CONFESSION: I'm Sleeping with my Friend's Son

Dear WISY,

I need to exhale for a moment.  I have been carrying this burden for the past six months and I just need to tell somebody about this little boy who is giving me my groove back!

I know this is terrible but my co-worker turned close friend has a son who was too yummy for me to resist.  He's 24 and I'm 43.  I know I'm robbing the cradle but I can't lie, I'm enjoying every bit of this.  I was tired of men my age being semi-erect and passing out after the first round.  I forgot what it's like to have a a rock to work with followed by 2 and even 3 rounds.  This little boy is putting in that work!

The problem is, she comes to me everyday complaining about the "girl" her son is seeing who is buying him gifts and taking him on trips.  That girl is me and I am struggling to be her friend and not her son's sugar mama.  Yea, I say sugar mama because I know how this works and I don't mind it at all.  He is wearing my ass out and I love it.  Why can't I reward him for his exceptional performance?

The other night he said he wants to move in together.  I live in a gated community and I live well.  I know his little eyes want some of what I have but I'm not sure.  Do you think it's worth it to possibly upset my friend for this bomb loving?  Let me know!

Signed,
Robbing the Cradle

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WISY's Response:

Dear RTC,

Okay, Stella!  It's a whole different ball game once this guy moves in with you.  There's a lot you need to discuss with him before you make him your live in lover.  Make sure he's willing to live up to your standards because good loving can get old real quick if the other aspects are not up to par.  

You seem to be okay with the label "sugar mama" and all it entails so I won't touch on how there may be a high possibility that he doesn't have true feelings for you and is just enjoying his seat in your lap of luxury.  But, you know how this works so you're good, right?  You won't get hurt if he up and leaves you for the next best thing or for someone his age, right?  Alright, so let's move on.

If you guys are going to get serious then revealing everything to your friend is inevitable.  You both should sit her down and tell her.  She may be uncomfortable and she may even stop speaking to you.  It's up to you to decide if her friendship or her son's loving is worth more.  I couldn't possibly answer that for you.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

Is my Friend Sleeping with my Man?

Dear WISY,

Please post.  I don't want to come off as paranoid but I have a feeling that my good friend is dealing with my man behind my back.  I haven't seen any evidence of it but I just know something is going on.

They are always unreachable at the same time and then suddenly become available at the same time.  Whenever he travels for work, she somehow is having a "bad week" and doesn't want to talk with anyone or she is traveling also.  He seems to care more about her when we all go out than he cares about me.  For example, he refills her drink without her asking and I will be drinking the water from the melted ice and he won't even notice.

I don't want to come across as the jealous, paranoid type but I need to know if something is going on between them.  I have even tried to leave them alone in a room and sneak back to catch them but I never catch them in the act.

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if you think something could be going on based on the information I've given you.

Signed,
Paranoid

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WISY's Response:

Dear Paranoid,

I don't really know what to say here.  If you don't have any evidence then it's hard to call it.  I would suggest you mention their coinciding unavailability and see what the reaction is.  Also, tell your boyfriend that his main focus should be on you and not her and see what he says.  You will be able to tell a lot about how he feels about her from his response.  If he protests too much then there's probably something going on.

I could say that you should always pay attention to your intuition but it could also be your insecurities.  Ask the right questions (both to yourself and your boyfriend) and you're bound to get to the bottom of this.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Cheated so I Cheated too

Dear WISY,

I'm writing you because I really really really need help and advice.  Please post to your site.

Almost a year ago, I found out my husband was cheating with his co-worker.  I was hurt and I was going to confront him about it but my sister advised me that it was a bad idea because my husband spoiled me and took very good care of me.  She said I would risk losing everything and give it all to the new woman.  I listened to her but I was torn up inside and miserable.  He continued to stay out longer and became more and more distant.  I decided to do something about it.

I started looking for company on a dating site.  I found a man who was also married and we became quick friends.  He was so attractive and I started to sleep with him right away.  The first time I had him, I didn't want to leave but we both had to go home to our spouses.  I continued to see him on a regular basis.  I even got pregnant by him but had to terminate for obvious reasons and now we are in love.

Every time we see each other, it is gut wrenching to leave.  We are so in love with each other and we have spoken about divorcing our spouses and moving on together.  There is nothing holding me back but he has children and he doesn't want to cause any problems for them.

Do you think I should leave my cheating husband for this man?  I no longer love my husband, I love this new guy with all my heart.

Signed,
Creeping

Nobody's Fool: How to Find Out if your Man is Cheating

 After All Is Said And Done: A Novel of Infidelity, Healing & Forgiveness

WISY's Response:

Dear Creeping,

Should you leave a cheating man for another cheating man?  Sure, go ahead and jump from the pot to the fire.  I think you've established a type, don't you?  Okay, let me stop being mean because I'm not immune to these types of mistakes either.  I know your judgment may be clouded by love right now but take a minute to think this thing through and then you can probably answer your own question.  Put your confused heart in your pocket for a second and bring your brain to this conversation.

Your husband is a cheater.  Becoming a cheater yourself doesn't rectify the situation.  As much as I would like to say "Yes girl! Give him a dose of his own medicine!", that really isn't the solution to this.  Let him know that you're aware of his affair and see how he reacts.  If he wants forgiveness then it may be worth it to work it out with this cheater rather than the new one you've acquired.  If he he shows little care, then you can move on.

If you move on, don't rush your new man to leave his family.  Remember his concerns for his children and respect that.  Don't be surprised if you're left out on the limb by yourself.  If that's the case, it may not be so bad.  You can find a man who isn't spoken for and build a honest and loving relationship with him.

Remember this:  We often become engrossed in the escape and fantasy of an unrealistic situation and mistake it for love.  We only see a small portion of a person during the stolen hours of infidelity and somehow convince ourselves that that's the remedy for our unhappiness.  This is a common mistake.  Ask yourself a few questions about this man and his happenings outside of your bedroom romps.  Do you really know him?  Does he know you?

Try to fix what you have at home before dealing with another cheater.  If that doesn't work then by all means, move on.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Want to be Free

Dear WISY,

I need your help with my current situation.  I am currently with a new guy (about a month now) and I am a freaky girl.  I like to do things that are not acceptable where I am from.  My ex guy got me hooked to all these new things when I went away to school and then we broke up when we graduated.  Now, I am back home and seeing this new guy and he doesn't even like for us to talk about doing it.  When he's ready he just mounts me and goes for a minute and then he is done.  I am so tired of this.  I need to do the things (not just freaky things) I have grown to like but because of our culture, I will not find a guy who would want to do this.

I am thinking of moving back to Europe so I can be free to do what I want.  I do not have the money or the immigration status to do so on my own but I met a gentleman when I was away at school and we still communicate.  He said he would be willing to sponsor my trip but I would have to marry him in return.  I don't know if I can stand to marry such an ugly man but I think I can benefit from being back in Europe with him because he is wealthy.  In my culture, we arrange marriage all the time so it would not be too bad.

If I can get there, I will figure out the rest.  Do you think it's worth it to go back to Europe and leave my family here?  I will support them well from there but leaving and staying away is not what we traditionally do.

Please send your advice for me.

Signed,
I want to be Free

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WISY's Response:

Dear IWTBF,

I can understand that as we venture out into new environments, our previous norm can become a bit stifling.  For that reason, I would say yes, absolutely go back to Europe and continue to broaden your horizons.  What I won't encourage you to do is go back and marry this guy just for monetary gain and immigration status.  There are other ways to make your way to Europe legally.  Marrying someone you aren't attracted to or in love with is totally unacceptable and unnecessary.  I find it funny that loveless marriage is okay for you but other aspects of your culture aren't. 

You can begin to job hunt and if your credentials are impressive enough you may find a company that will sponsor you as long as you are employed with them.  You could also save until you are able to sponsor yourself and make your way back.  Who knows, maybe you'll reunite with your ex and continue your exploration with him.

In regards to your family, I'm a firm believer that you should always try to fulfill your heart's desires.  This life is yours and you should live it how you see fit.  Just be sure not to burn bridges that you may need to cross again in the future.  If your family can gain from you living abroad then they may let customs fall by the wayside.

Think about it a little more and plan accordingly.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

   

My Ex Still Wants to be Friends

DearWISY,

I have an ex, we've been broken up for several years now. The reasons for the break were:

 1) long distance and 2) differences with family.

Anyhow, shortly after we broke up he started dating a new woman. The new woman started to harass me on social media. I confronted him about what she had done and he confessed to me that when they started dating he let her believe that we were still in a long distance relationship to allow himself time or avoid committing to her right away. He claimed that's  why she "cyberstalked" me. He apologized, said he would make things right and we didn't speak again for a few years.

After about 4 years of no communication, he called me one day. The conversation picked right up where we had left off. I've always been comfortable with him but in conversations, we never crossed any sexual lines as he was still dating the woman and I had moved on myself. The more we communicated the more I realized that I saw him as my "one-who-got-away". We would talk for hours about our past and future goals. We talked about the problems we both had in our relationship, careers etc.

I noticed that I kept having intimacy issues with the men in my life. I now realize I had moved from one relationship to the next trying to find what I had with him. I would always tell him about the men I dated, we would laugh at my disaster dates while he remained with her throughout the years.

Finally, I had the courage to let him know how I was feeling and asked him did he feel the same way about me. He said that he thought we had the best chemistry out of all his relationships but now he sees me as one of his best friends. I accepted that for a while but I realized I couldn't be friends with a person I still had feelings for. So, I let him know that I didn't think it was fair to me or his woman that we continued to have a "friendship" that she didn't know about. I also told him that I believed my feelings for him was hindering me from finding a lasting relationship of my own. I blocked him from all social media accounts and asked him to respect my wishes and stop calling me. He did for several months but he started calling again. I accepted his calls, foolishly I admit.

Recently, I saw him for the first time since we broke  up. He was with his woman. He totally acted like he didn't know me. We were at a social event and he had the opportunity to acknowledge me several times but didn't. Afterward, I actually cried because my feelings were so hurt.  About two weeks following that he called to apologize for how he acted but blamed his behavior on one of our mutual friends. He claimed the mutual friend had provoked him somehow and since we were hanging together he assumed I had  instigated it since he was with his woman.

This time I had enough and I told him his assumptions were childish and said that's why we couldn't  possibly be friends. If we were truly friends he would know I would never do anything like that. (Besides I never retaliated in the past when she harassed me).  I told him that he obviously has some unresolved feelings when it comes me but he was not being honest with himself. I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore because he truly hurt me. He called a couple times after this but I refused his calls.  He's always been blocked from my social media accounts but yesterday I get a request on IG from him.

My question is how do I deal with him? The younger, petty me would have accepted his request then put him on blast on IG, or contact his woman to let her know what he's been doing behind her back. My reasons are not malicious to hurt or embarrass her (even though I don't respect her for what she did to me in the past), it's more so to do something spiteful enough that he will never bother me again. The mature me says continue to ignore and he will go away but it's been years and he still tries. Also what is your take on him constantly calling to just be friends?  

Signed,

Idkwtd?

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No Contact rule: How To Get Over A Breakup And Deal With Your Ex (Divorce, Survival guide, relationship, move on, dating, recovery, heartbroken)

WISY's Advice:

Dear IDKWTD,

It's clear to me that this guy isn't over you.  His words may express one thing but actions don't lie.  If he still, after so many years, is trying to keep in contact with you then you have something that no other woman has been able to give him.  However, that doesn't mean he gets to remain in his current relationship and use you as a supplement for what she lacks.

You were right to tell him it isn't fair to you or his woman for this secret friendship to continue and that should still apply today.  Unless he becomes single and you both can work through the obstacles which caused the break up, then I don't think you should allow him back into your life.  You are holding on to what could have been and his constant communication will only continue to lock you in the past.  This is unhealthy especially since he shows no indication of leaving his woman.

It's time to let go and move forward.  Work on being content with your present and become excited for what your future relationship will bring.  Stop making him your ideal man, break that mold and start fresh!  You'll soon begin to appreciate the differences in your potential lovers.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY 

 

I Love my Boss

Dear WISY,

My post may be long but I need to explain everything for your understanding.  Please share because I need advice, I am confused right now.  No insults please and thanks.  I am a 25 year old female from Kogi state; I am done with HND and haven't been able to go further because of money.  I had to leave Nigeria a few months ago to work in another country.

Currently I’m in Liberia.  There is not much to do here so I started working as a waitress in a casino pub. When I got there, they only had a few workers because Liberia girls are lazy and the money isn’t enough so they work on and off.  I told my boss (a white guy) that I have friends from Nigeria that would like to come work here.  I brought 4 more Nigerians and we all stay in an apartment paid from our salary every month and we get paid every month too.

My boss asked me out and we started dating.  We have sex anywhere we want even during working hours.  I was falling in love so fast.  He told me he has no wife but he has an ex back in London with 4 kids.  I also told him I had a child back when I was 20 years old and that it was a rape and he still accepted me.

About a month or 2 later, I found out he has a black woman here in Liberia and he is married with a kid.  I was sad and wanted to go back to my country.  I asked him and he explained to me that even though he is married he doesn't love his wife and they are getting divorced soon.  Later, I heard that the same wife is heavily pregnant.  I asked him about it and he said he thought I knew.  He started begging saying the child may not be his because it’s been a long time since he’s touched the wife and he wants her to give birth and  then do some tests.

I told him it's over and he burst into tears telling me I brought happiness back to his life and I shouldn't leave him.  I told him to leave me to think about it.  I am so in love with this man but I don't want to spoil anyone's marriage.  He makes me happy anytime I see him.

Later a worker from the club who seems to be close to the wife told her that I am dating her hubby.  She threatened to hurt me and the man told me to go to Nigeria for a while and relax for a month and come back to work so everything will cool down and the wife may give birth before I come.  I did exactly that and was still sending more Nigerians to work while some came back home.  He did send me money and sent me pix, voice notes and videos of him wanking (I mean masturbate, if you don't understand) to put my mind at rest that he isn't sleeping with any other girl or his wife.

A few days before I was meant to resume work, I got a message from one of my friends working in Liberia that the wife gave birth to a girl. I was happy for him and waited for him to tell me himself when we chatted but 2 days passed and he didn't mention it until the 3rd day.  He said his wife gave birth and I asked him why he didn’t tell me before.  He said he was scared because the baby was his.  I told him I am done and don't want to come back.  He started pleading and begged me to please come; I can work and have a great friend and he said his life is meaningless without me. I still felt like going so I went.

Now I am back in Liberia and we are still dating and he has sex with me and I ask him for sex anytime I want to because I never dated anyone in this country - only him but I’m losing it because I’m dating a married man and am in love with him.  He stays away when I am on my period saying he is sick but when I’m back he cares and cuddles with me.  We laugh, play and he massages my body.  He always says if I get pregnant, it's fine, we will keep it.

I don't know if this is real love or he is just using me.  Maybe I should breakup or just walk away.  Anytime we have an argument he always asks “Do u want marriage now?  If you do then, it’s OK by me.”  but I don't really know what I want - if it’s marriage, love or lust. I don't know what he is up to either, all I know is he loves his kids so much.  

Please advise. No insults, thanks and God bless.

Signed,

Boss's Side Lady

 Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

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WISY's Response:

Dear Boss's Side Lady,

There are so many red flags here and I don't want you to turn a blind eye to them anymore.  I will not insult you, I will however tell you how I honestly feel about this situation and I hope it can serve as a wake up call for you.

I can tell you're looking for a reason to stay with him.  He's your one and only in an unfamiliar country and he serves as a source of comfort for you but that is not grounds to continue this relationship with a married man.  In addition to the fact that he's married, he's also a liar.  He lied about his marriage and his wife's pregnancy and when you confronted him, his response was he thought you knew?  This man is playing games with you and knows all the right things to say to you in order to keep you near.

It sounds to me like you two enjoy sex with each other more than anything else and it's clear to me that that's what he's most interested in from you, especially since you say he stays away when you're on your period.  

Don't waste any more time in this situation mistaking it for love.  Do not allow lust and comfort to cloud your judgment.  You seem like an ambitious young woman who has overcome a tremendous tragedy.  Do not allow anything or anyone to make you lose focus or diminish your strength.    

I'm sure there are many single men you can meet who would be willing to show you that there is much more to do in Liberia than have sex and lie to you.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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My Sister is Really My Mother

Dear WISY,

I found out that my mother is not my mother but actually my grandmother and my sister is actually my mother.  It's crazy when I reminisce on how my sister and I fought like real siblings.  She would chase me out of her room and get mad when she had to stay home to babysit me.  My mother was always pushing me to be my best and provided every resource I needed and most of all, gave the love and support a child needs and then some.  My mother spoiled us both but always had a soft spot for me.  Now I know why.

I got a message on Facebook from a man who claimed to be my father.  My first thought was that he was way too young to be my father.  I was always told that my father was addicted to drugs and no one really knew where he was so was a little skeptical about the message but had hope that this could really be him.

I replied to the message and we've been conversing for a week now.  He told me everything and suggested I confront my mother about it.  She confirmed that it was true after hours of pressing her.  She explained that my sister (real mother) had me when she was just 11 and that my father was sent back to his home country of Argentina.  At the time, he was 14.  It turns out that my aunts and uncles know the truth also and I feel like I've been this spectacle for everyone to gossip about behind my back all my life.

There's so much that has been exposed and I don't know how to deal with it.  I want a relationship with my father but I'm not sure how to proceed with my mom/grandmother and sister/mother.  I feel betrayed, I feel angry, I feel foolish, I feel so many things right now.

I am going to visit my father and have a DNA test performed and then work on a relationship with him.  

Signed,
Betrayed

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WISY's Response:

Dear Betrayed,

While I believe that transparency and honesty are always best, I can understand why some may feel the need to hide certain things.  Some people are just not strong enough to deal with anything outside of society's ideals.  I am not excusing what they did but want you to try and understand why they did it.

Your mother was a child when she had you.  There was no way she could have provided for you the way she should.  Your grandmother stepped in and protected her child the best way she saw fit.  Because of your grandmother's actions, you were given a "normal" life; you escaped the ridicule that may have come from having such a young mother and the psychological damage which could arise from having a mother who isn't mature enough to raise a child or give the love and support you would've needed.  I'm sure your mother benefited from this too.

It's time to complete the puzzle and move forward together.  It will be difficult to transition the roles of your mother and grandmother and you will experience a range of emotions.  Work through everything honestly.  The days of trying to appear "normal" are over and everyone needs to learn to deal with this new truth.  It won't be easy but it is necessary.

In the end, I think you will understand that the intention was never to betray you but instead to protect you.  Be sure not to discredit all that has been done to raise you.  Also be sure to not discredit how you feel.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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My Best Friend's Man Wants Me

Dear WISY,

I told my best friend that her man keeps getting forward with me and has asked me to sleep with him and perform oral sex.  I told her this out of concern that he may be asking other people to do the same thing and is probably getting what he asks for.  I had no intentions to hurt her and she should know that.  Instead she has stopped talking to me and accused me of being jealous of her relationship.

I have two concerns right now:  I don't want her going around, telling people that I'm jealous of her relationship and I also really want my friend back and fear she won't ever be the same towards me again.

Where do I go from here?

Signed,
True BFF

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WISY's Response:

Dear True BFF,

You clearly had good intentions but to an insecure person, that sort of news isn't taken well.  Her defense mechanism is to spin this whole situation to vilify you in order to avoid dealing with the pain and embarrassment of her man's actions.  Try not to take any of it personally.

She probably already has an inkling that her man has been up to no good and sooner or later his actions will be exposed to the point where she cannot ignore them or deflect blame.  If he can be forward with someone as close to her as you are then he is probably having a field day with others she may or may not know also.

I wouldn't be too concerned with what she has to say about you.  I think you should be more concerned about her reaction to all of this.  She was quick to dismiss you from her life, remember that.  You don't need those types of friends.  Go about your business peacefully.

If she comes back with a sincere apology and a broken heart, you can lend her a shoulder to cry on but remember the lesson you have learned from all of this.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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