Dear WISY,
Please block my name and picture. I've been "dating" this guy for two years. Unfortunately I met, let's call him J, three months after he got out of a 9 year relationship that ended with him being really hurt in the end. So anyway, from the beginning he's been up front that he's not looking to jump into anything which I totally understand. Over the two years, things have progressed and we've gotten closer. We've gone on trips, adventures, weekly dates, little traditions, he cooks for me, plans surprises, he's met my family and I've met friends of his from his hometown (he's not originally from NY) and spoken to his family (they're out of state), he's spoken about kids, he's extremely kinky in bed and I'm down for exactly what he's into, we have had threesomes and played with other couples, and over this period of time there's been no title.
We go through cycles where we get really close then all of a sudden he does something to fuck it up. Mind you, I'm far from stupid, I'm sure he does his thing here and there. We've had multiple arguments about where we stand and what we are because at this point it seems like it's progressing and I feel like I have the right to know where I stand. I'm getting to the age where I want to start a family. I've told him things are over after each of these arguments and after a few days he contacts me apologizing. When I bring up anything about what makes it look like a relationship, he plays it off like it's nothing out of the norm. We had a fight about a week ago and he blurted out "maybe we spend too much time together". Mind you, we've only spent time together over the last two months if he asked because I've started pulling back. Since that fight I've gone silent and haven't seen him when he asks to see me. Is this a lost cause or something to try to work through after all this time???
Signed,
What Are We?
WISY's Advice:
Dear WAW,
I don't think this is necessarily a lost cause. I just think that "J" hasn't allowed himself enough time to heal. He's still holding on to whatever hurt him from his previous relationship, and he needs to address the reason(s) why commitment is a trigger for him to run away.
Although he told you that he wasn't ready to jump into anything serious, I can understand how two years with all that you've been through together could cause you to want to make things official. However, you have been allowing him to straddle the fence and he will continue to do so until you break the pattern you've created. It's good that you've ceased communication for now. Continue to keep your space until J can confront and conquer his issues. After some time apart, you both will be clear on what you want.
Walk good,
#TeamWISY
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