He's Been Cheating Since the Beginning of Our Relationship

Dear WISY,

Last week my boyfriend confessed that he has been cheating on me since the beginning of the relationship.  He only admitted after one of the girls he's been talking to sent me a message on Instagram.  She sent me all the receipts, and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.

I asked him about it immediately.  He was at work and I was yelling and screaming at him as you can imagine.  He told me he couldn't talk because he was working, so I waited for him to get to my house.  He confessed after two hours of me crying.  I've never felt this low in my life.

He is asking me to forgive him and he promised he would stop cheating.  I don't know what to do. I love him.  I had no idea he was cheating.  I was happy with him. I don't understand how this is happening.

Do you think I should try to work it out and give him a chance?

Signed,
Heartbroken

Is He Cheating?: Discover How to Identify Signs of Cheating + How to Catch a Cheater in 5 Easy Steps

 Is He Cheating?: Crack The Cheat Code And Find Out RIGHT NOW If He Is Cheating Or Not, Why He Cheats, What You Need To Do Next - Dating Advice for Women (Surviving Infidelity in Marriage Book 1)

WISY's Advice:

Dear Heartbroken,

There is something terribly wrong with this relationship, and I honestly don't feel like you should reconcile.  Here's why:

First, he has been lying to you and cheating on you from the very beginning.  The fact that you didn't know just proves that he is a pro at deception.  Someone who hides bad deeds so easily is dangerous.  You never know what else he's hiding.

Second, for him to cheat consistently throughout your relationship is a sign that he has some personal issues that he needs to address before trying to be anyone's man.  His need to be so deeply involved with someone other than you is not a reflection of your lack of anything (as many would think).  Instead, he is either an attention whore, struggling to feel powerful, or something along those lines.  You or anyone outside of him will never be enough until he deals with his voids within.

Third, ask yourself what you'll need to recover from his dishonesty and betrayal.  Will you be able to trust him or are you going to be worried about his every move from here on out?  

The foundation of the relationship is unstable.  It will be difficult to positively build upon it, but if you're the die hard, ride or die type, trod on.  I would suggest you give him some time to heal his inner wounds.  You can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.  Remember that.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

  

Should I Get Back with my Ex?

Dear WISY,

My boyfriend and I were living together and were together for five years before we split up.  He decided to have a talk with me about our issues and our future and I took it the wrong way and we broke up.  After that, we fixed things and were fine until he said something that annoyed me and I told him we weren’t even together.  From that point, everything went downhill.  He was barely home, we barely spoke.  I moved out because he spoke to my father about me leaving.  This was in October. 

After that, we still talked and he made it seem like we’d fix things, but then he said he didn’t want to because I’d have random fits where I’d be mean to him and he said he couldn’t deal with me being that way to him anymore. 

He dated a girl who used to be my friend and lied to me about it, then after I accepted it he told me he needed to talk to me.  He said he made a mistake, that he has no real connection with her, and that he just wanted to see if someone more like him could be a better match, but she wasn’t.  He said he was sorry and understands if I don’t want to fix things.

I’m at a loss at what to do, he’s never done anything like this before.  He’s always been extremely faithful and completely truthful.  This is the first time he’s ever done anything like this.  I want to fix things with him but I’m not sure if I’ll be making a mistake.  Could you please advise me in the best way you can?

Signed,
A Lost Gal

The Complete Player: A Neurological Description of the LOVE GAME Between the Player and his Mark

The Logical Journal: Change your thoughts and transform your LIFE.

WISY's Response:

Dear ALG,

It sounds like you two still have a deep connection.  It sounds like it may be something worth working out, but there is some work to be done before you proceed.  I see that attempts to discuss issues prior to this didn't end well.  Try it again with the guidance of a counselor or a trusted person with experience.  This cycle will continue if you do not address "taking it the wrong way", "random fits", and "being mean".  

I'm guessing that your guy opted to date an ex friend of yours as retaliation with hopes that you would feel the type of pain he felt that led him to step away from your relationship.  When he saw that you accepted the situation, he came forth with the intentions of talking things through to re-establish your relationship.  Though this was an immature and damaging move, I don't see that relationship being anything outside of a cry for attention.

There are better ways to communicate with each other.  Couples' therapy will give you the proper tools to do so and further insight as to whether you two can move forward or leave things as is.  I genuinely believe things can work if you two put in the emotional and psychological work required.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

My Husband is Acting Strange

Dear WISY,

I need advice.  I hope you are old enough to help me out (smile).  Please do not reveal my identity.

I am not sure what to do about my husband.  He has become someone who I don't recognize.  He has reconnected with his childhood friends through social media.  He is in his 50s and he is now behaving like he is a teenager.  Our children are in college and he is partying more than they are.  I am nervous because my husband was extremely careless in his youth.  He caused me a lot of pain because of his affairs with other women.  We have overcome all of that and now he is on the path to repeating history.  I am worried about my marriage.  I do not want to go through that again.

I have spoken to him about it, but it seems the more I talk, the longer he stays out.  He said I have nothing to worry about, but my gut is telling me otherwise.  I really hope you are able to give some insight and help me through these difficult times.  I am not willing to separate or divorce.  That's out of the question.

Signed,
Worried Wife

The Logical Journal: Change your thoughts and transform your LIFE.

The Complete Player: A Neurological Description of the LOVE GAME Between the Player and his Mark

WISY's Advice:

Dear WW,

This is text book mid-life crisis.  Your husband has gained his second wind of youth.  Given his past, I can understand your negative emotions attached to this familiar behavior, but since you are adamant about staying together, the best advice I have for you is to ride the wave.  Find your second wind also!  Get out and have fun!  The kids are in college.  Take this opportunity to do the things you haven't had the freedom to do all these years!

Also, try to change your communication method.  Your delivery may be the problem.  You've been married to him all these years, so you should know the most effective way to communicate with him.  Approaching the conversation with the intention of understanding and not gaining control is, in my opinion, the best route.

I hope this all works out for the best!

Walk good,

#TeamWISY