Loving the D

Readers:  be advised that this post includes adult content

Dear WISY,

I'm a little embarrassed to be writing about this but I really need to know if there's something wrong with me.  Okay, I think I'm addicted to sex.  I think about it all day and all night and my boyfriend is starting to get angry with me because of it.  I just lost my virginity two months ago and ever since the first time, I can't get enough.  I waited a long time to do it and I regret wasting all that time.  It is the best feeling in the world.  I want to feel it all the time but my boyfriend can't give it to me so I've been cheating on him. :-(

I cheated with a guy I met on my lunch break, I cheated with a coworker, I cheated with my brother's best friend, I cheated with a guy in my class and I'm about to cheat again with a guy I met online.  I like the different ways the guys do it, I like the way they touch my body, I like it even when I don't orgasm.  I don't know if that makes sense.

Please tell me if I'm okay.  I haven't told anybody about this and I have a feeling they won't get me if I do.  I don't feel bad about cheating either.  I feel that my boyfriend should give me what I need.  If he did, I'd have no reason to cheat on him.

Signed,
Loving the D




WISY's Response:

Dear Loving the D,

Wow.  I can't give you an evaluation and diagnosis if that's what you're looking for.  I can, however, give you my opinion.  In my opinion, I think there's nothing wrong with a woman loving sex.  I'm glad you enjoy it so much since so much of us don't.  There's something very liberating when a woman can express her love for something in such a way that is traditionally reserved for men.  HOWEVER, when you start cheating on your boyfriend to fulfill your need, I would say there is a problem.  I can only hope that this love for the D doesn't interfere with your every day life and I hope with all my heart that you're being safe during your romps.

I'd like to know the frequency of this urge for sex.  Is it distracting you?  Have you noticed a difference in your regular habits?  Does it compromise your morals?  If you answer yes to any of those questions, I would seek out some professional help.  You may need to curb that appetite a bit.

Continue to love sex but don't let it get the best of you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

     

She's Stealing My Clients

Dear WISY,

I'm having an issue with my co-worker.  We are both hair stylists and I've noticed she's been copying my styles and has started doing more weaves.  She never did weaves as much; she specializes in natural hair and dreads.  All of a sudden, she has clients coming in to do weaves.  She was asking me about certain techniques and now this girl is even better than I am at weaving and to make matters worse, she is stealing my clients!

I don't mind mentoring people but when you start to take money out of my pocket, we have a problem.  I confronted her about it and she laughed and told me to step my game up.  I wanted to slap her silly but I knew I would be out looking for another booth and clients if I did that.  I can't even seem to keep the walk-ins' attention when she is doing her thing.

I have rent to pay, kids to feed and lots of bills.  I don't need her taking my clients.  How do I get my clients back?

Signed,
Unbeweavable

WISY's Response:

Dear Unbeweavable,

The world of hair styling is a competitive one.  I can understand your frustration with your co-worker but she's right - you need to step your game up.  You should take this as a lesson to never get too comfortable.  Hone your craft and show who the best stylist is.  Also, try price specials which may attract more clients to you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY


     

I Wanted His Friend, Not Him

Dear WISY,

One night I was out with my girls and we were leaving the restaurant and heading to the lounge.  We were all single and looking to mingle!  As soon as we were about to get in the Uber, a group of guys walked up and started talking to us.  I was immediately attracted to this tall, caramel brotha with long braids and broad shoulders.  He was fine af!  Anyway, we told them we were about to head to the lounge and they said they would meet us there.

We got there and waited for them to come so they could buy us drinks.  They rolled in like ten minutes after we got there and we picked up where we left off.  I'm the quiet one of all the girls, I like to keep my mouth shut and my eyes and ears open.  After we gave them our drink orders we started talking about who we liked but as usual, I was quiet.  I heard my girl say she liked the same dude I liked.  So, now you know I'm in an awkward spot already!  I decided to fall back and let her go after him.  It's not like I would've gone after him, I'm way too shy.

They came back and couples started breaking off on their own - dancing and what not.  It was just me and one other girl left standing around and the last dude from their crew came and talked to me.  I told him I didn't want to leave her alone so he decided to stay and the three of us hung out together for the rest of the night.  At the end of the night, he approached me for my number.  I gave it to him but I really wanted to give it to the other guy.  

This guy is nice and we've been seeing each other for a few months but every time I see his friend, I want to rip his clothes off.  On top of that, I have to listen to my girl talk about him ALL DAMN DAY!!  She's the type of girl to go into all the fine details and I've heard everything about him from his draws to his moans.  I'm secretly torn apart inside and I don't know how to get over not winning over the man I wanted.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see and hear about him all the time.

How can I overcome this jealousy before I begin to hate my friend for having what I want?

Signed,
Jealous

       

This Election is Ruining My Marriage

Dear WISY,

Urgent!

My husband and I met during a political meeting back in 2008 (or 2007, not sure).  We were drawn together by our beliefs and faith in President Obama.  We worked hard to campaign for him.  We bonded throughout the late nights and early mornings and somehow fell in love.  We got married in 2010 and even sent a message to the White House detailing how the campaign brought us together and extended an invitation to the President and First Lady to attend.   They didn’t show but we kind of expected that.  We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part we’ve been great.

I’m sure you can understand my disappointment when my husband told me he was supporting Trump.  He said he doesn’t think a woman is ready to run the country and he said he agrees with Trump’s views when it comes to immigration.  I feel like I have an imposter in my home.  I don’t know who this man is and I certainly don’t want him around me anymore.  Needless to say, my home has been a war zone.  I’ve tried not to turn on the news but he finds it necessary to bring every negative thing about Hillary to my attention and I react with rage each time.

This election is tearing my marriage apart.  How ironic is it that the last one brought us together and now this one is repelling us from each other?  SMH.  I’m not one to quit but I feel hatred towards my husband for joining forces with the opposition and belittling women and immigrants.  I don’t want a divorce so how can I make this work?  And by this, I mean how can I get my husband to wake up and see the light?

Signed,

Election Blues

P.S. we are black!

photo credit:  blogs.christianpost.com

WISY's Response:

Dear Election Blues,

I'm sorry your marriage is in turmoil due to the presidential race.  Perhaps too much emphasis was placed on politics to begin with.  Your love story is a beautiful one but if it was based solely on political views and involvement then this type of upset is inevitable.

In order to save your marriage, you both have to learn to respect each other's opinions of the presidential candidates.  Instead of indulging in the circus of mud slinging, you should skip the news and enjoy a night out together; go watch a game or have a nice dinner.  Do something other than bicker over the upcoming election that will eliminate the feelings of hatred you feel towards your husband.

You both have to remember that these candidates don't know you personally and whether they win or lose will not be a direct result of your strong opinions.  They will not come to your door and personally thank you for holding on to your beliefs even though it divided your household.  To them, you are a vote, a statistic, a number - nothing more.  So, please do not allow this to spoil your love for each other.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

     

We Fake Our Relationship for 'Likes'

Dear WISY,

Confession is good for the soul so here I go!  I have been pretending that my relationship with my man is perfect and people believe me.  I shouldn't just say I am because my boyfriend does the same thing too.  We have everyone on social media fooled and I'm getting tired of pretending.  We don't get along at all, we only have sex when we're drunk and we don't go anywhere together.  It's all a lie for Facebook and Instagram.  I don't cook for him, I don't wash his clothes, I don't do anything for him and he does nothing for me.  We're basically roommates.  In the morning I throw up a love quote and a picture of him and at night, I tag him in a song.  The comments that come when I do that are what I have started to love.  If I said I was still in love with him I'd be lying.  I care about him but I don't love him.

Don't get me wrong.  At first, we were so in love.  We did everything together and I guess things got boring and we never really spoke about it, we just continued to do things separately.  But everyone is envious of our relationship and I think we both like being admired so we've been keeping up the charade.

I'm ready to move on to a real relationship but how do I explain to everyone that things are over when there was no sign of trouble?  And how do I know that people will still look up to me?  I don't want to let go of the attention we get.  My relationship isn't fulfilling but the attention is.

Signed,
Attention Whore

WISY's Response:

Dear Attention Whore,

It's blatantly obvious to me that you are trying to fill a void within your life with this false sense of leadership from your followers on social media.  You've created this imaginary world where you crave and thrive off of the attention you receive.  Getting a boost from positive energy is wonderful but you can't achieve true happiness if your boost comes from a false state of being.  You said your followers are being fooled but you are also fooling yourself.

In order to achieve true fulfillment, you either need to work on your current relationship or move on to someone new in order to give you the emotional support you need.  This type of behavior is reflective of some sort of mental instability and there are resources which can help you work through this.  I recommend you get counseling as a couple (if you choose to stay) and see a therapist on your own who can help you pin point where this need for attention is coming from and then you can learn how to go about reaching fulfillment in a healthy way.

Maybe you should take a break from posting on your Facebook & Instagram until you sort yourself out.  Work on being your authentic self and then begin to express that on your pages.  I'm sure you are just as admirable being your true self.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY



   

I'm Sorry, I was Desperate

Dear WISY,

Two weeks ago I did the unthinkable.  I don't know how I got myself in this situation but it happened and I regret every minute of it.  I had sex with my cousin's husband.  I wasn't drunk but I can admit I was desperate for some male attention.  I haven't had sex in almost a year and my body needed it.  I feel awful, I feel guilty, I feel like a slut and a backstabber.  

My cousin is the kindest person you could ever know and I love her but lately she's put on some weight and her husband has lost interest in her.  I know this because she confided in me and told me.  I don't know how I allowed her husband to sleep with me.  He was just supposed to be stopping by to drop off a cake she baked for my birthday.  I was getting out of the shower and didn't have time to put on clothes when he came so I answered the door in my towel.  I never expected him to look at me the way he did and touch me the way he did.  I tried not to show that I liked it but I guess my lack of attention was clearly displayed in my body language.  We ended up having sex on my couch.  It was quick and as soon as it was over I felt like I was going to throw up.  He apologized and made me promise not to say anything to my cousin but I feel too bad about it.  I want to tell her but I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to mess up our relationship.

Signed,
Desperate

WISY's Response:

Dear Desperate,

I'm glad you recognize how terrible this is.  You should tell her what happened and prepare for the pain you are sure to feel when you see what your actions have done to your cousin that you claim to love.  She deserves to know who you are and who her husband is.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY


     

3 Men, 1 Baby

Dear WISY,

I'm writing to ask what you think I should do.  I've been involved with three men for the past 6 months and I'm getting serious with all of them.  Also, when I'm with each one, it feels as if he's my one and only.  I don't feel like I could let any one of them go.  I am not having protected sex with any of them and I'm not on birth control and I've found myself in a nightmare.  

I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is.  I know that it's my own fault this happened and I know you will probably come down hard on me but I really need to know what I can do.  I'm not going to have an abortion because I don't believe in that so I know I have to face the music and tell these men what I've been doing.  I really hope I don't lose them all in the process.  I hope they all stick by me until the baby is born and a DNA test is complete.  How do I begin to approach this?  I'm so nervous.

Signed,
3 Men, 1 Baby

WISY's Response:

Dear 3 Men, 1 Baby,

I think it's unrealistic to hope they all stick around after you reveal you've been playing them.  Realistically, you should prepare for an onslaught of turmoil and you should be thinking of how you can remain as stress free as possible throughout all of it for the sake of  your unborn baby.

I'm sure you already know better but I'll still reiterate that you should protect yourself in your future relationships.  I know the issue at hand is a pregnancy but you've also put these three men at risk to be exposed to STDs.  Be more responsible; there's too much disease floating around for you to be behaving the way you do.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY 


     

Not in the Mood Anymore

Dear WISY,

My appetite for sex is gone.  I don't know what happened but I went from wanting it daily to pretending to be in a deep sleep when my husband wants me.  It's been an abrupt change and I can't figure out why it happened.  I'm still young, still think he's attractive, still do all the things we've always done but when it's time to have sex, I don't want to.

He's been complaining about the lack of physical contact and today he told me he's going out with some of his friends.  It may not seem like a big deal but he never goes out with friends.  If he goes out, it's with me.  I'm so terrified that he is going out to cheat on me because I haven't been giving him what he needs.

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to lose my hubby.

Signed,
Not in the Mood

WISY's Response:

Dear Not in the Mood,

I would consult with your doctor to see what could be causing this.  Hormonal changes and other underlying issues which you may not immediately recognize could contribute to your sudden change.  Whatever you do, don't just lay back and allow this to become the norm.  You can't make such a drastic change for no apparent reason and expect your spouse to be alright with that.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

     

I Proposed to Him

Dear WISY,

I just turned 24 last week and I had the best birthday ever.  My man took me on a little road trip and we had an amazing time.  I felt so close to him and I know this is going to sound a little out there but I felt compelled to propose to him.  I know it's not tradition but I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I wanted him to know that.  I've been seeing more and more videos of women doing this and it's inspiring to see bold women not confined to the standards of society.  He accepted even though I didn't have a ring or anything.  Like I said, I felt compelled to ask him in the moment of deep, spiritual intimacy.

All should be good, right?  Well, not really.  My father is dead set in his ways and he told me that he would not give his blessing (or money lml) unless my man got on one knee and proposed the "correct way".  I told my man about it and now he feels pressured to buy a ring for me.  We both are in grad school and don't have jobs.  We can't afford diamond rings but we do love each other so much.  I told my man not to worry about buying a ring that's going to break his pockets, I told him to just get a little band or something for now.  He told me he didn't think that would be enough for me and that I deserve something pretty.  

I really want us to be in this level of commitment and work towards finishing school and planning our wedding.  I'm afraid that waiting to make the engagement "official" could leave opportunity for us to drift apart.  Do you think I should borrow the money and go buy a decent ring so he can put a ring on it?   I feel like that falls in the same line of me taking the lead and being a trailblazer.

Signed,
Not Really Engaged

WISY's Response:

Dear NRE,

I applaud you for stepping outside of the box and making your intentions clear with your significant other.  It takes a lot of guts to do something like that and though some may feel that gender roles should be sharply defined, I think what you did was beautiful. Kudos!

If you two are meant to marry each other, the absence of a ring will not hinder that.  Also, I don't think your father will be too concerned about the price of the ring, I think he's more concerned about the traditional proposal.  His blessing and finances are important to you so, tell your man to get what he can afford or wait until you both have jobs and can afford what he believes you deserve.  No need to put yourself in debt for that.

None of this takes away from the moment you two shared over your birthday weekend.  That will always be the "official" proposal for you and him and a memory that will never die.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY




     

Does Weed Do That to You?

Dear WISY,

I just started dating this guy and I think he may have some issues with addiction that he's hiding from me.  I smoke weed, my friends smoke weed and my family smokes weed and none of us act the way he does when he can't get high.  Like, he paces back and forth and has zero patience with me.  Another thing is he smokes a "special" grade that he never shares.  He says I ain't ready for that yet.  I asked him what's in it and he tells me it's just a special way it's grown.  I'm no fool; weed doesn't make people act the way he does.  His eyes get crazy looking, his energy increases and he wants to have crazy sex with me.  I mean the sex is great but it's kinda scary at the same time.  I be waiting for his head to snap back and reveal the Michael Jackson Thriller face!  I think he puts a hard drug in his joints and that's why he doesn't want me to take a hit from it.  My question is...how do I find out if he's really on something stronger?  I don't want to leave him for nothing.  Could it be that he just has lower tolerance for weed?  I googled it and I still can't figure it out.

Signed,

Weed?

WISY's Response:

Dear Weed?,

The effects of marijuana don't cause people to act the way you're describing.  It does sound like he is lacing his weed with some sort of drug which causes hyperactivity and dependency.  If you're really into this guy, you could tell him your suspicions and try to help him overcome his addiction.  It won't be easy, keep that in mind.  If you're not that invested yet, I would break it off.  He may very well go on to experiment with other drugs and you don't want any part of that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

    

Waiting for Him to Marry Me

Dear WISY,

I have been with my fiance for six years now.  He proposed a year ago and I think it's time for us to begin planning our wedding but he keeps telling me the time isn't right yet.  I asked him if he would rather go to the Court and get married there (thinking maybe lack of money is an issue for him) but still he says the timing isn't right.  I'm confused.  What could he be waiting for?  Why did he ask me to marry him if he's not ready yet?  My family and friends keep asking me what the hold up is and I tell them we're taking our time to make sure everything is perfect.  But I really don't know what the hold up is.  I'm just as curious as them.

Do you think he doesn't want to marry me and just doesn't know how to tell me?

Signed,
Waiting

WISY's Response:

Dear Waiting,

Ask him to be more specific.  Express your concerns and have an in depth conversation about the cause of his hesitation.  If you are going to marry this man, it's important that you both understand any issues either of you may have and deal with them together.  From what I can tell, there's a lack of communication between you two and that's something you need to address before walking down the aisle.  I hope he opens up so you can know how to proceed.

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY


    

Should I Have His Baby?

Dear WISY,

Please keep me anonymous.  I am dating a guy secretly because he is married but I am beginning to fall in love with him.  I should say I am already in love with him because right now I feel I would do anything for him.  When I say anything, I mean a n y t h i n g!  Even abort his baby to keep him from getting in mix up with his wife. :-(  I did do that and sometimes when I think about what I did, I feel extremely depressed.  I can't believe I did that but all I wanted to do was keep my man happy.

A month or so later, I was feeling so down and depressed about it and I called him to come over because the rain was falling heavily and I needed him to be with me.  He ignored my calls and that really hurt me.  I left my house in the rain and went to this man's yard where he lives with his family.  I know I'm wrong but I didn't care.  Sometimes, anger gets the best of us, you know.  I went and knocked on his door until somebody (his wife) answered and asked who it was.  I told her who I was and everything I could fit into the short space of time before he came running to the door.  He tried to close the door in my face but she was fighting with him to keep it open and I was too so the two of us against him won.  She came outside to talk to me and I continued to tell her everything even though he was shouting and pushing me.

The next thing I know, she boxed me across my face and started to laugh.  I was so shocked because she was so calm before.  She gave me a beating and do you know this man didn't do anything to part us?  I begged and bawled but he didn't do a thing.  She finally stopped and I ran for my life.  After all I did for him and he would allow his woman to kill me there?  Not me.  I ran like Bolt!

Fast forward to now.  He came and apologized to me for everything and I slept with him the same night.  Yes, I know I'm stupid but that is what love does.  I gave him the best ever.  I missed him so much.  But now I am pregnant again and he wants me to abort again.  I told him I would think about it but what I really want to do is tell him I won't do it again.  I don't want him to be upset with me and I don't want any problems with the wife.  I don't want her to come beat me and I lose the baby.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Pregnant Again

WISY's Response:

Dear Pregnant Again,

I understand that love can make us do crazy things but at some point you have to snap out of it.  Clearly you haven't reached that point yet.  Perhaps sitting and carefully evaluating your situation will help you get there.  Remember how he left you to be beaten and ignored your calls when you needed him.  Remember that you are not his wife and should not expect to be treated as such.  Remember that he is dishonest and selfish.  Remember that you deserve to be loved openly and not in secret.

Whether you keep this baby or not, you must distance yourself from this man.  Throughout your letter, you didn't mention one positive thing he has done for you.  You only speak of what you have done to protect him and keep him happy.  This is not a healthy relationship and the sooner your realize this the better.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

     

He Won't Stop Cheating

Dear WISY,

I have a man who doesn't know how to be faithful.  He has cheated on me so many times but I keep forgiving him.  I know I should leave but I just can't seem to move on.  Every time I feel like I can walk away he comes with some of the most loving deeds and he makes me fall in love with him all over again.

I've spoken to his mother about it and she said she will talk to him but he hasn't changed.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't know why I can't go from him.  He's too sweet but he's too bad.  I need him to change or I need to move on.  I don't think he can change.  I need to find the strength to leave.  Please help me find the strength!  I'm tired of crying now.

Signed,
Tired of Crying

WISY's Response:

Dear Tired of Crying,

Find the strength to pull yourself away from him by realizing he doesn't love or respect you.  If he did, he wouldn't continue to hurt you.  It's time to break the cycle.  It may not be easy at first but as time passes, it'll get better and you will discover what it is to be truly loved and respected.

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY