Help! I'm an Alcoholic

Dear WISY,

I think I have a serious problem.  I'm ashamed and I know I need help, but I can't speak to anyone about it just yet.  I have been drinking too much.  I drink to the point that I don't remember anything.  I have been waking up in random places with random people.  My career is in jeopardy and I think my family and friends are noticing that something is wrong.

I enjoy drinking.  I always tell myself that I'll just have one, but I'm obviously not doing a good job with that.  I go out because I'm single, I live alone, and I get lonely sometimes.  Drinking has made me a lot of friends, but I do not have control over myself.

I really need some advice to help me manage this.

Signed,

Secret Alcoholic

This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life

Alcoholism - When Alcohol Is More Than A Drink

WISY's Advice:

Dear Secret Alcoholic,

I'm so glad you've reached out and have identified that you are struggling with your alcohol consumption.  

First things first, since you have blacked out on numerous occasions with people who you don't know, you should visit your physician and get tested for any possible contracted diseases.  Secondly, I think it would be a good idea to move in with a friend or family member so that you don't have that overwhelming feeling of loneliness that drives you to seek unhealthy companionship.  Last, and most importantly, it's time to lock in some time to see a therapist on a regular basis.

If you have insurance, your policy should cover your therapy costs.  If you don't have insurance or are on a plan that doesn't pay for therapy, you can use free resources provided by your local government.  Please do your research and find the best fit for you.

In the meantime, if you feel the urge to go drinking, call a close friend or family member instead.  Over time, you may feel comfortable enough to share your struggle and receive some much needed emotional support.  Whatever you do, try to break the pattern of loneliness = drinking.  Try loneliness = phone call with a loved one or loneliness = visiting loved ones or loneliness = binge watching your favorite series. Ultimately, loneliness should no longer equal going out to drink.

I wish you the best.  Stay in touch!

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

P.S. Don't confuse friends with acquaintances.  Friends would make sure you wake up safely in your own bed.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She Just Up and Left Me!

Dear WISY,

I don’t know how to start this so I'm going to go back to the end of my last relationship. My ex wife and I divorced after 12 years of marriage because she was cheating on me. It really bothered me bad so I went about 19 months not seeing any one. I stayed single. I didn’t go out for random hookups or anything. So, after about 19 months I still wasn’t looking but I had someone - by accident really. 

She turned out to be everything I was ever looking for in a woman/relationship. She was absolutely amazing!!! We dated for about 4 months and I had made up my mind that I was ready to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. 

Two days before Christmas she just ups and leaves me with no explanation at all. She won’t return my phone calls or my texts. There's absolutely no communication whatsoever.  I don’t know what to do.  I want her back but I can’t get her to talk with me. Of course she is dealing with some family issues and I was always there by her side supporting her because that’s what you do in relationship. 

Please tell me should I continue trying to get her or should I just let this be another life lesson and move on? 

Signed, 

Confused 

A Man's Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved

The Break Up Manual For Men: How To Recover From A Serious Break Up, Become Stronger and Get Back Into Life

WISY's Advice:

Dear Confused,

A person who just up and leaves a relationship with no explanation was never really invested in the first place.  Something or someone may have come along and grabbed her attention.  This issue or person was probably in the picture before you and she may have been using her relationship with you as a distraction.  Once things improved with the person or situation, she went running back to it.

My best advice to you is to move on.  You don't need someone who displays such instability and immaturity.  Her silence speaks volumes.  It's tough, but in time, you will be alright.  And please, whatever you do, don't blame yourself!  You didn't do anything wrong and there isn't anything wrong with you.  Your love story doesn't end here.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Girls Trip Gone Wrong!

Dear WISY,

Since the summer of 2017, my closest college friends and I have been planning to go on a trip.  It's been years since we've all spent time together so everyone was excited to go.  We paid a deposit on the trip to secure the package and planned to pay in increments until the entire cost was paid in full.  We paid it all in the fall of 2018.  Everything was set.

During the entire course of last year, I helped one of my friends make her payments.  She was going through some tough times and I thought it was unfair to exclude her from the trip.  I quietly paid the majority of her payments with the promise that she would pay me back by March of this year.  

I noticed that she had been getting feisty with me, but I didn't take it to heart because she's having some struggles at the moment.  I know that can make a person snappy.  Her whole attitude towards me changed.  She was insulting me and making fun of my car and house.  I was thinking she is just envious because of her financial struggles.  She always said things to me and then said she was joking so I always let it slide.

Anyway, we went on the trip and I noticed that the same girl I helped was spending large amounts of money.  She upgraded her seat to first class, she got a suite for herself, separate from the rest of us, and she bought expensive jewelry.  I was wondering how she could afford to do that when she couldn't afford to make her installment payments.  So, against my better judgement, I asked her.  She went off on me.  She attacked me and everything that has anything to do with me.  Through it all, she convinced the other girls that I wasn't a good friend.  Everyone attacked me and I cried as a result.  They proceeded to exclude me from all the activities on the trip.  I had the worst time.  

Since being back in the U.S., I haven't seen or spoken to any of them.  Last night I sent a group email to all of them, explaining everything.  I've gotten a few apologies and I have been asked to have a sit down with the whole group to hash it all out.  I'm not sure that I want to do that.  I feel bad about helping the girl and then telling everyone, but I felt that I had to because of how she was acting.

I don't know what to say when the sit down happens.  I don't want to make things worse.  Can you please give me advice as to how I can make the best of the situation?

Signed,

Wrongfully Accused

Big Travel, Small Budget: How to Travel More, Spend Less, and See the World

 In Search of Sisterhood: Delta Sigma Theta and the Challenge of the Black Sorority Movement

WISY's Response:

Dear Wrongfully Accused,

First of all, the first insult would have resulted in a freeze in cash flow in her favor.  She would have been S.O.L. if she insulted me.  I know that her circumstances could be to blame for her behavior, but she's a grown ass woman capable of being civil, especially since you are assisting her.  

Although she agreed to pay you by March of this year, I don't see how a decent person could make such grand purchases in your presence knowing that she owes you money.  It's like a slap in the face.  She doesn't know what inconveniences she could have caused you to help her out.  There's nothing wrong with the finer things, but insulting your personal possessions and disregarding her debt to you tells me that she interprets your kindness as weakness.  She seems to be a master manipulator who has you intertwined in her trap.  I honestly don't think she ever had the intention of repaying you, and something tells me that this isn't the first time something like this has occurred.  She knows you're a good person and is taking advantage of you.

I wouldn't be too concerned about making things worse with this girl.  She doesn't seem like the type of person you should have close to you.  Also, you are not obligated to sit down with the group to talk unless you are looking for public vindication.  I don't know that I'd care after how they all treated you, but it's up to you.  If you have communication between you and the girl about helping her with her payments, you can bring that to light.  You can also talk about the ways she's insulted you.  Just tell the entire truth and move on.  Who is for you will remain, and those who aren't will go.  Such is life.

In the future, be certain to have documentation binding whomever you assist to a legal agreement.  That will save you a whole lot of trouble.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

 

He's Been Cheating Since the Beginning of Our Relationship

Dear WISY,

Last week my boyfriend confessed that he has been cheating on me since the beginning of the relationship.  He only admitted after one of the girls he's been talking to sent me a message on Instagram.  She sent me all the receipts, and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.

I asked him about it immediately.  He was at work and I was yelling and screaming at him as you can imagine.  He told me he couldn't talk because he was working, so I waited for him to get to my house.  He confessed after two hours of me crying.  I've never felt this low in my life.

He is asking me to forgive him and he promised he would stop cheating.  I don't know what to do. I love him.  I had no idea he was cheating.  I was happy with him. I don't understand how this is happening.

Do you think I should try to work it out and give him a chance?

Signed,
Heartbroken

Is He Cheating?: Discover How to Identify Signs of Cheating + How to Catch a Cheater in 5 Easy Steps

 Is He Cheating?: Crack The Cheat Code And Find Out RIGHT NOW If He Is Cheating Or Not, Why He Cheats, What You Need To Do Next - Dating Advice for Women (Surviving Infidelity in Marriage Book 1)

WISY's Advice:

Dear Heartbroken,

There is something terribly wrong with this relationship, and I honestly don't feel like you should reconcile.  Here's why:

First, he has been lying to you and cheating on you from the very beginning.  The fact that you didn't know just proves that he is a pro at deception.  Someone who hides bad deeds so easily is dangerous.  You never know what else he's hiding.

Second, for him to cheat consistently throughout your relationship is a sign that he has some personal issues that he needs to address before trying to be anyone's man.  His need to be so deeply involved with someone other than you is not a reflection of your lack of anything (as many would think).  Instead, he is either an attention whore, struggling to feel powerful, or something along those lines.  You or anyone outside of him will never be enough until he deals with his voids within.

Third, ask yourself what you'll need to recover from his dishonesty and betrayal.  Will you be able to trust him or are you going to be worried about his every move from here on out?  

The foundation of the relationship is unstable.  It will be difficult to positively build upon it, but if you're the die hard, ride or die type, trod on.  I would suggest you give him some time to heal his inner wounds.  You can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.  Remember that.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

  

Should I Get Back with my Ex?

Dear WISY,

My boyfriend and I were living together and were together for five years before we split up.  He decided to have a talk with me about our issues and our future and I took it the wrong way and we broke up.  After that, we fixed things and were fine until he said something that annoyed me and I told him we weren’t even together.  From that point, everything went downhill.  He was barely home, we barely spoke.  I moved out because he spoke to my father about me leaving.  This was in October. 

After that, we still talked and he made it seem like we’d fix things, but then he said he didn’t want to because I’d have random fits where I’d be mean to him and he said he couldn’t deal with me being that way to him anymore. 

He dated a girl who used to be my friend and lied to me about it, then after I accepted it he told me he needed to talk to me.  He said he made a mistake, that he has no real connection with her, and that he just wanted to see if someone more like him could be a better match, but she wasn’t.  He said he was sorry and understands if I don’t want to fix things.

I’m at a loss at what to do, he’s never done anything like this before.  He’s always been extremely faithful and completely truthful.  This is the first time he’s ever done anything like this.  I want to fix things with him but I’m not sure if I’ll be making a mistake.  Could you please advise me in the best way you can?

Signed,
A Lost Gal

The Complete Player: A Neurological Description of the LOVE GAME Between the Player and his Mark

The Logical Journal: Change your thoughts and transform your LIFE.

WISY's Response:

Dear ALG,

It sounds like you two still have a deep connection.  It sounds like it may be something worth working out, but there is some work to be done before you proceed.  I see that attempts to discuss issues prior to this didn't end well.  Try it again with the guidance of a counselor or a trusted person with experience.  This cycle will continue if you do not address "taking it the wrong way", "random fits", and "being mean".  

I'm guessing that your guy opted to date an ex friend of yours as retaliation with hopes that you would feel the type of pain he felt that led him to step away from your relationship.  When he saw that you accepted the situation, he came forth with the intentions of talking things through to re-establish your relationship.  Though this was an immature and damaging move, I don't see that relationship being anything outside of a cry for attention.

There are better ways to communicate with each other.  Couples' therapy will give you the proper tools to do so and further insight as to whether you two can move forward or leave things as is.  I genuinely believe things can work if you two put in the emotional and psychological work required.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

My Husband is Acting Strange

Dear WISY,

I need advice.  I hope you are old enough to help me out (smile).  Please do not reveal my identity.

I am not sure what to do about my husband.  He has become someone who I don't recognize.  He has reconnected with his childhood friends through social media.  He is in his 50s and he is now behaving like he is a teenager.  Our children are in college and he is partying more than they are.  I am nervous because my husband was extremely careless in his youth.  He caused me a lot of pain because of his affairs with other women.  We have overcome all of that and now he is on the path to repeating history.  I am worried about my marriage.  I do not want to go through that again.

I have spoken to him about it, but it seems the more I talk, the longer he stays out.  He said I have nothing to worry about, but my gut is telling me otherwise.  I really hope you are able to give some insight and help me through these difficult times.  I am not willing to separate or divorce.  That's out of the question.

Signed,
Worried Wife

The Logical Journal: Change your thoughts and transform your LIFE.

The Complete Player: A Neurological Description of the LOVE GAME Between the Player and his Mark

WISY's Advice:

Dear WW,

This is text book mid-life crisis.  Your husband has gained his second wind of youth.  Given his past, I can understand your negative emotions attached to this familiar behavior, but since you are adamant about staying together, the best advice I have for you is to ride the wave.  Find your second wind also!  Get out and have fun!  The kids are in college.  Take this opportunity to do the things you haven't had the freedom to do all these years!

Also, try to change your communication method.  Your delivery may be the problem.  You've been married to him all these years, so you should know the most effective way to communicate with him.  Approaching the conversation with the intention of understanding and not gaining control is, in my opinion, the best route.

I hope this all works out for the best!

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

My Sugar Daddy is Jealous

Dear WISY,

I am twenty-two, in college (senior), and I have an older man who helps me out financially.  I came to college without any support from my family.  In fact, I'm the first to go to college,  and I was discouraged by my family to come here.  I honestly have nothing in common with my family.  I feel like an outsider all the time.  I made sure I had good grades in high school to get accepted to a good college away from home.

Shortly after my sophomore year started, I met this guy.  He's wealthy and made me an offer I couldn't refuse.   He's married with a family, but been taking good care of me ever since.  I will have no debt when I graduate and I will have a home to call my own with a new car as my graduation gift.  He's been really good to me. 

I met this guy around my age a few weeks ago.  He is amazing!  I've slept with him on numerous occasions, we go out and party, we talk about our lives, we talk about our past, we are inseparable right now.  I feel bad for lying to him when I have to go see my older guy, but I can't leave my older guy until I finish school.  I know that sounds bad, but I need his help.
  

Successful Women Think Differently: 9 Habits to Make You Happier, Healthier, and More Resilient

Somehow, my older guy has found out about the new guy.  He told me to leave him or he will cut me off, but my new guy wants to make it official.  I keep delaying the conversation, but I know that he's going to put the pressure on me soon.  How do I make this work?  I wish this new guy came into my life after the spring!


Signed,
Sugar Baby 

📷: pixabay.com

WISY's Response:

Dear Sugar Baby,

I think you already know that "making it work" is not realistic.  You have to decide which is worth more to you.  Is financial stability and gifts without true happiness with your companion worth more than genuine love and happiness?  

Chakra Healing: A Beginner's Guide to Self-Healing Techniques that Balance the Chakras 
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I don't think it's such a bad idea to build something genuine and begin to make things happen for yourself instead of relying on your sugar daddy.  I think you're capable of making moves on your own.  You proved that when you ventured out and made it to college without the support of your family.

I hope you can live in your truth sooner than later.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

 

Does He Like Me?

Dear WISY,

I really like this guy I just met at happy hour a few weeks ago.  We've been texting back and forth, flirting with each other; you know, all the small talk of getting to know each other, but he hasn't asked me out yet.  

I really like him.  He checks all the boxes!  He talks to me every day, but he has never suggested that we meet up or anything, even when we have phone sex!  I'm not sure what to think.  I think he really likes me, but if he did, wouldn't he be asking me out?  I am so confused.  I could ask him what's up, but I'm not that bold.

What do you think it is?

Signed,
Ready for the Next Level

The Complete Player: A Neurological Description of the Love Game Between the Player and his Mark 

By Bruce Bryans Make Him BEG For Your Attention: 75 Communication Secrets For Captivating Men To Get The Love And Co [Paperback] 

WISY's Response:

Dear RFTNL,

Hmmm...if a guy is into you, he usually makes it a point to let you know.  So, there could be several things going on here.  He may have situations or issues that he hasn't discussed with you which would not allow for dating.  He could be oblivious to the fact that you want to take it past sexting and phone sex.  He could be content with the current situation, or he may be shy.  The best thing for you to do is ask.  If you're too shy to ask, then hint aggressively.

It's okay to take the lead if you want to date someone.  Gender roles have taught us to stay within our traditional limits, but it won't reflect negatively on your character if you decide to be up front with him.  Go for it.  You need to know what you're dealing with.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

My Girlfriend is Nasty!

Dear WISY,

Please keep me private.  I recently moved in with my girlfriend and she's nasty.  I don't know how I didn't know this before, but she is not a clean woman.  She doesn't clean on a daily basis.  I am continually cleaning the kitchen every night because I was raised to do that.  I work and come home to her not doing anything, but the kitchen sink is full of dishes and the floor is dirty.  Another thing, she doesn't shower every day.  I asked her about that, and she told me that she doesn't shower every day in the winter time. I don't know if I can deal with a nasty woman.  She is sexy and beautiful and intelligent, but she has some nasty habits.  Is this normal girl stuff?  It's my first serious relationship, so I really don't know.  My sisters and mom are not like this.

Signed,
She's Nasty

It's Not You, It's Us: A Guide for Living Together Without Growing Apart

The New Love Deal: Everything You Must Know Before Marrying, Moving In, or Moving On!
WISY's Advice:

Dear She's Nasty,

Communicate.  Let her know that her habits are disturbing to you.  These behaviors are not gender specific.  This is not normal girl stuff, this is individual preference/upbringing, so communication will help you both navigate through your differences.  I can understand your concern of her not showering every day, but understand that that's her norm and she may have been raised to practice that habit, just like you were raised to do otherwise.  In your communication, be mindful of that.  Who knows, your talk may prompt her to begin better hygiene practices (I hope this happens!).

Energy Work - Heal, Cleanse And Strengthen Your Aura

To remedy the cleaning issue, it's fair for you two to establish a cleaning schedule and/or designated cleaning areas.  Splitting the cleaning load to present a clean home on a daily basis should be understood (at least, I hope so!).  

In the end, if love can't blind you from these things then move out and move on.  Get to know someone more intimately before you shack up next time.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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