When I was younger, I witnessed my mother's boyfriend beat her on a regular basis. We lived in the Caribbean but now live in London. I find that Caribbean men beat their women too much and people accept it as nothing. Anyway, I used to run and hide until one day she cried out for me to help her. He was really beating the sh!t out of her this time and I ran from my room and kicked him right in the back of his head. His head then jolted forward and hit my mother's head. I can remember him groaning from the pain and I can remember my mum's forehead swelling into a massive bump immediately. He stopped beating her and tried to slap me but I was a swift child, he couldn't catch me.
After he left the house feeling defeated by a 10 year old, my mother looked in the mirror and saw her face. Mind you, she had swollen lips and a black eye but she was more upset about the knot on her forehead that I supposedly caused. She gave me the beating of my life that day and a lecture that left me feeling guilty for the whole situation. I was just a child and I only wanted to please my mum.
I'm now 32 and I hate men. I've hated them my entire life, actually. I decided that I would not date men and began dating women. I'm not a lesbian so this didn't work out at all. I decided to give men a try and found fulfillment. I'm currently with my boyfriend for a year now but I have become such a monster and every time we argue, I put my hands on him. I don't know how to argue without beating him. He tries to restrain me but I always overpower him and beat him until I'm satisfied.
I know I have a problem, please help me.
Signed,
Man Beater
Dear Man Beater,
This is incredibly sad. I'm glad you realize you have a problem and want to change.
It's clear to me that the abuse toward your boyfriend is a direct reflection of what you witnessed as a child. Understandably, your respect for men is minimal and you are dealing with domestic conflict the only way you've been taught. Symbolically, you have placed your boyfriend in the position of your mother's boyfriend and you probably feel a sense of accomplishment after you assault him since your actual accomplishment that day was reduced to guilt.
The guilt your mother placed on you was unfair and misdirected and you need to know that. I believe your haste to be abusive in difficult situations with this man is because you are still trying to rid yourself of the feeling of failure. Truthfully, the only one who failed in that situation was your mother. She failed to protect you from such a violent environment and failed to see the damage she would cause by not taking responsibility for the situation she created and most of all, she failed to thank you for stopping her boyfriend from beating the life out of her. You saved her and for that you should not feel guilt but a sense of pride.
I don't condone your behavior but I am able to understand why you behave the way you do. The law is not so understanding. One day you may go too far and you may find yourself doing time in prison for domestic violence or something worse (God forbid!). So, before you end up in physical prison you need to break out of this mental prison and heal. Between you, your mother and your boyfriend, the therapist will have their hands full but you all can work through it together (or separately) and forgive each other in order to move on.
There's a saying that "hurt people, hurt people" but I think that only applies to the weak minded and serves as an excuse for their deplorable behavior. You know that your actions are wrong so I will leave you with an excerpt from one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou: "When you know better, you do better".
Here are some resources which may be helpful to you:
#TeamWISY
And I bet if he beat your ass one day, you would call the cops. Smh
ReplyDeleteSmh ... thts sad
ReplyDelete