They Beat me Because...

Dear WISY,

Please help me with my relationship.  I met a guy a couple months ago and it was love at first sight for the both of us.  We became very close, very quickly and we are talking about taking it to the next step and moving in together.  This guy has everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and I guess I am the same for him.  I have never felt this way before and I was very happy for the first time in my life.

The other day, I got a phone call from a young lady who said she was my boyfriend’s woman.  I asked her to repeat herself because I couldn’t believe my ears.  She repeated herself and told me she wanted me and her to gang up on him and confront him together.  She said she wanted the both of us to stick together because we are women and men always take advantage of our kindness.

I agreed with what she said and went to meet her the day we planned.  When I got there, three girls ran up to me and jumped me.  I didn’t know who I was looking for but she knew me.  They ganged me and beat me up bad.  Today is my first day back at my house after a few days in the hospital.  I had to get stitches in three different parts of my lip, both of my eyes were black and blue and my face was swollen with knots all over.  I was told that some bystanders parted the fight and called an ambulance and the police.  I don’t remember any of that.  The girls were arrested and I have to go to the police station to identify them as my attackers.

My boyfriend has been by my side ever since and he keeps apologizing for what happened.  He told me that he left that girl for me and she didn’t like it.  He told me that she promised to find me and beat me.  He also told me that the other girls with his ex were his cousins who initially introduced them.  He told me they were manipulated and that I shouldn’t press charges against them but only the ex.  I feel like all of them should go to jail.  I did nothing to them.  He is begging me to not do it.  Do you think I should spare them and only charge the ex?

Signed,

Beaten

30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships

Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship

WISY’s Response:

Dear Beaten,

These are the types of letters that make my blood boil.  Wooosaaaaaaaaah!

Every one of those girls deserves to spend some time behind bars for what they did to you.  They are all guilty of inflicting harm and could’ve left you with severe disabilities or worse, they could’ve killed you.   Don’t allow your boyfriend to persuade you towards anything different.  They plotted, schemed and attacked you – if he can’t see how vile and dangerous these girls are, then perhaps he needs a beat down to understand exactly what you’ve been through. 

Pump your brakes with this dude.  He doesn’t sound like the type of man who would remain loyal to you.  In your time of healing, he’s showing how selfish he can be.  He should be doing everything in his power to protect you and reassure you that you’re safe in his presence – even if that means teaching family a valuable life lesson.  He claims his ex manipulated his cousins but it seems he’s on a heavy manipulation campaign himself.

Go to the police station and be truthful about what happened.  If your boyfriend disagrees with that then send him on his way.  You don’t need a man like that in your life.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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OMG! He's so Annoying!

Dear WISY,

My boyfriend treats me like one of the guys.  I don't know if we're too comfortable with each other but he likes to punch my arm and wrestle me to the ground.  He's not romantic, he asks for sex in the most immature way and the thing that bothers me the most is when we go out, he flirts with other women and tells me how hot they are.  I've been pretending that all of this is not a big deal but I hate it.

I don't know how to make things go back to how they were in the very beginning of our relationship because he behaves so stupid and I know I might become annoyed with him and mess everything up.

How do I get things back how I need them?

Signed,
Annoyed

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WISY's Response:

Dear Annoyed,

It's great that you two have developed that level of comfort, it really is.  It's an amazing experience when your lover is also your best friend.  However, the absence of romance and maturity would be a turn off for me also.

You have to speak up and let your boyfriend know that you're uncomfortable being his homey and you need romance and a certain level of maturity.  I wouldn't recommend you to ask him to completely stop his behavior because that will place you all in a place of unrest and distrust.  He behaves that way with you because he completely trusts you and feels free to be himself - don't take that away, you'll regret it.  You should ask for compromise and try to maintain balance.  For example, tell him when he wants to get intimate, he should approach you with romance.  It doesn't have to be a huge, lavish production but his words and actions should be gentler and of the seductive nature.

Ultimately, you're to blame for this because of your decision to go along with it all as if you were okay with it.  I don't think you would be in this situation if you had spoken up initially.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

My Girlfriend is Acting Strange

Dear WISY,

I have been involved with my girlfriend for a year and 4 months and she is the love of my life.  I would do anything for my girl.  We were very happy until her ex moved back to the city where we live.  Ever since she came back, my girl has been acting different.

My girl doesn't want to do the things we used to do together anymore; she would rather do them alone.  She has started smoking cigarettes again and has started dressing in dark, grungy clothing.  She went from being this ray of sunshine to a muddy puddle.

When I ask her about the change, she tells me to stop trying to limit her.  I have a strong feeling that her ex is causing all of these changes.  My friends have told me that they see the two of them out together (at times when she was supposedly out alone), getting very close.  I asked her about that and she told me that she is being supportive because her ex struggles with PTSD.  I am very aware of the damaged vets who return home and have done work to help them out so she knows I have a soft spot for that.  I even suggested she bring her to a center I've worked with to help her manage her condition but my girl says her ex wants to recover on her own.

I fear my girl will go back to her ex because she treats me like the side chick and gives priority to her ex.  I don't know what to do.  Please help me.

Signed,
Heart Broken

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WISY's Response:

Dear HB,

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

Your girlfriend still has feelings for her ex and I want to believe their relationship paused while her ex was away and didn't actually end.  I'm sorry to say that it looks like your girlfriend has made her decision already but hasn't told you yet.

Have one more serious talk with her; express your concerns and call her out on her sudden change.  If she gives excuses then that's your queue to begin your exit and accept that she isn't willing to return to the ray of sunshine you knew.  If she acknowledges her strange behavior and sincerely makes an effort to quell your discomfort then you can give her the opportunity to prove herself, if you'd like.

Again, it seems to me like she's checked out and moved on.  I wouldn't put too much more effort into this if I were you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Won't Leave me Alone!

Dear WISY,

I have been with this guy for the past 5 years.  One year ago, he started seeing this younger girl and said it was his friend.  It's been a year now that we've been cussing and fighting over his "friend" who I begged him to stay away from.  

She's been going to his house and sleeping over when I am mad at him (he calls her over) and he started taking her to places we go, showing her the life he showed me.  Basically, he sleeps with me all weekend then calls her to sleep  with him the next day.

I keep telling him it's over because he doesn't seem to respect me anymore and he keeps coming  back saying I am reading him wrong.  This has been going on for a year now and I really can't take anymore.  To make matters worse, we work together and I don't want to go further like getting the police involved but I've reached my breaking point.  He's taking my kindness for weakness.  What do you think is the best way to handle this?

Signed,
Shy

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WISY's Response:

Dear Shy,

Sorry to hear you're going through this with your guy after 5 years.  You would think at this point, you could trust him and he would respect you.  I'm glad you recognize the need to break it off and not settle for the disrespect anymore.

Often times, women stay in relationships because we believe we can change people, other times, we stay because we feel the need to "win" the affection of the man to prove and validate ourselves to the other woman.  In doing this, we are actually showing the man that he can continue with his behaviors and we will always come back after he plays the same sorry tune over and over.

You should never settle for a man who will bring another woman to sleep with him because you had an argument.  Those actions prove his immaturity so it's best you leave him to be with the young girl.

I'm concerned because you mentioned not wanting to get the police involved.  That suggests to me that his behavior warrants police intervention.  If you feel threatened, then don't waste any more time arguing with him, call the police.  If not, I think the best way to handle this is to completely ignore him.  When at work, keep everything professional.  If he tries to divert from professional communication, get a supervisor or Human Resources representative involved.  If he approaches you outside of work, don't give him the satisfaction of your attention. 

Soon he'll realize that his days of playing ping pong with you and the other girl are over.  Hopefully, he's learned his lesson.  In the meantime, focus on remaining firm and strengthening your spirit to the point where no one can treat you like that again.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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I Can't Believe my Husband Did This!

Dear WISY,

I need help, please.  I’m a married woman and I have been with my husband now for 12 years but we’ve only been married for 2 years.  My husband is a nice man but he has wandering eyes and hands.  The other day, I overheard him in the garage telling his friend that he didn’t mean to get his side woman pregnant and now she’s refusing to abort the baby.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to faint, I wanted to beat him but all I could do was stand still.  It was like my feet couldn’t move.  I don’t have children and I don’t think I can have any but we have been saving money for fertility treatment.

Since that happened, it’s been 2 months and he’s been acting strange.  I keep asking him what’s going on and he says everything is fine but I know better.  I am hurting too, I don’t know what to do and I don’t want my husband to leave me for her.  You know babies can make men’s hearts soft and he might leave this childless home to be with his offspring.

I feel that if I ask him, it may speed up the process of him leaving and going there so as long as I remain the source of happiness and peace for him, he will stay here.  What’s your opinion on that strategy?  What do you think will happen when the baby is born? 

Please help, I need to prepare myself for what is to come.

Signed,

Worried Wife

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WISY’s Response:

Dear WW,

I’m all for loyalty and unconditional love but I can’t say I wholeheartedly agree with your logic.  Why don’t you tell him you know he has another woman pregnant?  I think getting it out in the open will be a sigh of relief for the both of you, no matter how painful this is.  If you’re adamant about keeping a cheating, careless man as your husband then you should tell him that he doesn’t need to worry; you’re not going to leave.  I'm sure he'll be relieved to hear that.

You should ask yourself the question about what will happen when the baby is born.  I couldn’t possibly suggest an answer for you.  Can you handle knowing your husband had a child with someone else?  Are you willing to allow him the time to be with his new baby? Are you going to be jealous that the side woman was able to produce with him and you haven't yet?

I’m concerned that you are continually neglecting your feelings and allowing the diminishment of respect your husband has for you.  When you speak with him, be sure to make some demands which will benefit you.  Be sure to have him fully make up for what he has done to you and also prepare for the possibility that he may leave but you have to get this thing out in the open.  The sooner you two discuss everything through, the better.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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My Parents Will be Upset When They Find Out

Dear WISY,

I grew up in the inner city area of a major city.  My daily life consisted of ducking from shootings, fighting, watching drug addicts shoot up in the streets and ratchet baby mamas yelling at their kids.  My parents were strong and cautioned me and my siblings about the streets and told us to work hard so we’d never have the stress of raising a family in an area like where I grew up.  My parents tried hard to get us out but weren’t successful so when it was time to go to college, I left and never intended to return.

I left the state and went to a school completely different to what I was accustomed to.  I was the minority on campus but that didn’t phase me.  I wasn’t treated badly and I quickly learned to relax and adjust to the safety that this new environment brought.  I also met someone and we fell for each other fast.

He’s white and I’m black and my family is against dating outside of our race because of a so called system but I don’t believe all of that and even if I did, I believe in the power of love more.  Anyway, my parents want me to come home for the summer but I don’t want to go back to dodging bullets and I especially don’t want to go back if I can’t bring my boyfriend to meet my parents.  I know they’ll be angry about it but I just don’t want to live that life anymore.

How do you tell pro black parents that you aren’t down for the cause anymore?

Signed,

Swirling

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WISY’s Response:

Dear Swirling,

I have several thoughts about your letter.  First, I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to return to that environment; I can’t fault you for that at all.  Second, I also believe that the power of love is greater than anything else in this Universe and you should be free to love whomever you want.  However, I am concerned that you are too comfortable with turning your back on your family after such a short time.  It makes me wonder how you will treat them in the future for believing what they do.  I think the most important thing here is to find balance.

Understand that everyone has their beliefs and more often than not, they stem from a life experience of some sort (you’re a prime example of that).  We all have to find our own way in this world but we also need support.  Be sure not to cut ties with your parents for the first thing that seemingly rescues you from your past. 

If your parents are pro black and do not condone dating outside of your race then respect that but let them know that you do not agree and would like your decision to be respected as well.  Explain your feelings towards your neighborhood and the fear you experienced as a child.  I’m sure they will understand your hesitance to return, especially since they’ve engraved in you the need to work hard and not raise your own family there.  Perhaps they could come visit you at college or you could stay in a safer area near your home where they can visit.

Be mindful when you say you’re not down for the cause anymore.  You’re black so you should always be aware of the injustices towards your race.  Whether you choose to take an active role in seeking justice is up to you but you will never completely escape the injustices because you are black, my dear.  If you haven't realized that yet, you will soon.  Being conscious and having awareness isn't negative, it does not translate to anti-white, it does not translate to enduring harsh living environments for the sake of not "selling out"and it definitely does not translate to being closed minded.  So, be sure not to also box yourself into a category by eliminating a major part of who you are.  Again, balance will be your friend through all of this.

Have a conversation with your parents about your thoughts and let them know that you want them to meet your boyfriend at some point.  You should get them used to this before you pop up with him (something you should do regardless of his race anyway).  You never know, your parents could be more accepting of this than you think.  

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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Things that Make you go Hmmmm

Dear WISY,

I'm writing from a very poor country in the magnificent continent of Africa but I have come across some hard times and I don’t know what to do.  I’ve come to a point where the decision has been made for me and I must leave my home soon.  I’m so afraid to think of what people will say about me.  I do not want to be a disgrace and shame my family name.  I really need to get your help with this please.  If you could please send funds to help me pay for my debt so that I do not lose my home, I would be very happy and appreciative.

I live in a posh neighborhood and I didn’t have to work hard to get here.  My grandparents were wealthy and left me a fortune but unfortunately, friends and other family came and took advantage of me and now that I need help, they are nowhere to be found.  I do not want to be homeless and I have small children to look after.

Please let me know if you can send the funds to me soon.  In return, I will provide you with a large sum of money once I am back on my feet again.

Thank you.  God Bless.

Signed,

Losing my Home

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WISY’s Response:

Dear Losing my Home,

Hmmm. 😒

I’m sorry to hear about your situation but I can't help with your monetary need.  If you want, you could create an account on an online fundraising site and place the link in the comments section.  Maybe my readers can be of more assistance.

In the future, you should invest your money and seek the help of a financial advisor before desperation sets in.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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I Married for Money

Dear WISY,

I am writing because I’m frustrated with everyone around me saying that I am not a good person.  My friends have stopped talking to me because I decided that I would no longer be involved with a man unless he is wealthy.  I don’t see anything wrong with this and it doesn’t make me a bad person.  I believe it makes me a good person because I am thinking about my future and the future of my children.  I want to raise children who don’t have to suffer the way I did.

When I was young, my mother struggled to feed me and clothe me.  My father was handsome and she fell in love with him and had me but he didn’t do anything for us and she was stuck because she wasn’t using her head.  I wore the same clothes every day and I was bullied.  We were very poor.  Our house used to leak every time it rained and we always smelled old and moldy.  It was horrible.

Anyway, I married a wealthy man and he treats me well even though I don't love him.  I am in school getting an education and I am making sure that I will always be good even if I happen to divorce my husband.  I think that women should stop making it seem that it’s bad to marry for money.  I believe that we should be more concerned with the upbringing of our children and we should secure their future at all costs.  I am being selfless and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The downside of my choice has left me alone and feeling stranded.  I miss my family and friends and I have tried to include them in my life but they are all against what I did.  It makes me wonder if they don’t want to see my happy.  I haven’t committed a crime and I am not hurting anyone so what is the problem?  In your opinion, have I done something wrong?

Signed,

Married for Money

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WISY’s Response:

Dear MFM,

Your family and friends won’t speak to you anymore?  Are you leaving something out of your letter?  I can see them being disappointed that you didn’t marry someone you love but I don’t see them not speaking to you because of it, especially knowing your history and knowing that they could also benefit from your choice.

What you’ve chosen for your life is seen as deceitful and can also translate to having minimal self-respect but I completely understand your perspective and I know that it is understood by everyone whether they believe in marrying for reasons outside of love or not.  However, relationships are not black and white, there is a vast grey area which many of us fall into and it works out just fine.

I can understand that your childhood may have conditioned you to think the way you do but it seems you have gone from one extreme to the next with intense tunnel vision, missing the opportunity to experience a relationship which fulfills you in every aspect of your being.  Because you chose to marry solely on the basis of wealth, you will never know true love.  In my opinion, that is more sorrowful than a childhood of struggle.

I’m not sure that marrying for money will heal the damage from your childhood but I am glad that you have found a method to ensure you don’t return to those circumstances.  Hopefully, somewhere along your journey, you’ll find a way to connect with your family and friends because you'll soon find out that a rich life has nothing to do with wealth.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Trading Places

Dear WISY,

First, I want to say that my friends and I love ‘Dear WISY’ and we like your advice so they convinced me to write to you.  I want to remain anonymous. 

I’m having a problem.  I had a boyfriend but I left him.  I left because he was always talking with other females and was too friendly with them.  I told him that I didn’t like it and he told me to stop behaving as if I’m one of those insecure girls.   When he said this to me, I thought to myself that I may be turning into that type of woman and I really despise that type of woman so I decided to not make any mention of it again.  Even when he was on the phone talking to a girl, I didn’t say a word to him.

I have a guy friend who I confide in a lot.  In the past, we were secretly messing around but I was not allowed to date at the time.  He moved on with someone and had a baby and her family kind of forced them to marry.  He is married but not happy and we still talk when we need to vent. So, I had been telling him about my boyfriend and he kept telling me to leave him but I wasn’t sure if he just wanted me to be single so he could have a chance or if he was sincere.  This same guy told me that my boyfriend had a side chick and he told me that the girl is trying to get my contact information so she can tell me herself.  I told him to give it to her because I need to know.

She called me and told me that my boyfriend had been with her for a few months and he keeps telling her he’s going to leave me but he hasn’t yet and she’s tired of waiting on him.  I told her I don’t believe but I was using my head so she could give me evidence.  She sent me pics and screenshots of their conversations and times they had together.  I couldn’t believe I was seeing my boyfriend’s naked body with someone other than myself.  I told her to take him because I am tired of him and his friendliness with every woman.

I sent my boyfriend the info and told him to not come back to me begging.  I only said it because I wanted him to try his very hardest to get me back but I didn’t hear anything from him.  I was really worried that he was missing.  Can you believe that he would not say one word to me and go be with the girl?  He never loved me it seems.

Now my friend who told me all the information started asking me if he could come over and comfort me.  I didn’t tell him I need comfort but he knows me so well.  I told him to come and we ended up spending the whole night together.  I was worried his wife was going to be angry but she never called and he took his time getting dressed and leaving in the morning.  He told me he was coming back the same night and he has been in my apartment every night since then.  I was wondering about the wife but there was never a problem.

Last night he confessed to me that he found out that his wife was seeing my boyfriend and he decided to make it work in his favor.  He told me I’m his true love and his wife knows so she wanted to hurt me by sleeping with my boyfriend.  He told me he made her call me so that I could leave and she could have my boyfriend and he could have me.  My head is spinning from all of this nonsense.

I do love my friend but I do not know if I can trust him after his master manipulation.  What do you think?

Please post.

Signed,

Confused

WISY’s Response:

Dear Confused,

I’m glad to hear that you enjoy my posts and I want to thank you for considering me a good source to help you through your issue. 😀

I was very surprised by the revelation at the end!  I wasn’t expecting that at all.

Okay, I’ll start with the positive first.  Your friend turned lover has shown that he is willing to make a strong effort to win your affection.  He has also shown that he is available to you when you need emotional support.  Also, his willingness to “man up” and own his responsibilities when he married the girl he got pregnant is commendable in the eyes of society.  Considering all these things, he seems to be great boyfriend material BUT his actions can’t be ignored.

The way in which he went about getting you in his arms is cause for some concern.  He could’ve just came out and told you instead of making a circus production out of the whole thing.  It was the truth, after all.  It makes me wonder what other issues he will turn into unnecessary drama when he could've just told the simple truth.

My lingering questions are:  Is he going to legally separate from and then divorce his wife?  Have you had a conversation about how all of you will co-parent?  There are some very important issues that need to be ironed out.  I don’t want the child’s needs to get lost in all of this.  Sort everything out so you can be free to live happily ever after.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY