Mama's Boy

Dear WISY,

My husband brought his mother to live with us when his father died a few months ago and ever since she has been in my house my husband has become a big baby.  She does everything for him and criticizes me for not being a good enough wife for him.  I've complained to him about it and he told me I should be happy that some of the strain has been removed from my day to day life.

I am not happy in my own home.  This woman has not taken some of the strain, she has taken it all.  Everyday she wakes up and begins the cooking, cleaning and washing.  It makes me look like I'm a terrible wife.  I am left to hear her ridicule me all day while he is at work and when he comes home he runs into her arms like a little toddler child.  It is disgusting and has turned me off.  I didn't marry a mama's boy, I want my husband to be the man I know he is.

I am no longer attracted to him but he tells me I should have sex with him every night since I have no house work to do and cannot complain about being tired.  This is so hard for me to do and I just keep still until the mama's boy is done with me.  When he is finished, I can't wait to take a shower.

Another issue his mother has caused is me being free to roam on the net.  I have been having relationships with men online and at times, I have phone sex with them.  Their voice sounds so manly and I can imagine being with them physically.  I am tempted to meet one of them so we can do the real thing but I don't know how I will do it with the hawk eye lady now in the house.  I guess I should forget about that and continue the phone sex.

I know it may seem different but I do want my husband back the way he was.  We had a very good relationship before his mother moved in and showed me another side of him that I hate.

What do you think I should do to get my husband to be a man again and how do I take back some of the control in my home?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle:The Only Guide You Will Ever Need to Making Love Last

 How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

WISY's Response:

Dear DH,

I understand you're in a tough spot right now but you can't blame your mother in law for your infidelity.  I believe you're looking for validation since you've been ridiculed as a house wife but cheating on your husband and fulfilling some stranger's fantasies online is not going to help you feel worthy again.  Subconsciously, you are seeking revenge for your husband's inability/unwillingness to defend you to his mother and you should have a serious conversation about it with him.

Explain yourself; tell him your feelings for him are changing since you have been forced into a role you're not comfortable with.  If he can't understand your point of view then maybe you should encourage him to go to marriage counseling; that may make him realize that his marriage is in trouble and a change is needed.

May I also suggest that you try to look for fulfillment outside of the home?  Maybe take a course, volunteer, do something constructive which will combat your boredom.  If your mother in law is willing to take the household duties off of your plate, it may not be such a bad idea to pursue a long time goal or learn something new.  Every disappointment is a blessing; delve a little deeper than the dating sites on the web.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

 

I Earned an A+ in School...boys

Dear WISY,

Please tell me what you think I should do.  

I am a student in a University outside of my hometown.  Thankfully, I received an academic scholarship here because my parents didn't have money to send me to school.  They wanted me to attend school nearer to my home but were grateful that I was given money to get an education.  I love it here but I cannot concentrate on my studies, there is just too much distraction.

When I left home last year, I had only been with one man but now I have been with over thirty boys at my school.  I don't know what has come over me and I am more interested in the next date then in my school work.  I have, for the first time in my life, began failing my courses and now I am on academic probation and at risk of losing my scholarship.

I need to know how to get back on track and focus on what is important.  I really do not want to disappoint my family by failing.  Please help and God bless!

Signed,
Promiscuous Intellectual

Fatal Distractions: Conquering Destructive Temptations: A 6-Week, No-Homework Bible Study (40-Minute Bible Studies)

 Understanding and Overcoming Temptation: Protect Yourself from Temptation's Traps 

WISY's Response:

Dear PI,

It's unfortunate that a school closer to home was not available for you because it seems that this freedom is too much for you to handle.  

Think about the disappointment you will feel within yourself if you are forced to leave school because of something that comes a dime a dozen.  Think about how your family will feel knowing their daughter was more concerned with acquiring distinctions in sexual intercourse than in her academics.  Think about how these guys you are sleeping with will graduate and make their parents proud because they didn't allow anything to get in the way of their academic success.  Think about how it will feel looking on as they graduate, knowing you were blessed with something many pray for and threw it all away.  Is that enough for you to shift focus?

You were awarded a tremendous opportunity because of your scholarly gift.  To let this go to waste could be devastating to your life.  It's time for you to buckle down and stop the foolishness.  Sex ain't going anywhere, it'll be waiting for you once you graduate (with honors, hopefully) so, slow down and take it easy!

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  The embedded links may be helpful to you.

BFF vs. BF

Dear WISY,

I don't know what to do.  I'm in a situation that is bound to hurt one of the two people I love the most in this world.  

My best friend fell on hard times and came to stay with me four months ago.  She was only supposed to stay a month but she has become lazy and hasn't done anything to help her situation.  Because she's my friend, I can overlook a lot of her bad habits but my man is not so kind.  He told me she needs to go or he's leaving.

I'm a very neat and clean girl but my friend is sloppy.  She is so beautiful but her habits don't match her appearance and on top of that she doesn't like to shower so the room she's staying in smells funky.  She doesn't pay rent or any of the bills or buy groceries.  She only uses her unemployment check to buy fast food for herself every day and leave all the trash in her room.  I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm beginning to dislike her.

My man didn't come home last night and she's all in my ear telling me to dump him because he must be out cheating.  She has no idea that he just can't stand to be around her anymore.  I don't want to lose my man over this girl who was only supposed to be here a month but in the same breath, I love her like a sister and don't want to hurt her feelings.

How would you approach this situation?

Signed,
BFF vs BF

Girl Code: Unlocking the Secrets to Success, Sanity, and Happiness for the Female Entrepreneur 

 I Am That Girl: How to Speak Your Truth, Discover Your Purpose, and bethatgirl

WISY's Response:

Dear BFF vs BF,

Boyfriend aside, as her best friend, you should always be truthful and honest with her.  If you agreed to helping her for a month and she is still in your home, using your utilities and not contributing to the upkeep of your household then it's time for you to help her along her merry little way.  Condoning her laziness is not helping her in the least bit.  As her friend, you need to help her realize that this is unacceptable.

I wouldn't mention anything about your man wanting her out.  Instead, tell her that she has become a burden and in order to salvage what's left of your friendship, you'd like her to move out by a certain date.  Check the laws in your jurisdiction to see how much time you're required to give her, if any.  This will hopefully jump start her will to find work again.

She may be hurt that you asked her to leave but hopefully she can realize that your actions are just a good dose of tough love.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

His Underwear Didn't Smell Right

Dear WISY,

This past week I was doing the wash and my husband's underpants smelled like another woman's aroma.  You might think I'm crazy but I smell his underpants every time I wash them.  I also smell his other clothes and check them for lipstick and perfume smells.  This time I was unpleasantly surprised by this discovery.

I took the underpants to him and asked him why they smell of someone other than me.  He told me I was stupid and crazy and continued to watch TV.  I knew in my heart that he was only trying to make me forget this instance but I planned to catch him fair and square the next time.

Again, I went through the soiled clothes and smelled all of his clothes.  This time the undergarment smelled like wash soap and fabric softener.  I guess he thinks he has outwitted me by washing his garments before returning home.  I didn't say anything this time but some mischievous thoughts entered my brain.  

I am still laughing at what I did.  I took all of his garments and rubbed nettles in the privates area. I rubbed it over and over again until I was sure he could not avoid the sting.  Unfortunately, that did not work so I decided to spy on him to see where he goes after work.

I arrived at his job an hour before he is supposed to resign for the day but he never came out of there.  I went in to inquire about him and they said he left at lunch time complaining of illness.  His boss questioned me and figured out that he was not at home in my care.  He realized that my husband was a liar.  I was embarrassed and glad all at once.  I did not catch him but his boss caught him in a lie.  Our Father in heaven is good!

That night I didn't say anything but when he arrived home from work the next day he was several hours early and was upset with me because I had caused him to lose his job.  I am now nervous for our well being.  How will he provide for us if he doesn't work?

I feel obligated to go to the job and persuade his boss to forgive him and explain that it was a misunderstanding.  I also feel that I should allow him to suffer for what he has done but that will also cause me to suffer.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Follow Your Nose

How to Catch a Cheater Red Handed: The complete step-by-step guide to catching cheaters

Getting Over An Affair: 5 Big Secrets Experts Want You To Know On How To Deal With Your Partner's Infidelity

WISY's Response:

Dear FYN,

I couldn't help but chuckle at your letter; your tactics are original, to say the least. 😂

On a serious note, I'll state the obvious: if you feel the need to always check your husband's clothes for strange smells then it's evident that trust is absent and a relationship with no trust is broken.  

Now that you have confirmed your suspicions, you are most concerned with your financial well being and not the fact that your husband is a liar and a cheater.  So, was it really worth all the snooping and sniffing?  Ask yourself if his financial support is worth more than a loyal relationship.  Then you can determine if you should step in and condone his behavior for the sake of money.

If I were you, I'd leave him to clean up his own mess, move in with family, find a way to support myself, and divorce him.  I would also consider enrolling into a career of investigation or something which requires an extraordinary sense of smell! 😉

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

If you or anyone you know needs advice, email WISY at DearWISY@gmail.com.  All identities are kept confidential.

Prisoner in Paradise

Dear WISY,

I need your advice on a very complicated situation.  You may not totally understand because of cultural differences but I will attempt to be as relatable as possible.

As a child, I was sent to work on the street selling fruits and vegetables instead of going to school.  My parents could not afford to send me to school because where I live, school is for the rich.  You might be surprised to know that I am speaking of a Caribbean country with very influential people who are known globally.

One day, I was selling my goods as usual and a man approached me and asked about my family.  I told him everything about us and he asked if I could keep a secret.  I was nervous and was about to run and scream but he pulled out his wallet and bought all the fruits that day and sent me home early.  The next day he came again but this time he came early in the morning and bought everything.  He continued this for a week and then my parents got curious about how I was able to sell everything so quickly and accompanied me the next day.

When he came the next day, he told my mother that he wanted to groom me because he saw my potential.  They had a conversation and the next thing I knew, I was going to school in a brand new uniform and shoes with all my school supplies for the first time in a few years at the age of 10. 

I did very well in school and I passed my exams to attend a very good high school.  The man continued to support me and my family and always said he expected the best from me.

When it was time for University, I expected the same support from him and he delivered but there was now a price I had to pay.  I became his girlfriend and I was told by my mother that it was normal. 

I finished University and now I am a career woman but I am depressed and feel like a prisoner.  Work is the only place I am allowed to go.  I am dropped off and picked up and once I am at home, I have to prepare meals, clean the house and provide sex.  I have complained to my mother but she said we are paying off our debt.  I feel alone and hopeless.  I have no friends and parents who obviously don't care about my feelings.  I feel like I don't want to live anymore if I have to live like this.  The funny thing is, women envy me for the way I look, dress and the Uptown address but they have no idea what I am going through to be this way.

I am awaiting your reply.  I need a way out of this!  I am ready to give up!

Signed,
Prisoner in Paradise

Verbal Abuse: How to Break Free of the Chains in Abusive Relationships and Regain Your Confidence

 Abusive Relationships: Manipulative People and Emotional Assassins - How to Spot Them 

WISY's Response:

Dear Prisoner in Paradise,

I am replying to you via email now and will post your letter later.  

My heart goes out to you and I just want you to know, above everything else I say here, that your life is worth living and you will overcome this nightmare and live in happiness and peace in your near future, don't give up!  You have already demonstrated how courageous you are by writing to me and I hope that I can be a source of encouragement and power to you.  Reaching out is always the most difficult step in these situations, everything else will come with increasing ease.

This is your life and nobody has a right to dictate how you live it.  Your mother exploited you at a young age probably because she thought it to be the only way out of your family's situation.  Instead of going the extra mile to protect and provide for you, she used you as a meal ticket.  For this, you do not owe her any sort of loyalty; what she says should fall on deaf ears.

This man took advantage of your situation and created a sick fantasy for himself, again, you owe him nothing!  Confide in someone trustworthy at work if you need to vent and seek the counsel of organizations designed to help women like you.  You will need solid, professional support to combat this man.  He will undoubtedly try to manipulate, threaten, and scare you.  He will use every desperate measure he can find to keep you but remain firm and hold on to the promise of a future beyond your wildest expectations.

Since childhood, you have proved your resilience and now have the opportunity to prove it again.  Armed with your intelligence and accomplishments, you will take the necessary steps to free yourself of others' expectations and truly and wholeheartedly live for you!

Resources in her country were provided via email and kept from the site at the Sender's request.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

If you or anyone you know needs advice, email WISY at DearWISY@gmail.com.  All identities are kept confidential.

 

My Man Left Because of my Attitude

Dear WISY,

I'm going to explain this to you as best as I can without writing too much.  

As a young girl, I was introduced to a lot of situations before my time.  As a result, I am very guarded and unpleasant to deal with.  I am aware of this and I am trying to become a better person for my man.  For example, in the past, I would never go to a ball game with my man but now I go.

I was facing a lot of hurt and pain because my man was getting friendly with his co-worker.  He had been buying new work clothes and going to happy hour several times a week.  He was also on his phone a lot more and I believed he was talking to her.

I went to his job yesterday and approached the girl.  I asked if she knew about me and she said she did.  She had this look on her face like she knew something I didn't know.  I couldn't take it any longer and I slapped her.  Long story short, I was escorted out and threatened with charges but my man convinced her to settle down and not press any.  He also left me on the spot and in the process, he revealed that he was in fact dealing with her because I am such a horrible person to deal with.  

I really was making an effort to be better for him.  I don't know where I went wrong and I need some help because I need to win him back or at the very least, be better for the next relationship.  What do you think I can do to improve my attitude?

Signed,
Attitude Girl

Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming the Present, Finding Inner Peace and Awakening

 Bee BADASS and Brilliant: A Holistic Guide to Create Success on Your Terms with Inner Peace and Confidence

WISY's Response:

Dear Attitude Girl,

Your first mistake was working on yourself for the sake of your man.  You need to work on yourself for your own inner peace THEN you can worry about being a better person for someone else.

It sounds like your childhood events and the damage they caused are tormenting you.  The best thing to do to remedy this is to seek professional help.  You will not grow past that hurt until you face it head on and heal yourself.  It will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but it is necessary and you will be amazed at the person who blossoms from the closed bud you currently are.

You are already aware that you have an issue.  Now, just take the next step to becoming that pleasant person I sense you want to be.  

Oh! and no more slapping and no more pop up visits, okay?  You're lucky he cared enough to get you out of a ride to the nearest police station.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Is he Married?

Dear WISY,

I have been dating a guy now for a few weeks. I am very observant and I've noticed his ring finger has an indentation and is lighter than the rest of his finger as if a ring is permanently placed there.

Is it too early for me to ask him about that? He is handsome and very kind but he has only taken me to hotels, I haven't visited his home. I fear he is hiding the truth from me. So tell me, is it too early for me to ask these questions of him? He has expressed that he sees a future for us but how is that if he is married?

Please tell me what to do.

Signed,

Suspicious

The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags: Relationship Warning Signs You Totally Spotted... But Chose to Ignore

100 Red Flags in Relationships: Spot Liars, Cheaters and Con Artists Before They Spot You! (Gaslight Survivor Series) (Volume 1)

WISY's Response:

Dear Suspicious,

My gut is telling me something ain't quite right here.  You should definitely ask him about his two colored finger.  It's never too early to ask questions and get clarification about someone you plan to get serious with.  The fact that he has only taken you to hotels is clear indication that he has to hide you...probably from his wife and family.

He's obviously not happy at home and is looking for an escape.  Unless you get pleasure out of being someone's part time fantasy, you should part ways with this guy.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

CONFESSION: I'm Sleeping with my Friend's Son

Dear WISY,

I need to exhale for a moment.  I have been carrying this burden for the past six months and I just need to tell somebody about this little boy who is giving me my groove back!

I know this is terrible but my co-worker turned close friend has a son who was too yummy for me to resist.  He's 24 and I'm 43.  I know I'm robbing the cradle but I can't lie, I'm enjoying every bit of this.  I was tired of men my age being semi-erect and passing out after the first round.  I forgot what it's like to have a a rock to work with followed by 2 and even 3 rounds.  This little boy is putting in that work!

The problem is, she comes to me everyday complaining about the "girl" her son is seeing who is buying him gifts and taking him on trips.  That girl is me and I am struggling to be her friend and not her son's sugar mama.  Yea, I say sugar mama because I know how this works and I don't mind it at all.  He is wearing my ass out and I love it.  Why can't I reward him for his exceptional performance?

The other night he said he wants to move in together.  I live in a gated community and I live well.  I know his little eyes want some of what I have but I'm not sure.  Do you think it's worth it to possibly upset my friend for this bomb loving?  Let me know!

Signed,
Robbing the Cradle

Cougar Dating: The Secrets to Success for Older Women Dating Younger Men

Dating Younger Men: Learn How You Can Quickly & Easily Date a Younger Man The Right Way Even If You're a Beginner, This New & Simple to Follow Guide Teaches You How Without Failing

WISY's Response:

Dear RTC,

Okay, Stella!  It's a whole different ball game once this guy moves in with you.  There's a lot you need to discuss with him before you make him your live in lover.  Make sure he's willing to live up to your standards because good loving can get old real quick if the other aspects are not up to par.  

You seem to be okay with the label "sugar mama" and all it entails so I won't touch on how there may be a high possibility that he doesn't have true feelings for you and is just enjoying his seat in your lap of luxury.  But, you know how this works so you're good, right?  You won't get hurt if he up and leaves you for the next best thing or for someone his age, right?  Alright, so let's move on.

If you guys are going to get serious then revealing everything to your friend is inevitable.  You both should sit her down and tell her.  She may be uncomfortable and she may even stop speaking to you.  It's up to you to decide if her friendship or her son's loving is worth more.  I couldn't possibly answer that for you.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

Is my Friend Sleeping with my Man?

Dear WISY,

Please post.  I don't want to come off as paranoid but I have a feeling that my good friend is dealing with my man behind my back.  I haven't seen any evidence of it but I just know something is going on.

They are always unreachable at the same time and then suddenly become available at the same time.  Whenever he travels for work, she somehow is having a "bad week" and doesn't want to talk with anyone or she is traveling also.  He seems to care more about her when we all go out than he cares about me.  For example, he refills her drink without her asking and I will be drinking the water from the melted ice and he won't even notice.

I don't want to come across as the jealous, paranoid type but I need to know if something is going on between them.  I have even tried to leave them alone in a room and sneak back to catch them but I never catch them in the act.

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if you think something could be going on based on the information I've given you.

Signed,
Paranoid

One Heart Too Many: How To Discover If They Are Really Cheating On You

 Why Men Cheat: And 20 Tips to Catch a Cheater (The Relationship Series Book 1)

WISY's Response:

Dear Paranoid,

I don't really know what to say here.  If you don't have any evidence then it's hard to call it.  I would suggest you mention their coinciding unavailability and see what the reaction is.  Also, tell your boyfriend that his main focus should be on you and not her and see what he says.  You will be able to tell a lot about how he feels about her from his response.  If he protests too much then there's probably something going on.

I could say that you should always pay attention to your intuition but it could also be your insecurities.  Ask the right questions (both to yourself and your boyfriend) and you're bound to get to the bottom of this.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Cheated so I Cheated too

Dear WISY,

I'm writing you because I really really really need help and advice.  Please post to your site.

Almost a year ago, I found out my husband was cheating with his co-worker.  I was hurt and I was going to confront him about it but my sister advised me that it was a bad idea because my husband spoiled me and took very good care of me.  She said I would risk losing everything and give it all to the new woman.  I listened to her but I was torn up inside and miserable.  He continued to stay out longer and became more and more distant.  I decided to do something about it.

I started looking for company on a dating site.  I found a man who was also married and we became quick friends.  He was so attractive and I started to sleep with him right away.  The first time I had him, I didn't want to leave but we both had to go home to our spouses.  I continued to see him on a regular basis.  I even got pregnant by him but had to terminate for obvious reasons and now we are in love.

Every time we see each other, it is gut wrenching to leave.  We are so in love with each other and we have spoken about divorcing our spouses and moving on together.  There is nothing holding me back but he has children and he doesn't want to cause any problems for them.

Do you think I should leave my cheating husband for this man?  I no longer love my husband, I love this new guy with all my heart.

Signed,
Creeping

Nobody's Fool: How to Find Out if your Man is Cheating

 After All Is Said And Done: A Novel of Infidelity, Healing & Forgiveness

WISY's Response:

Dear Creeping,

Should you leave a cheating man for another cheating man?  Sure, go ahead and jump from the pot to the fire.  I think you've established a type, don't you?  Okay, let me stop being mean because I'm not immune to these types of mistakes either.  I know your judgment may be clouded by love right now but take a minute to think this thing through and then you can probably answer your own question.  Put your confused heart in your pocket for a second and bring your brain to this conversation.

Your husband is a cheater.  Becoming a cheater yourself doesn't rectify the situation.  As much as I would like to say "Yes girl! Give him a dose of his own medicine!", that really isn't the solution to this.  Let him know that you're aware of his affair and see how he reacts.  If he wants forgiveness then it may be worth it to work it out with this cheater rather than the new one you've acquired.  If he he shows little care, then you can move on.

If you move on, don't rush your new man to leave his family.  Remember his concerns for his children and respect that.  Don't be surprised if you're left out on the limb by yourself.  If that's the case, it may not be so bad.  You can find a man who isn't spoken for and build a honest and loving relationship with him.

Remember this:  We often become engrossed in the escape and fantasy of an unrealistic situation and mistake it for love.  We only see a small portion of a person during the stolen hours of infidelity and somehow convince ourselves that that's the remedy for our unhappiness.  This is a common mistake.  Ask yourself a few questions about this man and his happenings outside of your bedroom romps.  Do you really know him?  Does he know you?

Try to fix what you have at home before dealing with another cheater.  If that doesn't work then by all means, move on.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Want to be Free

Dear WISY,

I need your help with my current situation.  I am currently with a new guy (about a month now) and I am a freaky girl.  I like to do things that are not acceptable where I am from.  My ex guy got me hooked to all these new things when I went away to school and then we broke up when we graduated.  Now, I am back home and seeing this new guy and he doesn't even like for us to talk about doing it.  When he's ready he just mounts me and goes for a minute and then he is done.  I am so tired of this.  I need to do the things (not just freaky things) I have grown to like but because of our culture, I will not find a guy who would want to do this.

I am thinking of moving back to Europe so I can be free to do what I want.  I do not have the money or the immigration status to do so on my own but I met a gentleman when I was away at school and we still communicate.  He said he would be willing to sponsor my trip but I would have to marry him in return.  I don't know if I can stand to marry such an ugly man but I think I can benefit from being back in Europe with him because he is wealthy.  In my culture, we arrange marriage all the time so it would not be too bad.

If I can get there, I will figure out the rest.  Do you think it's worth it to go back to Europe and leave my family here?  I will support them well from there but leaving and staying away is not what we traditionally do.

Please send your advice for me.

Signed,
I want to be Free

The Life You Were Born to Live: A Guide to Finding Your Life Purpose

The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It

WISY's Response:

Dear IWTBF,

I can understand that as we venture out into new environments, our previous norm can become a bit stifling.  For that reason, I would say yes, absolutely go back to Europe and continue to broaden your horizons.  What I won't encourage you to do is go back and marry this guy just for monetary gain and immigration status.  There are other ways to make your way to Europe legally.  Marrying someone you aren't attracted to or in love with is totally unacceptable and unnecessary.  I find it funny that loveless marriage is okay for you but other aspects of your culture aren't. 

You can begin to job hunt and if your credentials are impressive enough you may find a company that will sponsor you as long as you are employed with them.  You could also save until you are able to sponsor yourself and make your way back.  Who knows, maybe you'll reunite with your ex and continue your exploration with him.

In regards to your family, I'm a firm believer that you should always try to fulfill your heart's desires.  This life is yours and you should live it how you see fit.  Just be sure not to burn bridges that you may need to cross again in the future.  If your family can gain from you living abroad then they may let customs fall by the wayside.

Think about it a little more and plan accordingly.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY