Update: He Didn't Show Up For My Birthday Dinner

Dear WIsy,

Thank you so much for responding to my letter.  When I wrote that letter, it was several months ago.  When I read the letter last week, I felt so humiliated although nobody knows who I am.  Since I wrote the letter, I have had some changes and I felt the need to send an update.

After I found out about the other women, I decided that I was going to leave him.  I asked him to go to dinner so we could talk and end things on a high note.  He agreed and told me that he wasn't willing to end the relationship, but he loved me so much that he would do whatever I needed to be happy.  I felt good about the night after that.  I was so nervous but his words (as always) made me feel better.

When we were at dinner, I had a few drinks and got tipsy.  When we left, I ended up going home and having sex with him.  He convinced me that it would be the last time and I honestly believed that.  Anyway, the next morning I asked him to leave and he went about his business.  We agreed that we would no longer communicate and we wished each other well.  A part of me was in disbelief that he agreed to leave me alone but I knew it was the best thing for me.

You won't believe that the next month, I found out that I was pregnant.  I was so mad at myself for allowing him to be intimate with me again.  I was conflicted about what I should do and I didn't want to call my mom or friends about it because I didn't want to hear their judgment. So, I called him and told him.  He was a complete asshole and told me that I was trying to trap him and that he didn't want anymore kids, etc.  I told him not to worry about me trying to do that because I don't want to have a baby by someone who isn't invested and I definitely didn't want to be a single mom.  So, I hung up, called my doctor to terminate the pregnancy and vowed that I would never ever call him again.

I was doing so well.  I have been focusing on myself and started my business.  Everything has been going smoothly with my life.  I even met someone new and I've been taking it very slow wit him.  He's my age and nothing like my ex.  I feel good about him.  Anyway, he invited me to his family's BBQ, and when I got there, the first person I saw was my ex.  The next person I saw was his current girlfriend who happens to be pregnant!  Then, my current boyfriend introduced me to his sister who is my ex's pregnant girlfriend!  I nearly fainted.  All I could do was stand still and smile at them.  I tried my best to act normal at the BBQ but I was shattered inside because this man only told me to terminate the pregnancy because he had someone else pregnant at the same time.  I can't even remember what his reaction was to seeing me because I was in so much shock.

My new guy kept asking me what was wrong and I lied and told him that I was just nervous to meet his family.  He eventually told me that we could leave.  I decided to tell him what was really wrong because I didn't want to start the relationship off with any secrets - especially because my ex could become his brother in law.  Anyway, I told him all about my ex and everything that happened.  I even told him that I believe his sister was one of the women I contacted.  He told me that this was too much for him to digest and that he needed to take a break to process it all.

At this moment, I don't know where I stand with my new guy.  I can't believe my ex is still ruining my life although we have not been in contact.  I wish I never met him. Anyway, that's my update. Thank you for reading my letter.

Signed,
BB

Dear BB,

Sorry you are going through this.  I didn't expect this update at all, but I thank you for trusting me enough to reach out again.

Listen, our ex is something else!  Seeing him again with his new situation is just confirmation that you did the right thing.  I hope you can see things from that perspective.  As far as the new guy is concerned, I can understand that the information is a lot to process.  I just hope he doesn't keep you in limbo for too long.  While you can't put a time limit on how someone processes their feelings, you can put a time limit on how long you're willing to wait for someone.

I pray things get better for you, Love.

Walk good,
#TeamWIsy🌴

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He Didn't Show Up For My Birthday Dinner

 Dear WISY,

Please keep my identity anonymous.  I am going through an issue right now that is partially my fault, but I still feel like I'm the victim here and I am truly hurting.  I'm asking you not to judge me because I'm only human.

Ok, so I have known my boyfriend for some time.  Let's just say I was still young and immature at the time when I met him.  He was just coming out of a relationship with a woman he said took advantage of his kindness.  He is about 20 years older than I am, so he knew the right things to tell me to get me interested.  Anyway, I met him when he was down and out and I was going through some hardships myself.  I guess we connected on that level. We've been on and off for a few years but decided to really give it a try during the pandemic.

Everything was cool, we picked up right where we left off.  Here's where the problem started. It was time for my birthday dinner and we made plans to go to a nice restaurant for a group dinner with my family and friends.  The night of [my birthday dinner] comes and he's a no show.  I called this man a million times, no answer.  I know this is going to sound crazy but I went to his house and he no longer lived there.  Ok, so he was always at my place. I just assumed he liked it better because I have a nicer apartment. Anyway, I started to panic and think the worst.  I really convinced myself that he was a wanted fugitive and had to dip without telling a soul. After a few more days of not hearing anything, I gave up and made peace with the situation.

A few months passed and my mom called me and told me that he sent her a message saying that he messed up.  He said he was in a relationship with someone else and they just had a baby.  She said he told her that he had wanted to tell me but he was too afraid to hurt me. I didn't know what to say, I was feeling all the emotions at once.  Some time passed and I made peace with the situation again.  I felt like I dodged a bullet and felt bad for the person he was with because she obviously had a POS for a man.

A few more months passed and I got a call from him to wish me a happy birthday.  He was apologetic, told me he was only with the woman because of the baby and how he just really wants to make things up to me.  Yes, I accepted his apology and got back with him.  I didn't tell anyone because I know how stupid this is.  One day, he went home to be there for the baby's bedtime and I decided I wanted to end that relationship for him.  So, I sent some screenshots to the baby's mother's phone.  I got the number out of his phone. Don't ask me how...hahaha.  

Anyway, she didn't even reply with what I thought she would say.  Instead this lady sent me some screenshots of him in conversation with other women! She then said, "we're not together sis. take it up with these other women".  When I tell you I was embarrassed! I called him immediately and he denied everything. Luckily the screenshots had phone numbers at the top so I called them.  There were three.  They all were under the impression that he was single and was getting to know them to eventually get into a relationship.

So, here I am.  I don't know what to think or what to do.  I know you're going to say I should just leave him but I don't think he's serious about the other women.  They haven't been physical with him so maybe I should overlook the conversations and let him know what I found out and tell him that he needs to just focus on us and what we're trying to build.  I feel like if I can forgive him for having a whole baby then I can forgive him for a few conversations.  Do you think it's worth trying again?  I have had dreams about marrying this man.

Signed,

BB

Dear BB,

Girl. I -

So, what is your limit, sis?  I just feel like you're holding on to false hope here.  This dude seems like he has some serious issues to overcome.  He didn't show up to your birthday dinner, he ghosted you, he didn't live where you thought he did, he had a relationship and a baby, he's conversing with other women, giving the impression that he's single - what's next?  

It seems he still knows the right things to say to you in order to manipulate you.  Don't let him keep you in this toxic cycle.  You deserve so much better.  Someone who loves and respects you would never continually hurt you like he has.  So, to answer your question, no - I don't think it's worth it.  I think it's best that you leave him alone, heal (be sure to see a therapist), and move on to a healthy relationship when the time is right.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴

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All We Do Is Argue

Dear WIsy,

My girlfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. She has a habit of making a big deal out of nothing. Her latest gripe is because of a female coworker calling me after work hours to get some advice about her relationship from a man's perspective.

I told her the woman was just in need of some help and that there's nothing going on. She was still mad and said she doesn't understand why I can't see that it's inappropriate.

So, is it wrong for me to have platonic relationships with women? I feel like she's being too insecure.

What's your take?

Signed,

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

"Dance ah yaad before you dance abroad".  The energy that you're willing to use to provide relationship advice for another woman should be directed to your own relationship.

Imagine your woman having arguments with you and then seeing you taking the time to be understanding and invested in another's relationship.

The issue isn't having platonic relationships with the opposite sex. The issue is your failure to see that your girlfriend's "big deal" issues are being minimized while somebody else's woman can access your time and energy for their "big deal".

If you guys are arguing more frequently,  then there is an underlying issue that you both are dancing around. Commit to resolving the issue if the relationship is worth it to you. Listen to each other, broaden your perspective, and lead with love always. Some couples therapy would help too.

Tell your coworker to hit me up if she needs advice - you're busy. 😉

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴

I Got a DM About Their Affair

Dear WISY,

Can you help me, please?  I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 2.5 months.  I met him on a dating app, we went on a date, hit it off right away, and the rest is history.  Anyway, he was the most physically affectionate man when we started off. We couldn't get enough of each other and I loved it.  I thought I had finally found someone who shared the same sexual appetite as I did.  Now, we barely touch each other (well, I touch him but he doesn't respond).  I asked him what happened and he told me that he is just so tired these days and he doesn't understand what the problem is himself.  I'm a reasonable person, so I gave him a chance to make some changes.  Two months passed and nothing changed.  I was miserable but I tried to be understanding.

Next thing I know, I get a DM from a ghost account telling me to leave my man because he is in a relationship with them.  Apparently, he spends his lunch breaks with them and they do it all. You get the picture.  I don't know why I asked him, because of course, he denied it and said that people are jealous and just want us to break up.  Nobody is jealous of us.  My friends have been very supportive of me with all of this.

Since that happened, I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I feel that he is lying to me and I just can't shake it.  I went back to try to speak with the ghost account some more but the account has been deleted.

What am I supposed to do?

Signed,

Suspicious

WIsy's Response:

Dear Suspicious,

If you've been running your mouth to everyone about your boyfriend's drastic change, then it could be what he suggested, but I'm going to assume that's not the case and consider what you've told me.  Something is definitely off.  Such a drastic change is cause for concern.  Has he had a major change in his daily activity that would cause chronic fatigue and a dip in libido?  Has the passion died down? Are you all keeping things exciting?  Are you keeping up with the things that drew you to one another in the beginning? If the math ain't mathing, it may, in fact, be infidelity.

Only you can determine what will bring you peace and what you can tolerate.  So, if you feel he is lying, and it's bringing you unrest, you should definitely prioritize your mental health.  Do what you must to feel like yourself again.  This isn't an easy situation because love often interferes with logic and reason.  Love can cause us to put our feelings aside to keep the "peace", BUT there is a limit to everything and there is balance.  Find your balance.

The truth will reveal itself. May be now, may be later.  You determine how much time you have to give.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴

My Husband's Bad Attitude Led Me to Love Her

Dear WIsy,

I am a young woman in my 20s who moved to a new state with my husband about a year ago. When we first moved here, I felt very lonely and isolated. My husband could not understand why I was unable to make friends. He made friends very easily but I am not a very social person. He began to criticize my character and told me I was a drag to be with. This made me really upset and I fell into a deep depression. He continued to criticize me on a daily basis. He was only nice when he wanted to have sex. I felt used and useless. 

One day, he got up and told me to get up and get dressed. He said he was taking me somewhere fun to cheer me up. I was so surprised by his mood and his kind demeanor. I became happy and hopeful that morning. He took me to his friend's house. His friend's wife was very popular and he thought a friendship with her would bring opportunities for me to meet more people.

She immediately took me by the hand and we went into another room while our husbands hung out. I don't know why but her touch made me feel so secure. I felt like she cared about me. I felt that she saw me for who I am and appreciated me. I fell in love with her. I didn't know I could develop feelings for another woman. I never had any desire before.

I began to meet up with her alone and one day I told her how I felt. She laughed and told me not to be silly. I played it off like I was joking too because of embarrassment but I really do love her. Now, when my husband and I have sex, I think about her. It makes me orgasm so hard. He thinks it's him but it's her on my mind the whole time. 

I don't know what to do. I want to have sex with her. It makes me so excited thinking about how it will be. I've been watching lesbian porn to learn some things. I want her to have an affair with me. I know this sounds crazy but I am just being honest. I am afraid that my desires will overtake me. Please help.

Signed, 

Deep Desire

Dear DD,

You did not fall in love with that lady. You came across someone who treated you better than your husband and you're mistaking her simple kindness for romantic affection.  

In between looking up lesbian porn, look up some things to do in your state that align with your interests. Things will start to look up from there.  I also want to encourage you to seek some therapy sessions to assist you with your mental health.

Also, if you're unhappy with your husband, let him know and ask for changes.  If he is unwilling or unable, then start to make plans to move forward on your own.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy

 

I'm Addicted

Dear WISY,

I have a problem I have been dealing with for a long time and I have no idea how to make it disappear!

When I lost my virginity at the age of 20 (I'm now 25), I instantly became addicted to sex.  I love sex!  I think about it all the time (no exaggeration).  I have multiple friends with benefits to make sure I can get sex when I want it.  I love everything about sex - the way it feels, the sounds, the smell, the look of the male body.  I can't begin to explain how much I love it.

I do recognize the damage it's having on my life though.  I am constantly distracted by the thought of having sex.  I have crossed the line with my co-workers and I have even had sex with my boss a few times.  So, I approached a new guy about hooking up and he reported me for sexual harassment.  Now, I'm facing termination and humiliation even though it was just one time that I asked him.  This new guy came and messed everything up.  I've been with most of my male co-workers without any problems and now this.

The bottom line is, I know I need to conquer this addiction before it completely ruins my life.  Please help!  Where do I start???

P.S. Thank you for following me otherwise I would have never known about your page and your services.

Signed,

Addicted

WISY's Response:

Dear Addicted,

Yup!  It's time to get this addiction under control!  Sometimes hard lessons are sent to enforce a hard stop and force us to wake up and change our destructive behaviors.  This is your time for that type of lesson.  

You need to see a therapist, particularly one who specializes in addiction.  I've heard that hypnotherapy is great for this type of therapy as well.  I think it's a good idea to find another place of employment as well.  All the people you have been involved with will only be a distraction.  They may approach you for more and you may be tempted to provide.  Also, if you haven't already, please apologize to the new guy.  Don't assume that he's not traumatized by what you did because he's a man.

I wish you all the best with this.  This is not an easy journey.  Be realistic with yourself, hold yourself accountable and remove all distractions. Delete numbers, block accounts, perform a yoni steam or two - do what you must!  Sending you healing vibes!  

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy

P.S. Tell ya friends about me, Love! 💖

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She Won't Let Me In

Dear WISY, 

I met a girl I like a lot. She is the first girl to make me feel like a guy. I'm a trans man and before this, I always felt like the girls I dated saw me as a stud and not a dude. I am a man. There's nothing feminine about me. I haven't had my final procedure done but you wouldn't know it by looking at me.

But anyway, back to the girl who has my heart 🥰. She and I have been talking non stop. She knows I'm trans but she's telling me that she's nervous about us being together. She wants to get intimate but she has never been with a trans man before. I told her I'm no different from any other man she's been with, but she's still nervous.

I want to show her that she has nothing to worry about. She deserves to be treated like a queen and I can do that for her...in every way possible. She just needs to let me in. What can I do to make her more comfortable? I'm patient but I also have needs lol.

What do you think?

Signed,

A Real Man

The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook: Skills for Navigating Sexual Orientation and Gender Expression (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

WISY's Response:

Dear RM,

As with any other relationship, you have to be patient and allow your partner the time to become comfortable enough to become intimate with you.  Hear her out.  Listen to her concerns, spend time reassuring her, and be honest and give her an idea of what she should expect.  The latter is probably most important since you've stated that you haven't had your final procedure yet.  Be transparent about that part and give her the time to process what you've told her.

It's obvious that she has feelings for you and you are smitten as well.  Don't ruin it by trying to rush intimacy.

I hope this helps.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

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