All Caribbean Men are Cheaters

Dear WISY,

I'm involved with a man from the Caribbean and I must say that it is a very challenging relationship.  Please don't come for me, but I heard Caribbeans are difficult to deal with because they cheat a lot and have babies everywhere they go.  I hate to say this, but that stereotype is proving to be true.  Every time I turn around, I find something proving that he's cheating. 

The latest thing he's done is get a hotel room for him and some girl he met to meet up.  I found the reservation on his laptop because he didn't close out of his account (I wasn't snooping and we share the same laptop).  I haven't said anything about it because I know he'll just lie about it.  We have so much sex.  How is it that he wants more than what he's already getting?

In the past, I feel like he's been disrespectful.  He told me he doesn't want me partying with him and basically told me I'm not a good enough dancer to go out with him.  I want him to give me a chance to learn his culture.  I want to go to carnival and I want to learn how to prepare the dishes that he likes, but he keeps shutting me out, telling me that I just don't get it.

I guess what I'm really asking is for some help with understanding Caribbean men so we can strengthen our relationship.

Signed,
American Girl

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WISY's Advice:

Dear American Girl,

As a Caribbean woman, I cannot allow the slander of an entire population of men...especially when it comes to my brothers, partner, and all the other wonderful Caribbean men in my life.  You must know that cheating is not exclusive to Caribbean people and that this sort of thing can and does happen across all cultures.  You must know that, right?  The stereotype is foolish and repeating it reflects your naivety, but I'm glad you chose me to provide you with some guidance.  Hopefully I can change your views.

Cultural differences aside, you're ultimately asking me how to cope with someone who is not ready for an exclusive relationship.  I'm not going to do that.  Find someone who is on the same page as you are, someone who is willing to grow with you, include you in their activities, and most importantly, someone who loves and respects you.

You came across a bad apple, and as the saying goes, one doesn't spoil the whole bunch.  If you're interested in our culture, take a trip to a destination celebrating carnival (or not), eat our food, and meet our people.  Also, Google and YouTube are full of recipes you can try!

Whatever you do, don't treat this as a Caribbean problem.  As I stated before, this is a problem that you could experience with anyone.  Don't give him a pass because of some foolish stereotype crutch.  If you want to work it out, he should prove his worthiness through changed behavior just like you would expect from any other man in this situation, but I'd throw this apple away if I were you.  It's rotten.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY


P.S. The term is not "Caribbeans".  If anything, it's West Indians or Caribbean people if the island is not independent.

He Wants to Get Married, but I'm Unsure

Dear WISY,

Hi, it's me again from the "Should I get back with my ex" advice.  So, I finally spoke with him and we met up and things happened.  Now, he wants to get married and I am ecstatic about the idea, but no one else really is.  I feel like I should be cautious because of what happened after we broke up, but he does seem very sorry and sincere about making us work.  I know I shouldn't care what people think but I'm not sure.  It doesn't feel wrong to want to marry him, but I don't know.  If you could once again advise me I'd be much obliged.  Also, I would like to let you know that you're amazing and I really appreciate what you do! 

Sincerely, 
Happy, but confused

WISY's Response:

Dear HBC,

The idea of marriage is definitely exciting, but what about the emotional and psychological work I spoke about in your previous letter?  I think that should be priority right now.  Your feelings of being cautious is proof that there is still serious underlying issues that need to be worked out.  You will need to work on this until those feelings no longer exist.  You should be confident in your decision to marry him, and you don't seem too sure right now.  I think everyone else in your life can see this also.

Take your time, put in the necessary work, and things will fall into place.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S. The appreciation is mutual. 🤗💖

Girl Code Violated

Dear WISY,

My close friend and I got into a huge argument because she started dating my ex.  She has been hiding it from me from a while, but a mutual friend let me know what was going on.  I confronted her about it and she tried to deny it.   I wanted to believe her, but I knew she was lying.  I've known her too long to fall for her bullshit.  So, I called my ex to see what he would say.  Long story short, he confirmed that they were dating.

I've known this girl since we were in elementary school.  We've been inseparable.  We  even planned to attend the same college.  I consider her a sister and she knows everything that I've been through with this guy.  Plus, I've only been broken up with my ex for 8 months.  I can't believe she would do this to me.  I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, you know.  People are so f*cked up.

Anyway, I really love her and I would hate to lose her friendship.  I don't want us beefing over a guy because we're closer than that.  I don't know if I should forgive her though.  Is this a case where I should forget about the history we have and move on?

Signed,

Violated

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WISY's Response:

Dear Violated,

Ask yourself if you'll be alright in the presence of your friend and your ex as a couple.  How will actions of affection affect you?  Once you figure that out, then you can determine whether you should move on from the friendship or not.

I think it's obvious that your friend doesn't share your sentiments regarding your friendship and sisterhood.  If she did, your ex would be completely off limits.  As you stated, she knew everything and you two shared a lot together.  History doesn't always mean that relationships should continue.  Time means nothing when a disloyal person is in the mix.  I'd walk away if I were you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I'm Being Abused

Dear WISY,

I really need someone to talk to.  I have been in a relationship with an abusive guy for about six months now.  I've known this guy my whole life, but we recently started dating after he expressed his feelings to me.  I've always heard rumors about him being abusive, but I had never seen it with my own eyes or heard it from any of the women he dated.  He was always so sweet and kind to me.  That was the last thing I would think of him doing.

We moved pretty quickly.  I let him move into my place and he did everything for me around the house.  He fixed things, he cleaned and cooked, and he bought me flowers.  I was so happy with him in the beginning.  He would always make comments about my friends not being a good influence on my life until I eventually stopped hanging out with them.

Now, he doesn't let me leave the house unless it's for work or to run errands.  I can't get my hair and nails done anymore because he said he's happy with me the way I am, so I must be trying to impress other men if I want to go to the beauty salon.  I have no say over what he does.  He goes out and stays out doing whatever he wants.  He comes home and then accuses me of talking to guys while he was out.  He asks to see my phone log and goes through my laundry.  He does this every single time.  Sometimes he hits me and sometimes he just curses me out.  He doesn't hit me to the point where people will see what he did.

I'm afraid of him, but I love him.  Am I crazy?  I never thought I would be the type of woman who allows a man to hit her.  I just want him to change.  He was so kind in the beginning.  What happened to him?

Signed,

Abused

Private Violence

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WISY's Response:

Dear Abused,

It breaks my heart to know you're suffering like this.  You have to get out of this situation.  He manipulated you in the beginning to gain your trust and love to make it psychologically difficult for you to walk away.  He will never stop being abusive.  In fact, the abuse will get worse.  Love yourself enough to get out before something terrible happens.

Get on the phone with your family and/or friends who you know will not judge you or demean you for being involved with him.  You need to surround yourself with positive, healing energy to gain the magnitude of support needed to overcome this situation.  You should make a police report about the abuse also.  He doesn't deserve to be free to harm women as he pleases.

I suggest you begin professional therapy to heal from this and to diminish the chances of you getting involved in these types of relationships in the future.  Take good care of yourself, Love. 💖

Walk good,

#TeamWISY