He's not my Real Dad

Dear WISY,

I'm so angry and hurt right now.  I'm 24 years old and just found out that I've been living a lie my entire life.  The man I grew up with in my home is not my father!  I found out because my grandmother told me.  She's on her dying bed and said she has always wanted to tell me but my mother begged her not to.  She said that she doesn't think my dad (well, the man who thinks he's my dad) knows and that I should use my discretion as to whether I want to tell him or not.

I am so angry with my mother for this and I confronted her about it.  She broke down after trying to lie about it and confessed that my real father is a man she was entertaining when she first met my father.  She said my father was a man of promise and ambition and my real father lacked any good qualities but she ended up pregnant by him.  She said she wasn't sure until I was born and when she saw my face, she knew who my father was but she let the wrong man sign my birth certificate.  She explained that our lives would have been very different if she hadn't done what she did and told me I should be grateful and that I would never understand because I am not a mother yet.

Honestly, I don't know what to do.  I love my father with all my heart!  I am his first child and only daughter and the bond we share is something special.  He is an amazing man and I strive to find a husband like him when the time is right.  I'm also curious to know who my biological father is and what traits, if any, I have inherited from him.  I'm also going to ask him to take a DNA test with me so I can be sure.  If the results come back positive, I don't know how I'll deal with that.  I do not want to hurt my dad.

I don't want to ask my friends about this yet, I'm very embarrassed so please help me get through this.  Please keep me anonymous.

Signed,
Call Maury

WISY's Response:

Dear Call Maury,

This breaks my heart and deep down inside, I'm hoping that your mother was mistaken and the correct man signed your birth certificate.  Through all of this mess, I don't want you to break the bond with the man you know as your father.  I think losing his relationship with you would hurt him more than knowing he raised a child who isn't blood related to him.

Your mother thought she was doing what was best for the both of you.  She saw what this man could provide for you and made a decision to live a lie.  This, along with other selfish decisions, almost never results in a happy ending and I wish women would stop doing this.  In this day of easy access to DNA testing, it's better to endure whatever obstacles you think will result with the true paternity than to have it leaked later in life and cause a mess of hurt and pain and the embarrassment you were trying to avoid in the first place.

I think it's important to know who your biological family is for medical reasons and also because you don't want to end up getting romantically involved with your family member so, if your test results return and reveal that your father isn't who you thought it was, you should have your mother break the news to both men.  She is the one who caused all this so she needs to be front and center to take responsibility for her actions.  You've endured enough hurt as it is.  

Remember, he's been your father all your life and nothing will ever change that.  Blood is not what makes us family; it's the people who love us unconditionally and support us through thick and thin who we should consider our family.  At this point in your life you should think of your biological father as a bonus.  He's someone else to stand in your corner.  When the shock begins to wear off and the anger eases, try to have fun learning him and discovering a whole new portion of your family tree!  Eventually, I hope you all can come together in harmony.  

I wish you all the best.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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If you or anyone you know needs advice, please email us at DearWISY@gmail.com.  All identities are kept confidential.