I'm In Love with My Guy Friend

Dear WISY, 

I am in love with this boy and I don't know how to tell him.  He is handsome, smart and down to earth. We are together almost everyday and we enjoy a lot of the same things. I kissed him once when we were at the beach and I felt my knees get soft. He took my breath away. It felt so perfect but it turned awkward really quick after he said he felt like he just kissed his sister. I felt a dagger go through my heart but I didn't let on that I was hurt. Now we pretend like it never happened.  I wish we could be together, we would make the perfect couple. 

One time he came to my house to pick me up and I am usually ready when he gets there but this time I waited until he came to take a shower. I walked around the house in my towel and then walked in front of him a few times in my underwear and carried on conversation like it was nothing.  I saw him checking me out but he never made any advances like I hoped he would.  

Should I tell him and risk losing an awesome friendship? I really don't know how much longer I can keep this inside.

Signed,
Hopeful

                                                  

He Wants To Be Me

Dear WISY, 

I am writing for advice on my family situation.  I used to be very close with my brother but we fell out a few weeks ago and everybody in my family is saying I should be the bigger person and apologize to him.  I don't see the need for me to apologize to someone who intentionally hurt me and has secretly been jealous of me for years.  

My brother is gay, well beyond gay because he wants a sex change and he secretly hated me for being a woman.  He loved me and hated me at the same time but I guess his hate became too much for him to keep inside and it bubbled over and he began discussing my secrets with others and when something bad happened to me, he secretly glorified it. 

I have been nothing but supportive to him and his wishes but for some reason he hated me.  I loaned him my clothes and make up when he wanted to secretly dress as a woman and I never told anyone.  But now everyone thinks I'm the bad guy because I cursed him out when I found out he was discussing me with others.  They are all blinded by the victim role he likes to play but I see through the B.S. and I will never forget how he betrayed me. 

Am I wrong for wanting to stay away from him?  I don't trust him.  He's family but I don't care.

Signed,
Hurt by SHim

My Sister's Man

Dear WISY, 

I want you to reply to this please.  I really need some advice.  I am in a situation that I know I should not be in but I can't help myself.  

I am in love with my sister's husband and I believe he loves me back.  One night I was spending the night at their house because my mother was getting on my nerves.  I was asleep in the guest room and I felt someone come into bed with me.  At first I thought it was my sister but then I felt a manly hand touch me.  I was scared and I turned to look at who it could be because my mind was telling me it was an intruder.  To my surprise it was my sister's husband.  Before I could question him, he began kissing me on my neck and on my arms and I was instantly turned on.  I asked him where my sister was and he told me she was already gone to work.  You can imagine what happened next and I began to spend more and more time at their house just so I could sleep with him.  

My sister is not suspicious at all but I am beginning to feel terrible about the situation.  I want to tell him to leave me alone but it feels so good to have him in my arms.  

Please, I need some help with this and don't judge me.

Signed,
Falling for my sister's man

                                     

Tolerance for Man Shortage

Dear WISY,

Am I the only one who thinks that women are way too hard on each other?  We fight and bring each other down and we fail to see that if we work together we could dominate this world.  I've heard that statistics say that there is a man shortage and because of this women settle for less than ideal relationships.  We become extremely territorial and when we find our men stepping out on us we even allow our them to sleep with other women as long as they come home at night.

I try my hardest not to get pulled into such a mindset but I've been finding it increasingly more difficult to avoid the ignorance.  I am dating a guy who I know is involved with someone else.  He doesn't admit it but I know he is cheating.  The other woman called me a few times to inform me of their relationship and instead of arguing with her like she wanted me to, I just said "ok, no problem.".  I am determined not to fight with her.  I want her to realize that he is JUST A MAN and not worth the fuss.

I don't want to leave him though.  He is everything I've ever asked for and I think that he just might realize that he need not look elsewhere for fulfillment and then our relationship can move on to the next level.

Am I delusional?

Signed,
Tolerance

After Dark

Dear WISY,

I am a very successful lady but my success comes with stigma.  By day, I am a stay at home mom with a husband and two gorgeous children.  At night, I dance at a club across the state line.  Nobody knows about my night life activities.  My husband works at night and I hire a babysitter to watch the children until I get back.  

I started dancing after a friend of mine suggested it when I complained that things were tight as far as money was concerned.  I gave it a shot and I've been dancing three nights out of the week.  This has been going on for almost two years now.  I have gotten expensive gifts and more money than I know what to do with.  I've had trouble hiding these things from my husband but I am comforted by this blanket of money sitting in a separate account in case things get tough again.

Now that I have more than enough money, I have considered quitting the dance scene but I have grown to love it.  Every time I go, I say this is my last night but by the end of my set, I am so high off of the attention that I can't see my self leaving.

I would just like to get some opinions on what you would do if in this situation.

Thanks.

Signed,

After Dark

                                                                                                      

Tit for Tat

Dear WISY,

I've been seeing this man for a couple months now and I'm only involved with him because I am trying to make my ex jealous.  The man I'm seeing is my ex's family member and they used to be very close.  You are probably wondering why I would do this just to make him jealous, well the answer is, my ex slept with my best friend and got her pregnant.  They now have a son and had the nerve to ask me to be the god mother.  Of course I refused and cursed them out on top of it.  What kind of people are they?  It's like it isn't enough that they hurt me by sleeping together and having a baby but now want me to be god mother too?  I believe they are intentionally trying to send me off the deep end.  So, is it wrong that I am doing something to get back at him too?  In a crazy way, I feel that getting back at him this way is helping me cope with my deep pain.

Should I stop thinking this way and move on?

Signed,
Tit for Tat

Drunken Three Way

Dear WISY,

I was involved in a threesome with my friend and her man about a month ago.  It wasn't planned and I was intoxicated when it happened.  I'm not saying that I am against threesomes but I would have never chosen those two to have one with.  They are from a different background than me and if people knew I did it with them, it would be looked down upon.  Now, they are trying to get me to have another one and I keep giving excuses as to why I don't want to.

The thing is I enjoyed it.  From what I can remember, it was great!  I'm wondering if I should just get drunk again and do it and blame it on the alcohol! 

What would you do?

Signed,
Drunken Three Way

Soca Housewife

Dear WISY,

Two carnival seasons ago I was promised a shot at debuting as a soca artist.  The guy who promised me everything began to trouble me and eventually we started sleeping together.  I might be ridiculed for this but I only slept with him because I didn't want him to get angry and take back the opportunity.  I consistently slept with him and we even began having sex without protection.  I got pregnant and he told me I could kiss my dreams goodbye.  He told me no mother of his child would be allowed on stage wining up and having men lust after her. My heart sunk and I began to hate the child inside me for robbing me of the opportunity to be a soca artist.  He watched me closely and made sure I didn't try to get an abortion behind his back. 

Slowly I began to love the child growing in my belly. I accepted that my role would be that of a mother for now but always planned to continue on a path to my dreams. I had my baby and I left the man.  I am now seeing a close friend of his who also has ties to the industry.  People are telling him that I am just an opportunist but I actually love him. 

He is beginning to crack under all the pressure and he wants me to forget about my dreams and marry him and be a house wife.  I'm really beginning to think that is my role in life because twice I've been with someone who could help me but both want me to do the same thing.  Should I give up? 

Signed,
The Soca Housewife

Carnival Anxiety

Dear WISY,

Carnival is fast approaching and I'm not happy about it at all.  I will be at all the fetes and stuff but I have to be there and watch the guy I love with his girlfriend.  We've been in a secret relationship for the past few months and I don't think either of us thought it would last this long.  Anyway, I love him and it pains me to see him with her.

I even tried to change to a different mas band because I don't want to see them and who knows, I might get drunk and start some kind of problems.  My friends don't want to change though.

Can you give me any advice on how to cope with this?

Signed,
Carnival Anxiety

                                                                                                      

No Strings Attached?

Is there such a thing as a no strings attached sexual relationship?  Do people eventually "catch feelings" or is it possible to separate emotions from physical gratification?  
Share your thoughts/experience.

                                                   

Artist at Heart

Dear WISY,

I am the last of 7 children.  The oldest is 41 and I am 27.  Ever since I graduated from secondary school and began preparing for college, my family has been preaching to me about marriage and the importance of securing a boyfriend who will marry me soon after college graduation.  Well, that didn't happen.  I'll be 28 soon and in no way am I panicked about still being single.  I don't care about all that marriage and children talk.  I want to date and experience as much as I can before I tie myself down to one person.  

I also want to pursue my career as an artist.  They don't like that I am into the arts and prefer to spend my time with eccentric people.  They think that somehow these people have had an impact on me and my way of thinking.  I disagree.  I was born this way and despite what my family had to say I always followed my heart and surrounded myself with art.  Yes, I may have a degree in Political Science, but I am an artist.

I have purchased a ticket to visit another country and possibly stay for a while.  I haven't told them yet because I know they will do everything in their power to discourage me.

Do you think I should go and then alert them once I'm there or do you think I should tell them before I leave and deal with the hurricane of negativity which is bound to come?

Signed,

Artist at Heart

Shallow

Dear WISY,

I'm curious.  Have you ever been involved with someone who wasn't exactly your ideal match as far as looks are concerned but you couldn't stop seeing them because of how they put it down in the bedroom?

I'm in that situation now and I don't want my friends to know about it.  He's a smart guy and nice overall but he's far from handsome.  I don't even know how I ended up in bed with him in the first place, but I sure am glad I did!

Am I too concerned about the physical appearance?

Thanks for any input you can provide.

Signed,
Shallow

Love in the Shadows

Dear WISY,

Four years ago, I got involved with someone and I'm still involved with that person today.  I love them with everything I have but I am afraid to let people know about the relationship.  I come from a place where people are less understanding about these things and I know for a fact that people have been hurt or even killed for revealing this type of relationship.

I'm now being pressured by this person to be truthful about our relationship.  I don't think I have the guts to do it.  I could lose everything I have if I did.  This person has asked me to move to another country where we can be free to love each other but I am terrified.  All I know is what I see around me.  And I know that what I am involved in is wrong by the standards around here.

I really need some words of wisdom.  I am tired of living a lie and I am terrified of revealing the truth.  This is no kind of way to live.  Please help.

Signed,

Love in the Shadows

True Friend

Dear WISY,

In more instances than we would like to admit, we get angry at our friends but don’t let on because we don’t want to spoil the friendship.  We love our friends dearly and we enjoy their company but sometimes there are things we rather not see or hear from them.  So, we tend to talk about them behind their back to others about it rather than to them. 

What I have just described is not the way I operate.  If there is something that bothers me about a friend, I will address it with them directly – hence, the reason I have very few friends.  Most people can’t handle hearing about their faults but bawl out the words:  “real, genuine and trustworthy” and when you personify these words they have the nerve to call you a “hater and bad mind”.  I've been told that I'm a very intense person and I'll take that because I love who I love and I love 'em hard.

With all that being said, I would like to discuss the situation I’m writing in about.  I have a friend whom I would more call a sister that has suddenly become offended when I pull her aside and tell her certain things about her behavior.  Long ago we made a pact to never take our grievances elsewhere but to always remain true to each other and discuss the problem face to face.  It didn’t matter if we cried it through, cursed it through or simply talked it through, it always ended in a hug and a deeper connection between us.

Now all of a sudden she doesn’t want to talk, she has nothing to say about my situations and this is out of character for her.  Honestly, it has been affecting me mentally.  I’m not sure what to make of it and I miss that bond we used to have.  I’ve tried speaking to her about it but her response is always the same; there’s nothing wrong.  I know this girl like the back of my hand and I know for a fact that there is a change, so I did some snooping and I believe I’ve found the problem.

She’s dating a guy whose sister despises me (she actually used to despise my friend also but somehow that changed).  I think her “sister in law” has a lot to do with how she treats me these days.  It’s a fragile situation because she’s very happy with her boyfriend and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could possibly put a strain on their relationship but on the other hand I’m suffering.

Should I speak up about it?  I don’t want to put her in a situation that would make her feel the need to choose and I understand her want for a good relationship with the sister.  Nobody wants their significant other’s family to hate them.  I just can’t take the half-hearted friendship anymore.  Should I bring it up or find someone else to take her spot?

Signed,

True Friend

The Wrong Love

Dear WISY,
There is something I've been hiding and it's eating me up inside.  I am in love with someone who I shouldn't be in love with.  For years I've been withholding my true feelings about this man and it gets harder and harder each time I see him and hear his voice.  He is everything I've ever wanted.  He's what I dream about at night and what I wish for.  He is perfect but I shouldn't love him because he is my roommate's man and she herself is madly in love with him.  

I can't help how I feel.  I am not one to cause trouble and I respect people's relationships.  I am involved with a man who has the same name of the one I really love and when we have sex I yell his name at the top of my lungs and close my eyes and hope that maybe when I open them the right K***** will be there.  

I know this may come off as if I'm a deceitful person, but really I am just in love.  Is anything wrong with that?  Do you believe in destiny?  Should I wait it out until my true love falls into my arms?

Signed,

The Wrong Love

Quick Question...Rich or Poor?

Dear WISY,

I have an old rich man and a young bruk pocket man.  I care for them the same but I am tired of having two men. Who should I pick?

Signed,
Rich or Poor

Educated & Liberated

Dear WISY,

I am almost finished with college and my parents are expecting me to marry someone who I don’t want to marry.  I am not from a culture that arranges marriages but my parents feel I owe it to this man to marry him.

I grew up in poverty and when I turned fifteen this man took special interest in me and started to help support my family.  He helped my father fix the holes in our house roof and build back up the fence.  He added an extension to the house so we could have an indoor bathroom and kitchen.  He has even paid my entire college tuition for all four years.  At the time I thought he was just a good friend of the family but when I went off to college he expressed how he really felt about me. 

I discovered that he was doing all those things because he wanted my family to accept him and persuade me to be with him even though he’s a bit older than me.  I have always been obedient and I have always wanted to please my parents and ease their stress, so I went along with the program.  But, now that I’m educated and I’ve been exposed to the world and its endless possibilities, I see no need for me to give myself to this man.  I don’t want to be perceived as ungrateful but on the other hand I don’t want to be trapped in a life of misery.  I guess I could make myself content with being with him but I may always have that "what if" thought in the back of my mind.  

Is it worth the discomfort of my family to go about my business and make my own life?  I love them so much and the thought of them falling back into poverty brings tears to my eyes.

What would you do?

Signed,

Educated & Liberated

Concerned Friend

Dear WISY,

A friend of mine is going down the wrong path and I am trying to help her see that what she is doing will eventually bite her in the ass but she responds by saying that I am a party pooper and that I am probably jealous of her.  I consider us to be good friends but for some reason she feels I am out to stop her from "living HER life" as she would put it.

She has done a lot but the latest thing she has done is allow multiple men sleep with her at the same time.  She said that she has always wanted to do it and now she can look back and say she did.  Now, I fear that word will get around about what she did and people will start to insult her and I know she will be hurt by it and that will hurt me.  

I don’t know how to stop her from straying down this path, so please give me any advice you have for this situation.

Signed,

Concerned Friend

Women In the Industry

(Dear WISY)

"I’m writing to tell you a little about what goes on in the entertainment industry.  I want people to know what female artists are faced with on a daily basis.  Let me make it clear that I am speaking about the Dancehall industry in Jamaica.  I’ve been told that female dancehall artists in other islands don’t get treated like we do, but that’s something for them to come talk about.  I can only talk about my own experiences.

I’m going to be as blunt as I possibly can and I would hope that you don’t edit my letter too much.  I’m not asking for advice nor do I need any.  I’ve learned all I need to know in my environment. 

The Dancehall industry in Jamaica is a disgrace as far as women are concerned.  First of all, there are too many women in the industry that don’t write for themselves.  Some producer decides to put one of his f8ck buddies on a riddim and writes all her lyrics and the b*itch can’t even hold a note.  The song is auto tuned to no end and that same song ends up in heavy rotation because of connects and links that the producer has not because the chick can actually sing/perform.

For those of us who can perform and write AND hold a note, we have to bring some lyrics that go above and beyond our male counterparts and when we get on stage we have to do Olympic level gymnastics for the crowd to give us a forward.  We thoroughly entertain and the show promoters won’t even give us the proper amenities back stage.  It’s a damn disgrace!

We have to deal with the rumours of sleeping with whomever we are working with.  If I do a collaboration with a male DJ does it automatically mean I am f*cking him?  Come on people!  I am talented and I’ve worked so hard to keep myself afloat in the industry but every day I am faced with some kind of judgment or stereotype.  It makes me want to leave Dancehall and pursue a career elsewhere.

As I said, this is just a little about the industry.  There’s a lot more that I could discuss, but I just want people to appreciate us more.  Respect the hard work we put in for your entertainment and stop the foolishness."

My Man is BORING!

Dear WISY,

I am in a relationship with a very respectable, stand-up guy.  He is everything your mother tells you to marry.  He has a great job with limitless growth potential, a home of his own and a nice car.  Material things aside, he is also a very nice guy.  He’s just perfect and that’s the problem.  I’m bored with him.

I’ve suggested that we do things to spice things up a bit but he turns me down each time and tells me that the things I want aren’t lady like and he wouldn’t want his woman doing those sorts of things.  When I discuss my wants with my close friends they tell me that it’s nothing out of the ordinary, so why does he not want me to do these things?  Why is he so damn uptight?

Everyday it’s the same routine and I’m about to lose my mind.  He even makes love to me in the same manner each time.  And I’m supposed to want “this” for the rest of my life?  I keep hearing my mother tell me that I will adjust and in the long run I will be glad that I stuck with him.  I’m not so sure about that. 

Should I stay or should I go?

Signed,

Bored