Should I Call It Quits with My Husband?

Dear WISY,

My husband’s best friend came over on Christmas to introduce his new girlfriend.  They seemed very in love.  My husband jokingly interrogated her and praised her for finally showing up to save his best friend.  Following that day, we haven’t seen much of them, but they moved into a new place about 20 mins from our home.  Recently they’ve been having issues and my husband’s friend sometimes sleeps over at our house instead of going home.

With that said, his friend contacted me to ask me if I knew anything about my husband and his girlfriend talking on the phone.  I was unaware of that. I did some research and we both found that my husband and this young lady have been meeting up on lunch breaks, talking 2-3 hours at a time everyday, and they have been doing it all behind our backs.  We confronted them.  They admitted they had been having phone conversations, but stated they were discussing relationship issues and life.

We were also made aware that my husband bought her the new cat that she brought home some days after Christmas.  With all of this, I am unsure of what to do.  Has my husband really cheated with his friend’s girlfriend? Is it worth leaving my marriage?  

I can’t trust him so I can't see working it out at all.

Signed,

I Had No Idea

WISY's Advice:

Dear IHNI,

There is definitely cause for concern.  The secrecy of it all leads me to believe that there is more than just phone calls and lunch dates to talk about life and relationship issues.  Also, gifting a cat is usually reserved for close friendships, family members or intimate partners.  Even if they are not intimate, this is a case of emotional cheating, and that can be more harmful than physical cheating.  I don't blame you for losing trust, but I also want you to consider marriage counseling to help with this situation.

The help of a professional could help to unearth the root of the problem within your marriage or more specifically, with your husband.  Counseling will help you determine what direction is best for you, and  provide the next best steps to help you recover from the psychological effects that betrayal causes.

In the meantime, try to keep a clear head and surround yourself with people who will help you manage through this emotionally taxing time.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Red is for Love...Making?

--The content of this letter may be disturbing to some readers, read at your own risk.--

Dear WISY,

I am married to a man who has a very weird sense of what sexy is.  I did not know he was like this before I married him and now he is revealing his true self.  

He only wants to be intimate with me when I'm on my monthly cycle.  I have tried everything to turn him off from it but he refuses to stop.  When I'm on my monthly cycle, being intimate is the last thing on my mind.  I always have cramps and I feel so bloated.  I don't understand what it is that turns him on.  He behaves like a wolf on the hunt for its prey and sniffs the air like an animal.  Then he pounces on me and whispers the word "blood" over and over until he climaxes.

I'm slowly falling out of love with him because of this.  He is not the man I married.  I have confided in a friend and she told me that I was being unreasonable.  What is your opinion on this?

Signed,
Disgusted

       

When Lost Love Returns

Dear WISY,

I'm in a situation that I wish I could erase but it's a reality that stares me in the face daily.  I am married to a successful man.  We have been happily married for seven years and he came to me at a low point in my life and uplifted me.  He made me feel as though I was worth something again.  He met me at the bus station where I was waiting for a bus back to my town because my fiance had cheated with another woman, got her pregnant and was being forced to marry her.  The other girl's family pressured me to leave town and I did.

M husband saw me sitting there as he waited for his bus back to school.  He bought me something to eat and drink and left me with his phone number and asked me to call him whenever I felt like it.  I didn't even pay him much attention because my heart was open to only one man.  I called him a couple of weeks later and he invited me to come visit him and I did.  He was like a breath of fresh air and we eventually got married.  

I can honestly say that my heart has never fully repaired and my ex still holds a very significant piece of it.  I wish that wasn't the case but it's true that we can't help who we love.  Which is why when I saw him last week, my heart jumped for joy and I felt like there was electricity running through my body.  His excitement was equal to mine and we embraced in the market as if I was a single woman.  He told me he had come to look for me and how he regretted not standing up for me.  He wants me back and I was ready to run off with him.

I told him I was now married and he began to cry.  He asked me to divorce my husband and I am really considering it.  I know it is unfair but what can you do when your heart is tugging so hard?

I need to know what should be done.

Signed,
Lost Love

What One Dance Can Do

Dear WISY,

I am currently involved in a long distance relationship with a guy I met when I was 15.  I'm now 32 and he is the only man I have ever been with.  He decided to move away to further his studies last year.  At first I was disappointed because I thought it was due time for us to get married but he assured me that it was best to wait and set himself up to provide a good life for me and our future family.

Since he has been gone, I have been hanging out with my friends to help me cope with missing him.  I guess his friends have been telling him that I'm out a lot more and have been commenting on how nice I look.  At first, he was okay with it but now he has become jealous and now questions my every move.  He has even tried to tell me that I wasn't allowed to go out.  Now, our relationship is just argument on top of argument.  

The last time I went out I met a guy and I decided to dance with him.  After all, it's just a dance and that can't hurt anything.  I ended up dancing with him the whole night and when I was ready to leave he walked me to my car and asked to have my number.  I gave it to him and we have gone out a few times since.  I told him about my relationship and he is okay with that too.  He said he believes we met for a reason and that what is meant to be will be.  I agree.

Now, I can't get this new guy out my head.  I wait anxiously for his calls and texts and I get excited when it's time to see him.  I feel like a young girl again and I wish this relationship could move to the next level.  

I still love my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him after all these years but this new guy has awakened something in me and I feel like he just may be worth it.

Should I leave my boyfriend for him?

Signed,
Alive Again

                                                                                                       

Loyal Wife

Dear WISY,

I am the best wife any man could ask for.  I am supportive, I am sexy, I never refuse sex and I hold my husband high on pedestal because that is the way I was taught and that is what I believe is right.  For some reason, that is not enough for him.  

The last time we made love, I heard him on the phone talking to someone when he thought I was asleep.  He told this person that he imagined himself being with them instead of me while he was having sex.  He spoke to them with yearning in his voice and he told them that he wished I would leave so he could be free to love them.

As you can imagine, my heart sunk and I cried silently until morning.  I decided I would confront him in the morning, but once morning came, he rolled over on top of me and made love to me.  I was submissive and allowed him have me without any problems.  Once he was done, he kissed me passionately, looked me in the eyes and told me that he was lucky to have a wife like me.  I am confused to say the least.  Was I dreaming when I heard him on the phone?  

I don't know what to do.  A wife is supposed to be 100% loyal to her husband no matter what.  "For better or for worse..."  I meant what I said.

Should I still confront him or should I let it go?  I will get over it in time, right?

Signed,
Loyal Wife

                                                                        

Spirit & Heart Broken

Dear WISY,

A few weeks ago I was confronted by a young woman who I see from time to time.  She asked if she could speak with me about something very serious.  I immediately became frightened.  She began to speak and her eyes filled with water.  Mine did too.

She told me that my husband has been sleeping with her for the past two and a half years.  She knew everything about me and even had sex in my bed.  I was disgusted and my body began to break out in hives.  She tried to console me but I wouldn't allow her to touch me.  She then told me the worse news imaginable; my husband had fathered a child with her.  Together they had a baby boy.  

This news sent me into the deepest depths of depression.  I stopped eating and couldn't get out of bed most days.  My husband kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even look at him.  He never changed his routine though.  He still stayed out late at night and came home whenever he felt like.

For years, I have been trying to give my husband a baby and I have been unsuccessful.  I feel like a failure and I feel as though I should not be too mad with him because I cannot give him what every man desires.  

Should I tolerate his infidelity and new family or should I find the strength to move on?

Signed,
Heart & Spirit Broken

                                                                                                      

Help Me Break Free

Dear WISY,

I am in a relationship with a man who is very controlling and I am somewhat afraid of him.  He has never put his hands on me but he has definitely threatened to do so.  When he comes home from work, he expects the house to be spic and span with hot dinner on the table.  We have three small children and he wants the children to be quiet while he watches his evening shows and eats his dinner.  

I am so unhappy being with this man.  He says he loves me but there is no way he could love me and treat me the way he does.  He won't allow me to work and I hardly speak with my friends.  He checks my phone records and computer log (I'm writing this from the library) too.

I really need to get away.  My kids and I would be so much happier away from this miserable man.

Have any of your readers been in a similar situation?  How did you go about getting away?

Signed,

Desperate to Get Away

                                                   

My Sister's Man

Dear WISY, 

I want you to reply to this please.  I really need some advice.  I am in a situation that I know I should not be in but I can't help myself.  

I am in love with my sister's husband and I believe he loves me back.  One night I was spending the night at their house because my mother was getting on my nerves.  I was asleep in the guest room and I felt someone come into bed with me.  At first I thought it was my sister but then I felt a manly hand touch me.  I was scared and I turned to look at who it could be because my mind was telling me it was an intruder.  To my surprise it was my sister's husband.  Before I could question him, he began kissing me on my neck and on my arms and I was instantly turned on.  I asked him where my sister was and he told me she was already gone to work.  You can imagine what happened next and I began to spend more and more time at their house just so I could sleep with him.  

My sister is not suspicious at all but I am beginning to feel terrible about the situation.  I want to tell him to leave me alone but it feels so good to have him in my arms.  

Please, I need some help with this and don't judge me.

Signed,
Falling for my sister's man

                                     

Tolerance for Man Shortage

Dear WISY,

Am I the only one who thinks that women are way too hard on each other?  We fight and bring each other down and we fail to see that if we work together we could dominate this world.  I've heard that statistics say that there is a man shortage and because of this women settle for less than ideal relationships.  We become extremely territorial and when we find our men stepping out on us we even allow our them to sleep with other women as long as they come home at night.

I try my hardest not to get pulled into such a mindset but I've been finding it increasingly more difficult to avoid the ignorance.  I am dating a guy who I know is involved with someone else.  He doesn't admit it but I know he is cheating.  The other woman called me a few times to inform me of their relationship and instead of arguing with her like she wanted me to, I just said "ok, no problem.".  I am determined not to fight with her.  I want her to realize that he is JUST A MAN and not worth the fuss.

I don't want to leave him though.  He is everything I've ever asked for and I think that he just might realize that he need not look elsewhere for fulfillment and then our relationship can move on to the next level.

Am I delusional?

Signed,
Tolerance

After Dark

Dear WISY,

I am a very successful lady but my success comes with stigma.  By day, I am a stay at home mom with a husband and two gorgeous children.  At night, I dance at a club across the state line.  Nobody knows about my night life activities.  My husband works at night and I hire a babysitter to watch the children until I get back.  

I started dancing after a friend of mine suggested it when I complained that things were tight as far as money was concerned.  I gave it a shot and I've been dancing three nights out of the week.  This has been going on for almost two years now.  I have gotten expensive gifts and more money than I know what to do with.  I've had trouble hiding these things from my husband but I am comforted by this blanket of money sitting in a separate account in case things get tough again.

Now that I have more than enough money, I have considered quitting the dance scene but I have grown to love it.  Every time I go, I say this is my last night but by the end of my set, I am so high off of the attention that I can't see my self leaving.

I would just like to get some opinions on what you would do if in this situation.

Thanks.

Signed,

After Dark

                                                                                                      

Soca Housewife

Dear WISY,

Two carnival seasons ago I was promised a shot at debuting as a soca artist.  The guy who promised me everything began to trouble me and eventually we started sleeping together.  I might be ridiculed for this but I only slept with him because I didn't want him to get angry and take back the opportunity.  I consistently slept with him and we even began having sex without protection.  I got pregnant and he told me I could kiss my dreams goodbye.  He told me no mother of his child would be allowed on stage wining up and having men lust after her. My heart sunk and I began to hate the child inside me for robbing me of the opportunity to be a soca artist.  He watched me closely and made sure I didn't try to get an abortion behind his back. 

Slowly I began to love the child growing in my belly. I accepted that my role would be that of a mother for now but always planned to continue on a path to my dreams. I had my baby and I left the man.  I am now seeing a close friend of his who also has ties to the industry.  People are telling him that I am just an opportunist but I actually love him. 

He is beginning to crack under all the pressure and he wants me to forget about my dreams and marry him and be a house wife.  I'm really beginning to think that is my role in life because twice I've been with someone who could help me but both want me to do the same thing.  Should I give up? 

Signed,
The Soca Housewife

Educated & Liberated

Dear WISY,

I am almost finished with college and my parents are expecting me to marry someone who I don’t want to marry.  I am not from a culture that arranges marriages but my parents feel I owe it to this man to marry him.

I grew up in poverty and when I turned fifteen this man took special interest in me and started to help support my family.  He helped my father fix the holes in our house roof and build back up the fence.  He added an extension to the house so we could have an indoor bathroom and kitchen.  He has even paid my entire college tuition for all four years.  At the time I thought he was just a good friend of the family but when I went off to college he expressed how he really felt about me. 

I discovered that he was doing all those things because he wanted my family to accept him and persuade me to be with him even though he’s a bit older than me.  I have always been obedient and I have always wanted to please my parents and ease their stress, so I went along with the program.  But, now that I’m educated and I’ve been exposed to the world and its endless possibilities, I see no need for me to give myself to this man.  I don’t want to be perceived as ungrateful but on the other hand I don’t want to be trapped in a life of misery.  I guess I could make myself content with being with him but I may always have that "what if" thought in the back of my mind.  

Is it worth the discomfort of my family to go about my business and make my own life?  I love them so much and the thought of them falling back into poverty brings tears to my eyes.

What would you do?

Signed,

Educated & Liberated

I Love Married Men

Dear WISY,

I want to know if there are any women out there that prefer a man who is already with somebody else. Personally, I prefer a married man because I don't want anybody controlling me too much and when he is not by me I know he has to be home with his wife.  

People say what I do is wrong but this is what I feel comfortable with.  I have just enough freedom and just enough commitment and I am not the type to cause problems with the wife.  If she were to ever ask me about our affair I would deny it.  Am I wrong? 

Signed,

I Love Married Men

Confused Heart

Dear WISY,

I hope you can help me with some advice about my present predicament.  I am currently involved in a thirteen year long relationship.  We’re not married because earlier in the relationship I told him I didn’t want to get married and that I was good with just being together.  I never really had much faith in marriage because of what I saw around me but I know now that was an unfair judgment.

 Now that I’ve expressed my want for marriage, my boyfriend says he’s not interested in getting married anymore.  He says it’s been fine the way it is and I had my chance to get married but I declined.  So, now I’m unhappy and wondering why he doesn’t want to marry me anymore.  My mind is all over the place thinking that he’s cheating or has just fallen out of love with me.

 This was six months ago and we’re still together but I must admit there is tension and I feel we are drifting apart.  Since then I’ve been going out more, flirting and exchanging numbers with other guys.  So far, I’ve just been talking to them when time permits and when my boyfriend is not around but I feel myself gravitating toward one particular guy.  I like him because we share the same views plus HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED someday.  After our conversations, I find myself envisioning our wedding day. 

 He has asked me to be with him and move on from a relationship which has no future.  I’ve given it serious thought and I can’t make a decision. 

 Am I being unreasonable to my boyfriend? 

 I appreciate your help.

 

Signed,
Confused Heart