Update: He Didn't Show Up For My Birthday Dinner

Dear WIsy,

Thank you so much for responding to my letter.  When I wrote that letter, it was several months ago.  When I read the letter last week, I felt so humiliated although nobody knows who I am.  Since I wrote the letter, I have had some changes and I felt the need to send an update.

After I found out about the other women, I decided that I was going to leave him.  I asked him to go to dinner so we could talk and end things on a high note.  He agreed and told me that he wasn't willing to end the relationship, but he loved me so much that he would do whatever I needed to be happy.  I felt good about the night after that.  I was so nervous but his words (as always) made me feel better.

When we were at dinner, I had a few drinks and got tipsy.  When we left, I ended up going home and having sex with him.  He convinced me that it would be the last time and I honestly believed that.  Anyway, the next morning I asked him to leave and he went about his business.  We agreed that we would no longer communicate and we wished each other well.  A part of me was in disbelief that he agreed to leave me alone but I knew it was the best thing for me.

You won't believe that the next month, I found out that I was pregnant.  I was so mad at myself for allowing him to be intimate with me again.  I was conflicted about what I should do and I didn't want to call my mom or friends about it because I didn't want to hear their judgment. So, I called him and told him.  He was a complete asshole and told me that I was trying to trap him and that he didn't want anymore kids, etc.  I told him not to worry about me trying to do that because I don't want to have a baby by someone who isn't invested and I definitely didn't want to be a single mom.  So, I hung up, called my doctor to terminate the pregnancy and vowed that I would never ever call him again.

I was doing so well.  I have been focusing on myself and started my business.  Everything has been going smoothly with my life.  I even met someone new and I've been taking it very slow wit him.  He's my age and nothing like my ex.  I feel good about him.  Anyway, he invited me to his family's BBQ, and when I got there, the first person I saw was my ex.  The next person I saw was his current girlfriend who happens to be pregnant!  Then, my current boyfriend introduced me to his sister who is my ex's pregnant girlfriend!  I nearly fainted.  All I could do was stand still and smile at them.  I tried my best to act normal at the BBQ but I was shattered inside because this man only told me to terminate the pregnancy because he had someone else pregnant at the same time.  I can't even remember what his reaction was to seeing me because I was in so much shock.

My new guy kept asking me what was wrong and I lied and told him that I was just nervous to meet his family.  He eventually told me that we could leave.  I decided to tell him what was really wrong because I didn't want to start the relationship off with any secrets - especially because my ex could become his brother in law.  Anyway, I told him all about my ex and everything that happened.  I even told him that I believe his sister was one of the women I contacted.  He told me that this was too much for him to digest and that he needed to take a break to process it all.

At this moment, I don't know where I stand with my new guy.  I can't believe my ex is still ruining my life although we have not been in contact.  I wish I never met him. Anyway, that's my update. Thank you for reading my letter.

Signed,
BB

Dear BB,

Sorry you are going through this.  I didn't expect this update at all, but I thank you for trusting me enough to reach out again.

Listen, our ex is something else!  Seeing him again with his new situation is just confirmation that you did the right thing.  I hope you can see things from that perspective.  As far as the new guy is concerned, I can understand that the information is a lot to process.  I just hope he doesn't keep you in limbo for too long.  While you can't put a time limit on how someone processes their feelings, you can put a time limit on how long you're willing to wait for someone.

I pray things get better for you, Love.

Walk good,
#TeamWIsy🌴

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He Didn't Show Up For My Birthday Dinner

 Dear WISY,

Please keep my identity anonymous.  I am going through an issue right now that is partially my fault, but I still feel like I'm the victim here and I am truly hurting.  I'm asking you not to judge me because I'm only human.

Ok, so I have known my boyfriend for some time.  Let's just say I was still young and immature at the time when I met him.  He was just coming out of a relationship with a woman he said took advantage of his kindness.  He is about 20 years older than I am, so he knew the right things to tell me to get me interested.  Anyway, I met him when he was down and out and I was going through some hardships myself.  I guess we connected on that level. We've been on and off for a few years but decided to really give it a try during the pandemic.

Everything was cool, we picked up right where we left off.  Here's where the problem started. It was time for my birthday dinner and we made plans to go to a nice restaurant for a group dinner with my family and friends.  The night of [my birthday dinner] comes and he's a no show.  I called this man a million times, no answer.  I know this is going to sound crazy but I went to his house and he no longer lived there.  Ok, so he was always at my place. I just assumed he liked it better because I have a nicer apartment. Anyway, I started to panic and think the worst.  I really convinced myself that he was a wanted fugitive and had to dip without telling a soul. After a few more days of not hearing anything, I gave up and made peace with the situation.

A few months passed and my mom called me and told me that he sent her a message saying that he messed up.  He said he was in a relationship with someone else and they just had a baby.  She said he told her that he had wanted to tell me but he was too afraid to hurt me. I didn't know what to say, I was feeling all the emotions at once.  Some time passed and I made peace with the situation again.  I felt like I dodged a bullet and felt bad for the person he was with because she obviously had a POS for a man.

A few more months passed and I got a call from him to wish me a happy birthday.  He was apologetic, told me he was only with the woman because of the baby and how he just really wants to make things up to me.  Yes, I accepted his apology and got back with him.  I didn't tell anyone because I know how stupid this is.  One day, he went home to be there for the baby's bedtime and I decided I wanted to end that relationship for him.  So, I sent some screenshots to the baby's mother's phone.  I got the number out of his phone. Don't ask me how...hahaha.  

Anyway, she didn't even reply with what I thought she would say.  Instead this lady sent me some screenshots of him in conversation with other women! She then said, "we're not together sis. take it up with these other women".  When I tell you I was embarrassed! I called him immediately and he denied everything. Luckily the screenshots had phone numbers at the top so I called them.  There were three.  They all were under the impression that he was single and was getting to know them to eventually get into a relationship.

So, here I am.  I don't know what to think or what to do.  I know you're going to say I should just leave him but I don't think he's serious about the other women.  They haven't been physical with him so maybe I should overlook the conversations and let him know what I found out and tell him that he needs to just focus on us and what we're trying to build.  I feel like if I can forgive him for having a whole baby then I can forgive him for a few conversations.  Do you think it's worth trying again?  I have had dreams about marrying this man.

Signed,

BB

Dear BB,

Girl. I -

So, what is your limit, sis?  I just feel like you're holding on to false hope here.  This dude seems like he has some serious issues to overcome.  He didn't show up to your birthday dinner, he ghosted you, he didn't live where you thought he did, he had a relationship and a baby, he's conversing with other women, giving the impression that he's single - what's next?  

It seems he still knows the right things to say to you in order to manipulate you.  Don't let him keep you in this toxic cycle.  You deserve so much better.  Someone who loves and respects you would never continually hurt you like he has.  So, to answer your question, no - I don't think it's worth it.  I think it's best that you leave him alone, heal (be sure to see a therapist), and move on to a healthy relationship when the time is right.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴

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