I am #TeamSideChick!

Dear WISY, 

I've been a side chick for the past 5 years, and I read your letter today and got angry.  Sometimes men are trapped by guilt and don't want to leave their wives because of kids, but they really do love the side woman. 

My man cries every single night when he has to go back home.  He doesn't even have sex with his wife. He loves me and I love him but sometimes people who are in love can't be together. It's not always black and white so stop trying to speak for the men who have side chicks.  He could really love her. 

Being a side chick has its ups and downs but I'm happy with my man and I know where he his if he isn't with me - most of you all can't say that.  Because he knows I'm holding on even though he's married I get lots of gifts.  I just got a new Benz so stay over there and keep judging me while I'm sitting pretty. 

Signed,
#TeamSideChick! 

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WISY's Response:

Dear #TSC,

I see I've struck a nerve.  I appreciate and welcome your letter.  I'll use this opportunity to help you come to a realization.

So you're telling me that material items fill the void your man leaves when he goes home to his wife and children?  I don't believe that.  At some point you will need fulfillment on a spiritual level, and deep down inside I believe you have come to that realization, but are putting up this facade.  

You stated that you got angry.  That speaks volumes.  You know you're on the short end of the stick and that letter was a reminder.  You're probably disappointed in yourself and you may be afraid that you will never have the man you love in his entirety.  I would be angry too.  However, I would drive as far away as I could in that brand new Benz, disappear into the sunset and give thanks that I didn't hold on until it was too late.  

I hope I've been a beacon of light for you.  Besides, there are many men that can provide exclusivity and perks!  Stop selling yourself short and hop on the #TeamWifey train! 😉

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Don't Want to be the Side Chick Anymore

Dear WISY,  

I've been with my man for 12 years and I am tired of the situation we're in. My man is married and I always have to play second fiddle, but I'm the one he loves. His wife just has the money from her family inheritance. They live in a big house with a pool and nice cars They also own a restaurant in downtown (location withheld). 

I want him for me.  I told him to divorce her and get alimony because he stays home with the kids so he can easily get custody of those boys.  I told him I'm giving him until the end of June to tell her or else I'm telling everything. 

I've been pregnant 3 times.  One time I miscarried, and the other times I had an abortion. I want to have his child now and his wife is stopping us from being happy.  I went to my friend who said she could help me but she took my money and nothing happened.  I just want him for myself now and I'm tired of hiding for 12 years.  Do u think I'm wrong? 

He said he's going to leave her but he's been saying that for years. I'm a smart woman so I know he's just stringing me along but do you think he will eventually follow my advice? I want to know if I should start messing with these men who want me badly.  Please tell me if I should start f*#!@ these other men with money and forget about love.

Regards,
Sidey

WISY's Response:

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Dear Sidey,

I get letters like this one from time to time and I often wonder what your lovers are doing to make you settle for second place, especially in your case of 12 years.  I honestly would like to know.  Are you also reaping the benefits of the family money?  

Anyway, let's move on.  Do I think he will eventually follow your advice?  Why should he?  He's had you at his disposal for 12 years, he doesn't owe you anything, you don't have children with him, and you don't have the perks to offer like his wife does.  Plus, who's to say he's not in love with her?  Maybe he's just been saying that he doesn't just like he's been saying that he's going to leave her for you.  Wise up, "smart woman".  He's not going to leave his wife.

It's best you move on quietly.  Give yourself some time to accept that the relationship is over and then find a man to have a truly committed relationship with.  I'm sorry it took you this long to realize that you should consider the other men, but don't let money be your driving force.  Engage these men with intentions to love and have an open and honest relationship with - free from all the extracurricular drama.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

They Played Her!

Dear WISY,

Please let me know what you think about this situation. 

Last night I was out with my friends and we were all at a mutual friend’s house for a party.  This guy started talking to me and he got me a drink and we talked for a few hours.  The conversation was very good and that attracted me to him.  Anyway, in the middle of our conversation this girl came up and pinched his side.  He turned around and was very excited to see her.  He told me he would be right back and never came back.  The girl took all his attention for the rest of the night.

Later on, I was talking to another guy and he was cute and seemed well educated.  We started to dance after a while but I have to admit that my mind was still on the first guy.  I was kind of upset that he just disappeared like that.  Anyway, I played it off and let this new one entertain me.

By the end of the night, the new guy was all over me.  My friends were teasing me about how into me he was.  He asked me for my number and I gave it to him.  At this point, the first guy wasn’t on my mind anymore.  I was good with who I ended up with.  I was excited that I had a potential summer boo but anyway, my little excitement was gone in the blink of an eye because the first dude came over to us and started trouble.

He was asking Guy #2 what he was doing talking to me because he already “tagged” me.  He told Guy #2 that he had no business booed up with me all night because he saw him talking to me.  So Guy #2 told him that he lost his opportunity when he left to talk to the other girl.  I was nodding my head in agreement.  Guy #1 didn’t like me agreeing with him because he looked at me and started calling me derogatory names.  I thought Guy #2 would defend me but he didn’t say a word.  He just stood there looking like a fool.  My friends had to come up and defend me.

I left both of them standing there and I looked back just in time to see the both of them laughing and giving each other a pound.  I asked what that was about to one of my friends and she told me they were fraternity brothers so they can’t beef with each other.

What do you think about this situation?  And if Guy #2 calls, what should my approach be?

Signed,

I Feel Played

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Dear IFP,

It sounds like you stumbled upon two very immature little boys.  Leaving them where you met them is the best thing.

I think it's safe to say that Guy #1 is a douche and we don't need to spend any more time discussing him.  On to the next!

If Guy #2 was able to identify that Guy #1 left you hanging for the other girl and didn’t speak up more to defend you then let his call go to voicemail.  I don’t know how fraternity brother relationships work but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in their rule book that says they must stand by and watch their potential love interest be disrespected.

You’ve dodged a bullet here.  You don’t need those types of men in your life.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

He Wants Her to do What?!

Mature content. 18+ only.

Dear WISY,

Please help!  Keep my anonymous.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months and I told him that we could try something new when we got to this point.  I was expecting him to ask for a threesome or bondage but he wants me to toss his salad.

I told him I think that's nasty and I don't want to do it.  Now he's complaining that I didn't stay true to my word.  I am trying to put my mind to the task but I really don't think I can do that.

Do you think I'm overreacting?  I know people who do it and they don't have any bad experiences but I don't see myself doing that.  Also, do you think he's gay?

Signed,
Not Into It

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WISY's Advice:

Dear NII,

If you don't want to do it then don't.  I don't believe you should do something solely because you're being pressured.  In the end, you'll regret compromising your values and even begin to resent your boyfriend for persuading you to carry out an act that you're opposed to.

Is he gay?  No, he's not.  You're a woman, aren't you?  Is he freaky/kinky?  Absolutely.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

They Beat me Because...

Dear WISY,

Please help me with my relationship.  I met a guy a couple months ago and it was love at first sight for the both of us.  We became very close, very quickly and we are talking about taking it to the next step and moving in together.  This guy has everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and I guess I am the same for him.  I have never felt this way before and I was very happy for the first time in my life.

The other day, I got a phone call from a young lady who said she was my boyfriend’s woman.  I asked her to repeat herself because I couldn’t believe my ears.  She repeated herself and told me she wanted me and her to gang up on him and confront him together.  She said she wanted the both of us to stick together because we are women and men always take advantage of our kindness.

I agreed with what she said and went to meet her the day we planned.  When I got there, three girls ran up to me and jumped me.  I didn’t know who I was looking for but she knew me.  They ganged me and beat me up bad.  Today is my first day back at my house after a few days in the hospital.  I had to get stitches in three different parts of my lip, both of my eyes were black and blue and my face was swollen with knots all over.  I was told that some bystanders parted the fight and called an ambulance and the police.  I don’t remember any of that.  The girls were arrested and I have to go to the police station to identify them as my attackers.

My boyfriend has been by my side ever since and he keeps apologizing for what happened.  He told me that he left that girl for me and she didn’t like it.  He told me that she promised to find me and beat me.  He also told me that the other girls with his ex were his cousins who initially introduced them.  He told me they were manipulated and that I shouldn’t press charges against them but only the ex.  I feel like all of them should go to jail.  I did nothing to them.  He is begging me to not do it.  Do you think I should spare them and only charge the ex?

Signed,

Beaten

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WISY’s Response:

Dear Beaten,

These are the types of letters that make my blood boil.  Wooosaaaaaaaaah!

Every one of those girls deserves to spend some time behind bars for what they did to you.  They are all guilty of inflicting harm and could’ve left you with severe disabilities or worse, they could’ve killed you.   Don’t allow your boyfriend to persuade you towards anything different.  They plotted, schemed and attacked you – if he can’t see how vile and dangerous these girls are, then perhaps he needs a beat down to understand exactly what you’ve been through. 

Pump your brakes with this dude.  He doesn’t sound like the type of man who would remain loyal to you.  In your time of healing, he’s showing how selfish he can be.  He should be doing everything in his power to protect you and reassure you that you’re safe in his presence – even if that means teaching family a valuable life lesson.  He claims his ex manipulated his cousins but it seems he’s on a heavy manipulation campaign himself.

Go to the police station and be truthful about what happened.  If your boyfriend disagrees with that then send him on his way.  You don’t need a man like that in your life.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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OMG! He's so Annoying!

Dear WISY,

My boyfriend treats me like one of the guys.  I don't know if we're too comfortable with each other but he likes to punch my arm and wrestle me to the ground.  He's not romantic, he asks for sex in the most immature way and the thing that bothers me the most is when we go out, he flirts with other women and tells me how hot they are.  I've been pretending that all of this is not a big deal but I hate it.

I don't know how to make things go back to how they were in the very beginning of our relationship because he behaves so stupid and I know I might become annoyed with him and mess everything up.

How do I get things back how I need them?

Signed,
Annoyed

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WISY's Response:

Dear Annoyed,

It's great that you two have developed that level of comfort, it really is.  It's an amazing experience when your lover is also your best friend.  However, the absence of romance and maturity would be a turn off for me also.

You have to speak up and let your boyfriend know that you're uncomfortable being his homey and you need romance and a certain level of maturity.  I wouldn't recommend you to ask him to completely stop his behavior because that will place you all in a place of unrest and distrust.  He behaves that way with you because he completely trusts you and feels free to be himself - don't take that away, you'll regret it.  You should ask for compromise and try to maintain balance.  For example, tell him when he wants to get intimate, he should approach you with romance.  It doesn't have to be a huge, lavish production but his words and actions should be gentler and of the seductive nature.

Ultimately, you're to blame for this because of your decision to go along with it all as if you were okay with it.  I don't think you would be in this situation if you had spoken up initially.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

My Girlfriend is Acting Strange

Dear WISY,

I have been involved with my girlfriend for a year and 4 months and she is the love of my life.  I would do anything for my girl.  We were very happy until her ex moved back to the city where we live.  Ever since she came back, my girl has been acting different.

My girl doesn't want to do the things we used to do together anymore; she would rather do them alone.  She has started smoking cigarettes again and has started dressing in dark, grungy clothing.  She went from being this ray of sunshine to a muddy puddle.

When I ask her about the change, she tells me to stop trying to limit her.  I have a strong feeling that her ex is causing all of these changes.  My friends have told me that they see the two of them out together (at times when she was supposedly out alone), getting very close.  I asked her about that and she told me that she is being supportive because her ex struggles with PTSD.  I am very aware of the damaged vets who return home and have done work to help them out so she knows I have a soft spot for that.  I even suggested she bring her to a center I've worked with to help her manage her condition but my girl says her ex wants to recover on her own.

I fear my girl will go back to her ex because she treats me like the side chick and gives priority to her ex.  I don't know what to do.  Please help me.

Signed,
Heart Broken

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WISY's Response:

Dear HB,

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

Your girlfriend still has feelings for her ex and I want to believe their relationship paused while her ex was away and didn't actually end.  I'm sorry to say that it looks like your girlfriend has made her decision already but hasn't told you yet.

Have one more serious talk with her; express your concerns and call her out on her sudden change.  If she gives excuses then that's your queue to begin your exit and accept that she isn't willing to return to the ray of sunshine you knew.  If she acknowledges her strange behavior and sincerely makes an effort to quell your discomfort then you can give her the opportunity to prove herself, if you'd like.

Again, it seems to me like she's checked out and moved on.  I wouldn't put too much more effort into this if I were you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Won't Leave me Alone!

Dear WISY,

I have been with this guy for the past 5 years.  One year ago, he started seeing this younger girl and said it was his friend.  It's been a year now that we've been cussing and fighting over his "friend" who I begged him to stay away from.  

She's been going to his house and sleeping over when I am mad at him (he calls her over) and he started taking her to places we go, showing her the life he showed me.  Basically, he sleeps with me all weekend then calls her to sleep  with him the next day.

I keep telling him it's over because he doesn't seem to respect me anymore and he keeps coming  back saying I am reading him wrong.  This has been going on for a year now and I really can't take anymore.  To make matters worse, we work together and I don't want to go further like getting the police involved but I've reached my breaking point.  He's taking my kindness for weakness.  What do you think is the best way to handle this?

Signed,
Shy

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WISY's Response:

Dear Shy,

Sorry to hear you're going through this with your guy after 5 years.  You would think at this point, you could trust him and he would respect you.  I'm glad you recognize the need to break it off and not settle for the disrespect anymore.

Often times, women stay in relationships because we believe we can change people, other times, we stay because we feel the need to "win" the affection of the man to prove and validate ourselves to the other woman.  In doing this, we are actually showing the man that he can continue with his behaviors and we will always come back after he plays the same sorry tune over and over.

You should never settle for a man who will bring another woman to sleep with him because you had an argument.  Those actions prove his immaturity so it's best you leave him to be with the young girl.

I'm concerned because you mentioned not wanting to get the police involved.  That suggests to me that his behavior warrants police intervention.  If you feel threatened, then don't waste any more time arguing with him, call the police.  If not, I think the best way to handle this is to completely ignore him.  When at work, keep everything professional.  If he tries to divert from professional communication, get a supervisor or Human Resources representative involved.  If he approaches you outside of work, don't give him the satisfaction of your attention. 

Soon he'll realize that his days of playing ping pong with you and the other girl are over.  Hopefully, he's learned his lesson.  In the meantime, focus on remaining firm and strengthening your spirit to the point where no one can treat you like that again.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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I Can't Believe my Husband Did This!

Dear WISY,

I need help, please.  I’m a married woman and I have been with my husband now for 12 years but we’ve only been married for 2 years.  My husband is a nice man but he has wandering eyes and hands.  The other day, I overheard him in the garage telling his friend that he didn’t mean to get his side woman pregnant and now she’s refusing to abort the baby.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to faint, I wanted to beat him but all I could do was stand still.  It was like my feet couldn’t move.  I don’t have children and I don’t think I can have any but we have been saving money for fertility treatment.

Since that happened, it’s been 2 months and he’s been acting strange.  I keep asking him what’s going on and he says everything is fine but I know better.  I am hurting too, I don’t know what to do and I don’t want my husband to leave me for her.  You know babies can make men’s hearts soft and he might leave this childless home to be with his offspring.

I feel that if I ask him, it may speed up the process of him leaving and going there so as long as I remain the source of happiness and peace for him, he will stay here.  What’s your opinion on that strategy?  What do you think will happen when the baby is born? 

Please help, I need to prepare myself for what is to come.

Signed,

Worried Wife

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WISY’s Response:

Dear WW,

I’m all for loyalty and unconditional love but I can’t say I wholeheartedly agree with your logic.  Why don’t you tell him you know he has another woman pregnant?  I think getting it out in the open will be a sigh of relief for the both of you, no matter how painful this is.  If you’re adamant about keeping a cheating, careless man as your husband then you should tell him that he doesn’t need to worry; you’re not going to leave.  I'm sure he'll be relieved to hear that.

You should ask yourself the question about what will happen when the baby is born.  I couldn’t possibly suggest an answer for you.  Can you handle knowing your husband had a child with someone else?  Are you willing to allow him the time to be with his new baby? Are you going to be jealous that the side woman was able to produce with him and you haven't yet?

I’m concerned that you are continually neglecting your feelings and allowing the diminishment of respect your husband has for you.  When you speak with him, be sure to make some demands which will benefit you.  Be sure to have him fully make up for what he has done to you and also prepare for the possibility that he may leave but you have to get this thing out in the open.  The sooner you two discuss everything through, the better.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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My Parents Will be Upset When They Find Out

Dear WISY,

I grew up in the inner city area of a major city.  My daily life consisted of ducking from shootings, fighting, watching drug addicts shoot up in the streets and ratchet baby mamas yelling at their kids.  My parents were strong and cautioned me and my siblings about the streets and told us to work hard so we’d never have the stress of raising a family in an area like where I grew up.  My parents tried hard to get us out but weren’t successful so when it was time to go to college, I left and never intended to return.

I left the state and went to a school completely different to what I was accustomed to.  I was the minority on campus but that didn’t phase me.  I wasn’t treated badly and I quickly learned to relax and adjust to the safety that this new environment brought.  I also met someone and we fell for each other fast.

He’s white and I’m black and my family is against dating outside of our race because of a so called system but I don’t believe all of that and even if I did, I believe in the power of love more.  Anyway, my parents want me to come home for the summer but I don’t want to go back to dodging bullets and I especially don’t want to go back if I can’t bring my boyfriend to meet my parents.  I know they’ll be angry about it but I just don’t want to live that life anymore.

How do you tell pro black parents that you aren’t down for the cause anymore?

Signed,

Swirling

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WISY’s Response:

Dear Swirling,

I have several thoughts about your letter.  First, I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to return to that environment; I can’t fault you for that at all.  Second, I also believe that the power of love is greater than anything else in this Universe and you should be free to love whomever you want.  However, I am concerned that you are too comfortable with turning your back on your family after such a short time.  It makes me wonder how you will treat them in the future for believing what they do.  I think the most important thing here is to find balance.

Understand that everyone has their beliefs and more often than not, they stem from a life experience of some sort (you’re a prime example of that).  We all have to find our own way in this world but we also need support.  Be sure not to cut ties with your parents for the first thing that seemingly rescues you from your past. 

If your parents are pro black and do not condone dating outside of your race then respect that but let them know that you do not agree and would like your decision to be respected as well.  Explain your feelings towards your neighborhood and the fear you experienced as a child.  I’m sure they will understand your hesitance to return, especially since they’ve engraved in you the need to work hard and not raise your own family there.  Perhaps they could come visit you at college or you could stay in a safer area near your home where they can visit.

Be mindful when you say you’re not down for the cause anymore.  You’re black so you should always be aware of the injustices towards your race.  Whether you choose to take an active role in seeking justice is up to you but you will never completely escape the injustices because you are black, my dear.  If you haven't realized that yet, you will soon.  Being conscious and having awareness isn't negative, it does not translate to anti-white, it does not translate to enduring harsh living environments for the sake of not "selling out"and it definitely does not translate to being closed minded.  So, be sure not to also box yourself into a category by eliminating a major part of who you are.  Again, balance will be your friend through all of this.

Have a conversation with your parents about your thoughts and let them know that you want them to meet your boyfriend at some point.  You should get them used to this before you pop up with him (something you should do regardless of his race anyway).  You never know, your parents could be more accepting of this than you think.  

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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