Workplace Scandal

Dear WISY,

I'm in a situation that I'm ashamed to talk about with my friends.  I need some help deciding what to do.

I am a college graduate and the eldest girl in my family.  I was doing very well until I was forced to resign from my job because of inappropriate relations with a VP.  He wasn't asked to leave but I was.  Very unfair and sexist, if you ask me.  I feel I can't talk about it because I will embarrass myself.  We had a great connection.  I believe that if we were in different circumstances, we would be a couple.

Since losing my job, I've fallen on hard times.  I am planning to move back in with my parents, but I haven't told any of my friends.  Only my parents know.  I don't plan to be there long.  In the meantime, I asked my lover (the VP) to help me out with a small loan.  He told me he couldn't see me anymore and was definitely not going to help me.  He said I almost ruined his life.  Mind you, he was the one who pursued me.

I feel so hurt by the entire situation.  I don't know where to turn from here.  Like I said before, I haven't spoken to my friends because I'm too embarrassed.  I'm giving up my condo to cut costs but I have a million other expenses to maintain.  What do you think I should do to generate income soon?

Signed,
Embarrassed

Know Your Rights: A Survival Guide for Non-Lawyers

Know Your Rights: Easy Employment Law for Employees

WISY's Advice:

Dear Embarrassed,

Put all that false pride in your pocket.  There is no shame in moving back home with your parents.  In fact, more and more young adults are opting to move back home to save money.  It's smart, practical, and can beneficial to all parties.   

Ever hear the saying "a closed mouth doesn't get fed"?  You could be missing out on some opportunities by withholding your situation from everyone.  If you fear ridicule from your friends then you may not have true friends in your circle.  Think about who genuinely cares and open up.  You need some moral support right now.

Now, on to this VP guy.  This situation screams "law suit"!  Hire a good lawyer and expose this company for what they did to you.  Hey, sometimes our human nature gets the best of us and we give in to temptation.  No one was hurt, and no crimes were committed, but if this type of relationship is against company policy, then that VP should've been asked to leave as well.  You have rights. Exercise them!  I hope he is taught a valuable lesson.  He deserves to experience a little discomfort, especially after what he did to you. Ugh.

Pick yourself up, get your resume out there, and keep it moving! When you land your next gig, start saving.  You never know what life will throw at you.  Oh yea, and adhere to company policy. 😉

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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We Have an Open Marriage

Dear WISY,

I have been with my husband since I was in high school (almost 15 years ago).  We're very happy and blessed.  We've never separated but we do have arguments from time to time.  You would think that my family and friends would happy for me but instead they criticize our relationship.

My husband and I have an open relationship.  The only time we can see other people is in our own house, and the other person has to know that it's just a thing.  This is what works for us, so why is everyone so bothered about it?  It's not their relationship or marriage.

Usually I wouldn't care about what people think, but they have stopped visiting us and inviting us to functions.  I see their pictures on Facebook of family events, and we don't get invited.  It's starting to take a toll on us.  Of course we miss spending time with our family and friends.  What do you think we should do?

Signed,

Open

Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage

Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

WISY's Response:

Dear Open,

All of your friends and family have deserted you?  Are you sure you're telling the entire story? 😕

In any case, I think your mistake was allowing your friends and family into your intimate affairs.  What you and your husband do is your business - remember that.  Nobody can tell you how to live your life, and you certainly shouldn't begin to consider allowing that. So, learn to live without those who cannot look past things that do not concern them.

It's ridiculous that your friends and family have excluded you from group gatherings because of how you and your husband choose to live.  You're not committing any crimes, you're not hurting anyone so, gather some new friends and continue to be happy with your husband.  And of course, be safe when entertaining your guests!

Also, not to fret, the genuine friends and family members will come around sooner or later.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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Help me Keep Him

Dear WISY,

Please answer ASAP!

I am going through something I never would've dreamed of.  My boyfriend is trying to leave me for another girl.  I can't imagine being without him so I really need your help to get him back in my corner.

I went through his phone and saw his texts with this girl.  It looks like they have been talking for years.  It seems like he knew her before me and now they're trying to move out of the friend zone.  I didn't want to tell him I went through his phone so I asked him if he was happy with me.  At first he told me yes and then he changed and said no, and then told me about the girl.  I felt like my heart was ripping in my chest.  I love my boyfriend so much.  He told me he's going to be with her, and I told him that I'm not going anywhere.  He told me I should prepare to be hurt because he will never put me first.

I know this sounds crazy but I know he's probably just going through some issues and is out of his mind.  Please help me sway him back to where he needs to be.

Signed,

Not Leaving

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

 F*ck Him! Don't Be Bitter, Get Better Make Money: Learn how to move on after dealing with Mr. Wrong (Volume 1)

WISY's Repsonse:

Dear NL,

That's awful.  He should've told you he was moving on before getting so involved with the other girl.  Actually, I don't know if that would've done you any good because you don't seem like the type to walk away.  This delusional behavior will do you more harm than the hurt your boyfriend promised.  Snap out of it and move on.  Why would you want to subject yourself to all of that?

I know this must hurt like hell, but there's nothing left here for you.  He told you he's moving on and you have to respect that.  Go through all the emotions and ride it out until it doesn't hurt anymore.  You'll be alright.  I know it probably doesn't feel that way right now, but you'll be just fine.  Time heals all wounds.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I Need Dating Advice

Dear WISY,

I need some dating advice.  I seem to always attract the guys who have nothing going for them.  Every time I give dating a chance, I'm always let down.  I met a guy around new year's and just like all the other guys, he has a dead end job, terrible credit, and is always broke.  I decided to give it a try anyway.

At first everything was fine.  I overlooked his shortcomings because he is absolutely gorgeous AND he is an amazing lover.  He touches me in a way I've never been touched before.  I admit that his talents blinded me for a while, but now I'm over it!  I can only consider him a friend with benefits now.

What am I doing wrong?

Signed,
Wrong Attractions

How to Attract a Man: Find a High-Quality Man by Being a High-Quality Woman

 How to Attract the Right Man & Fall in Love

WISY's Response:

Dear WA,

Consciously or subconsciously, we all have a type we're attracted to.  As the saying goes, don't judge a book by its cover, but if you pay attention, there are certain characteristics which exude a person's traits, decorum, and other lifestyle facts.  For example:  if a man wears an excessive amount of jewelry, he is desperate to display his wealth as a means of validation.  Chances are he is insecure about his past monetary status.  This could also be an indication of many other signs - like not knowing how to invest his money wisely.

You need to pay attention to what usually attracts you to these men.  What are the similarities?  Where do you meet them?  How do they approach you or vice versa?  Think of all the different situations and find the one tell-tale thread.  When you figure it out, make a conscious effort to avoid it.

Other things you should consider are your appearance and behavior.  Are you sending the wrong signals? Are you presenting yourself in a manner which makes these guys approach you with ease?  If you're not already, you should begin to act and dress for the part.  Present yourself in a manner which reflects what you desire.  These are the simple laws of cause and effect.  Research it if you want to know more.  I hope this helps.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Brought Another Woman Into Our Home

Dear WISY,

I’m a woman in my late 40s.  I have two children and I’ve been married for almost 15 years.  I am very career driven and travel a lot in order to maintain my position at my company.  I am determined to advance to the highest level here.  Unfortunately, my drive at work has caused some issues at home.  My children don't get to see me often and I feel terrible about it, so I spoil them with whatever they want.

My husband has been cheating on me and I’ve always had a hunch.  I knew for sure when my youngest started speaking of the woman, and said that my husband brought her to our home.  My youngest is 8 and doesn’t really understand that another woman in our home poses an issue.  My 15 year old is a boy and he’s always out playing sports and hanging with his friends.  When he’s at home he is always playing the PlayStation.  He wouldn’t know the house was burning until it’s too late, so he hasn’t noticed anything.

I asked my husband about it and he asked me what I expected if I was always gone and chose my career over my family.  I don’t see it that way; I am doing all of this for my family.  We are well off and it’s not become of my husband’s income, it’s because of mine.  I feel like my husband is being ungrateful and unreasonable.  He asked me to scale back at work and spend more time with my family or he was going to file for divorce.  I never expected this.  I thought we were fine.  I thought we were doing what we were supposed to be doing as a couple.

Do you think I should let him leave?  It’s obvious that he doesn’t respect our union because he brought someone into our private space.  I don’t think it’s fair to sacrifice my dreams to appease a man.

Please offer your advice.

Signed,

Career Woman

What Parents Need to Know About Children

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition

WISY's Advice:

Dear CW,

Life is all about balance.  If you invest too much time into one thing, of course everything else will suffer.  While, I don't condone your husband's actions, you should take his advice and scale back a bit for the sake of your family, especially your children.  I admire your drive, and I agree that you should pursue your career to the highest level possible, but I don't want you to look up from work one day and realize that your children are grown and you never took the opportunity to establish a valuable relationship with them.  Children who feel emotionally neglected develop behavioral problems and there's no amount of gifts that can fix that.  They need their mother.

Usually I'm not the type to overlook betrayal, but if you think about it, your husband could argue that you've betrayed him also.  You've chosen to prioritize work over your family.  His talk about divorce is a cry for help.  Listen to him.  If he really wanted a divorce, he would tell you he's divorcing you instead of giving you an ultimatum.  I recommend you see a marriage counselor to work through this with your husband.  I'd just hate for your children to permanently lose a parent at home.  They're already dealing with your constant absence, please begin to consider their well-being.  

I really hope that you can work this out.  Again, balance can turn this situation around for the better.  If you are unable to see past his infidelity, then I hope you've both learned valuable lessons.  Whatever you decide, don't continue to neglect the children.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I Caught Him Cheating with...

Dear WISY,

I'm in a very hurtful situation and I need help.  I found out that my man is having an affair with my friend.  I caught the both of them in my bed when I came home early from work.  They were so into each other that they didn't realize that I was watching them for about 30 seconds before they saw me.  My man was telling my friend that he loves her and that he can't wait until they don't have to hide anymore.

I can't believe that my friend would do this to me.  I took her in when she didn't have anywhere else to go and I have been helping her and encouraging her during this hard time.  She knows how much I love my man.  I don't understand why she would do this to me.  

Since I caught them, my man has been apologizing and being extremely nice to me.  I don't really blame him because men will be men.  I'm trying to work it out with him.  My friend is also trying to make amends, but I don't want anything to do with her.  My man told me she was the one who came on to him and seduced him.  He's really sorry and I believe him.

I need help getting over his betrayal.  What should I do?

Signed,
Hurt

Get Over Betrayal in 14 Days: Guide To Getting Past Your Anger, Heart Ache, And Getting To Forgiveness...

To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man: The Keys to Catch a Great Guy (Relationship and Dating Advice for Women Book 7)

WISY's Response:

Dear Hurt,

I know this situation cut you deep and I'm sorry you had to experience it.

First, I can't ignore the fact that these words ("he loves her and that he can't wait until they don't have to hide anymore") didn't resonate with you enough to realize that you need to dump the both of them.  Second, why are you so quick to dismiss your friend and not your man?  If anything, he owes you more loyalty than she does.  Third, men will be men doesn't fly when you're in a committed relationship.

The best way to get over the betrayal is to throw out the trash, burn your sheets (maybe the  mattress too), and rally your true friends to uplift you during this difficult time.  You are probably having feelings of inadequacy, hence your willingness to forgive him and have the opportunity to prove yourself.  So, you'll need lots of honest and positive energy surrounding you now.

The truth is:  some people will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you allow it.  They will continue to push their limits until their behavior becomes the norm.  Don't get caught in the trap.  He got away with sleeping with your friend and will continue to cheat because you are indirectly allowing it.

Wash you hands, go get tested for STDs and move on.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY