Trading Places

Dear WISY,

First, I want to say that my friends and I love ‘Dear WISY’ and we like your advice so they convinced me to write to you.  I want to remain anonymous. 

I’m having a problem.  I had a boyfriend but I left him.  I left because he was always talking with other females and was too friendly with them.  I told him that I didn’t like it and he told me to stop behaving as if I’m one of those insecure girls.   When he said this to me, I thought to myself that I may be turning into that type of woman and I really despise that type of woman so I decided to not make any mention of it again.  Even when he was on the phone talking to a girl, I didn’t say a word to him.

I have a guy friend who I confide in a lot.  In the past, we were secretly messing around but I was not allowed to date at the time.  He moved on with someone and had a baby and her family kind of forced them to marry.  He is married but not happy and we still talk when we need to vent. So, I had been telling him about my boyfriend and he kept telling me to leave him but I wasn’t sure if he just wanted me to be single so he could have a chance or if he was sincere.  This same guy told me that my boyfriend had a side chick and he told me that the girl is trying to get my contact information so she can tell me herself.  I told him to give it to her because I need to know.

She called me and told me that my boyfriend had been with her for a few months and he keeps telling her he’s going to leave me but he hasn’t yet and she’s tired of waiting on him.  I told her I don’t believe but I was using my head so she could give me evidence.  She sent me pics and screenshots of their conversations and times they had together.  I couldn’t believe I was seeing my boyfriend’s naked body with someone other than myself.  I told her to take him because I am tired of him and his friendliness with every woman.

I sent my boyfriend the info and told him to not come back to me begging.  I only said it because I wanted him to try his very hardest to get me back but I didn’t hear anything from him.  I was really worried that he was missing.  Can you believe that he would not say one word to me and go be with the girl?  He never loved me it seems.

Now my friend who told me all the information started asking me if he could come over and comfort me.  I didn’t tell him I need comfort but he knows me so well.  I told him to come and we ended up spending the whole night together.  I was worried his wife was going to be angry but she never called and he took his time getting dressed and leaving in the morning.  He told me he was coming back the same night and he has been in my apartment every night since then.  I was wondering about the wife but there was never a problem.

Last night he confessed to me that he found out that his wife was seeing my boyfriend and he decided to make it work in his favor.  He told me I’m his true love and his wife knows so she wanted to hurt me by sleeping with my boyfriend.  He told me he made her call me so that I could leave and she could have my boyfriend and he could have me.  My head is spinning from all of this nonsense.

I do love my friend but I do not know if I can trust him after his master manipulation.  What do you think?

Please post.

Signed,

Confused

WISY’s Response:

Dear Confused,

I’m glad to hear that you enjoy my posts and I want to thank you for considering me a good source to help you through your issue. 😀

I was very surprised by the revelation at the end!  I wasn’t expecting that at all.

Okay, I’ll start with the positive first.  Your friend turned lover has shown that he is willing to make a strong effort to win your affection.  He has also shown that he is available to you when you need emotional support.  Also, his willingness to “man up” and own his responsibilities when he married the girl he got pregnant is commendable in the eyes of society.  Considering all these things, he seems to be great boyfriend material BUT his actions can’t be ignored.

The way in which he went about getting you in his arms is cause for some concern.  He could’ve just came out and told you instead of making a circus production out of the whole thing.  It was the truth, after all.  It makes me wonder what other issues he will turn into unnecessary drama when he could've just told the simple truth.

My lingering questions are:  Is he going to legally separate from and then divorce his wife?  Have you had a conversation about how all of you will co-parent?  There are some very important issues that need to be ironed out.  I don’t want the child’s needs to get lost in all of this.  Sort everything out so you can be free to live happily ever after.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I'm Ready to Tell My Secret!

Dear WISY,

I have a confession that I have been in love with my best friend but she is not just my bestie, she is actually my lover.  This has been burdening my spirit for ten years now.  It started when I was in high school and the situation helped me at a time when I felt alone.  She encouraged me to get through high school without feeling depressed and we went to the same college where we began to live together and things really got serious there.  I want to marry her.

Now, I’m independent and hold my own job, pay my own bills and I think it’s time to confess but I am still afraid and don’t know how to do this.  Please help me.  I will give you some more of my family background so you know the type of people I am dealing with.

My father is pastor and my mother agrees with everything he says.  My siblings all have prestigious professions or have settled down and started a family.  Now, that I’m out of school, they’re all looking at me wondering why I haven’t brought a man home yet.  They don’t know how many times, the person I want to start a life with has eaten at our dinner table and spent the night in our house giving me the love I need to get through my days.

I also owe it to her to be open about us.  Her family already knows and has accepted us.  I just need to get mine on board.

Signed,

Ready to Tell

Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, & Their Families

Cleaning Out My Closet: A Real-Life Guide To Coming Out To Family And Friends

Dear RTT,

Find the courage and strength you need from your own words.  Focus on the words that will empower you in this situation.  What you’ve described is a story of overcoming emotional strife, fueled by encouragement and love in order to succeed and lead an independent life where you can feel free to be your true self with the one you truly love.

You’ve already overcome so much.  I believe you have it in you to do this.  Think of it as your last task until complete freedom.  Think of how this “has been burdening your spirit” and the relief you’ll feel when you finally let go of it.  I don’t have the perfect answer for telling your family but I know it's necessary to do it and like folks say, "there's no time like the present".

If your family happens to turn their back on you (which I doubt they all will), you still have your major support system by your side.  In time, I believe it will be well with all of you.  It's important in life to live your truth unapologetically.  Start now.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I'm too Embarrassed to Talk About it

Dear WISY,

I'm writing with an embarrassing issue because I’m not comfortable talking about it with anyone close to me.  I would like to know if I’m alone in this nightmare or if other women experience the same issue.  I know it happens but it seems it hasn’t happened to anyone I know so I’m really embarrassed to talk about it.

I had children early in my life (my first was at 17 and my last was at 22) and I noticed with each child that, my husband who used to hurt me during intercourse, was no longer an issue.  I also began having urine leakage at the worst times.  I have since trained myself to be cautious with my laughter but I cannot control what happens when I sneeze or cough.  I have resorted to wearing depends pads at only 28. 

I don’t feel young or sexy anymore, I don’t want to go out and my husband is not happy with me, I can tell.  I don’t know what to do, I’ve done research and there really isn’t a cure for this.  Please help me manage this.  I hope someone who has experienced this will speak up and say what they have done to control it.  Please, no insults.

Signed,

Leaky

C Section Recovery, Post Pregnancy, Belly Wrap, Postpartum Girdle, Abdominal binder by Wink

Conquering Postpartum Depression: A Proven Plan For Recovery

Dear Leaky,

Your condition is very common and the reason you probably hear so little about it is the same reason you haven’t felt comfortable speaking about it with anyone close – it’s embarrassing.  Your conditions are amongst a list of pregnancy side effects that women rarely speak on and it’s unfortunate that experiencing these conditions can bring about such judgment and stigma.  When we think of all that our bodies go through to bring life into this world, it’s a ludicrous thought that our bodies can remain as they were.  I wish women would be more responsible with their comments toward another woman who may have suffered more than they did. 

I’ve done a little research and the common thread in all the articles is kegels.  This exercise will help to strengthen your pelvic and uterine walls.  If you aren’t aware, kegel exercise is when you squeeze the muscles you use to stop urination and hold it for a few seconds then release for a few seconds.  Repeat this throughout your days until you are able to hold it for long periods of time without the muscle relaxing on its own.  The best thing is, you can do this exercise without anyone knowing – I’m doing it right now!  I’ll also place some products in this post which you can purchase to help.

I’ve also heard of vaginal rejuvenation which has several treatment options.  They range from laser treatment to plastic surgery and of course will have a recovery time and insurance coverage varies by severity and company regulations.  You’ll have to visit your doctor for proper medical diagnosis and recommended treatment.

I just want you to know that there is nothing to be ashamed of.  All mothers have experienced some sort of insecurity after childbirth.  If we spoke more honestly to each other about it, we could eliminate the silent suffering and people like yourself could regain your self esteem sooner.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY  

Silver Balls Silver - Kegel Excerciser

Pink Premium Kegel Weights Exercise Kit for Women by TOTI - Hygienic & Medically Approved for Bladder Control and Pelvic Floor Exercices - High Quality Silicone - E-Book Available

He Wants me to Ditch my Friends

Dear WISY, 

I need help understanding why my man won't allow me to have male friends.  He told me that I will be perceived as a Jezebel and that's not the reputation he wants for me.  The problem is my close friends are guys.  I am a tomboy and I have always been this way.  People thought I was gay because I hung around so many guys but they are honestly just friends. 

I have a boyfriend now that has accepted me for being boyish but won't allow me to see my friends anymore.  He also says now that they know I'm in a relationship with a man, hey may think they have a chance with me.  These are my friends and I know them well; they would not do that.  

I don't know what to do now.  I love my man but I miss my friends.  Do you think there is a way I could present the innocence of having male friends to him that he will understand? 

Thank you.  Please post to Dear WISY.

Signed,
Unhappy

   Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship

WISY’s Response:

Dear Unhappy,

I can understand why your man would be leery of your friends of the opposite sex.  Your situation is uncommon and not everyone can handle another man being your close friend BUT the thing that immediately grabbed my attention in your letter was your choice of words.  You say he won’t “allow” you.  Are you a child?  The red flags are waving wildly in my face and I can’t ignore them.  Neither should you.  Professing concern for your reputation is commendable if coming from a genuine place but this could be a tactic he is using to manipulate you. 

It sounds to me like your man is seriously insecure and his attempt to isolate you from your friends is a sign of inner turmoil.  Once he has accomplished separating you from your friends what will come next…your family, your hobbies?  Will he tell you that you need to become more feminine?  It’s never a good idea to get involved with someone who wants to change such a significant part of who you are, especially when it’s an aspect which is harmless and brings you joy. 

To answer your question, I don’t think there is another route to convince him other than expressing how valuable your friends are to you.  As your man, he should want to take an interest in all that matters to you.  Invite him to hang out with your friends and see how he reacts.  If he doesn’t jump on the opportunity to get a first-hand look at the relationship between you and your friends then that means he really doesn’t care about what he claims.  

It’s important to keep friendships.  Becoming exclusive in a romantic relationship should not eliminate your platonic ones.  It just isn’t healthy.  Of course, your time with your friends will decrease and there are certain boundaries which will need to be respected because you are trying to build something significant with your new partner but omitting your close friends from your life is extreme and in my opinion unnecessary.

I could be completely wrong about all of this and my extreme caution due to current events could be clouding my judgment right now but I just want to make sure your eyes and ears are open to the signs which could be harmful to you.  Don’t settle for anything that isn’t ideal for you.  You shouldn’t “allow” that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Check out these awesome deals from Amazon.

My Friend is a Fraud!

Dear WISY,

I need your advice urgently.  I feel very conflicted about something that is going on around me and I need your opinion.

A friend of mine has a business where she sells organic food dishes and all natural medicine.  She started the business about two years ago and it took off right away.  Since she has opened, a few more business like hers have opened in the area and she doesn't get as many customers as she used to.

She started to worry and said that the cost of her goods were preventing her from making the profit she used to so she switched from all natural ingredients and began using GMO stuff.  She has not told her customers and she is still charging the same prices even though her goods cost way less than they used to.

I told her this was dishonest and she told me to mind my business and not come around her if I don't want to see her dishonesty.  I'm so angry and I'm tempted to expose her but she is my very good friend and that would not be a good thing to do to your friend.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,
All About Honesty

Essential Oils: All-natural remedies and recipes for your mind, body and home

All Natural Dental Remedies: Herbs and Home Remedies to Heal Your Teeth & Naturally Restore Tooth Enamel

WISY's Response:

Dear AAH,

I can understand why you're conflicted but I would advise you to not make this your problem to expose.  As her friend, you should definitely try to convince her to stop misleading her customers or suggest that she cut her costs by offering a select few, all natural dishes and use the less expensive GMO goods for the rest of her menu.  

Tap into her conscience and pull out her morality and integrity.  Hopefully, she'll get the picture soon and won't have to experience the ultimate consequence of losing all business when people who are used to eating healthy food notice the difference.


Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Check out these awesome deals from Amazon!

Six Years and no Big "O"!

Dear WISY,

I have a confession.  I have never had an orgasm from a man; I have only had them from toys.  I have been with my man now for 6 years and we are getting married soon but I always fake my orgasms with him. 

I am not sure I want to marry him because he does not know how to satisfy me and I don't think I should settle.  He wants to take my body and make a baby and all that and I don't get satisfaction.  It's not fair.

Am I supposed to tell him about his sex or is it something I should live with?  I have never complained to him because I do not want him to feel disrespected.  Am I the only one who has this issue? 

Signed, 
Faker

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Sex Guide For Men: Orgasm Manual - Shoot Her To The Moon And Back

WISY's Advice:

Dear Faker,

Six years and never satisfied?  Not even once? 😳  

I don't understand how expressing your needs could come off as disrespect.  I could understand if you said you want to avoid hurting his feelings but this is far from disrespect.  Please let me know if I'm overlooking any cultural traditions which deem this as disrespect.

It absolutely IS NOT something you should live with.  First, you need to learn your body and what positions will bring your sexual arousal to its peak.  Next, you need to educate your man about your body.  You need to show him where your trigger areas are, when to touch them and how to touch them.  Once you begin to explore this, you will surely have a better chance at reaching climax and hopefully, each time thereafter will be better than the last.

Get started working on it now and be mindful that patience on both of your parts will serve you well.  By the time your honeymoon comes around, you'll be a happy camper.

Here's something that may help you:  

Kama Sutra For Beginners: Discover The Best Essential Kama Sutra Love Making Techniques !

Walk good,
#TeamWISY   

Check out these awesome deals from Amazon!

To Swing or not to Swing?

This post contains adult content. 18+ only.

Dear WISY,

I have a question and I don't know any of my friends who would be open to this so I'm asking you and your readers.

My man asked me to join a swinger's club so that we can keep things exciting between us.  He told me that he'd rather do this than cheat on me and I appreciate that but I really don't want to join a club and see him have sex with another woman.  I love him deeply and I don't want any other woman having him.  I am also uncomfortable letting him see any other man with me.  I don't think that a committed couple should ever sway from each other.  

I am partly to blame for this because in the beginning of our relationship, he told me he was into this and I told him I was down for it too but I lied because I didn't want him to lose interest.

I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place because I know he's getting bored with our sex life and may cheat if I tell him I don't want to join the club.  Do you think I should try it once and see how it goes?  What if I don't like it and he loves it?  

Signed,
Not Really Down

Upscale sex dice game for adults packaged beautifully to make the perfect couples' gift! Color - Black

ALLureLove Sexy Lingerie Open Crotch Leotard Teddy Nightwear Lace Miniskirt Babydoll (X-Large, Black)

WISY's Response:

Dear NRD,

GIRL! If you felt like you had to lie about your freak levels to get a guy interested then you should've known from the start that he wasn't the one for you. 

You have to tell him how you feel and confess what you just confessed to me.  Hopefully, his love and commitment to you will keep him from desiring a variety of culo.  If not, then I think you've learned a valuable lesson here.

If you are swayed to enter the playground and try the swings, make sure you have an in depth conversation with him first and express your insecurities.  Be clear as to what you will and won't do.  No more telling him what you think he wants to hear.

I don't know how far you've gone in the bedroom but if you haven't done so already, a little role play can give the illusion of someone different.  If you're willing to fully commit and stay in character, I think this could be a successful option for you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

#TalkToMeTuesday: Jealousy & Domestic Violence

Let's talk JEALOUSY and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Question:  What factors do you think contribute to a person becoming abusive?

The number of individuals involved in abusive relationships is alarming. Obviously, there are many undiagnosed, mentally ill people mingling amongst us, wearing the masks of sanity.

Also, we have a tendency to equate jealousy with love.  We must learn to decifer the difference between a genuine fear of losing a loved one and intentionally alienating someone from their normal routines.

After watching, I am inspired by this woman's strength and I hope her words resonate in all who hear her message.

If anyone can find the link to donate to her medical treatment, please post it in the comments section.

If video fails to play, click here.

My Daughter is out of Control!

Dear WISY,

Please post.

I'm having an issue with my daughter.  She's 15 and she's out of control.  As a little girl she was very sweet and obedient but ever since she's gone to high school, she has become a rebellious teen and I don't know what to do with her anymore.

I've received numerous calls from the school about her bad behavior and blatant disrespect for the teachers and principal.  I've even gotten a call from a young lady's mother who complained about my daughter bullying her at school.  I've spoken to her and punished her but nothing seems to be working.  It's like the more I punish her, the more disobedient she becomes.  She shouts at me, calls me stupid and continues to do as she pleases.  I've tried to lash her but she fights back.

I've heard that she's sneaking around with boys and even grown men, getting drunk, smoking marijuana and having sex.  She's only 15 and I don't want her to ruin her life with these distractions.  I've asked her about it but she denies everything.  

For her entire life, I have bent over backwards to make sure my daughter is happy.  She is my only child and I love her more than I love myself.  She has always had the best of everything and instead of appreciating that, she has become an ungrateful brat!  I never entertained a man because I was so caught up with my daughter and her desires.

I'm thinking I should send her to go live with her father but they have never had a close relationship so I'm not sure.  He is also upset about the things he is hearing and wants to step in and help.  Should I send her?

Please send your suggestions, I can't stand to see my daughter like this anymore.  It's tearing me up inside.

Signed,

Desperate Mom

Advanced Parenting Techniques of Rebellious Teens: The ultimate guide to parenting difficult teens from hell!

No More Drama: How to Make Peace with Your Defiant Kid

WISY's Response:

Dear Desperate Mom,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this with your daughter.  It's not uncommon for teenage girls to rebel but this, like you said, is out of control.

From where I stand, it seems your daughter is crying out for attention or has some inner turmoil which she is having difficulty expressing.  It's especially difficult to get to the bottom of it when teenage hormones are running wild but it's important that you do not waver and remain a pillar of strength and support for her.  If punishing her hasn't gotten her to give up her wayward ways then it's time for an alternative route.  

My gut is telling me that your daughter may be acting out because of her father's absence in her life.  If true, her relationships with grown men is an indication of that.  She's trying to fill the void her father neglected to fill.  Sleeping with numerous boys is also a coping mechanism; she is seeking validation from males since her father failed to impart her value throughout her upbringing.  The alcohol and marijuana are modes of escape from her pain.

I know it is frowned upon for a child to be disobedient and society will be quick to tell us that punishment and discipline are the remedy for all "bad" children but continually hurting a child who is already suffering internally only deepens the wound.  Please stop.

Before I say this, I want you to know that I'm not judging you; I'm the child of a single mother and I understand the struggles.  With that said, you did your child a disservice by "bending over backwards to make her happy".  I'm sure your intentions were golden when you provided her with everything she wanted but you failed to provide her with what she needed.  In all your efforts to make her happy, you neglected your own love life.  As a result, there was no positive male role model for your daughter nor was there a healthy relationship for her to emulate.  In addition, you taught her that she could have everything she wants and now she is struggling to accept that she cannot. 

People often say that a boy needs to have his father in his life in order to learn how to be a man.  I believe we have forgotten how important it is for a girl to have her father as well.  There are so many of us who do not know how to have a relationship with a man because our father never set an example.  We don't know what is acceptable and respectable and as a result, there is a large percentage of broken little girls inside women's bodies, walking around with a chip on our shoulders.

At this point, her father needs to ease his way into her life.  Let him know that he shouldn't approach with a bunch of criticism and rules.  His role in all of this is critical and he needs to understand that.  He needs to gain her trust above all else and then instill the values she lacks.  Maybe she can spend her weekends with her father as a starting point.  Encourage him to stop by and see her on a daily basis so that she knows her father is concerned with what she's doing.

I really hope this helps.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I Discovered his Second Phone

Dear WISY,

I need advice about my relationship.  My man and I have been together for a little over a year.  We met at a mutual friend's house on Thanksgiving and started dating about 2 months later.  At first, I was hesitant about getting involved with him because my friend told me he's a player but he convinced me that he had changed his ways.  I didn't have any complaints until about 6 months into the relationship.  I noticed he stopped spending as much time with me and he wasn't making love to me like he used to but I brushed it off as him getting comfortable.

Anyway, I guess I had accepted that my relationship was what it was and I stopped complaining about it because every time I did, we would argue and he would leave and that would mean even less time and sex.

Last week he came over on Sunday as usual with his clothes for me to wash and iron for the week and to eat Sunday dinner with me and my kids.  As soon as he was done eating, he went into the bedroom and passed out.  While I was ironing his clothes, I noticed a black phone hanging out of his pocket.  I was confused because his phone is silver.  I tip toed over to him and gently pulled the phone out of his pocket, turned it on and to my surprise it was unlocked.  I went into his messages and didn't see anything so I went into his email and I saw messages from some girl.  He was telling her he loved her and that he enjoyed seeing her and all kinds of things.

I lost it and woke his ass up!  I asked him who she was and why he was playing me.  He told me to chill and told me it wasn't his phone and he was just holding it for his co-worker who forgot it at work.  I asked if he thought I was stupid because his co-worker and him don't share an email address.  This fool told me that his co-worker uses his email because he's not tech savvy enough to use one for himself.  Then I asked him if him and his co-worker share the same name.  He finally ran out of lies and flipped it on me and said I shouldn't have gone through his phone.  He told me he didn't trust me, that's why he had to have someone else and he was glad I proved myself.  He took his clothes and left the house.  I haven't spoken to him since.

I really miss him and I'm feeling guilty for going through his phone.  Do you think I should apologize and ask him to come back?  I've already forgiven him for cheating on me.  I feel like our bond is strong enough to overcome this.  Please tell me what you think.

Signed,
Phone Snooper

Real Time Spy Surveillance GPS Tracking Device Discover Cheaters

Getting Over You - Words of Wisdom: Moving On (Quotes, poems and advice for a broken heart)

WISY's Response:

Dear Phone Snooper,

Okay, so going through his "second" phone was wrong but I can't say that I wouldn't do the same if placed in your situation.  Your instincts directed you to do so and thank goodness you listened!

Your friend tried to tell you that this man was a player and you didn't listen, your man changed six months into the relationship and you brushed it off.  Now, you have discovered that he has another relationship and you want to apologize and reconnect?  What's with the self inflicted pain?  Aren't the red flags and evidence enough for you to see that this is not someone you should share an intimate relationship with?

I think you'd be selling yourself short if you ask him to come back.  By taking him back, you're telling him that no matter what he does, you will always forgive him.  His behavior will never change and you will continue to hurt and be disrespected.  Remember, he would rather blame you for his actions than to admit his wrongdoings and apologize.  You don't need that type of person in your life.  I know you miss him and I know it's difficult to walk away from someone you love but you need to realize that you've been involved in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship.  

Not to worry, your love story won't end here.  Give yourself some time, heal yourself, learn to love and value yourself and then you can begin to consider dating again.  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY