Help! I'm an Alcoholic

Dear WISY,

I think I have a serious problem.  I'm ashamed and I know I need help, but I can't speak to anyone about it just yet.  I have been drinking too much.  I drink to the point that I don't remember anything.  I have been waking up in random places with random people.  My career is in jeopardy and I think my family and friends are noticing that something is wrong.

I enjoy drinking.  I always tell myself that I'll just have one, but I'm obviously not doing a good job with that.  I go out because I'm single, I live alone, and I get lonely sometimes.  Drinking has made me a lot of friends, but I do not have control over myself.

I really need some advice to help me manage this.

Signed,

Secret Alcoholic

This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life

Alcoholism - When Alcohol Is More Than A Drink

WISY's Advice:

Dear Secret Alcoholic,

I'm so glad you've reached out and have identified that you are struggling with your alcohol consumption.  

First things first, since you have blacked out on numerous occasions with people who you don't know, you should visit your physician and get tested for any possible contracted diseases.  Secondly, I think it would be a good idea to move in with a friend or family member so that you don't have that overwhelming feeling of loneliness that drives you to seek unhealthy companionship.  Last, and most importantly, it's time to lock in some time to see a therapist on a regular basis.

If you have insurance, your policy should cover your therapy costs.  If you don't have insurance or are on a plan that doesn't pay for therapy, you can use free resources provided by your local government.  Please do your research and find the best fit for you.

In the meantime, if you feel the urge to go drinking, call a close friend or family member instead.  Over time, you may feel comfortable enough to share your struggle and receive some much needed emotional support.  Whatever you do, try to break the pattern of loneliness = drinking.  Try loneliness = phone call with a loved one or loneliness = visiting loved ones or loneliness = binge watching your favorite series. Ultimately, loneliness should no longer equal going out to drink.

I wish you the best.  Stay in touch!

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

P.S. Don't confuse friends with acquaintances.  Friends would make sure you wake up safely in your own bed.

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She Just Up and Left Me!

Dear WISY,

I don’t know how to start this so I'm going to go back to the end of my last relationship. My ex wife and I divorced after 12 years of marriage because she was cheating on me. It really bothered me bad so I went about 19 months not seeing any one. I stayed single. I didn’t go out for random hookups or anything. So, after about 19 months I still wasn’t looking but I had someone - by accident really. 

She turned out to be everything I was ever looking for in a woman/relationship. She was absolutely amazing!!! We dated for about 4 months and I had made up my mind that I was ready to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. 

Two days before Christmas she just ups and leaves me with no explanation at all. She won’t return my phone calls or my texts. There's absolutely no communication whatsoever.  I don’t know what to do.  I want her back but I can’t get her to talk with me. Of course she is dealing with some family issues and I was always there by her side supporting her because that’s what you do in relationship. 

Please tell me should I continue trying to get her or should I just let this be another life lesson and move on? 

Signed, 

Confused 

A Man's Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved

The Break Up Manual For Men: How To Recover From A Serious Break Up, Become Stronger and Get Back Into Life

WISY's Advice:

Dear Confused,

A person who just up and leaves a relationship with no explanation was never really invested in the first place.  Something or someone may have come along and grabbed her attention.  This issue or person was probably in the picture before you and she may have been using her relationship with you as a distraction.  Once things improved with the person or situation, she went running back to it.

My best advice to you is to move on.  You don't need someone who displays such instability and immaturity.  Her silence speaks volumes.  It's tough, but in time, you will be alright.  And please, whatever you do, don't blame yourself!  You didn't do anything wrong and there isn't anything wrong with you.  Your love story doesn't end here.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Girls Trip Gone Wrong!

Dear WISY,

Since the summer of 2017, my closest college friends and I have been planning to go on a trip.  It's been years since we've all spent time together so everyone was excited to go.  We paid a deposit on the trip to secure the package and planned to pay in increments until the entire cost was paid in full.  We paid it all in the fall of 2018.  Everything was set.

During the entire course of last year, I helped one of my friends make her payments.  She was going through some tough times and I thought it was unfair to exclude her from the trip.  I quietly paid the majority of her payments with the promise that she would pay me back by March of this year.  

I noticed that she had been getting feisty with me, but I didn't take it to heart because she's having some struggles at the moment.  I know that can make a person snappy.  Her whole attitude towards me changed.  She was insulting me and making fun of my car and house.  I was thinking she is just envious because of her financial struggles.  She always said things to me and then said she was joking so I always let it slide.

Anyway, we went on the trip and I noticed that the same girl I helped was spending large amounts of money.  She upgraded her seat to first class, she got a suite for herself, separate from the rest of us, and she bought expensive jewelry.  I was wondering how she could afford to do that when she couldn't afford to make her installment payments.  So, against my better judgement, I asked her.  She went off on me.  She attacked me and everything that has anything to do with me.  Through it all, she convinced the other girls that I wasn't a good friend.  Everyone attacked me and I cried as a result.  They proceeded to exclude me from all the activities on the trip.  I had the worst time.  

Since being back in the U.S., I haven't seen or spoken to any of them.  Last night I sent a group email to all of them, explaining everything.  I've gotten a few apologies and I have been asked to have a sit down with the whole group to hash it all out.  I'm not sure that I want to do that.  I feel bad about helping the girl and then telling everyone, but I felt that I had to because of how she was acting.

I don't know what to say when the sit down happens.  I don't want to make things worse.  Can you please give me advice as to how I can make the best of the situation?

Signed,

Wrongfully Accused

Big Travel, Small Budget: How to Travel More, Spend Less, and See the World

 In Search of Sisterhood: Delta Sigma Theta and the Challenge of the Black Sorority Movement

WISY's Response:

Dear Wrongfully Accused,

First of all, the first insult would have resulted in a freeze in cash flow in her favor.  She would have been S.O.L. if she insulted me.  I know that her circumstances could be to blame for her behavior, but she's a grown ass woman capable of being civil, especially since you are assisting her.  

Although she agreed to pay you by March of this year, I don't see how a decent person could make such grand purchases in your presence knowing that she owes you money.  It's like a slap in the face.  She doesn't know what inconveniences she could have caused you to help her out.  There's nothing wrong with the finer things, but insulting your personal possessions and disregarding her debt to you tells me that she interprets your kindness as weakness.  She seems to be a master manipulator who has you intertwined in her trap.  I honestly don't think she ever had the intention of repaying you, and something tells me that this isn't the first time something like this has occurred.  She knows you're a good person and is taking advantage of you.

I wouldn't be too concerned about making things worse with this girl.  She doesn't seem like the type of person you should have close to you.  Also, you are not obligated to sit down with the group to talk unless you are looking for public vindication.  I don't know that I'd care after how they all treated you, but it's up to you.  If you have communication between you and the girl about helping her with her payments, you can bring that to light.  You can also talk about the ways she's insulted you.  Just tell the entire truth and move on.  Who is for you will remain, and those who aren't will go.  Such is life.

In the future, be certain to have documentation binding whomever you assist to a legal agreement.  That will save you a whole lot of trouble.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY