Trust Issues

Dear WISY, 

I have a problem with people.  I don't trust anyone at all and I don't want to be that way anymore.  

When I was a child my mother passed away and I went to live with my auntie and her husband.  My auntie was very nice to me before my mom's death but when I lived with her she was awful.  She beat me all the time, she made me do all the house work and sometimes the yard work too.  She cursed me and told me I was a burden on her.  I was so hurt because I loved my auntie so much and I couldn't understand why she was treating me like sh!t. 

Eventually, she threw me out of the house and told me to go live with my grandmother but my granny was very old and she didn't have the energy to care for me.  I became very bad.  I was out of control and did all the things I knew I shouldn't do.  Nobody was there to care.  I learned quickly that I could use my body to get what I want.  I had a very shapely physique.  I was having sex for money so I could eat and help granny with her house and stuff.  

A few years passed and people were beginning to know what I did for a living.  My auntie's husband came to look about me.  I thought he was coming to help me but instead he wanted to have sex with me and pay me too.  So, I slept with him for $500.00 because I told him he is a high risk.  He kept coming back and I kept giving him what he wanted until one day he came with my aunt who told me she knew what I was doing and she was going to beat me.  I thought she meant she knew about me and her hubby but she didn't know.  I was surprised to see her hubby criticizing me and condemning my behavior when he was my biggest client.  I couldn't believe it.  I am trying to figure out how people can be so awful.  First, the auntie I loved turned her back on me when my mother died and then her husband reveals that he is the biggest hypocrite.  

I will move out of granny's house and live on my own.  I have enough money to make it on my own.  I don't plan to continue this but it's the only sure thing for me right now.  I don't have any friends.  I don't trust family and I need someone in my corner.  I don't know how to get that.  What can I do to change this life?

Signed,
Trust Issues

WISY's Response:

Dear Trust Issues,

Wow, that's a lot to have to go through.  My condolences on the passing of your mother.  I can only imagine how hard it has been for you and I can honestly say, without condoning your sexual behavior, that I understand why you have become the person you are.

Our adolescent years are our most influential and you have had a great deal of dishonesty and hypocrisy from people who should have cared for you in your mother's absence.  It's no wonder that you don't trust anyone and don't place any value on respect for family or yourself.

The first thing you need to do is see a therapist.  You need someone who will listen to your problems and support your future in a positive way.  Together, you can decide a course of action for you.  You should also continue your education and learn a skill or trade which does not include the flaunting or selling of your body.  Get involved in an educational program where there are people with the same passion and goals as you.  You may find comfort and friendship in someone who can help you stay on the right path.

Needless to say, you should stop the prostitution.  One day, it may be the police coming to look about you and then you'll have an additional hurdle to get over.  Stop while you're ahead.  Trust will not come immediately but I'm hopeful that you can slowly begin to put your trust in those who genuinely have your best interest at heart.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  We can offer help with your situation if you need it.


    

He Beats Me!

Dear WISY,

I feel very embarrassed about my current situation.  I haven’t told a soul about what is going on with me.  I don’t have the courage to tell anyone and I feel alone.  I’ve never felt this isolated in my entire life. 

I met this guy about a year ago and we hit it off immediately. We were both born in third world countries so we had some things in common.  He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.  He was perfect.  He bought me gifts and he encouraged me to further my education and was very friendly with my family and friends.  Eventually, we got really serious.  We were talking about marriage and children and all the things a woman would want for her life.  

We went on a trip to his native country and he turned into a totally different person.  He told me that things were different there and my life turned upside down that same day.  He beat me for everything I’d ever done that he didn’t care for.  He called me names and told me I was nothing.  He told me I was spoiled and didn’t deserve anything good.  He only let me eat a small lunch and ate breakfast and dinner in front of me without offering me any.  He only allowed me to call my family once a week and I did so on the one day of the week he didn’t beat me (Sunday).  I endured this treatment for three weeks.  It felt like an eternity.  I vowed that I would have him arrested as soon as we touched American soil again and I told myself that I would leave him. 

On our plane ride back to the states, he told me that it was the custom of the men in his country to beat women.  He told me that if he didn’t do that then we would be frowned upon and disgraced.  I believed him.  It made sense that it was all an act; there was no way he could change so drastically.  I told him I didn’t want to ever visit his home land again and told him I forgave him. 

Stupid me.  The abuse started again that same week.  I have learned to wear make up to cover my marked up skin.  I no longer have a social life, I am always in a bad mood and I am on the verge of losing my job because I have called out sick so many times.  I know there are programs available to me but I really am afraid that someone will see me walk into one of the establishments and tell my business.  I’m afraid to call the police because he has friends that are officers and he says that he will get off and the cops will make my life a living hell.  I don’t know how to get out of this situation. Please help! 

Signed,
Abused 

WISY's Response:

Dear Abused,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation and although you may feel alone and isolated, you are not.  There are many women that feel like they are being held hostage by their abusers with no way out.  Fortunately there are laws and programs in place to help you free yourself from the grip of your abuser.  

You say you're afraid of people knowing your business.  That shouldn't be a concern large enough to keep you from safety.  Besides, there are programs which mandate confidentiality.  You are safe to reach out and get the help you need.  I'm sure the story of the police friends is just a scare tactic used to keep you silent but if you fear that your boyfriend's words are true, you can go directly to a care facility in your area and they will protect you.

You're going to need your family and friends' support.  Don't be embarrassed to tell them what has been going on with you.  Abuse does not discriminate.  It occurs in the most affluent of homes as well as those which are poverty stricken across all races, ages and sex.  Let your loved ones know.  Receiving an outpouring of love and concern will help you heal.

Don't allow anymore of this abuse to continue.  Take photos of your abuse and visit your doctor so that you have medical records to help prove your case.  Map out a plan and stick to it.  I suggest you include a family member or close friend in your plans to ensure you are not deterred.  Get the help you need and gain the confidence to stand against your boyfriend when the law gets a hold of him.  It won't be an easy task.  It will be emotionally draining for you, I'm sure but it's time to regain control of your life.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  If you need assistance locating a program in your area, please let me know.  I'm happy to help.


    

I Don't Like Her!

Dear WISY, 

It’s a new year and I really need to get something off of my chest.  Please don’t judge me. There is this girl that recently started working in my office building.  She is beautiful, she drives a nice car and she is also a very nice girl.  She’s always pleasant and always smiles to show off her beautiful teeth.  I hate her though. I hate how perfect she is and for the past month or so, I have been secretly trying to mess up her life.  

There is this guy in my office that really liked her. He was always talking about how beautiful she is and how he starts sweating in the elevator when they happen to be in there together.  I was so sick of him going crazy over her and I decided to end all of that.  I told him all these lies about her and how I knew her from before but she didn’t want me outing her about her previous ways so we act like we just met. I told him that she’s a hoe and how she had multiple abortions and all kinds of horrible stuff. 

He has now spread the rumors all over the office and people are talking about her left, right and center. The other day, the same guy told me he saw her on the elevator and made a remark about her being a slut with other people on the elevator.  He said she tried to act like she didn’t know what he was talking about but he let her have it anyway.  

This whole thing is a mess.  This girl is talking about suing the guy for slander and said that her colleagues have heard the rumors and are treating her differently.  I know I should confess to all of it but I really like that she isn’t being put on a pedestal anymore; that ‘bout drove me nuts!  I know I’m wrong for all of this but I just can’t make myself do the right thing and before you think it, no, I’m not jealous! 

Signed,
Not Jealous

WISY's Response:

Dear Not Jealous,

If you’re not jealous, as you say, then what would you call it?  Here is a girl who is going about her business.  She is pleasant with you and just happened to catch the attention of a guy you work with.  Where’s the harm in that?  Would you rather this guy go crazy over you?  Do you wish your teeth were as beautiful as hers (her beautiful teeth must bother you since you took the time to mention them)?  You are absolutely jealous of this girl.  You wish you had the qualities she possesses and you probably wish you had the attention she gets from the guy you work with.  Admit it.  You’re jealous.

Part of the reason why men disrespect women the way they do is because we disrespect each other first.  A woman who feels threatened by another woman will jump at the opportunity to degrade her.  Some of this stems from a history of lack of opportunity for women.  I’ll also place blame on the lack of upstanding men.  It seems women are more concerned with their relationship with men than they are with each other.  It’s a shame that we cannot realize the power we hold by standing together and ultimately becoming the ruling sex of this world.

Now, we need to get down to the legal fiasco which may ensue because of your lies.  Before people are wrongfully charged, you need to come clean.  I don’t know why you are hesitant about it.  I guarantee that you will be exposed.  In the legal world, there are investigations and it won’t be difficult to find the root to all of this evil.  Come clean and apologize.  Make sure your admission reaches the numbers that your false rumors have.  Prepare to receive the same treatment that you caused the girl to have.  When it comes, I hope you can take it.  You definitely deserve it, not her.

Your jealousy undoubtedly stems from insecurity.  Do what you need to do to boost your self-esteem and become a person who contributes positively to the world.  Holding onto such feelings will make you sick; both mentally and physically.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY