Was He Cheating with Her?

Dear WISY,

I need your advice, please.  I recently got out of an 8-year relationship.  I decided to leave my relationship because he was not serious enough about us.  He was just happy existing the way we have been for years.  I don't think he ever had the intention to marry me or have children with me.  He just wasted my time.  Anyway, I moved on and I am really enjoying single life.

I will admit that I have been stalking my ex's Facebook page.  I check up on him everyday because a part of me misses him.  I guess it's because I became used to him being around.  I checked his page yesterday and I saw that he changed his relationship status to being in a relationship with this girl who he swore was just a friend.  Seeing that took all of the joy I have been feeling these past few months.  I feel jealous and I feel like a fool.  I want to reach out to him and figure out if he had been seeing her all along.  I feel like she was the reason why he never moved forward with me.

Do you think he was cheating all along?  Should I ask him about it?

Signed,
Need to Know

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WISY's Advice:

Dear NTK,

No, don't ask him.  What he may have done while in a relationship with you is irrelevant at this point.  Remember, you decided to move on because you were unhappy.  Keep going.  Don't allow your ego to interrupt the joy you were feeling since leaving.  Keep enjoying your single life until you decide to become involved with someone who is more compatible with you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY
 

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I Don't Want to be in Her Wedding

Dear WISY,

I need advice, please.  My friend is getting married next spring and she asked me to be a part of the wedding.  I am really excited about the wedding and I'm really happy for her.  The only issue is, she's including a girl who has been horrible to the both of us.  She just got around to apologizing for all her crazy behavior and my friend sees it fit for her to be a part of the bridal party.  I honestly don't want to be a part of the wedding anymore.  I haven't forgiven this girl yet.  The things she did and said really hurt me.  I'm just not over it yet.  My question to you is:  Should I excuse myself from the wedding party?  I really don't want to bring any negative vibes to what should be a loving situation.

Signed,

Bridesmaid

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Bridesmaid,

I think you should grow up and put your feelings aside for what will possibly be the most important day of your friend's life.  It's not your wedding.  If she has forgiven someone for past offenses then you should not project your feelings into that situation.  I understand that you're struggling to forgive this girl, but excusing yourself in itself is bringing negativity to the situation.  Think about the consequences of your actions and stop being so selfish.  Your friend chose you to be a part of her special day.  Don't ruin it.  No one is asking you to become bosom buddies with the girl, just put your big girl panties on and behave like a sensible adult.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

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I Caught Him!

Dear WISY, 

I walked in on my man masturbating to some girl on girl porn. It's not a big deal but it is for me because he hasn't had sex with me in almost 2 months.  I've been asking him for sex. I've actually been begging him to have sex and he keeps turning me down.  He tells me that he's tired or he's stressed.  He told me he has no sex drive. I believed him so I was shocked when I woke up from a nap and saw him pleasuring himself to the sight of these two women who look nothing like me. 

I confronted him and he told me that he just got the urge to do it.  He then told me that he was actually no longer attracted to me because I'm now boring and I need to do something about my appearance.  I'm so hurt.  After being with him for a year, I may have gained a few pounds and I admit I am consumed with work and not my appearance, but how shallow can he be??  He also said I don't do anything to stimulate him anymore. 

I'm shocked by all of this. I don't want to lose him, but I'm hurt. I want to get back to the old me but I am pursuing my career and I am just really focused. How can I balance both? Please help! I need advice, please.

Signed,

Hurt

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Hurt,

It's unfortunate that your boyfriend's feelings had to spill out in this manner.  Communication surrounding his issues should've occurred prior to this incident in the form of a heart to heart conversation.  I can understand that you're hurt, but in all honesty, it seems you have become more concerned with your career pursuits and have neglected the things in your relationship which initially drew you two together.  

If you become consumed by work, then you must expect your relationship to suffer because you have replaced the stimulating things you used to do with activities for your career.  I'm not saying that pursuing your career is a negative thing, I'm saying that it comes at a cost.  Further, if you don't have the type of partner who understands the effort it takes to fulfill your goals, you end up with what you're facing now.

So, think about the future and all your goals.  Is this the right partner to accompany you on that journey?  Is getting back to the old you going to jeopardize your quest to fulfill those goals?  Think about how much more of your time your career pursuits will take.  Talk to your boyfriend about it.  If he can't hang on for the duration, let him go.  If he can, get him involved in your vision, and find the time for yourself and for him.

Just so you know, someone who truly loved you would not treat you this way.  I think he's already checked out and ready to move on.  You should prepare for that.  Try your hardest not to allow his departure to deter you.  A more emotionally attached, supportive man will come at the right time.  Don't even sweat it.  You're too beautiful and intelligent for that! 😍

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I'm Catching Feelings

Dear WISY,

I'm a 21-year old guy who needs help. I'm seeing this girl and she is not my type. I slept with her because I was playing wing man for my friend and it turned into something more than I intended.  I really like her, but like I said, she's not my type. I enjoy hanging with her and everything but she's getting too hype. She wants to go out together now. I don't want to tell her no because I like her and don't want to lose her company. I just don't want my friends to make a joke about the situation. I feel some type of way. How can I tell her the truth without hurting her? Like I said, I really like her and I like her company a lot. I know I sound like a jerk, but I'm just being honest. Help me out.

Signed,

Unintentional

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Unintentional,

You're immature, but I respect the fact that you reached out for help with this situation.  You should stop saying "she's not your type"; clearly she is. What you should say is, "she's not the fantasized type popularized by your friends and the influential components in your life". 

You obviously value this girl. You enjoy her company, she took you by surprise and blew your mind. Why lose all of that for what people may think? If they are really your friends, they will respect her if you are honest about your feelings and they see that she makes you happy. Once they see how much you value her, they will follow suit. If they don't,  oh well. Your friends can't do for you what she can. 😉

In time, you'll learn that living for people and worrying about the opinions of others will cost you your happiness.  Always travel the route which will lead to a destination of peace of happiness which suits your life.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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Did He Cheat While I Was Pregnant?

Dear WISY,

I found out that my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant.  I don't believe it, but a part of me is wondering if it could be true.  I was told by his friend after they had an argument.  It seems the brotherhood is over because he called and told me something so severe.

Our baby is now three months old.  I had no idea that my husband was cheating on me.  He never treated me differently.  In fact, he treated me better than he ever had before.  I don't know if his friend is lying to me because he wants my husband to suffer.  It is just unbelievable.

A part of me wants to leave it alone and another part wants to confront my husband.  What do you think is best?

Signed,

Cheated

WISY's Advice:

Dear Cheated,

If you find that you can't shake the feeling of your husband possibly cheating, then speak with his friend again and ask for more information.  If you're convinced that the information is truthful then you can determine if a confrontation is needed.  Cheating is bad enough, but cheating while you were pregnant is a sign of complete disregard for your safety and that of your unborn baby.  Personally, I'd want to know the truth.  

Hopefully the friend is lying and this is all a desperate plot to inflict pain on your family.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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I Choose Him

Dear WISY,

I've been involved with a married man for years.  We go on trips together, we go out on dates, we do everything together!  He even spends the night when I want him to.  I honestly don't feel like I'm being neglected by him because he has a wife.  I like being with him and I claim him as my own without a second thought.

My friends and family are against the relationship.  They want to see me get married, and they think I'm settling for less than I deserve.  I just want them to recognize how happy I am and leave me alone.  I'm tired of having to apologize about my family's behavior whenever he comes around.  My mom is especially rude to him.  I just want them to accept the relationship.

I'm seriously considering disconnecting from my family so I can live in peace.  Should I?

Signed,

Happy Mistress

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Happy Mistress,

You are considering disconnecting from the people who are obviously looking out for your best interest for someone who is living a player's dream?  Okay...

Sweetheart, you will always receive criticism for your relationship choice.  There's no getting away from that.  If you choose to partake in socially unacceptable behavior then you should understand the consequences that accompany it.  So, cutting your family off will not guarantee your peace.

When enough time passes and you begin to want more from your relationship, then what?  Who will you run to when his wife finds out about you and he decides to kick you to the curb?  Your family and friends, right?

But, I could be wrong about all this.  He may be all you need, and if that's the case, go ahead and break the hearts of the ones who love you. 😏

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I Want Him Back

Dear WISY,

I recently broke up with a guy I've been with for almost five years.  I invested a lot into the relationship.  I gave him my all and I expected him to marry me.  Instead of him going along the proper path, he played with my emotions. He told me I was rushing things and he told me he was trying to find his true purpose.  I was patient with him because I love him.

Anyway, I decided to break up with him because he wasn't giving me what I expected. I thought the break-up would make him realize what we had and work to get it back.  It's been two months and he hasn't even checked on me.  I've called and texted him, but he doesn't respond.  After 5 years, how could he just live without our communication so easily?  I don't know how he does it.  I am not happy.  I miss him.  I want to have him back in my life, even if that means carrying on without marriage.  I am tempted to call his family to ask them to help me get him back.  Should I call them and get my man back or should I learn to live without him?

Signed,
Hurting

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WISY's Advice

Dear Hurting,

I think you'd be hurting yourself more if you try to get back with him.  You need to break out of this delusion you have concerning him.  When you were together, he told you that he was trying to find his true purpose.  He was indirectly telling you that his purpose is not to marry you.  Now that you're no longer a couple, he hasn't communicated with you.  Again, this is confirmation that you two are not on the same page.

Naturally, you'll miss someone you've been with for five years.  However, that doesn't mean you're meant to reconnect with him.  Pay attention to his actions, my dear.  So, to answer your question:  Learn to live without him.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Are They My Friends?

Dear WISY,

A month or so ago I went out with my friends to a party.  I was the only one not having a good time because my friends like to drink and I don't drink because I'm Muslim.  They were all dancing on men and acting wild.  I didn't like it.  Men were trying to dance with me and I was rejecting them.  I just wanted to stand alone until my friends were ready to go.  This is the reason I don't usually go to parties.

The party began to get quiet and my friends were telling me they were ready to go.  When we were talking, this guy I rejected earlier came between us and was insulting me.  I was trying my best to ignore him, but eventually I retaliated with words of my own to offend him and his appearance.  At that moment, he slapped me.  I raised my hand to hit him back but my friends pushed him away.  It was a chaotic scene and it was shameful.

I was happy that my friends defended me, but that didn't last long.  As soon as we got to the car, they began to criticize me for being so antisocial.  They told me that I was not a good person to hang out with and told me that I should've just danced with a few people to avoid people getting upset.  I felt confused as if they thought the incident was my fault.  I can't believe my friends would treat me this way.  

I haven't spoken to them since it happened.  They are calling me constantly, but I don't want to hear anything else about the situation.  I am still embarrassed about it.  My cousin said I am being unreasonable.  Do you think those are the kinds of friends I should want in my life?  Please tell me.

Signed,
Friend

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WISY's Response:

Dear Friend,

What in the what?!  You get assaulted by an insecure punk and then your friends blame you for it???  Let me tell you something - you are not obligated to dance with anyone if you don't want to!  You are not obligated to interact with anyone if you don't want to!  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!  PERIOD!  The only thing you did wrong was go out with people who do not respect your choices.

I'd like to give your friends the benefit of the doubt and say that the liquor was clouding their judgment, but I'm not excusing their behavior.  You have a right to step back from them and analyze the friendship.  I don't think you should avoid their calls though.  I think you should express your disappointment in their behavior.  Let them know exactly how you feel.  Who knows, maybe they are calling to apologize.  Answer the phone, have a conversation about what happened (it will help you get over it), and then decide how you want to proceed from there.  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  Parents, mentors, teachers - PLEASE teach your sons the proper way to deal with rejection.  I'm hearing and reading too much about men who are unable to process these types of situations without becoming violent.