Dear WISY, Tell me if there's something wrong with me. I'm the only one of my friends who isn't married. I'm in my 40s and I have been engaged a few times but I have always broken it off. I always cheat or just disappear without explanation. I have yet to meet someone who can get me to commit wholeheartedly and I'm beginning to lose hope. I want to start a family and as you know, my clock is ticking away. I do want to settle down but I can't find anybody who can keep me engaged. I've tried all the dating sites and I've met dozens of men but I just don't connect with anyone. Do you think there's an issue with me? What should a woman my age be most concerned with in a partner? Signed, Disengaged
WISY's Response: Dear Disengaged, I get the feeling that you are entering into relationships for the wrong reasons. Your primary flaw is probably rushing in because you feel pressured to settle soon. Your age doesn't determine what you should be looking for in a man. The only thing you're ever required to look for is someone who you can't imagine living without. Whatever qualities your perfect match should have depends solely on you. I hope you're not comparing yourself to other women in their 40s; that would be a mistake and probably is the reason why your relationships have failed. Take your time, venture out to new places, try a new activity. It is said that if you want different results, you have to do things differently. Voila! Walk good, #TeamWISY
Dear WISY, I'm writing because I have something I need to vent about and I also need to get some advice about how to deal with it. A few months ago, I was working late with my team at work and I don't know if it was because I was tired and not my normal self but I started to respond to the inappropriate advances of my co-worker. Usually, I would shut him down immediately but for some reason, I flirted with him that night. We were alone, working on a portion of the project together and he touched my butt and my body went wild. The next day, we exchanged emails and text messages and made a date for the next night. I tried to talk myself out of it but I couldn't escape his grip. I showed up to the hotel room in the outfit I agreed to wear for him. We had dinner and drinks in the room and then he started to touch me and remove my clothes. Then I did the same to him. Usually, I would be disgusted by someone like him but I was more aroused than I had ever been before. The issue is he's an overweight Caucasian and I'm a sexy, little African American male, yes male. I've always had homosexual thoughts but never acted on them because I'm a christian. These are the types of activities I pray against and I publicly condemn but I had the most fun I have ever had that night. I have never been satisfied to that degree before. I don't want to stop seeing him but he's beginning to catch the feels and I do not want that clouding his judgment. He wants us to go public and let people at work know too. He has no problem with this because he's openly gay but of course I am not open about any of this. In fact, I want to proclaim it and make it adamantly clear that I am straight and I believe I just made a mistake. I am also single so it's not like this news would hurt my girl but it would hurt my family and I can't deal with that drama right now. Tell me what you think I should do. Signed, Secretly Bi
WISY's Advice: Dear Secretly Bi, What you should do is not waste any more of this man's time and end the relationship if you are not willing to take the next step with him. It's not fair to keep someone attached to you for selfish reasons. Life is way too short to be hiding such a major part of who you are so maybe you should start attending a church that welcomes all people to sit comfortably in its congregation. That way you can still consider yourself a christian and still be comfortable with your sexual preferences. By the way, do you also condemn fornication, dishonesty and betrayal? If not, you should think about why you excuse some sins over others since, apparently, no sin is greater than the next. If everything I've said is unacceptable for you, that's fine as well. If, despite all your fun and fulfillment, you still feel the need to be emphatically straight, then I guess you can continue to pray about it, maybe consider meditation and hypnosis or some sort of exorcism to rebuke that element of your character. Okay, I may have taken the sarcasm a bit far there, I apologize. You should continue to pray to not give in to temptation - all temptation...and become a monk. 😒 If you couldn't tell already, I have a serious problem with people like you who hide who you truly are and end up hurting people because you are too much of a coward to live your own life. There have been too many cases of closeted men betraying their female significant others and causing a whole heap of pain and unnecessary shame. It needs to stop and you need to always be honest about who you are. You can't continue to hurt people because you are ashamed to be with them or by continually withholding your true self. Give people the opportunity to choose if they want to deal with your issues or not. Honesty goes a long way, trust me. Walk good, #TeamWISY
Dear WISY, On summer break last year, I left my boyfriend for someone who I identify more with. I felt like I outgrew my boyfriend and honestly, I was just waiting for him to cheat so I could leave him but he never did. He was a really good guy to me. The only thing is, he's jobless and immature. Yes, we're both in school but I feel like a mature woman dating a little, silly boy. Anyway, we were home on summer break and I met an older guy in the club. He bought me and my girls bottles and spent a whole lot of money on us. I gave him my number and we continued to converse on a regular basis. I started cheating on my boyfriend with this guy and he told me he wanted to make it official so I granted him his wish. I left my boyfriend without a second thought and began spending all my time while this guy spent all his money. I think I went on three trips that summer and I was exposed to a lot of new things. I fell in love with the lifestyle he showed me and I wanted it all the time. My friends started to hate on me real bad and told me I was wrong for doing my ex like that. I spoke about it with my man and he told me they were just jealous and knew it would happen soon. He told me I didn't need to be friends with them anymore and that I would outgrow them just like how I outgrew my ex. At first, I went along with what he said but now it's been a year and I miss my friends so much. They don't speak to me at all. I'm hanging with these other girls now and I feel like they're just here for the perks. I kinda want my old life back because I miss my friends. How do you think I can find a good balance that my friends and man will be comfortable with? Signed, Need my Friends
WISY's Response: Dear INF, I won't come down on you too hard because you're obviously very young. When you're young, all that glitz and glam can blind you but you need to know that the way you handled yourself was not the way a mature woman would handle her business. So, stop painting yourself as such a mature woman. You have a ways to go before you can claim that label. I think you need to be honest with yourself and admit that you loved the lifestyle the man provided more than the man himself then you may be able to see your friends' point. I do believe they are disappointed with you and not necessarily "hating" on you. I also believe that your man was quick to tell you that you don't need them because that leaves little interference for his manipulation. Your man knew exactly what he was doing that night in the club. He set the trap and you fell right into it. Don't feel too bad because if it wasn't you it would've been some other girl. So, you're unhappy with your new friends because they seem to only hang with you for the perks? They sound a lot like you if you ask me. They love the lifestyle just like you do so what's wrong with that? When you had seemingly genuine friends you allowed the lifestyle to cloud your judgment before even trying to consider their concerns. It looks to me like you need to regain your own balance before trying to make anyone else comfortable. At your age, it's important to have friends who care and will be honest with you. It's also important to evolve and grow. Looks like you need to have a conversation with your man and your friends to explain your feelings and proceed accordingly. If you felt the need to move on from your ex, that's fine but don't allow someone to cut you off/sway you away from any aspect of your life that truly makes you happy. Enjoy your lifestyle but understand that it comes with a cost. How much are you willing to pay? Walk good, #TeamWISY
Dear WISY, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of twenty years. I gave my all to this man, hoping he would marry me and give me the loyalty I deserve but all he did was cheat on me and treat me like crap. The reason for the break up was because I found out he had another child with some random woman. This last child would make the third. I always blamed myself because I have fertility issues and couldn't give him children so I let him slide for that. This child was the last straw because he promised it wouldn't happen again and the child's mother constantly harasses me. That's why I need your help. I am happy being single at the moment and not worrying about what my boyfriend is doing. I am trying to have peace in my life but the child's mother taunts me and stalks me to the point where I don't want to go to work or leave my house. She threatens me and says that she will hurt me if she ever finds me around my ex. I don't know why she is saying this because I don't want to see him. In fact, he is the last person I ever want to see. Please, WISY, tell me what to do. I just want peace in my life. Signed, I Need Peace
WISY's Response: Dear INP, 20 years and 3 outside babies later, I'm glad you mustered the strength to let go of that situation. Now, you need to use that same strength to let this woman know that you are not going to allow her to continue this crazy behavior towards you. Don't allow that chapter to continue to haunt you any further. If you want her to stop, you can't continue to be passive. The only reason she continues to harass you is because she knows you won't retaliate. It's time for you to change her opinion of you. The next time she calls (or however it is that she communicates with you), tell her that she has nothing to worry about as far as you and your ex are concerned, so she can stop letting her insecurities drive her to be this way. Then you need to give her a warning. Tell her that any other form of harassment will leave her facing some serious consequences. And the most important thing is, you need to say these things and mean it. I hope you have documentation of all she's done so you can use it as evidence against her. Stalking and harassment are crimes so I hope she has bail money in the case that she doesn't take your warning seriously. Bottom line is, you need to stop allowing people to treat you poorly. Read some self-help books, seek counsel from a respected person in your life and dig yourself out of this hole they've stomped you into. Learn to love yourself and you will find true inner peace. Walk good, #TeamWISY
Dear WISY, I met a nice Rastafarian guy while I was on vacation in the Caribbean. Before you assume anything, he was not one of the opportunist types you hear about who wants a green card. In fact, I am also from the Caribbean and I know how to differentiate between an opportunist and the real deal. Anyway, I met him and I was immediately attracted to him. He was also attracted to me. Needless to say, things got hot between us and when it was time for me to leave, I didn't want to go. We made plans to see each other regularly, so I've been visiting the island frequently to be with him. Each visit brought us closer together and he got so comfortable with me that he did something to me which shocked me. As far as I know, Rasta doesn't do these things but this man turned into a super freak on me. He kissed me where he should penetrate me. I'm not into all of that. I believe Rasta should be pure and live up to the standards expected of them. Needless to say, I started seeing him in a different light. I'm thinking of talking to him about it and letting him know that his behavior does not uphold Rasta livity and that was the main thing that attracted me to him but I don't know if I should. Outside of that, he's a wonderful man but if he insists on continuing that behavior, I don't think I will ever see him again. Signed, Rasta Lover
WISY's Response: Dear Rasta Lover, This is a touchy subject and I haven't done enough research to answer you with facts but from what I've experienced, the stance on sexual behaviors varies according to who you speak with. Rastafarians generally reference the Bible and preach of universal love and peace. Here is where the confusion comes. The Bible calls for the prohibition of certain acts but you'll find that this sometimes conflicts with the Rasta livity guidelines. If livity calls for love and acceptance for all and the Bible calls for the slaughter of certain societal groups then lines are bound to get blurry. In the Bible, fornication is also prohibited but you seem to be happily fornicating without question. So, you see, it depends on what the issue is and who you ask. So, if your Rasta man got freaky with you one night after many sexual encounters and you don't like it then tell him you're not down with all of that and you'd rather not do it anymore. I think your belief may be more cultural than spiritual but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to voice your opinion, it does, however, mean that you should take care not to confuse the two. Perhaps he now views you as a queen or Goddess and feels the need to love and pleasure every inch of you. Maybe him performing oral sex on you was his way of showing you that he honors you wholly. I don't know, I'm just trying to get you to see that this isn't grounds to call it quits. Also, being repelled by a man performing oral sex on you suggests that you are unclean. You are a woman, the mother of all, the nurturer, the most resilient being on Earth. Nothing is more powerful, nothing is more pure. Think about it. Walk good, #TeamWISY
Dear WISY, I got into a big disaster because at the time my man and I had stopped communicating with each other and our relationship was basically fading away. I started posting hints on Facebook not to attract another man but to help motivate or enlighten women and possibly men out there about what could happen in relationships. One day I received a message via Facebook from this man I went to school with and he was crying about his wife betraying him. He also made mention of some things he would see in his mind, like standing at the top of the stairs and dropping a baby by accident. I felt so sorry for him that I began talking to him more often than I should have, and that's where I went wrong. After a while he started to send me love messages and would send voice notes playing love songs. Little did I know, he was trying to destroy my relationship because he thought I always spoke too good about it via my Facebook posts. So, like I said I started talking to him so often that one night I fell asleep talking to him via social media and that's when I found out how wicked he really was. This man went all out to try to destroy my life but I was always praying and he did not know. He got me caught up in arguments with people who literally hate me and then he called my phone one late night to cause problems, hoping my man would pick up the phone or my man would be there to force me to answer the strange number. He did this only because he knew my relationship was on the verge of ending. In the end, though extremely tempted, I decided to let it slide until I see him face to face to spit on him. Yours Truly, A Regular Lady
WISY's Response: Dear ARL, I've found that Facebook can be a breeding ground for jealousy and hatred. Unbeknownst to you, you could create enemies just by posting your day to day happenings. People are unhappy with themselves and their life conditions and cannot stand to see others happy. It is unfortunate that social media has become a platform for tearing each other down rather than building our peers up! This guy took advantage of your good heart and tried to play you like a fiddle. I'm glad he was unsuccessful and I'm glad his true character was revealed. Hopefully, his unsuccessful attempt to tear you down will serve as a wake up call for him to improve his life condition and gain inner peace. If not, he can wallow in his own self hatred and self-destruct on his own. Either way, it should be of no concern to you. Continue to post as you please. You made the best decision. Some battles are better left alone, especially when the opponent seems to have serious mental issues. Walk good, #TeamWISY p.s. Continue to pray for guidance and protection and no spitting! 😂😂😂
Dear WISY, Brace yourself because this is pretty crazy and I don't know what to do because I love this man with every bit of me. Okay, I've been with this guy for two years and we are the regular couple - we go on trips, he sleeps over, I sleep over at his place, I've met his friends and family and he's met mine. Everything is good, no complaints. Since we've been together for two years, I started hinting toward marriage. He would always say he wouldn't hesitate to marry me but it's not time yet. I have never felt like there was something wrong until now and the feeling was so strong that I began to think that things were too good to be true. I wasted no time and hired a PI. I needed to know what was up and felt that the money I spent was well worth it. I wasn't prepared for what I found out. First thing that was revealed was my man is married. I was devastated but thought he must be separated because I've been to his place, slept there and there's no sign of anyone else living there. I decided to confront my man about it and try to convince him to proceed with a divorce. I didn't realize that I was only scratching the surface of what was really going on. He told me that he is married and happily married at that. He told me he didn't ever plan to leave his wife and that she is aware of his relationship with me. He then told me that the apartment I go to is their "time off" place and his wife knows about it because she also uses it when she entertains her boyfriend or boyfriends. To sum it all up, they are married and have a home together but use this apartment to cheat on each other and are fine with that! What in world??!! He told me to take it or leave it and I know I should leave it but I love him and I can't see myself without him. Do you see something wrong with staying with him? I figure the relationship would still be the same and like I said before, I didn't have any complaints. Signed, Deceived
WISY's Response: Dear Deceived, 😲😲😲 Very interesting. This whole discovery occurred because you were looking for marriage. That tells me you wanted more from your relationship. Did that feeling disappear into thin air? Will that feeling arise again in the future? Will you feel short changed in the long run? Are you okay with sharing your man now that you know where he'll be when not with you? You have a lot to ask yourself in order to know what to do. Take all things into consideration and be honest with yourself. It seems to me that you want a marriage and family of your own and you won't get that with him. The decision is pretty obvious to me but if you decide to stay, don't pressure this man to do anything outside of him and his wife's agreement and remember that you are there for his "off time". And maybe you will discover that "off time" is all you need but you need to ask yourself the questions above in order to determine that. Walk good, #TeamWISY
Need advice? Email us at DearWISY@gmail.com. All identities are kept confidential.
Dear WISY, I'm having a real problem. I'm losing my money and I'm on the road to losing my family and my mind. Last year, my best friend got married and me and some other friends threw him a bachelor party. The party was supposed to be low key because we are all sons of God and are very active in our church but the other guys hired strippers and things got out of hand. At first I was really upset but since my friend liked it, I decided to just be cool. Eventually, they convinced me to get a lap dance. I didn't think I would like it but my manhood would not relax. I was embarrassed and didn't want to get up. She thought I wanted more and continued. I did want more but I didn't want to admit that. I loved it so much that I began to lust for the stripper and I haven't been able to stop lusting for them ever since. I go out to the strip club at least 4 times a week and I spend a lot of money in there. I've spent so much money that I've made a serious dent in our savings and have lapsed on most of our bills. My wife has become suspicious and said she is going to investigate. She is worse than the FBI and I know she will find out what I've been up to. I'm afraid now that I will lose my wife and family and will be exposed to the church. Please tell me what I should tell her and how I can overcome this addiction. Signed, Addicted to Strippers
Dear Addicted, If you're a son of God then you shouldn't be asking me what to tell your wife. The truth shall set you free, my brother. It may also involuntarily free you of a family, your career and your reputation so, try to prepare yourself for that. Be open with the friends who introduced you to strippers and tell them what has happened. Ask them for some financial help to get your bills paid. I think they, more than anyone else, will understand that you are human and what the pressures placed on you by the church can do. I'm guessing that this was a suppressed desire within you and because of your religion, you felt the need to ignore it. I know you may feel this is the wrong advice but I suggest that you indulge in your desires every once in a while. You don't need to go spending your money on it either. Instead, express your desires to your wife and ask her to give you a lap dance, buy her some sexy outfits and fulfill your desires free of charge, in your home and without shame! You have to take care not to take everything you read so literally. If you were more realistic, you wouldn't be in this mess now. Walk good, #TeamWISY
Need advice? Email us at DearWISY@gmail.com. All identities are kept confidential.
Dear WISY, I'm so angry and hurt right now. I'm 24 years old and just found out that I've been living a lie my entire life. The man I grew up with in my home is not my father! I found out because my grandmother told me. She's on her dying bed and said she has always wanted to tell me but my mother begged her not to. She said that she doesn't think my dad (well, the man who thinks he's my dad) knows and that I should use my discretion as to whether I want to tell him or not. I am so angry with my mother for this and I confronted her about it. She broke down after trying to lie about it and confessed that my real father is a man she was entertaining when she first met my father. She said my father was a man of promise and ambition and my real father lacked any good qualities but she ended up pregnant by him. She said she wasn't sure until I was born and when she saw my face, she knew who my father was but she let the wrong man sign my birth certificate. She explained that our lives would have been very different if she hadn't done what she did and told me I should be grateful and that I would never understand because I am not a mother yet. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I love my father with all my heart! I am his first child and only daughter and the bond we share is something special. He is an amazing man and I strive to find a husband like him when the time is right. I'm also curious to know who my biological father is and what traits, if any, I have inherited from him. I'm also going to ask him to take a DNA test with me so I can be sure. If the results come back positive, I don't know how I'll deal with that. I do not want to hurt my dad. I don't want to ask my friends about this yet, I'm very embarrassed so please help me get through this. Please keep me anonymous. Signed, Call Maury
WISY's Response:
Dear Call Maury,
This breaks my heart and deep down inside, I'm hoping that your mother was mistaken and the correct man signed your birth certificate. Through all of this mess, I don't want you to break the bond with the man you know as your father. I think losing his relationship with you would hurt him more than knowing he raised a child who isn't blood related to him.
Your mother thought she was doing what was best for the both of you. She saw what this man could provide for you and made a decision to live a lie. This, along with other selfish decisions, almost never results in a happy ending and I wish women would stop doing this. In this day of easy access to DNA testing, it's better to endure whatever obstacles you think will result with the true paternity than to have it leaked later in life and cause a mess of hurt and pain and the embarrassment you were trying to avoid in the first place.
I think it's important to know who your biological family is for medical reasons and also because you don't want to end up getting romantically involved with your family member so, if your test results return and reveal that your father isn't who you thought it was, you should have your mother break the news to both men. She is the one who caused all this so she needs to be front and center to take responsibility for her actions. You've endured enough hurt as it is.
Remember, he's been your father all your life and nothing will ever change that. Blood is not what makes us family; it's the people who love us unconditionally and support us through thick and thin who we should consider our family. At this point in your life you should think of your biological father as a bonus. He's someone else to stand in your corner. When the shock begins to wear off and the anger eases, try to have fun learning him and discovering a whole new portion of your family tree! Eventually, I hope you all can come together in harmony. I wish you all the best. Walk good,
