Guess Who's Coming to Dinner!

Dear WISY,

Please help me out.  I am reeling right now!

Ok, so we had Thanksgiving dinner this past Thursday and I love this time of year when family and friends get together to have a good time and reconnect.  I was especially excited to see my favorite cousin.  She was excited to bring her new boo and I was dying to meet him also.  She didn't tell me who he was because she said she wanted to be sure that it was going to work out before she claimed him publicly.  I understood that.

Anyway, Thanksgiving night arrived and I was impatiently waiting for her to get to the house.  While I was waiting, I got a text message from her saying that she wants me to respect her relationship and not make a big deal over the guy because they are in love.  My mouth has no filter so I thought she was just warning me not to do the usual.  I really didn't think anything more about her text.

Anyway, the door opened and she walked in with the guy.  I just about had a heart attack!  This bitch walked in with my ex!  Not an ex from years ago who I couldn't care less about, but my most recent ex!  The guy she knew I would take back in a heartbeat!  She knew I was still trying to get over our break up from earlier this year.  She had the nerve to bring HIM to our family's dinner!  The whole family was shocked!

She tried to explain herself, but the guy left out of the front door, obviously very uncomfortable and the bitch went running after him.  We can see who she really cares about!  Needless to say, Thanksgiving was a mess.  I got drunk and sent hateful messages to the both of them.  

I am HURT!  I don't know how to recover from this.  I loved the both of them and they hurt me like this.  I have no appetite, and I just want to fight them!  And now the bitch wants to talk.  She's been calling and texting me non-stop apologizing and begging to talk.  I don't know if I should talk to her after this.  What should I do?  I want to get over this whole thing like now! 

Signed,
Betrayed Cousin

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Betrayed Cousin,

WOW!!  I'm sorry that what was supposed to be a joyous occasion turned out this way.  That is indeed hurtful.  I'd really like to know how your cousin thought introducing her new relationship in this manner was a good idea. 

So, she obviously broke a couple unspoken codes, but in all reality, we can't stop people from doing what they want to do.  Instead, you have to choose how you interact with people and choose the things you will and will not tolerate.  I would advise you to approach the relationship with caution from now on.  Also, I think you should talk with her and let her know how badly she hurt you.  You are not obligated to rekindle the relationship, but I think it will help you to get it all out.  This will remove the desire to physically harm her, and most important, it'll help you feel better.  Try not to let anger overcome your conversation so that you are able to completely discharge your feelings towards her with her full understanding.  Remember, you'll likely see her at family functions.  The goal is to achieve civility between the two of you.  Anything which comes after that will be dependent upon time, actions, and YOU.

As far as your ex is concerned, I get the feeling that he knew he would hurt you and was somewhat driven by that fact to become seriously involved with your cousin.  I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I'm getting.  Leave him to his own obvious misery.  Don't fight him either.  His little ego is probably severely bruised by the unwelcome reception at dinner.  

Talk about it as much as you need to until you can laugh about it.  It'll take time, but you'll be okay.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Help! My Son is Killing Me!

Dear WISY,

I am hoping you can help me figure out what I should do with my son who is causing me to be in a continuous state of stress and depression. I am a 60-year old single mother. I have been raising my son on my own since his birth. My son is now 28 and he has a lot of issues.

When he was a teenager, he was accused of raping a girl a few years younger than him. He was never charged because the girl admitted that it was consensual and her parents forced her to say it was rape. Even though he was not charged, that brought me a lot of stress. I didn't know he was having sex.

A few years ago he met this girl who was controlling him. She was a bad influence on my son. She got him caught up in robbery and assault. He spent 5 years in prison for his involvement in her crimes.  While in prison he was assaulted.  He became depressed and was prescribed mental health medication.

Now he's out of prison, he is still depressed.  He doesn't want to go back to school, he doesn't want to work.  He wants to get high and drink every day.  I don't know what to do. I am suffering from high blood pressure and anxiety. I am afraid to leave him in my house alone because of who he might bring there and what he might do.  My son is killing me!  I need help! I can't afford anything outside of my personal upkeep.  I appreciate your time. Thank you.

Signed,
Desperate Mother

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WISY's Response:

Dear Desperate Mother,

😔 I'm sorry that you're going through this with your son. This breaks my heart.

The first thing that came to mind is family therapy.  That's why I asked where you lived. Fortunately for you, your location has family services for low income households. I've provided you with a service provider which I believe to be morally organized with professionals who are knowledgeable in areas that relate to your situation. Please, please, please contact them ASAP.

Explain to your son that you want to begin a healing process alongside him.  Ask him about his goals and dreams, and explain that talking to someone will help him overcome his hurdles and achieve those goals.  Be honest with him and gently tell him that you're hurting because he's hurting.  That may be an accelerant for change within him.  Empathize with him, shower him with love.  His healing will heal you.  I've also included training programs that include wrap around services for your son. These programs will give him a sense of purpose while teaching him a trade.  

You also need to begin taking care of yourself!  As a mother, I understand that we neglect our needs for our children, but you have to place some responsibility on your son.  He's 28.  Yes, he's had a troubled past and I'm assuming that his father is still absent because you didn't mention him, but you can't allow him to "kill" you.  Take your health and wellness seriously.  Taking care of yourself won't diminish your love for your son or your devotion as a mother.

I am hoping for the absolute best for you and your son.  Let's keep in touch.  I'm here to help.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Is This a Lost Cause?

Dear WISY,

Please block my name and picture.  I've been "dating" this guy for two years.  Unfortunately I met, let's call him J, three months after he got out of a 9 year relationship that ended with him being really hurt in the end.  So anyway, from the beginning he's been up front that he's not looking to jump into anything which I totally understand.  Over the two years, things have progressed and we've gotten closer.  We've gone on trips, adventures, weekly dates, little traditions, he cooks for me, plans surprises, he's met my family and I've met friends of his from his hometown (he's not originally from NY) and spoken to his family (they're out of state), he's spoken about kids, he's extremely kinky in bed and I'm down for exactly what he's into, we have had threesomes and played with other couples, and over this period of time there's been no title.

We go through cycles where we get really close then all of a sudden he does something to fuck it up.  Mind you, I'm far from stupid, I'm sure he does his thing here and there.  We've had multiple arguments about where we stand and what we are because at this point it seems like it's progressing and I feel like I have the right to know where I stand.  I'm getting to the age where I want to start a family.  I've told him things are over after each of these arguments and after a few days he contacts me apologizing.  When I bring up anything about what makes it look like a relationship, he plays it off like it's nothing out of the norm.  We had a fight about a  week ago and he blurted out "maybe we spend too much time together".  Mind you, we've only spent time together over the last two months if he asked because I've started pulling back.  Since that fight I've gone silent and haven't seen him when he asks to see me.  Is this a lost cause or something to try to work through after all this time???

Signed,
What Are We?

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WISY's Advice:
Dear WAW,

I don't think this is necessarily a lost cause.  I just think that "J" hasn't allowed himself enough time to heal.  He's still holding on to whatever hurt him from his previous relationship, and he needs to address the reason(s) why commitment is a trigger for him to run away.

Although he told you that he wasn't ready to jump into anything serious, I can understand how two years with all that you've been through together could cause you to want to make things official.  However, you have been allowing him to straddle the fence and he will continue to do so until you break the pattern you've created.  It's good that you've ceased communication for now.  Continue to keep your space until J can confront and conquer his issues.  After some time apart, you both will be clear on what you want. 

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

She Left Me

Dear WISY,

My girlfriend just broke up with me.  We were together for almost a year.  We met while on a business trip and we hit it off immediately.  I moved to her city to be with her.  I did this even though my family told me it wasn't a good idea.  I fell hard for her.  I was following my heart and I was about to propose to her on Christmas day, but now she's gone.  

I asked her what the problem was and she told me that she's tired of me being too "perfect".  She said that I don't excite her like the guys she's used to dating.  She said that I'm not hood enough for her.  We are both Ivy League graduates with careers that have nothing to do with being thug.  She never showed me that side of her and all of a sudden she hits me with this.

This hit me hard, but I'll be okay.  I just want to know if I should ask her for half of my moving costs?  She's the one who convinced me to move out here and promised a future together.

Signed,
Too Perfect

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Too Perfect,

Sure, you can ask for half of the moving costs, but the real question is - will she give it to you?  In my opinion, I think you should just cut your losses and move on.  Asking for that money could potentially subject you to drama and ridicule which could affect you negatively.  If you feel strongly about this, then go ahead and ask, but remember you're not entitled to it.  If you were married, you could possibly get a court ordered payment, but that's not the case here.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Is She Texting My Man?

Dear WISY,

I have a feeling that my boyfriend is creeping with my half sister.  I recently connected with her after my father got sick and called for all his children to unite.   Anyway, she met my man and I got a funny feeling immediately.  She was commenting about how fine he is and telling me how lucky I am.  It made me uncomfortable.

Fast forward to last week at my birthday dinner.  First of all, I was annoyed with my sister for trying to be in complete control of everything.  She was rubbing my guests the wrong way with her uppity attitude.  On top of that, she was all over my man! She was feeding him and flirting with him.  I asked him to stop entertaining her mess, but he thought it was hilarious and continued letting her feed him.  They ruined my birthday.

Later that night I saw his phone.  She was texting him saying she wishes she could cross the line but I'm family and that's a no no. For the past couple nights he's been coming in later, not wanting sex, just acting different.

I've been trying to get to his phone but I can't. I have a feeling they are creeping.  Does it seem that way or am I crazy?

Signed,

Suspicious Sis

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WISY's Response:

Dear SS,

Both your sister and boyfriend displayed concerning behavior.  Are they creeping?  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I would need more details to say for sure.  If you're that suspicious about it, confront them.  Invite them both to dinner, express your gripes concerning their behavior, and let them know that you saw the messages.  You should have a better idea about what's going on after you speak with them.  You should know your boyfriend well enough to know when he isn't being truthful.  Also, observe their behavior after the discussion.  Overcompensation usually means guilt.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

 

Was He Cheating with Her?

Dear WISY,

I need your advice, please.  I recently got out of an 8-year relationship.  I decided to leave my relationship because he was not serious enough about us.  He was just happy existing the way we have been for years.  I don't think he ever had the intention to marry me or have children with me.  He just wasted my time.  Anyway, I moved on and I am really enjoying single life.

I will admit that I have been stalking my ex's Facebook page.  I check up on him everyday because a part of me misses him.  I guess it's because I became used to him being around.  I checked his page yesterday and I saw that he changed his relationship status to being in a relationship with this girl who he swore was just a friend.  Seeing that took all of the joy I have been feeling these past few months.  I feel jealous and I feel like a fool.  I want to reach out to him and figure out if he had been seeing her all along.  I feel like she was the reason why he never moved forward with me.

Do you think he was cheating all along?  Should I ask him about it?

Signed,
Need to Know

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WISY's Advice:

Dear NTK,

No, don't ask him.  What he may have done while in a relationship with you is irrelevant at this point.  Remember, you decided to move on because you were unhappy.  Keep going.  Don't allow your ego to interrupt the joy you were feeling since leaving.  Keep enjoying your single life until you decide to become involved with someone who is more compatible with you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY
 

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I Don't Want to be in Her Wedding

Dear WISY,

I need advice, please.  My friend is getting married next spring and she asked me to be a part of the wedding.  I am really excited about the wedding and I'm really happy for her.  The only issue is, she's including a girl who has been horrible to the both of us.  She just got around to apologizing for all her crazy behavior and my friend sees it fit for her to be a part of the bridal party.  I honestly don't want to be a part of the wedding anymore.  I haven't forgiven this girl yet.  The things she did and said really hurt me.  I'm just not over it yet.  My question to you is:  Should I excuse myself from the wedding party?  I really don't want to bring any negative vibes to what should be a loving situation.

Signed,

Bridesmaid

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Bridesmaid,

I think you should grow up and put your feelings aside for what will possibly be the most important day of your friend's life.  It's not your wedding.  If she has forgiven someone for past offenses then you should not project your feelings into that situation.  I understand that you're struggling to forgive this girl, but excusing yourself in itself is bringing negativity to the situation.  Think about the consequences of your actions and stop being so selfish.  Your friend chose you to be a part of her special day.  Don't ruin it.  No one is asking you to become bosom buddies with the girl, just put your big girl panties on and behave like a sensible adult.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

 

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I Caught Him!

Dear WISY, 

I walked in on my man masturbating to some girl on girl porn. It's not a big deal but it is for me because he hasn't had sex with me in almost 2 months.  I've been asking him for sex. I've actually been begging him to have sex and he keeps turning me down.  He tells me that he's tired or he's stressed.  He told me he has no sex drive. I believed him so I was shocked when I woke up from a nap and saw him pleasuring himself to the sight of these two women who look nothing like me. 

I confronted him and he told me that he just got the urge to do it.  He then told me that he was actually no longer attracted to me because I'm now boring and I need to do something about my appearance.  I'm so hurt.  After being with him for a year, I may have gained a few pounds and I admit I am consumed with work and not my appearance, but how shallow can he be??  He also said I don't do anything to stimulate him anymore. 

I'm shocked by all of this. I don't want to lose him, but I'm hurt. I want to get back to the old me but I am pursuing my career and I am just really focused. How can I balance both? Please help! I need advice, please.

Signed,

Hurt

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Hurt,

It's unfortunate that your boyfriend's feelings had to spill out in this manner.  Communication surrounding his issues should've occurred prior to this incident in the form of a heart to heart conversation.  I can understand that you're hurt, but in all honesty, it seems you have become more concerned with your career pursuits and have neglected the things in your relationship which initially drew you two together.  

If you become consumed by work, then you must expect your relationship to suffer because you have replaced the stimulating things you used to do with activities for your career.  I'm not saying that pursuing your career is a negative thing, I'm saying that it comes at a cost.  Further, if you don't have the type of partner who understands the effort it takes to fulfill your goals, you end up with what you're facing now.

So, think about the future and all your goals.  Is this the right partner to accompany you on that journey?  Is getting back to the old you going to jeopardize your quest to fulfill those goals?  Think about how much more of your time your career pursuits will take.  Talk to your boyfriend about it.  If he can't hang on for the duration, let him go.  If he can, get him involved in your vision, and find the time for yourself and for him.

Just so you know, someone who truly loved you would not treat you this way.  I think he's already checked out and ready to move on.  You should prepare for that.  Try your hardest not to allow his departure to deter you.  A more emotionally attached, supportive man will come at the right time.  Don't even sweat it.  You're too beautiful and intelligent for that! 😍

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I'm Catching Feelings

Dear WISY,

I'm a 21-year old guy who needs help. I'm seeing this girl and she is not my type. I slept with her because I was playing wing man for my friend and it turned into something more than I intended.  I really like her, but like I said, she's not my type. I enjoy hanging with her and everything but she's getting too hype. She wants to go out together now. I don't want to tell her no because I like her and don't want to lose her company. I just don't want my friends to make a joke about the situation. I feel some type of way. How can I tell her the truth without hurting her? Like I said, I really like her and I like her company a lot. I know I sound like a jerk, but I'm just being honest. Help me out.

Signed,

Unintentional

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Unintentional,

You're immature, but I respect the fact that you reached out for help with this situation.  You should stop saying "she's not your type"; clearly she is. What you should say is, "she's not the fantasized type popularized by your friends and the influential components in your life". 

You obviously value this girl. You enjoy her company, she took you by surprise and blew your mind. Why lose all of that for what people may think? If they are really your friends, they will respect her if you are honest about your feelings and they see that she makes you happy. Once they see how much you value her, they will follow suit. If they don't,  oh well. Your friends can't do for you what she can. 😉

In time, you'll learn that living for people and worrying about the opinions of others will cost you your happiness.  Always travel the route which will lead to a destination of peace of happiness which suits your life.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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Did He Cheat While I Was Pregnant?

Dear WISY,

I found out that my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant.  I don't believe it, but a part of me is wondering if it could be true.  I was told by his friend after they had an argument.  It seems the brotherhood is over because he called and told me something so severe.

Our baby is now three months old.  I had no idea that my husband was cheating on me.  He never treated me differently.  In fact, he treated me better than he ever had before.  I don't know if his friend is lying to me because he wants my husband to suffer.  It is just unbelievable.

A part of me wants to leave it alone and another part wants to confront my husband.  What do you think is best?

Signed,

Cheated

WISY's Advice:

Dear Cheated,

If you find that you can't shake the feeling of your husband possibly cheating, then speak with his friend again and ask for more information.  If you're convinced that the information is truthful then you can determine if a confrontation is needed.  Cheating is bad enough, but cheating while you were pregnant is a sign of complete disregard for your safety and that of your unborn baby.  Personally, I'd want to know the truth.  

Hopefully the friend is lying and this is all a desperate plot to inflict pain on your family.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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