My Husband is a Big Baby

Dear WISY,

I'm writing to complain about my husband.  I am considering divorce because he refuses to grow up!  I am tired of cleaning up after him, I am tired of him eating like a pig, I am tired of washing his stained underwear, I'm tired of him passing gas from both ends without saying "excuse me", I'm tired of him trashing the house worse than our children do, and most of all, I'm tired of him being so damn selfish!

My husband and I both work but he refuses to share equal responsibility with our children's activities.  He says I should cover the cost and time because he thinks it's all a waste of time.  Instead, he spends his money on video games and action figures.  I told him it doesn't matter what he thinks, the children enjoy it.   

He is just very immature, and I feel more like his mother than his wife.  What should I do?

Signed,
Fed Up

WISY's Advice:

Dear Fed Up,

I'm going to assume that your husband didn't just wake up one day and decide to be immature.  You met him this way and probably had hopes of him changing for you or you may have both been immature and he has failed to progress his mentality.  In any case, you knew who you were marrying.  I'm not making excuses for him, but people need to stop believing they can change people.  People will change when they feel the need, and he's probably of the mindset that he doesn't need to change.  So, you'll have to help nudge him in the right direction.

I can tell you're at your wit's end since you're considering divorce, and I'm sure you've communicated your grievances with your husband (right?).  The next step would be to seek professional help.  Tell your husband that you want to see a marriage counselor to help diminish the issues you are having.  Maybe that will prompt him to reevaluate his attitude towards his actions within the household and with helping to fund your children's activities.

If a marriage counselor is out of the question then you can turn to a family member or community leader for help.  Perhaps another male's guidance can sway him in the right direction.  He needs to understand that you are partners.  There's no room for such selfish behavior in a healthy marriage.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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My Boyfriend is Too Clingy

Dear WISY,

I’ve never done this before or asked for relationship help, but I need it bad.  My boyfriend wants too much from me.  I give him so much attention, it is honestly draining me and he constantly wants my attention and love and care and it’s draining me.  I’ve given him so much.  I want to tell him to tone it down because all we talk about is lovey dovey stuff and sometimes I just want to have a real conversation and laugh a little. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but he needs to know he’s too clingy.

Signed,
Drained

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Drained,

It sounds like you've got a guy who is head over heels in love with you or he may just be the type who finds his fulfillment in his romantic relationships.  Either way, I can understand how his behavior may become annoying and eventually push you to the point where you feel stifled and no longer want to be in the relationship, so before that happens, you must communicate how you're feeling.

As you stated, it's important not to hurt his feelings.  The best advice I can give is for you to speak with him about his interests outside of the relationship.  Encourage him to pursue some hobbies so that you can have some space from time to time.  It's healthy for couples to have their own interests separate from each other.  There's nothing wrong with showing love and appreciation, but smothering is annoying and unhealthy.  Balance is always key.

If he still can't take a hint then you'll have to just come out and tell him.  Be sure to approach it in a way that won't make him feel that you're pushing him away (if that's not what you want).  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Wants me to Pretend

Dear WISY,

I don't know what to do.  I was digging myself deep into financial debt so I started sleeping with this guy who owns a business so he can help me out.  Since I've been with him for the past two months, he has already helped me lower my outstanding debt.  Everything is fine.  I give him what he wants and he gives me what I want.  We are actually friends with benefits, so we hang out from time to time too.  I don't see anything wrong with that.

My problem is that he wants me to come around his family for the holidays.  I asked him why and he told me that it's a part of the deal.  I have to now pretend that I'm in a relationship with him if I want to continue to get financial help.  I already went to meet his cousin who is a guy, but I really don't want to meet his mother and sisters.  I don't know how to lie to them about the relationship.

I'm really benefiting from his assistance.  I don't want the cash flow to stop.  What do I do?

Signed,
Fake Girlfriend

WISY's Advice:

Dear Fake Girlfriend,

What's the reason why you two haven't become involved in a committed relationship?  Have you ever given that any thought or are you just trying to get your money and run?  I'm not knocking you, I'm just curious as to why you two haven't considered it, especially since you hang out.

Anyway, if you didn't agree to playing the girlfriend role in the beginning then he shouldn't spring that on you.  Is he asking you to do that instead of sex?  If he isn't then you can tell him that he has to choose one.  Be prepared in case he asks you to skip sex for the family functions.  It sounds to me like he may be interested in making you his woman, but doesn't know how to approach it. 

I know you didn't ask my opinion on what you're doing, but I'll give it to you anyway.  Go find a part time job to help you eliminate your debt.  When you rely on lonely men who can't get a woman in normal fashion to help you, you end up in strange situations like this one.  You're lucky he didn't ask for something worse.

Have a talk with the guy.  Ask him to stick to the script if that's what you're comfortable with.  If he doesn't agree, cut your losses and be grateful that you were able to make a dent in your debt, and that you didn't get caught up in some crazy situation.  

Oh yea, there's this thing called the internet where you can go to find just about anything you need - even jobs. 😇

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Help! I Don't Want to Cheat!

Dear WISY,

I really miss my boyfriend who is now in the army.  We try to keep in touch but I don't know how much longer I can stay without him.  I love him but I’m a woman who needs to be with her man physically on a constant basis.  I am longing for someone to touch me.  I am becoming tempted to invite my ex to do the job.  He has been calling me a lot as if he knows I need attention.

I don't want to.  I would like to remain strong but I am becoming weak.  Please help me out.  How do I remain strong?

Signed,
Lonely

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WISY’s Advice:

Dear Lonely,

I can definitely understand the need for physical attention.  Long distance relationships are tough, and being in the military with no absolute idea of his return must be extremely difficult.  This is why it takes a strong person to be in a relationship with someone in the armed forces.  If it’s not something you think you can handle, you should remove yourself from the relationship.

It’s natural to want the easy solution (i.e. cheating with your ex) when you have such a strong drive for physical attention, but you have to overcome that.  If you can master your thought process, everything else will fall into place.  It will take a lot of self-discipline, prayer, meditation, and imagination.

Meditation and prayer help to center your mind.  If you are truly dedicated to your man then your mind will center itself on that and your urges to cheat will decrease.  Also, get some adult toys and get creative until your man comes home to give you the real deal.

But again, if you can’t handle it, honorably discharge yourself from the relationship.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

My Cousin?!

Dear WISY,

I feel so disgusting right now.  I just found out that the guy I've been seeing is my cousin.  I met him a few months ago on a dating site.  I was instantly attracted to him, and we met up and hit it off right away.  The relationship evolved, we did all kinds of nasty things to each other, we even told each other that we loved each other.

I guess I didn't get to know him well enough because I didn't know that he was my aunt's child that went to live with his father.  I never knew the full story about what happened with my aunt and my cousin's father, but I knew that his dad took him from her.

I feel filthy right now.  I don't know what to do.  He still wants to remain involved with me, but I just want to run away.  Another part of me wants to forget that we're family and remain involved.  

I need advice on how to get over this.

Signed,
Kissing Cousin

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Kissing Cousin,

Please omit continuing the relationship from your mind.  You absolutely cannot remain involved with your cousin.  Thinking of the future alone should put things into perspective for you and wipe away any lingering desire to remain involved.  How far can you actually go with your cousin?  It's illegal, it's immoral, and it's unnatural.  This is your 1st cousin.  Just stop.

Tell him that everything that happened was a mistake, and you'd only continue to get to know him as your long lost family member - nothing else!  If he can't handle that then he can remain lost.

Pray, meditate, clear your head however you choose, and move on in your journey to finding love.  I believe once you find the right person, you'll forget any of this ever happened.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Got Caught!

Dear WISY,

I got caught cheating with my husband’s cousin.  We were caught by a mutual friend, and now that friend is taking advantage of the situation.  Let me tell you what he has been doing to us in exchange for keeping the secret.

As soon as he found us, he told my husband’s cousin to let him have his way with me or he would tell right away.  We were both afraid, so we agreed quickly.  After that happened, I thought he would be content, but he is taking full advantage of the situation.  I have been giving myself to him on a regular basis.  He has also been extorting money from my husband’s cousin.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this situation.  It is getting worse with each passing day.  Please help me.  Please be nice!

Signed,
Caught

WISY’s Advice:

Dear Caught,

Nice?  Look what being nice got you.  Because you were so “nice” with your husband’s cousin, you in turn had to be “nice” to the mutual friend.  Nice gets you nothing but a kick in the behind.

Anyway, you and your side man are foolish.  This situation didn’t have to progress past the day of being caught.  If the mutual friend wanted to tell, you should’ve let him.  It would have been your word against his.  And if your husband believed him, you deserve it. But since you’ve let this thing play out for as long as it has, you should tell him that you’re not giving him any more hush money or hush sex.  If he threatens to tell, tell him to go ahead.  He’ll have to figure out how he will tell your man that he’s been sleeping with you also.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson.  You should only be “nice” to hubby from now on.  If he’s lacking in some areas, communicate with him.  Cheating never ends well.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I'm Insecure About My Body

Dear WISY,

I recently got out of a ten year relationship, and I am ready to start dating again.  I am nervous, I don't know how to start over, and I am extremely insecure.  During the course of my ten year relationship, I had two children, and my body is not the same as it used to be.  I am nervous about allowing another man to see me naked.

My ex stopped complimenting me.  He would always have sex with me after a few drinks, and he always made sure the lights were turned off.  He would always compliment young, sexy women in front of me as well.  He just tore my self esteem to pieces.  I couldn't take it anymore and I left him.  

I just want to feel hot again.  Please help me regain some confidence.  I will be checking back for your input.

Thank you in advance for your help!

Signed,
Insecure

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Insecure,

I'm pretty sure you're being too hard on yourself, but my best advice for you is to slow it down and create a genuine connection with someone who will not place your sole value on your body.  Become so mentally connected in your next relationship that the physical aspect is just icing on the cake.  What a man will think of your naked body should not be your primary concern right now.

In the meantime, enroll in some activity which caters to you.  Pamper yourself, get together with your friends, have some fun, and try to find yourself again.  Revert back to the woman you were before your ex's words and actions tore you down.  Understand that his opinion is not the gospel.  Leave him in your past and continue on your journey to self love and acceptance.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Is He Cheating?

Dear WISY,

Please help.  I think my boyfriend is cheating on me because he doesn't want to have sex like we used to.  He used to come to my house after work and spend the night, and we used to have sex all night, but now he comes over, eats his dinner, and goes to sleep.  He promises that he will wake up and give me the D but that never happens.  He claims he is so tired all of the time.  I don't know what changed all of a sudden, but it is really becoming a problem for me. 

I think he's cheating.  What do you think happened? How can I get it back to what it was?

Signed,
Need It

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Need It,

I can understand your frustration.  I don't think he's cheating.  If he is, he's having side dishes with his lunch because he still comes directly to you after work and spends the entire night.  

Maybe he's taken on additional responsibility at work or maybe he realizes the toll that all night sex is having on his body, and knows that he needs to rest rather than engage in any action with you.  It could also be an underlying health issue or maybe he's just gotten comfortable.  There are multiple reasons as to why this is happening.  In any case, it's a drastic change and you should speak with him about it.  Tell him that empty promises will only drive a wedge between you.  Ask him to communicate more so you're not left making assumptions.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY