He's Out on Parole

Dear WISY,

Please keep my identity private.  I really am in need of some advice.

About a year ago, I started writing to this guy in prison.  The reason why I started writing to him is because I have been on every dating site and have been trying to meet someone who I could settle down with, but I just couldn't found the right guy for me.  I even started to date a guy who lives in another country, but when we met, there was no chemistry.  I've been trying and trying my hardest to settle down, and writing to a guy in prison was my very last resort.

We wrote to each other a lot.  I sent pictures and he did when he could as well.  We formed a bond that was unlike any other I've experienced.  He was very honest with me.  He explained what caused him to commit the crime that landed him in prison.  I honestly understood him and felt bad that he experienced all that he did.  He's a victim, not a predator.  I got him and he got me.  That's all that mattered.  So, I committed to him and had his back while he was in.  

He recently got out on parole.  He came to stay with me instead of his baby's mother (who he dumped after he met me).  She never supported him so he didn't really have much to think about.  Ever since he got out, the baby's mother has been harassing us.  She is deliberately doing things to provoke him because she wants him to go back in.  She came to my house and rang the doorbell for two hours. She refused to leave without "her man". I wanted to call the cops, but he didn't want the law involved at all.  If he wants to see his daughter, he has to do it on her terms.  She is stressing him out and he's taking it out on me.

We argue all the time now.  He leaves the house all day, uses my bank card and spends hundreds of dollars, and comes back home with an attitude.  I ask him why he is shopping so much and he told me he has an image he needs to keep up 🙄.  He won't have sex with me as much (the baby mama told me he was having sex with her, so that might be why), he calls me out of my name, and has told me he doesn't even love me like that (what does that even mean?).  He is really not the guy I thought I committed to and I think I need to ask him to leave.  The only thing is, I think that will look bad on his parole.  What do I do?

Signed,
Parole Bae

Image by Łukasz Dyłka from Pixabay

WISY's Response:

Dear PB,

Ugh...this is toxic AF.  You're being played but I think you know that already.  It's not uncommon to create "perfect" bonds with people in prison.  Inmates often need a mode of escape from their reality and can create characters and personalities that appease their penpals.  You were able to support him in prison and he wanted that support to extend on the outside.  It sounds like that's all he wanted from you.

Don't allow this drama to continue any longer.  He told you he doesn't love you "like that".  Translation:  He doesn't love you. He's saying that you're expecting him to live up to the standards he portrayed himself to be, but you're not worth it to him.  I believe there's a lot you don't know about.  Think about it.  A woman ringing your doorbell for two hours has a lot to say and believes that she is entitled to reach whomever is inside.  She told you she's having sex with him.  Believe her.

Cut your ties and move on.  Don't be concerned with what may or may not look bad for his parole.  He doesn't even like you. So, please don't waste another ounce of concern on him.  Get rid of him and send him to the woman who desperately wants him with her.  Get new banks cards and anything else he's had access to.

I think it's important for me to emphasize that you need to take the time to just be.  It's okay to be single.  You don't have to force anything.  Just exist in your truest form and what and who is for you will come along.  Just chill and heal from this madness.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy

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Should I Call It Quits with My Husband?

Dear WISY,

My husband’s best friend came over on Christmas to introduce his new girlfriend.  They seemed very in love.  My husband jokingly interrogated her and praised her for finally showing up to save his best friend.  Following that day, we haven’t seen much of them, but they moved into a new place about 20 mins from our home.  Recently they’ve been having issues and my husband’s friend sometimes sleeps over at our house instead of going home.

With that said, his friend contacted me to ask me if I knew anything about my husband and his girlfriend talking on the phone.  I was unaware of that. I did some research and we both found that my husband and this young lady have been meeting up on lunch breaks, talking 2-3 hours at a time everyday, and they have been doing it all behind our backs.  We confronted them.  They admitted they had been having phone conversations, but stated they were discussing relationship issues and life.

We were also made aware that my husband bought her the new cat that she brought home some days after Christmas.  With all of this, I am unsure of what to do.  Has my husband really cheated with his friend’s girlfriend? Is it worth leaving my marriage?  

I can’t trust him so I can't see working it out at all.

Signed,

I Had No Idea

WISY's Advice:

Dear IHNI,

There is definitely cause for concern.  The secrecy of it all leads me to believe that there is more than just phone calls and lunch dates to talk about life and relationship issues.  Also, gifting a cat is usually reserved for close friendships, family members or intimate partners.  Even if they are not intimate, this is a case of emotional cheating, and that can be more harmful than physical cheating.  I don't blame you for losing trust, but I also want you to consider marriage counseling to help with this situation.

The help of a professional could help to unearth the root of the problem within your marriage or more specifically, with your husband.  Counseling will help you determine what direction is best for you, and  provide the next best steps to help you recover from the psychological effects that betrayal causes.

In the meantime, try to keep a clear head and surround yourself with people who will help you manage through this emotionally taxing time.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Should I Have His Baby?

Dear WISY,

Please keep me anonymous.  I am dating a guy secretly because he is married but I am beginning to fall in love with him.  I should say I am already in love with him because right now I feel I would do anything for him.  When I say anything, I mean a n y t h i n g!  Even abort his baby to keep him from getting in mix up with his wife. :-(  I did do that and sometimes when I think about what I did, I feel extremely depressed.  I can't believe I did that but all I wanted to do was keep my man happy.

A month or so later, I was feeling so down and depressed about it and I called him to come over because the rain was falling heavily and I needed him to be with me.  He ignored my calls and that really hurt me.  I left my house in the rain and went to this man's yard where he lives with his family.  I know I'm wrong but I didn't care.  Sometimes, anger gets the best of us, you know.  I went and knocked on his door until somebody (his wife) answered and asked who it was.  I told her who I was and everything I could fit into the short space of time before he came running to the door.  He tried to close the door in my face but she was fighting with him to keep it open and I was too so the two of us against him won.  She came outside to talk to me and I continued to tell her everything even though he was shouting and pushing me.

The next thing I know, she boxed me across my face and started to laugh.  I was so shocked because she was so calm before.  She gave me a beating and do you know this man didn't do anything to part us?  I begged and bawled but he didn't do a thing.  She finally stopped and I ran for my life.  After all I did for him and he would allow his woman to kill me there?  Not me.  I ran like Bolt!

Fast forward to now.  He came and apologized to me for everything and I slept with him the same night.  Yes, I know I'm stupid but that is what love does.  I gave him the best ever.  I missed him so much.  But now I am pregnant again and he wants me to abort again.  I told him I would think about it but what I really want to do is tell him I won't do it again.  I don't want him to be upset with me and I don't want any problems with the wife.  I don't want her to come beat me and I lose the baby.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Pregnant Again

WISY's Response:

Dear Pregnant Again,

I understand that love can make us do crazy things but at some point you have to snap out of it.  Clearly you haven't reached that point yet.  Perhaps sitting and carefully evaluating your situation will help you get there.  Remember how he left you to be beaten and ignored your calls when you needed him.  Remember that you are not his wife and should not expect to be treated as such.  Remember that he is dishonest and selfish.  Remember that you deserve to be loved openly and not in secret.

Whether you keep this baby or not, you must distance yourself from this man.  Throughout your letter, you didn't mention one positive thing he has done for you.  You only speak of what you have done to protect him and keep him happy.  This is not a healthy relationship and the sooner your realize this the better.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

     

He Won't Stop Cheating

Dear WISY,

I have a man who doesn't know how to be faithful.  He has cheated on me so many times but I keep forgiving him.  I know I should leave but I just can't seem to move on.  Every time I feel like I can walk away he comes with some of the most loving deeds and he makes me fall in love with him all over again.

I've spoken to his mother about it and she said she will talk to him but he hasn't changed.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't know why I can't go from him.  He's too sweet but he's too bad.  I need him to change or I need to move on.  I don't think he can change.  I need to find the strength to leave.  Please help me find the strength!  I'm tired of crying now.

Signed,
Tired of Crying

WISY's Response:

Dear Tired of Crying,

Find the strength to pull yourself away from him by realizing he doesn't love or respect you.  If he did, he wouldn't continue to hurt you.  It's time to break the cycle.  It may not be easy at first but as time passes, it'll get better and you will discover what it is to be truly loved and respected.

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY