I Slept with my Man's Cousin

Dear WISY,

I had to do something I'm not proud of and now I'm may possibly lose someone who means the world to me.  Okay, I've been cheating on my man for over a year with his cousin - cousin as in his mama's sister's child!  He grew up with his cousin and they're only a few months apart so we were always hanging out together.  

His cousin used to have a girlfriend and they broke up.  He took the break up real hard and he stayed with us most nights.  Since he was practically living with us, he got to see how my man rejects me sometimes when I want to make love.  One night my man went to sleep early and I was hot and heated, I needed some affection and I was vocal about it.  He started complimenting me and one thing led to the next.  We quietly made love on the couch and it was the best I had ever had.

It's been over a year and I don't know if my man notices that I don't beg him for sex anymore; his cousin is handling all my sexual needs.  The cousin is starting to give my man attitude and wants me to be with him.  He says he loves me and is willing to risk it all but I'm not.  I love my man and I want to continue to be with him.  

I need to know how to let his cousin down lightly AND get suggestions on how I can get my man to give me the attention I need.  Please help.

Signed,
All in the Family

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WISY's Response:

Dear All in the Family,

At this point you might as well go be with the cousin.  If you've been able to creep with him for over a year then that says you don't love or respect your man.  Do him a favor and excuse yourselves from his life.  Poor guy doesn't even know he's got two snakes right under his roof.

If you're really not into the cousin then you should stop leading him on.  Stop sleeping with him immediately.  He was in a vulnerable space when you first slept together and he's mistaking this situation for love.  He's just happy to have someone fill the void his girlfriend left.

I don't have much else to say here.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

If you or anyone you know needs advice, email us at DearWISY@gmail.com.  All identities are kept confidential.

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She Stole my Clothes

Dear WISY,

I'm writing because I don't know what to do.  There's this girl who lives in my neighborhood and she is stealing my wet clothes off of the clothes line.  Every weekend when I hang my clothes to dry, she goes and takes them off the line.  She watches to see when I leave the house and then she goes and takes the clothes.  I don't know how nobody sees her but I know it's her because she wears my clothes right in front of my face.

Yesterday, my cousins came to visit and she came to my house to visit with them because we all went to primary school together.  My cousin made a comment that the neighbor had the same dress as me and do you know she had the nerve to say that her family sent her some news clothes from the States?!  This  isn't the only time I've seen her in my clothes but I have never asked her about where she got her clothes from.

I do not want to cause any drama because I hate confrontation and I don't want her to get angry at me.  I can admit I am a bit of a punk but I am now very frustrated about this girl stealing my clothes and having the nerve to wear them right in front of my face.  I'm also starting to run low on clothes.

Please help me approach this as civilly as possible.  Thank you.

Signed,
Shirtless

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WISY's Response:

Dear Shirtless,

Even if you don't like confrontation, you allowed this to carry on for far too long and as a result, she has become comfortable enough to parade around in the clothes she stole from you not only in front of you but right in your home.  And another thing, letting her in your home is just giving her a preview of the items she wants to steal next.  Stop being so foolish.

If you're afraid to confront her then you need to get evidence or try to catch her in the act.  The next time you hang your clothes out, have someone stay in the house quietly and look out for her while you're out and record her.  You can also set up a camera.  Once you've caught her red-handed, you can give her the opportunity to reimburse you for the stolen clothes.  If she refuses, I would press charges.

When it comes to the violation of your property, the offender's feelings are the last thing you should consider.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

If you or anyone you know needs advice, email us at DearWISY@gmail.com.  All identities are kept confidential.

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I've Been Sleeping with my Friends' Men

Dear WISY,

I don't know where to begin but I can start by saying I know I'm confused and I know I'm really messed up for this but I can't help how I feel.  I try to convince myself to stop but I keep returning my wrongdoings.  

Anyway, I guess I should stop beating around the bush now and tell you what my problem is.  Okay, I have slept with most of my friends' boyfriends or husbands.  I started doing this with my cousin who behaved as if her husband was so perfect and I just couldn't stand it so I made it my mission to point out his imperfection.  I didn't even have to try hard; he fell for me the first time I flirted with him and we had sex the same night.  Ever since then, I've gotten a kick out of how I can make everyone else's man want to have sex with me and follow through.

I've never bothered to tell any of my friends about their men but there's one guy that I'm beginning to like a lot and I feel like she should know about her man before they get married and I know this is wrong but once she leaves him, I can have him.  I promise I'm a good person but I just don't know what makes me do this.  He's my friend's fiance' and I'm in their wedding but I've been sleeping with consistently for months.

He told me that my sex is good and he wishes things were different.  I know that people say things they don't mean during sex but he says it at random times in text messages.  It makes me want him in other ways aside from sex.  I KNOW THIS IS WRONG, I KNOW!

I know this is all horrible and I know you're probably going to let me have it but understand I do want to change this behavior and I'd like you to help me stop.  

It feels so good to get this off of my chest!

Signed,
Creeping with your Man

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WISY's Response:

Dear CWYM,

Girllllllllllll!  So jealousy of your cousin's happiness and pride in her relationship caused you to spread your legs and prove that you're an unhappy, psycho?? Okay.

I believe that somehow these romps with your friends' and family's significant others gives you a boost of confidence and the reason you can't stop is because you need this constant validation because, let me guess, you have never been able to hold down a successful relationship of your own.  There are many women who have struggled with their relationships, that's not an automatic reason to sleep with your friends' men.  

I'm sitting here thinking of how you've learned these men's weaknesses by being a listening ear for your friends.  You probably used that information to work in your favor and got these idiots to risk their relationships for someone looking for kicks.

In a way, I do want you to tell all (not just one) of them what you've done and it would be well deserved if they all made amends with their men and left you out in the cold.  Then maybe you will realize that getting a man to sleep with you is like getting an athlete to drink water after playing a rigorous game; it's not a major accomplishment.  Try something a little less common and then maybe you can begin to feel a sense of fulfillment.

Cut everything off immediately and thank the most high that you haven't been exposed...yet.  Get a hobby and leave these fools alone.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

 

I Lied to get the Guy

Dear WISY,

I met this guy a while back.  As soon as I saw him, I knew I wanted to be involved with him.  I was waiting for the valet to bring my car and he was getting out of his beautiful Benz!  He walked with style and confidence and when he said hello and smiled at me I felt a rush through my body.  When he was beyond earshot, I told the valet, I wasn't ready and needed to go back inside. 

I approached him and was very straight forward with him.  I told him I was interested and wanted to get to know him.  My confidence level is on 1,000!  I knew he couldn't turn me down.  We hit it off! He said he liked a confident woman and would definitely like to see me and get to know me.  We talked about our lives and he told me he was an engineer and was newly divorced and told me his ex wife was also an engineer.  I don't know why but that made me feel like I needed to up my game a little so I lied and told him I was an ER doctor.  I know, that was dumb as hell!  I'm a school teacher and I'm working on my phD so I'll be making more than the average teacher soon but nowhere near what an ER doctor makes!

Now, I have to be playing the part and pretending to be busy at all kinds of crazy hours!  I had to get a damn white coat embroidered with my fake doctor name and bought all these stupid doctor-like things to throw in my car so it looked like I work in medicine.  I'm exhausted from all this lying and I feel so stupid about this charade I've been keeping up.

I really like him and think he's great husband material so I know I should tell him but he may think I'm crazy so I don't want to tell him.  How should I approach it if I decide to tell him?

Signed,
Dr. Fake

WISY's Response:

Dear Dr. Fake,

OMG! WHY???  I hope you use some of this creativity to make learning fun and exciting for your students.  

You better tell this man the truth, the whole truth and nothing else but the truth, so help you God before he finds out on his own and you end up super embarrassed.  Tell him exactly what you said in this letter; you were intimidated by his ex's profession and you felt you were subpar so you lied.  It's that simple.

Maybe, he'll laugh it off or maybe he'll run for the hills.  Either way, I'm pretty sure you've learned your lesson here.

By the way, being a teacher is a profession you should never be ashamed of.  What you do is highly respected, it's just a shame that teachers aren't fairly compensated.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Dear WISY: I Beat my Boyfriend

Dear WISY,

When I was younger, I witnessed my mother's boyfriend beat her on a regular basis.  We lived in the Caribbean but now live in London.  I find that Caribbean men beat their women too much and people accept it as nothing.  Anyway, I used to run and hide until one day she cried out for me to help her.  He was really beating the sh!t out of her this time and I ran from my room and kicked him right in the back of his head.  His head then jolted forward and hit my mother's head.  I can remember him groaning from the pain and I can remember my mum's forehead swelling into a massive bump immediately.  He stopped beating her and tried to slap me but I was a swift child, he couldn't catch me.

After he left the house feeling defeated by a 10 year old, my mother looked in the mirror and saw her face.  Mind you, she had swollen lips and a black eye but she was more upset about the knot on her forehead that I supposedly caused.  She gave me the beating of my life that day and a lecture that left me feeling guilty for the whole situation.  I was just a child and I only wanted to please my mum.

I'm now 32 and I hate men.  I've hated them my entire life, actually.  I decided that I would not date men and began dating women.  I'm not a lesbian so this didn't work out at all.  I decided to give men a try and found fulfillment.  I'm currently with my boyfriend for a year now but I have become such a monster and every time we argue, I put my hands on him.  I don't know how to argue without beating him.  He tries to restrain me but I always overpower him and beat him until I'm satisfied.

I know I have a problem, please help me.

Signed,
Man Beater

WISY's Response:

Dear Man Beater,

This is incredibly sad.  I'm glad you realize you have a problem and want to change.

It's clear to me that the abuse toward your boyfriend is a direct reflection of what you witnessed as a child.  Understandably, your respect for men is minimal and you are dealing with domestic conflict the only way you've been taught.  Symbolically, you have placed your boyfriend in the position of your mother's boyfriend and you probably feel a sense of accomplishment after you assault him since your actual accomplishment that day was reduced to guilt.

The guilt your mother placed on you was unfair and misdirected and you need to know that.  I believe your haste to be abusive in difficult situations with this man is because you are still trying to rid yourself of the feeling of failure.  Truthfully, the only one who failed in that situation was your mother.  She failed to protect you from such a violent environment and failed to see the damage she would cause by not taking responsibility for the situation she created and most of all, she failed to thank you for stopping her boyfriend from beating the life out of her.  You saved her and for that you should not feel guilt but a sense of pride.

I don't condone your behavior but I am able to understand why you behave the way you do.  The law is not so understanding.  One day you may go too far and you may find yourself doing time in prison for domestic violence or something worse (God forbid!).  So, before you end up in physical prison you need to break out of this mental prison and heal.  Between you, your mother and your boyfriend, the therapist will have their hands full but you all can work through it together (or separately) and forgive each other in order to move on. 

There's a saying that "hurt people, hurt people" but I think that only applies to the weak minded and serves as an excuse for their deplorable behavior.  You know that your actions are wrong so I will leave you with an excerpt from one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou: "When you know better, you do better".

Here are some resources which may be helpful to you:

Overcoming Domestic Abuse 

Don't Hit My Mama: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Domestic Violence 

Color Me Butterfly: A Novel Inspired by One Family's Journey from Tragedy to Triumph

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Dear WISY: I have Two Boyfriends

Dear WISY,

Don't criticize me too much, I'm just being open and honest and I need your advice.  I have two men in my life and I'm equally involved with both.  I've been doing this for a few months now.  I met the first guy and we were having a good time and getting close and then I met the other one at a party and he was just so nice that I didn't want to lose out on being with someone so special.  So, I didn't tell him I was seeing someone and I haven't told the first guy I want to break it off.  I really love both of them and I can't choose between the two so I kept both.

Honestly, I don't see why I can't have two men and everybody not go crazy about it.  Men do it all the time and it's 2017 so women should be able to do it without criticism too.  Anyway, I wasn't planning to leave either of them but the major problem I'm having right now is that I'm so tired from dealing with two men at the same time.  Sometimes, I have to sleep with both of them in the same day and I can't manage anymore.  I don't want to leave any of them but I don't want to wear down my body either.

I need you to help me choose between the two (here are their pics) because I'm not able to choose on my own.  I would list the differences between the two but they are so much alike, they even have the same name.  On second thought, the first guy doesn't last very long in bed and the other one makes sure he gets the job done.  I think I answered my own question! 😂😂😂😂

Signed,
Which One

WISY's Response:

Dear Which One,

Let's clear this up first and foremost, you don't really love both of them, you don't love either of them at all.  If you did, you wouldn't be engaged in behavior which could hurt them deeply.  Secondly, men who have multiple women at once are only accepted and glorified by fools with mental disorders such as detachment issues and insecurity.  Third, I'm not posting anyone's picture on this column; you need to learn to respect people and their privacy. 

Speaking of mental issues, what's going on in that psyche of yours?  What makes you need two men at once?  Think about that and do something to fix yourself.  You need to stop putting your health at risk just because you're too selfish and self absorbed to let go of people you are using.  Do you require a constant ego boost?  Have you been neglected in the past?  I want you to really sit and think about what's causing this?

I can't help you choose which man you want and like you said, you may have answered your own question.  In my opinion, you don't deserve either of them.  I hope I can encourage you to leave this sort of behavior alone and if you can't quite let go yet, please don't commit to anyone.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Confession: I'm a Prostitute!

Dear WISY,

I have been sleeping with men for money while I'm still working at my job. I used to have to do it because my mother was sick and my sisters needed caring but now my mother is well and back to work, I don't have to but I still do it.  I like to go out at night and meet them for an hour or two and get a few hundred dollars. It gives me a rush.  

The other day I set up a date and to my surprise, it was one of my work colleagues who came to meet me. When he realized it was me, he told me never mind and walked away quickly. Now he is at work acting strange and I don't want him to spread the news. But I'm scared he will. Should I quit or pretend it didn't happen?  If he says something I can ask him what he's doing meeting a prostitute if he has a wife, right? Please help me out.

Signed,
Paid for It

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WISY's Response:

Dear PfI,

I hope your encounter with your co-worker has scared you straight.  Count your blessings that you haven't been arrested or hurt for your unnecessary thrill seeking.  

I'm pretty sure that your co-worker won't say a word about your encounter; that's the least of your worries so I won't spend any time on that.  You need to worry about your addiction to paid sex and how you will remedy this before you regret it.

I suggest you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone who is willing to role play and do things which will satisfy your need for a constant rush.  And if you're ever short on money, try the job/career websites and opt for something which won't land you behind bars and diminish your worth as a woman.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

#DearWISYMondays - Valentine's Edition

For many of you, tomorrow's promise of Cupid's arrow piercing you in the rear-end brings excitement, glorious daydreams, and fantasies of rose petals, floating hearts, teddy bears, and chocolate!

For some of you, it's a day to berate the aforementioned for getting caught up in the business of love and preach of your enlightened mindset which calls for the display of love 365 days of the year versus a lone day in February.  

For others, it's an opportunity to wear their heartbreak and loneliness on their sleeves and shout "F*ck Love!"

But if you are anything like the unique ladies and gentlemen who write to WISY, you're just hoping to make it through the day without tripping into a mess of confessions, secrets and scandal!

Here's a look at WISY's top 10!

1) Citrus Fetish

2) He Cheated so I Cheated Too

3) My Man had an Outside Child

4) I Can't Believe He Made Me Do That

5) My Best Friend is Having My Man's Baby

6) Ride or Die Chick

7) My Mom & Pastor are in an Unholy Union

8) Living a Lie

9) I'm a Bridesmaid in my Ex's Wedding

10) I Love Two Men in the Same Family

Whatever your beliefs and desires may be, I truly hope your day is filled with everything you want it to be!

😘😘😘😘

He has Two Families

Dear WISY,

I'm writing to you because I am in a position where I feel compromised and I want to reveal the truth but know it will cause a lot of strife.

I'm committed to a man and have three children with him.  Our children's ages are 7, 4 and 2.  The major issue is the fact that my man is married to a white woman and also has three children with her.  Her children's ages are 9, 7 and 3.  He told me he would not get her pregnant again but he did so I made him get me pregnant again too.  If he gets her pregnant again, he will have to get me pregnant again as well.  I know she is wishing for a boy but has not been able to give him one.  I am the only one who has conceived boys.  He is content because he has 2 boys with me but of course she doesn't know and is trying to give him a boy to carry his name.

Since they have been trying to conceive a boy, he has been with his wife more.  My children and I are becoming lonely without him around as much.  She doesn't know anything about us but I know every single thing about her.  I even know her menstrual cycle and know what time she goes to the grocery and everything. 

Sometimes, I worry because our children might end up at the same school later on.  I want to tell her about his other family and tell her that she should stop trying to conceive a boy because her womb is not blessed for boys.  I also want her to leave him so he can be with us full time.

You see, I am in between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want us to be so unhappy anymore but I don't want my man to have stress caused by me.  They are both (him and his wife) very posh and it will not look good for their business and other things.

Please, tell me what to do.  I don't want to leave him.

Signed,
His Other "Wife"

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WISY's Response:

Dear HOW,

You don't want to leave him?  Was he ever yours to leave?  Playing catch up with his wife's pregnancies does not make him yours and it doesn't make you the one he prioritizes just because you were able to conceive boys.  It only makes you the one who allowed him to be unfaithful, it only makes you the one with self esteem low enough to allow him to keep you in limbo while he has his cake and eat it too.  Although it's not my cup of tea, unless both women have no issues with being "sister wives" then this just makes you the woman who short changed herself and her children. 

I can understand that love makes us settle for situations which aren't ideal and causes us to protect the ones we hold dear to our heart at all costs but you are going to have to snap out of this for the sake of your children.  Don't teach them that it's acceptable to have a part time father, don't teach them that it's alright to have this type of relationship and ultimately, don't create a situation they'll have to recover from in their adult lives.

Tell the lady's husband that it's time for him to move on with you sans the wife or you will be moving on with your children.  Then you can begin to build an honest life and tell your children that they have 3 other siblings out there so they don't end up getting involved with each other down the line...my goodness, God forbid!

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

 

He Thinks I'm a Virgin

This post contains adult content

Dear WISY,

I've been lying to my boyfriend about being a virgin. We have been an item for 8 months and he really wants to have sex but I told him we should wait until marriage. He agrees but sometimes he gets naughty and wants to have me and I am so tempted to give it to him.

The reason I am lying is because every time I have sex with a guy he leaves me high and dry. I have never been intimate with someone and they stay afterwards.  I don't even get a reply to my text messages.  It really hurts and I'm really confused about this.

I fear losing my boyfriend because I really love him and I am sure he loves me.  I think a marriage will make him think twice before leaving and there is no way he can ignore me after we have sex when we're married.  If there is something wrong with me, I hope he will tell me what it is.

I have studied videos and books to be a good lover so I don't know what is wrong and like I said before, the other guys will not even answer a text message after they get what they want so I never got an opportunity to find out.  

What do you think I should do to make sure he doesn't leave me after we have sex?

Signed,
Fake Virgin

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Fake Virgin,

And when your wedding night comes and it's time to consummate the marriage and your husband is expecting to unwrap your untouched box for the first time and then realizes that you've been lying, what do you think will happen?  That sort of deceit will get your marriage annulled faster than your ex lovers could get their pants back on.  

Stop the lying and tell him that you've been dishonest because of your past experiences.  Tell him that you value the relationship and don't want anything hindering the emotional connection between you two.  Maybe after your conversation, you'll feel confident enough to get intimate with him.

You could have had behavioral patterns which attracted the type of man to hit it and quit it or it could just be that your ex lovers were not the right fit for you - literally!  You may want to look into vaginal wall exercises and techniques for tightening.  Also, ensure that your personal hygiene is impeccable.  I'm not insinuating that you lack in these areas but want to check all the items off the list that I could think of that would cause men to stop communicating with you right after sex.

In any case, you're in a serious relationship now and your boyfriend obviously loves you with the absence of sex.  Once you become intimate with him, it should just be a bonus and not a deal breaker but you must be honest with him.  Withholding your virginity news could put some serious cracks in the foundation you have built with him.

Walk good,
#Team WISY