Should I Call It Quits with My Husband?

Dear WISY,

My husband’s best friend came over on Christmas to introduce his new girlfriend.  They seemed very in love.  My husband jokingly interrogated her and praised her for finally showing up to save his best friend.  Following that day, we haven’t seen much of them, but they moved into a new place about 20 mins from our home.  Recently they’ve been having issues and my husband’s friend sometimes sleeps over at our house instead of going home.

With that said, his friend contacted me to ask me if I knew anything about my husband and his girlfriend talking on the phone.  I was unaware of that. I did some research and we both found that my husband and this young lady have been meeting up on lunch breaks, talking 2-3 hours at a time everyday, and they have been doing it all behind our backs.  We confronted them.  They admitted they had been having phone conversations, but stated they were discussing relationship issues and life.

We were also made aware that my husband bought her the new cat that she brought home some days after Christmas.  With all of this, I am unsure of what to do.  Has my husband really cheated with his friend’s girlfriend? Is it worth leaving my marriage?  

I can’t trust him so I can't see working it out at all.

Signed,

I Had No Idea

WISY's Advice:

Dear IHNI,

There is definitely cause for concern.  The secrecy of it all leads me to believe that there is more than just phone calls and lunch dates to talk about life and relationship issues.  Also, gifting a cat is usually reserved for close friendships, family members or intimate partners.  Even if they are not intimate, this is a case of emotional cheating, and that can be more harmful than physical cheating.  I don't blame you for losing trust, but I also want you to consider marriage counseling to help with this situation.

The help of a professional could help to unearth the root of the problem within your marriage or more specifically, with your husband.  Counseling will help you determine what direction is best for you, and  provide the next best steps to help you recover from the psychological effects that betrayal causes.

In the meantime, try to keep a clear head and surround yourself with people who will help you manage through this emotionally taxing time.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Ride Or Die Chick

Dear WISY,

My boyfriend keeps on disrespecting me.  He is always cheating on me with other girls and I don't know why but I can't leave.  I know in my mind that I deserve better but for some reason I keep going back to him and he keeps doing the same things that hurt me.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to fight a girl for my man.  I have never been a fighter but I have had to learn to fight to just because of him.  I've gotten my head busted with a stone and I have had hair pulled from my head but still I go back to him.  I know he loves me because he always takes my side when these fights happen.  He says I'm a "ride or die" woman and he really appreciates that.

I hope that he will stop cheating on me and be content with what I have to offer.  Do you think he will ever outgrow this behavior?

Signed,
Ride or Die Chick

WISY's RESPONSE:

Dear Ride or Die,

I'll be frank with you.  Your boyfriend doesn't care about your physical well-being or your feelings and you need to leave.  

The fact that he helps you fight these girls off isn't an indication of love.  It is an indication of guilt for placing you in such a dangerous situation.  Don't be confused.  One day, he may not be there to help you fight or one day he may decide to take the side of the one he truly loves.  Then what?

Listen, there are way too many good men walking around for you to be fighting over one.  Please leave him before you end up with a serious injury.   

I'll tell you like I tell a lot of others in similar situations; call up your closest friend(s), order some comfort food and cry it out.  Naturally, you won't get over him over night but when you do, you'll be glad you took the step to rid your life of the confusion he brought to you.

You should also consider some sort of therapy to help you break the habits you have formed in this relationship.  It's not out of the ordinary to fall right back into the same type of relationship so do what you can to avoid that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

     

Spirit & Heart Broken

Dear WISY,

A few weeks ago I was confronted by a young woman who I see from time to time.  She asked if she could speak with me about something very serious.  I immediately became frightened.  She began to speak and her eyes filled with water.  Mine did too.

She told me that my husband has been sleeping with her for the past two and a half years.  She knew everything about me and even had sex in my bed.  I was disgusted and my body began to break out in hives.  She tried to console me but I wouldn't allow her to touch me.  She then told me the worse news imaginable; my husband had fathered a child with her.  Together they had a baby boy.  

This news sent me into the deepest depths of depression.  I stopped eating and couldn't get out of bed most days.  My husband kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't even look at him.  He never changed his routine though.  He still stayed out late at night and came home whenever he felt like.

For years, I have been trying to give my husband a baby and I have been unsuccessful.  I feel like a failure and I feel as though I should not be too mad with him because I cannot give him what every man desires.  

Should I tolerate his infidelity and new family or should I find the strength to move on?

Signed,
Heart & Spirit Broken

                                                                                                      

Family Disgrace

Dear WISY,

I need help, please.  I have been holding a secret for a very long time and I know what I should do but I am not prepared for the turmoil it is sure to cause.  

I am the middle child of a well off family in an area that has an upper class and a lower class.  There is no middle class.  My brothers and sisters and I are expected to do the best we can at everything we do.  I know not all people are built for this type of pressure and I believe my senior brother is the perfect example of this.

Late last year, when most University students were preparing to go back to their studies, I heard a noise in the room next to me.  I got out of my bed and went to see what was happening.  I saw my brother in the room on top of the housekeeper's daughter having intercourse.  His hands were covering her mouth and she was struggling to break free from him.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my eyes were fixed on this horrendous act.  I could not believe that my perfect brother could do such a thing.  I watched until he was through with her.  He then threw her to the ground and whispered something in her ear.  I ran back to my room and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep.

The next day I noticed the housekeeper's daughter acting differently.  I went to her and asked if she was ok.  She tried to convince me that she was fine but I wouldn't allow her to lie to me.  I asked her repeatedly until she was overcome with emotion and she cried and fell into my arms.  She confessed that my brother was doing this to her for over a year.  She told me that she had become pregnant and he gave her money for the abortion.  I could not believe my ears.  The love I had for my brother was replaced with hate and disgust and I wanted him to pay for what he did.

I am so afraid of the shame that will be cast on my family and the hate my brother will have for me.  

As a woman, I know what I should do, but as a member of this family, I know I should not speak of such things.

Please help.  My mind cannot rest.

Signed,
Family Disgrace

                                                                                                     

Afraid & Ashamed

Dear WISY, 

I am writing because I have some thing I need to get off my chest. I am not proud about what I am going to say but I am going to tell it anyway. 

Currently, I am 7 months pregnant and I have been behaving like the baby belongs to my boyfriend. The baby actually belongs to my father's best friend. He is a very close friend of the family and he has watched me grow from a small child until now. He came onto me the first time when I was throwing a tantrum about not getting any money to buy a new outfit for a party. He offered me the money but I noticed his eyes were observing my body as he spoke. I don't know why I wasn't afraid or disgusted. I guess I wanted the money that bad. He continued to give me money without my parents' knowledge and I accepted knowing that one day I might have to give him something in return. 

Well, he finally came onto to me one night when I was at home alone. He knew my parents were at a party and he came in and had sex with me. It only lasted a few minutes because he was so excited about finally having me. After the act he was remorseful and begged for my forgiveness. I told him that I was now an adult woman and he had nothing to fear. We continued to have sex secretly until I discovered I was pregnant. 

He has gone to the UK and promised to return and take care of me and the baby. He has not returned and I heard my father say that he was going to stay in the UK and gain residency. Now, I am stuck with a baby that belongs to my dad's best friend.  My boyfriend has also quit school to get a job to support me and the baby. 

I feel the need to confess and tell everybody the truth but I am so afraid and ashamed of myself. 

Please, WISY, tell me what I should do now.

Signed,
Afraid & Ashamed

                                     

He Wants To Be Me

Dear WISY, 

I am writing for advice on my family situation.  I used to be very close with my brother but we fell out a few weeks ago and everybody in my family is saying I should be the bigger person and apologize to him.  I don't see the need for me to apologize to someone who intentionally hurt me and has secretly been jealous of me for years.  

My brother is gay, well beyond gay because he wants a sex change and he secretly hated me for being a woman.  He loved me and hated me at the same time but I guess his hate became too much for him to keep inside and it bubbled over and he began discussing my secrets with others and when something bad happened to me, he secretly glorified it. 

I have been nothing but supportive to him and his wishes but for some reason he hated me.  I loaned him my clothes and make up when he wanted to secretly dress as a woman and I never told anyone.  But now everyone thinks I'm the bad guy because I cursed him out when I found out he was discussing me with others.  They are all blinded by the victim role he likes to play but I see through the B.S. and I will never forget how he betrayed me. 

Am I wrong for wanting to stay away from him?  I don't trust him.  He's family but I don't care.

Signed,
Hurt by SHim

My Sister's Man

Dear WISY, 

I want you to reply to this please.  I really need some advice.  I am in a situation that I know I should not be in but I can't help myself.  

I am in love with my sister's husband and I believe he loves me back.  One night I was spending the night at their house because my mother was getting on my nerves.  I was asleep in the guest room and I felt someone come into bed with me.  At first I thought it was my sister but then I felt a manly hand touch me.  I was scared and I turned to look at who it could be because my mind was telling me it was an intruder.  To my surprise it was my sister's husband.  Before I could question him, he began kissing me on my neck and on my arms and I was instantly turned on.  I asked him where my sister was and he told me she was already gone to work.  You can imagine what happened next and I began to spend more and more time at their house just so I could sleep with him.  

My sister is not suspicious at all but I am beginning to feel terrible about the situation.  I want to tell him to leave me alone but it feels so good to have him in my arms.  

Please, I need some help with this and don't judge me.

Signed,
Falling for my sister's man

                                     

After Dark

Dear WISY,

I am a very successful lady but my success comes with stigma.  By day, I am a stay at home mom with a husband and two gorgeous children.  At night, I dance at a club across the state line.  Nobody knows about my night life activities.  My husband works at night and I hire a babysitter to watch the children until I get back.  

I started dancing after a friend of mine suggested it when I complained that things were tight as far as money was concerned.  I gave it a shot and I've been dancing three nights out of the week.  This has been going on for almost two years now.  I have gotten expensive gifts and more money than I know what to do with.  I've had trouble hiding these things from my husband but I am comforted by this blanket of money sitting in a separate account in case things get tough again.

Now that I have more than enough money, I have considered quitting the dance scene but I have grown to love it.  Every time I go, I say this is my last night but by the end of my set, I am so high off of the attention that I can't see my self leaving.

I would just like to get some opinions on what you would do if in this situation.

Thanks.

Signed,

After Dark

                                                                                                      

Tit for Tat

Dear WISY,

I've been seeing this man for a couple months now and I'm only involved with him because I am trying to make my ex jealous.  The man I'm seeing is my ex's family member and they used to be very close.  You are probably wondering why I would do this just to make him jealous, well the answer is, my ex slept with my best friend and got her pregnant.  They now have a son and had the nerve to ask me to be the god mother.  Of course I refused and cursed them out on top of it.  What kind of people are they?  It's like it isn't enough that they hurt me by sleeping together and having a baby but now want me to be god mother too?  I believe they are intentionally trying to send me off the deep end.  So, is it wrong that I am doing something to get back at him too?  In a crazy way, I feel that getting back at him this way is helping me cope with my deep pain.

Should I stop thinking this way and move on?

Signed,
Tit for Tat

Soca Housewife

Dear WISY,

Two carnival seasons ago I was promised a shot at debuting as a soca artist.  The guy who promised me everything began to trouble me and eventually we started sleeping together.  I might be ridiculed for this but I only slept with him because I didn't want him to get angry and take back the opportunity.  I consistently slept with him and we even began having sex without protection.  I got pregnant and he told me I could kiss my dreams goodbye.  He told me no mother of his child would be allowed on stage wining up and having men lust after her. My heart sunk and I began to hate the child inside me for robbing me of the opportunity to be a soca artist.  He watched me closely and made sure I didn't try to get an abortion behind his back. 

Slowly I began to love the child growing in my belly. I accepted that my role would be that of a mother for now but always planned to continue on a path to my dreams. I had my baby and I left the man.  I am now seeing a close friend of his who also has ties to the industry.  People are telling him that I am just an opportunist but I actually love him. 

He is beginning to crack under all the pressure and he wants me to forget about my dreams and marry him and be a house wife.  I'm really beginning to think that is my role in life because twice I've been with someone who could help me but both want me to do the same thing.  Should I give up? 

Signed,
The Soca Housewife

True Friend

Dear WISY,

In more instances than we would like to admit, we get angry at our friends but don’t let on because we don’t want to spoil the friendship.  We love our friends dearly and we enjoy their company but sometimes there are things we rather not see or hear from them.  So, we tend to talk about them behind their back to others about it rather than to them. 

What I have just described is not the way I operate.  If there is something that bothers me about a friend, I will address it with them directly – hence, the reason I have very few friends.  Most people can’t handle hearing about their faults but bawl out the words:  “real, genuine and trustworthy” and when you personify these words they have the nerve to call you a “hater and bad mind”.  I've been told that I'm a very intense person and I'll take that because I love who I love and I love 'em hard.

With all that being said, I would like to discuss the situation I’m writing in about.  I have a friend whom I would more call a sister that has suddenly become offended when I pull her aside and tell her certain things about her behavior.  Long ago we made a pact to never take our grievances elsewhere but to always remain true to each other and discuss the problem face to face.  It didn’t matter if we cried it through, cursed it through or simply talked it through, it always ended in a hug and a deeper connection between us.

Now all of a sudden she doesn’t want to talk, she has nothing to say about my situations and this is out of character for her.  Honestly, it has been affecting me mentally.  I’m not sure what to make of it and I miss that bond we used to have.  I’ve tried speaking to her about it but her response is always the same; there’s nothing wrong.  I know this girl like the back of my hand and I know for a fact that there is a change, so I did some snooping and I believe I’ve found the problem.

She’s dating a guy whose sister despises me (she actually used to despise my friend also but somehow that changed).  I think her “sister in law” has a lot to do with how she treats me these days.  It’s a fragile situation because she’s very happy with her boyfriend and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could possibly put a strain on their relationship but on the other hand I’m suffering.

Should I speak up about it?  I don’t want to put her in a situation that would make her feel the need to choose and I understand her want for a good relationship with the sister.  Nobody wants their significant other’s family to hate them.  I just can’t take the half-hearted friendship anymore.  Should I bring it up or find someone else to take her spot?

Signed,

True Friend

The Wrong Love

Dear WISY,
There is something I've been hiding and it's eating me up inside.  I am in love with someone who I shouldn't be in love with.  For years I've been withholding my true feelings about this man and it gets harder and harder each time I see him and hear his voice.  He is everything I've ever wanted.  He's what I dream about at night and what I wish for.  He is perfect but I shouldn't love him because he is my roommate's man and she herself is madly in love with him.  

I can't help how I feel.  I am not one to cause trouble and I respect people's relationships.  I am involved with a man who has the same name of the one I really love and when we have sex I yell his name at the top of my lungs and close my eyes and hope that maybe when I open them the right K***** will be there.  

I know this may come off as if I'm a deceitful person, but really I am just in love.  Is anything wrong with that?  Do you believe in destiny?  Should I wait it out until my true love falls into my arms?

Signed,

The Wrong Love

I Love Married Men

Dear WISY,

I want to know if there are any women out there that prefer a man who is already with somebody else. Personally, I prefer a married man because I don't want anybody controlling me too much and when he is not by me I know he has to be home with his wife.  

People say what I do is wrong but this is what I feel comfortable with.  I have just enough freedom and just enough commitment and I am not the type to cause problems with the wife.  If she were to ever ask me about our affair I would deny it.  Am I wrong? 

Signed,

I Love Married Men

Wrongfully Accused

Dear WISY,

This is not entertainment related but I am sending my letter to you anyway.  I have been depressed for the past 3 weeks because my best friend is not talking to me anymore.  It really pains my heart every day because I can’t call her to talk and when I see her I have to hold my head straight because she has threatened to beat me up.  You are probably wondering what I could have done to make her behave this way towards me.  The answer is nothing.  I haven’t done anything to her but she thinks I am a liar and a whore and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.  I need your help to prove her wrong and hopefully get my best friend back.

She thinks I slept with her boyfriend and that is something I would never ever do.  I am the one who hooked them up together.  Before they were a couple, her boyfriend and I hung out a lot because he is the son of my mother’s best friend so he is actually more like a brother and I don’t look at him as a romantic interest. 

He made up a lie and told her that I came on to him and we ended up having sex and went on to give her all kinds of details about me and my body.  But these are things he knows and have seen throughout the years of us growing up together. 

The only reason why I think he would do this is because I overheard his mother telling my mother about another girl he was seeing and I asked him about it.  He got angry and told me to shut up about it or he would make sure my best friend never spoke to me again.

Of course, I didn’t follow his command and I told my friend about the other girl.  She asked him about it and he told her the other girl was me.  He said I was telling her it’s another girl because I want him for myself. 

All of this makes me sick to my stomach.  I can’t believe she would just believe him after all these years of friendship.  I have never betrayed her before and I can’t believe she takes his word over mine.  We don’t even have the same taste in men!

Please help me out.  I really miss my best friend.  :’(

Signed,

Wrongfully Accused