He Told Me Everything!

Dear WISY,

I need to get the opinion of you and your readers.  I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six months.  His best friend really likes me.  I don't believe he likes me in a fresh way, he likes me as a person.  He likes me so much that he has been telling me everything about my boyfriend.  I've heard about everything from the time they were children up until now.  

Sometimes when he calls me to talk I feel weird because my boyfriend would not like it if he knew.  I don't think my boyfriend wants me to know about the embarrassing times of his past and his deepest secrets, but his best friend keeps telling me every little detail.  I know I could stop him but the conversation is so juicy.  If we were to ever break up, I would have so much on him!  But I know it's not right, so how do I tell the best friend to zip it without ruffling his feathers?

Signed,
Informed

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Informed,

It's wonderful that you have formed such a great relationship with your boyfriend's best friend, but remember that's your man's best friend, not yours.  This secret relationship you've formed with the best friend may seem innocent but it's wrong, and you know that.  

So, how do you stop it?  Just tell him.  Why should you care so much about ruffling his feathers?  It's not him you should be concerned about.  You should be concerned about what your boyfriend will think if he discovers that all of his information has been carelessly revealed to you.  

It sounds like that best friend is a chatterbox.  You should also be careful about what you say because if he considers your man his best friend and still gossips with you about him, he'll turn right around and gossip about you.  He obviously doesn't have a loyal bone in his body.

Tell the informant that you don't care to hear about your boyfriend's secrets anymore.  That's it.  And if you really want to clear your conscience, tell your man that you know a little too much about him.  Maybe you'll have some damage to repair or maybe he won't care, but you should tell him.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Payback is a B1tch!

Dear WISY,

I'm writing because I need advice about a situation that just happened. I went on a trip with my boyfriend and his female friend. It was supposed to be a romantic weekend for us but he invited his friend because she was going through some problems in her own relationship.  At first I was upset but I got over it and I let her come. 

That was a big mistake.  This girl took over the trip like she was the one who planned it.  She forced my man to do water sports and my man can't swim!  She told him she would not let anything happen to him and he agreed to go out on the bounce boat. Guess where I was...on the shore, holding their bags and watching on like a third wheel. 

After that she insisted that we go out to eat at this expensive restaurant, and she didn't pay for her meal - my man did.  After dinner she stayed in our room until really late at night because she was missing her man and lonely.  I was so pissed at her and my man for not recognizing that they are spoiling this trip for me.

When she finally left I got into it with my man.  I told him she hijacked the trip and I was pissed that he allowed it.  He told me that that's his friend from childhood and he wouldn't want her to suffer.  He obviously didn't care that I was unhappy so I made a plan to carry out when we got back home.  

When we landed she thanked us for allowing her to come along, and I almost felt bad for her. But I couldn't wait to give her a taste of her own medicine.  I called her man up and told him I wanted to finally take him up on his offer.  They don't know but her man has always tried to get these panties.  He's a hoe and that's why shes going through her mess.  Long story short, I met up with him the next night and took my frustrations out on his amazingly satisfying d! ck! Yes, I did and I don't feel bad about it.  I actually feel better about her stealing my d!ck down time.  Now we're even. 

My only issue is the continuation of it.  I really enjoyed myself and he's asking for more so I know my goodies were sweet to him too.  I don't want to cheat so I need help forgetting about what happened.  How do I block something so good out of my memory?? This is a serious question.

Signed,
Payback

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Payback,

What kind of logic is this?  You're even??  Did she sleep with your man??  I can definitely understand your frustration with home girl coming along and ruining your trip, but I can't understand how sleeping with her man makes things right.  On top of that, you slept with a man you call a "hoe".  I just don't understand your reasoning.

The fact that you would cheat on your man tells me that your relationship problems pre-date the trip.  A one-time issue like this doesn't send the average person running for another man's bed.  Get what I'm saying?  You are experiencing deeper issues and it doesn't seem like your being completely honest about that.

Anyway, moving on.  You've found pleasure in your plot for revenge and now you're concerned about the temptation to continue.  On one hand, I'm glad you recognize that your infidelity should not occur again, but on the other hand, you and the guy you cheated with may be perfect for each other - you know, with the cheating and deceit - perfect match! But I digress, um, I suggest you talk to your man again about the trip.  Tell him how hurt you were about him choosing his friend over you on a trip that was meant to be an intimate weekend rendezvous.  Schedule a do-over and be adamant about the need for the two of you to connect.  After that, call the "hoe" and tell him to make amends with his girlfriend, and leave you alone.

Next time, don't discard your feelings.  If you didn't want her on the trip, you should've  refused to accommodate her from the beginning.   

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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I Need More

Dear WISY,

I don't want you to think I'm a greedy person, but the way I'm going to describe this may come off that way.

I've been married for eight years. I have three children and my husband has performed well enough at his job that I don't have to work anymore.  I've been at home now for six months, and it's been okay but I need more.

I feel more stressed at home than I did when I was working.  I'm expected to look sexy, clean, cook, and be joyful all the time.  Another thing is my husband; I love him but I need more from him too. I want to do so much more (sexually) with him but he gives me the bare minimum.

I need more but I don't want to sound ungrateful. What can I do?

Signed,
Bored Housewife

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WISY's Response:

Dear Bored,

Get a hobby, join a club, and get out when you can in order to break the monotony.  

Have you communicated with your husband about your need for more than the bare minimum? Maybe you can plan a little getaway or buy something exciting to wear that will give him the extra "umph" to take it up a notch.  However, be reasonable, your husband probably works very hard in order to give you the luxury of not working.

It's okay to communicate your needs.  It's also okay to find activities which will fulfill you outside of the home.  I'm positive that finding your niche will alleviate your stress and diminish your boredom.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

She's on Something!

Dear WISY,

I need your advice. Please don't post my name.

I have been friends with my best friend since middle school. We've been through it all together. We've fought, made up, fought other people together, slept with the same guys, everything we do, we do together. Yes, we're that close! No judgment please!

But the problem I'm having now is that I think she's smoking something more harsh than weed. We've been smoking weed since freshman year of high school, so I know that all weed does is make you mellow out. The other night, my bestie was hitting a joint with this dude and the next thing I knew, she's acting strange. She was acting like she was going through some possession shit.  Last night she came over to my house so high that she couldn't stand up.  That is not weed.

I tried to ask her what she was on but she's denying anything but weed. I really think my friend needs help. She is going through a lot right now so she might just be trying to deal but I don't want her getting hurt.

Do you think she's on drugs based off of what I told you?

Signed,
Too High

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WISY's Response:

Dear Too High,

It does sound like she's been interfering with hard drugs.  There are several new drugs that have been introduced to the public, and there a couple that cause possessed-like behavior.  It could also be prescription drugs.  Do your research to match her symptoms to the correct drug.  

I suggest you tell her that you know she's using substances other than weed.  Express your concern with love.  It's important that you do not come across as condescending or she may shut you out of her life in order to achieve her highs in peace.  You two are awfully close, so hopefully she will open up to you, and you can help her seek a program that can address her turmoil and help ween her off of hard drugs.  Even if you think she is using hard drugs to help her cope with issues she's experiencing now, you should still try your hardest to help her.  Temporary fixes often result in long term addiction. 

I hope she will recognize that you are a genuine friend who only wants the best for her.  

A note for you:  Keep in mind that sobriety may cause her to refrain from engaging in behaviors which will lead her back to hard drugs. So, you may have to roll up in solitude when all is said and done.

Best of luck to you and your friend!

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY

Why Won't He Go Out With Me?

Dear WISY,

I met this guy at a party.  He was the best looking guy at the party and exactly my type.  He was dressed well, beautiful smile, chiseled jaw line - perfect!  We hit it off that night and exchanged numbers.  We've been talking on the phone for a month now, but he hasn't made an attempt to see me.  I asked him if he wanted to go out, but he keeps saying he's busy.

What do you think is going on?  I'm not used to guys making excuses not to see me.

Signed,
What's Going On?

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WISY's Response:

Dear WGO,

It sounds like this guy is truly busy or just doesn't think you're worth his time.  Maybe try to ask a few questions for clarity.  You can ask him what he's busy with or you could take the more direct approach and ask him why he keeps making excuses.

If he can't give you a legitimate reason then he's probably not interested and hasn't figured out how to tell you yet.  He may also be shy or have anxiety when it comes to face to face personal interaction.  Figure it out and proceed accordingly.  

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

You Won't Believe What He Did To Us

Dear WISY,  

I am so hurt by my mother and family.  I'm wondering if they really love me.  When I was a teen my mother started dating this guy who seemed so nice in the beginning, then he started to treat my mother bad. They used to argue a lot and it would wake me up at night.  One time they argued and my mother left me and my older sister in the house so she could calm down.  My sister was sleeping in her room and I was in my room trying to sleep but I heard everything and was awake. 

My mom's man came into my room and started to touch me up. I pushed him off of me but he kept feeling me up.  I was scared he was going to rape me because he was getting aggressive. I screamed and that is when he finally left.  I couldn't sleep that night.  The next morning I told my sister what happened. She told me that he tried the same thing with her and that she was afraid to tell mummy because the guy said he would hire someone to burn down our house if he was ever arrested for what he did.  She told me that he actually had sex with her and she wasn't a virgin and didn't want mummy to know that either. I told her I would keep her secret. We lived with this rapist and suffered silently. 

He would always have sex with my sister but another time he attempted to get me again.  This time my mother was at home. I screamed as soon as he came in.  My mother came to my room and saw him standing by my bed.  She asked what was going on so I told her.  He denied it and she believed him.  She went as far as to punish me.  

I decided to leave and go find my father who was a drug addict.  I would rather live on the streets with him then to be in that house.  Thank God I didn't have to.  I found my dad and he told me to stay with him. I did.  Don't worry, I was much safer in my father's house than my mother's.  I helped to get him back on his feet and I continued to go to school and graduate.  Then I went to college and graduated too.  Now I have an apartment of my own and I have a good job. 

I didn't see my mother for years.  My mother never came to my graduations and she never inquired about my well being.  I was forgotten for the sake of a man.  My sister is upset with me for leaving her.  I do feel guilty about that but she knew where I was so she could have come with me.

I got the guts to reach out to my mother recently and I told her about her boyfriend and what he was up to.  She blamed me for being provocative towards him.  She told me men are animals and cannot help themselves.  She said I should get over it because he never had sex with me.  Then I asked her if she knew he had sex with my sister.  She said I was making it up because I thought she would leave her man after what I told her about me but because she didn't react how I wanted, I was now trying to include another lie about my sister.  I realize now that my mother is a sick woman.  

I called my sister and told her.  She said I should not have done that and it was her story to tell.  She told me now the house is going to get burned down.  She is even more angry at me now.

I don't know what to do about my family.  I am so hurt by everything.  What can I do?  I really want to help my sister.

Signed,
Unforgiven

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Unforgiven,

This was extremely tough for me to read.  Kudos to you for sharing your story on a public platform.  The more we share, the more we can help heal those who may be suffering in silence. 💙

It may not seem like it, but yours is a happy ending.  You possessed the strength to move yourself out of an unhealthy living environment as a teenager, you sought refuge in your father who was a drug addict but you continued your education and went on to pursue higher education, AND you helped your father to kick his habit!  You are a phenomenal young woman, and I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you.  I hope you realize the power you possess.

As far as your mother is concerned, I'd like to give her a few choice words which would cause her to feel the pain felt by you (and your sister), but instead I'll tell you what a close friend of mine told me when I was having trouble understanding why my family was not reacting to a situation the way I thought they should:

"It's not that they don't care, but some people are unable to deal with the hurt your truth will cause them.  They are not strong enough to get down to the nitty gritty and sort through all the emotional turmoil until peace and healing surface.  They just can't, and you should stop trying to force them.  I know it's difficult to walk away, but you will continue to reopen the wound each time you attempt to get them to "care".  Where does that leave you?" 

However, this doesn't mean you should become mum to the situation.  Speak your truth, just don't expect people to always be receptive of it.  Carry on your road to healing.  The best thing you can do is talk it out, cry, scream, let go of all the negative emotions.  You will feel lighter and FREE!  Also, you may want to seek a professional to hold your hand on the emotional roller coaster.  You'll need someone to guide you across each hurdle.

Now on to your sister.  You'll have to assume the role of older sister in this situation.  She is understandably still fearful of your mother's man, and still believes that empty threat about arson.  She's going to need an enormous amount of support to break herself free from that man's grip.  Be gentle with her; apologize for telling "her story" before she was ready.  Explain that your motive was to stop the abuse against her, and see her happy.  If you're comfortable, invite her to stay with you in your apartment, and convince her to report your mother's boyfriend to the police.  The statute of limitations may have run out on child sex abuse, but she can most certainly charge him with rape since he's still forcibly having sex with her.  

See if you can get another trusted family member involved who will be an additional pillar of support for you against your mother and her man.   BUT if you find that this all becomes too much for you or you are unable to sway your sister, refer to the italics above. 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I wish you all the best.  Don't hesitate to reach out for additional assistance, if needed. 💙

Walk good,
#TeamWISY
#RIPSpyda 💚

p.s. What about your father?  What's his take on all of this???