She Won't Leave My Man Alone

Dear WISY,

I found out recently that my man has been cheating on me.  He met a girl and he told her all about me and she decided that she still wanted to be with him.  Well, I guess things got messy because I found out about it.  I would leave him high and dry but I just found out I am 4 months pregnant.  I decided to confront the girl and let her know and instead of getting upset and leaving my man alone, she said she could not wait to go baby shopping for her step son or daughter.  I would have kicked her ass right there but I'm pregnant so I don't want to risk anything.

I don't know how to get rid of this girl.  She keeps calling my man and texting him.  She has no respect for me at all.  I believe he goes out with her now that I am not in the mood to go anywhere.  She just won't leave my man alone!  Doesn't she see that I am pregnant for him?  She should be ashamed of herself for holding on to a taken man.  How can I get rid of this pain in my ass?  I can't stop crying.

Signed,
Wifey

WISY's Response:

Dear Wifey,

Sorry to hear you are in such a stressful situation while pregnant, however I need you to snap out of it and come to your senses.  This girl will not leave your man alone unless your man tells her to leave him alone.  I see you have been confronting this girl but have you confronted your man?  Have you told him that you won't stand for his infidelity?  Before you go blaming the other woman (as many women love to do), make the man take responsibility for his actions.  She could never become an issue for you unless your man allowed and welcomed it.

Go talk to your man and let him know that this situation isn't healthy for you nor the baby.  If he doesn't stop the madness, let him go.  He obviously doesn't respect you.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY


     

XXX Addiction

Dear WISY,

I am at a point where I can truly say I am addicted to pornography.  I have an issue with it and I need some help.  I am losing control of my life.  I think about porn all day long and I have to take many bathroom breaks at work to watch a clip on my phone to quench my thirst otherwise, I get anxious.  I am young and I do not go out, I do not have many friends, I don't have a hobby and worst of all I don't have a significant other.

I have tried praying about it but it doesn't help.  I don't know who I can talk to because I am ashamed of my ways.  I will tell you this so you can understand how extreme this problem is, I have stopped typing twice to watch pornography.  Please help me out.  I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Addicted

WISY's Response:

Dear Addicted,

I suggest you try a combination of long term therapy and a rehabilitation program.  Just as there are programs to aide drug and alcohol abusers, there are programs that help porn addicts as well.  The professionals in these programs will guide you on your way and prepare you for situations which may cause you to have a relapse.

I am glad you reached out and are able to identify that you have a problem.  You have already made the most important step on the road to your recovery.  I am optimistic that you will overcome this obstacle in your life.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  Let me know if you need help locating a program which fits your needs.

     

Right Now, I Choose Dad Over Mom

Dear WISY,

My mom's boyfriend is a dog!  He has no respect at all.  Every time I'm home alone with him, he walks around the house in his briefs only.  I usually ignore him and go into my room but the other day he passed his place and asked me about one of my friends.  He knows she's young like me and he knows I will probably tell my mom about him asking but he still did.  He told me he would buy me anything I wanted if I hooked him up with her.  Of course, I didn't tell her but I told my mom and she accused me of lying! 

I packed a bag and now I am at my father's house with his wife and step children.  I told him everything and he believed me and told me not to worry, he will deal with my mom's man.  Right now (as I am typing this), my mom is outside creating a big scene.  She is cursing my dad and his wife and threatening to call the police but I'm old enough to have a say as to where I live.  I won't even go outside and let her see me.  She should have believed me over her nasty man.  My father is the best man she ever had and soon she will realize it.

I don't want to go back to her house until she tosses the trash she has in the house but deep down I feel bad for her.  She should never have chosen him over me then this wouldn't have happened!  Should I just go back or stay with my dad?

Signed,

Fed Up Daughter

WISY's Response:

Dear Fed Up,

I'm glad you left your mom's house.  That household is not a place for a young girl to be.  Did you ever tell your mom about her man wearing his underwear only when you're alone with him in the house?

If your mother cannot put her child's best interest first then she has no business trying to raise you.  If her man is bold enough to be practically naked around you and then ask you to hook him up with your friend then who knows what could have been next.  He could've come after you.  Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Stay where you are until your mother can ensure a safe environment for you. 

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

                     

My Pastor Was My First

Dear WISY,

You posted a letter last week that gave me the courage to write you about a situation I am in.  The girl said her mother was involved with the pastor and I too am involved with my pastor but I do not want to be.  My pastor has been a menace to me since I was 13 years old and now I am almost 25 years old.  The problem is, my parents trusted him and so did all of the church members so when he asked that me and a few other girls stay for choir practice and other activities, nobody thought it was odd.  I don't know if he is still involved with the other girls but he still sees me.  He took my virginity and this might sound weird but I fell for him.  Now, I want to escape him but I do not know how.  He is so influential that I am sure nobody will believe that he has been involved with me for so many years.  I am afraid and mostly ashamed of what I allowed to happen to me.  He told me he will hurt me if I speak of anything that has happened between us.  What should I do?  There is a guy that I am beginning to have feelings for and I don't want him to know about the pastor.  I would like to have a normal relationship with him.  What should I do?

Signed,
Another Pastor Love

WISY's Response:

Dear Another Pastor Love,

It is very important that you expose this predator to the public.  He should be in jail for what he did to you and the other girls.  Try to get in touch with the girls and see if they would be willing to come forward with you.  If not, still report the matter to the authorities and explain your concerns about the pastor threatening you and his probable denial of all allegations.  

You will probably be asked to provide evidence.  Suggest a secretly recorded meeting where you speak of all the activities with the pastor and make reference to the first incident when you were just a child.  I would suggest you carry out the recording on your own but I don't know where you are and audio recording could be illegal without getting permission first.

You may also be faced with statute of limitations issues but you should still go forward with your information and at least expose the pastor for the criminal that he is.  You never know, he may still be abusing children today and you have the power to stop that and ensure his prosecution.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

She Stinks!

Dear WISY,

I'm having a problem with my girl.  She is beautiful, smart and very kind but she smells very bad.  I first noticed when we went on our first date and I thought to myself that she is just nervous and sweating a lot since it is our first date but I noticed it again and again and again.  I'm not sure how I can approach her without hurting her feelings and I really don't want her to become upset and leave me.  Like I said, everything about her is wonderful except her musty smell.  I don't take her out much because I am embarrassed for her.  I even bought her some nice soaps and perfume but she still smells.  I need suggestions to help her out.  I really don't want to be subjected to her bad scent anymore.

Signed,
She Stinks

WISY's Response:

Dear She Stinks,

Soap and perfume are not strong enough to eliminate body odor on a long term basis.  Perhaps your girlfriend should try clinical strength deodorant and if that doesn't work, she needs to see a doctor.  Hopefully, you can begin to enjoy every aspect of her very soon.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY



     

In Love with a Rasta Man

Dear WISY, 

I am young, too young to be on my own but I am seriously wanting to leave my parent’s house and go live in the hills with my boyfriend and his family.  My parents raised me in the church and my boyfriend'’s family is Rastafarian.  Our beliefs are similar but my parents think that Rasta people do not care enough about their appearance and they hate dread locks.  Me, personally, I love dread locks and I love to see when my lion takes off his hat and those long dreads flow down his back.  It gives me chills.  I just wish my parents would accept him.  It would make life so much easier for us.  His parents accept me and invite me to visit them all the time but I can’'t say the same for my parents.  

I can tell he is getting frustrated with the situation.  He loves me but he doesn'’t love the disrespect he gets from my family.  He feels bad about meeting me secretly and really I feel that he doesn'’t deserve to be treated this way either.  He is my king and I want to show him how much I respect him.  I will be 18 in a few months but I don’t have a job and I'’m still in school.  I don’t know if it’'s a good idea to leave home even though my heart is telling me to go.  We love each other and I don’t want to lose him.  What should I do? 

Signed,
Rasta Lover

WISY's Response:

Dear Rasta Lover,

Religious beliefs aside, I think you already know the potential struggle you will endure if you leave your parents' house; you are still a student and you cannot support yourself financially.  How will you support yourself elsewhere?  Do not assume that your boyfriend's family will take you in with no expectations in return.  I know at this age, love seemingly conquers all and living happily ever after with your boyfriend and his family may seem like the perfect escape from your parents and their judgmental ways.  However, you are still so young and I would hate for you to make a decision which you may regret later in life.  

Also, be clear that you are in love with your boyfriend but that doesn't necessarily mean you will be in love with the Rastafarian lifestyle.  Are you aware of everything that entails?  It may mean a total shift in lifestyle.  Are you ready to change everything that has been the norm for you your entire life?

Take your time.  You haven't even begun to experience life and all it has to offer.  For now, talk to your parents and try to clarify any misconceptions they may have.  Maybe both families can get together and come to an understanding.  Who knows, your parents may have a change of heart.  In any case, I think your first concern should be to complete your education then once you can financially support yourself, you can be free to love who you want.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

My Mother & Pastor Are Involved In An Unholy Union!

Dear WISY,

I live in a very religious household.  My parents have raised my sisters and me to have a strong faith in the Almighty God and I am very disgusted by what I have recently discovered.  As a matter of fact, I despise my mother because of it.  When I see her, I want to douse her body with acid.  How could I say this about the woman who carried me for nine months and birthed me?  I can say it because my mother has been unfaithful to my loving father.  She has been involved with the pastor at our church and she visits him at night in his chambers.  Just the thought of this makes me want to break my tablet but I will not do it because I saved a lot of money to purchase this for myself.  

I made this discovery one night when I was being mischievous with my boyfriend.  He is a secret and my father forbids me to have a lover but I cannot help the way my body is reacting to this boy’'s presence.  He met me in the church yard one night because we thought for sure that no one would find us there.  Instead we found my mother in the pastor'’s chambers straddling him.  I was so embarrassed.  I wanted to alert them but my boyfriend held me back and told me to think of the trouble we would be in if we were discovered.  I listened to him.  

Since then I have followed her at night when she said she is going for religious counsel and I have discovered that she has been doing this act for some time. The pastor is also married and I am also very upset with him.  I would like to alert my father and the pastor'’s wife but I am not sure how I can do this.  Do you suggest a method of doing this? I am so angry and ashamed. 

Thank you.

Signed,
Ashamed Daughter 

WISY's Response:

Dear Ashamed Daughter,

I can only imagine how difficult this discovery has been for you.  Feelings of betrayal, anger, disgust and sorrow are probably weighing heavily on you right now. 

Understand that the information you hold could ultimately break your family apart.  Understand that there may be a long period of turmoil in your life if you reveal the truth to your father and the pastor's wife.  I am not trying to discourage you from exposing the truth but I just want you to be prepared for what may follow.  Your mother and pastor could also deny the allegations and you may be ridiculed and treated differently.  Just be prepared for all outcomes if you decide to tell.

If I were in this situation, I would approach my mother and let her know that I am aware of her behavior and give her the opportunity to either stop the behavior or confess her adulterous habits (only you know what would be best in this situation).  I would also request to have the family attend a different church.  

Sometimes our parents teach us things in order to help guide us on the right path.  However, it does not always mean our parents are taking their own advice.  Ever hear the saying "Do as I say, not as I do"?  Hypocrisy, I know.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY  


     

He Likes It With a Heavy Dose of Vitamin C!

Dear WISY, 

I am writing to tell you something that you may say is weird but I need to know if this is a common thing.  I have never come across someone that is in love with citrus fruits the way my boyfriend is in love with them!  When we first got close, I noticed he always had an orange or tangerine with him and he said he liked to eat them a lot because it helps to fight germs but one day I saw him talking to and kissing the orange!  I could not believe my eyes!  What kind of man is this?  Is he mad?  I pretended I didn’t see but it happened again and I confronted him.  He told me that he likes the texture of the skin and he likes the smell; it drives him crazy and fills him with all sorts of feelings. You know the feelings I am referring to, I don't need to go into detail, right?   The worst part of all of this is his need to have the oranges, grapefruits, limes, lemons and tangerines in the bedroom.  Sometimes they are in the bed and he likes when they touch his skin!  What is this?  This is crazy and I believe he needs medical attention.  What kind of thing is this?  Is this a normal thing?

Signed,

No More Citrus

WISY's Response:

Dear No More Citrus,

I am kind of at a loss for words.  While I'm aware that fetishes are a common thing that often go unspoken, I have never heard of a citrus fetish and I have never heard of a person talking to their object of desire.  Perhaps you should read up on some strange fetish literature and gain some insight.  :-)

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He's A Criminal. Should I Leave?

Dear WISY,

My man and I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.  He provides me with what I need and I look pretty and sexy for him in return.  The problem is, my conscience has been bothering me about the whole thing. The way he gets his money is dishonest and I’m starting to become afraid of what will happen to him because I know these things don’t last forever.  I know one day he’ll be found out and I'm terrified.

I try to talk to him about it and he tells me if I don’t like it I can go about my business but I don’t want to leave and let another woman come in and take my place and experience the luxurious life I have been living.  I can’t have that at all so, I’m conflicted.  My mind is telling me something bad will happen soon and I don’t want to be involved but I don’t want another b*tch to come in and take my spot.

What should I do?  I guess I already know what to do but I need some convincing.

Signed,
Conflicted

WISY's Response:

Dear Conflicted,

My first thought would be to respond to you with this: "You already know what to do so do it." but I realize situations like these aren't always that simple.  I would like to think that if you had the strength to leave, you would have left already or perhaps you are truly in love with this man and cannot imagine life without him.  So, I'll tell you this:  In life, there are consequences for everything.  These consequences may not be immediate but they will come about sooner or later.  The way in which your man is obtaining his riches is dishonest and there is a little thing called karma which deals with each one of us.  Distance yourself from this situation as soon as possible.  Do not allow someone else's actions to place you at a disadvantage in life.  You have a choice in this situation.  Thoughts of another woman moving in and taking your place should not be what stops you from living a life of freedom.  I hope this was convincing enough for you.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

     

My Sister Could Not Break Me!

Dear WISY,

I would like to get some feelings off my chest.  I am now 21 and I want to tell my sister that I am standing stronger and taller than ever before despite her trying to ruin my life.  As a child she tortured me, she lied on me and she was verbally abusive.  She told me I was ugly and too black.  I believed her because people always told her how pretty she was and she was light like my mother.  I spent many years hating myself and thinking I was not good enough.  It took me getting involved with my boyfriend to really start to like myself.  When he complimented me, I never believed him.  I gave him a hard time at first but I know now that he truly loves me and thinks I'm beautiful.  He is helping me to heal from the years of damage my hateful sister put me through.  I would like her to know that I am great.  I don't have a husband that beats me and I am developing a career of my own.  I will not sit at home and depend on a man to mind me (she does).

Hello, my sister! I am better than ever and you could not defeat me!

Signed,
Healing Sister

WISY's Response:

Dear Healing Sister,

I am glad to hear that your sister's actions did not defeat you.  Have you expressed your feelings to your sister?  Speaking with her about how she has affected you will help you heal.  I'm also glad to hear that your boyfriend has helped you find the strength to begin valuing yourself but you must also find the strength within yourself or else you may always feel the need to get validation from others.  I suggest you begin with speaking to your sister and letting her know how she's damaged you.  This will help you regain control of you and your image of yourself.

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY


                    

I Want Him Bad!

Dear WISY,

Tonight I celebrated my birthday with a few close friends.  One of my friends brought a guy with her and I fell in love at first sight.  He was the most beautiful, handsome, gorgeous, pretty man I have ever laid eyes on!  I know it sounds unbelievable but he is just all of that!  I want him so bad it hurts me!  The only problem is, I think she is involved with him.  I want to tell her I want him for my birthday!  I would do some things to him!  I would make him tired of my loving!  I don't think you can understand how badly I want this man.  I am even willing to upset our friendship for him.  It sounds bad but it's true.  I don't know what to do!  Maybe I can sneak and talk to him but I am really not that type of girl.  I am very straight up.  Should I ask her about him or just go after what I want?  Please let me know!!

Signed,
I Want Him Bad!

WISY's Response:

Dear IWHB!,

Please do not ruin a friendship over a man you do not know.  I suggest you ask your friend about this man and if she tells you she's involved with him, walk away!  There are way too many men out there for you to be risking friendships over.

Walk Good,
#TeamWISY

 

To the Kids: Don't Choose the Wrong Path!

Dear WISY,

When I was 11 years old my parents moved to a big city.  We moved from a small town and it took us a day and a half to get to where we live now.  I was very excited at first but when we got there and settled in, I realized that this city was a dangerous place.  My first day of school was hell!  I was tortured the entire day and my teachers saw what was going on and did nothing about it.  I was terrified and begged my parents to take me back to where we came from but they said I would adjust.

After a week or so of bullying, I was approached by one of my teachers who suggested I join a gang in order to fit in.  At first I didn't know what he meant by "gang".  I assumed it was a group of kids that got together after school to support each other and carry out academic activities.  I was wrong.  My own teacher, Mr. V****** suggested that I become a part of a criminal organization.  I couldn't understand why until he explained that he was a gang member also and felt like the gang understood his needs when his family didn't. 

Eventually, I got tired of the bruises and the hateful words and I asked my teacher about joining the gang.  He was very happy to hear I was finally interested and he asked me to meet him in the gym after school for a five minute talk.  On my way to the gym, I was pushed and slapped by other kids and all I could think of was how much I couldn't wait to get some relief from this situation.  I walked in the gym and my teacher was there with a kid in a higher grade who asked for my home phone number and address and said he would call me later that night.  He said he would have his little sister call me so my parents wouldn't become suspicious of anything.

Fast forward to now.  I was arrested at the age of 17.  I am now 18.  I am an active member in the gang and have done a lot of things my parents would disagree with.  I now have a one year old and recently found out I am pregnant again.  I don't know who the father of this child is and my first baby's father is incarcerated.  My life has taken a turn for the worst and all because my parents thought a city life would bring more advancement opportunity to their children.

I just want to tell the kids out there who feel alone that there is another path to happiness other than gang life.  I regret not informing my parents of everything.  I should have told them that my teacher introduced me to the gang in the first place and I should have told them how bad I was being bullied at school.  I urge the kids out there to speak up even if you think you'll look stupid for doing so.  It's not worth it, trust me.

I don't know who writes this blog and I was told it was just for the Caribbean but I hope you will post this letter anyway.  Hopefully, this will help anyone out there who feels alone.  Please, just find a different way to be happy.  Join the Boys and Girls Club or the YMCA.  Do something other than get yourself caught up in gang life!  It hurts worse than the bullying at school.

One Love!

Signed,

Regretful

WISY's Response:

Dear Regretful,

First of all, I would like to thank you for writing to us.  It takes a lot of bravery to do so and no, this blog is not just meant for Caribbean people.  We receive letters from all over the world.  

My heart breaks to hear that you felt you had no other choice but to choose gang life in order to have peace on a daily basis.  I am outraged by the fact that your teacher is the one who introduced you to this lifestyle which has placed you at a disadvantage in life.

You are still young.  You still have the world of opportunity available to you.  I can tell that your mindset is beginning to follow the course of redemption and I encourage you to make a serious effort to reverse all your wrongs and make them rights.  I'm not sure what city you're in but there are resources available to young women with children in almost every major city.  I'm not sure of your education level but there are resources to help you attain higher levels of education.  Utilize every resource that is available to you.  Research your options and know your rights.  Make a difference for yourself and your children by elevating yourself and escaping gang life for good.

Be mindful that your first steps should be ones to ensure the safety of you and your family.  Be very careful with the information you share about your plans.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

P.S.  If you need assistance obtaining information about resources available to you, let us know.  We are more than happy to help.

Texts From His Ex!

Dear WISY,

I just made it official with my new boo and everything has been wonderful so far.  My only complaint is that his ex sends him text messages on a daily basis.  In the morning, his first text is from her and before she goes to sleep she has to text him good night.  I told him I hate that this is going on and he tells me it's no big deal.  I pointed out that if it wasn't such a big deal then he should have no problem telling her to stop.  He refuses to tell her that and said that he is friends with her and nothing else and her silly messages shouldn't have me feeling insecure.  

I don't know if I should be feeling this way but to me, exes have no place in your current situation.  If he wanted to remain friends with her then he should have stayed single or never broken it off with her in the first place.  My next thought is to confront her myself and tell her to find another man to text "Good Morning" & "Good Night" to.  I feel like I am being disrespected and I won't stand for it.

Am I being insecure or do you agree that I have a right to feel this way?  Let me know, please!

Signed,

X Out the Ex

WISY's Response:

Dear X Out,

I agree that the constant communication with his ex can be annoying and somewhat disrespectful as well.  It seems she isn't completely over him and still needs some aspect of him in her daily life.  In his defense, men don't always "get it".  A lot of men fail to see what emotional connections with outside people can do to a relationship.  They think that physical contact is the only form of cheating but in reality emotional connection can be just as (if not more) damaging.  Try to explain this to him and see if he understands.

As far as I'm concerned, those "Good Morning" and "Good Night" texts should be coming from you and if he doesn't understand this then I don't think he's fully ready to commit to your relationship.  

Walk Good,

#TeamWISY

"I Raised Her Right"

Dear WISY,

Some people are going to criticize me for this but by the end of my note they will understand why I feel what I am doing is the only way to raise a girl.

My daughter is now 16 years young and from the time she was a toddler, I told her that she deserved the best in life and I gave her the best I could afford and if I couldn't afford it, I found a way to provide her with it.  I want her to know what the best is and always expect it.  Now that she is interested in boys, I expect her to demand nothing but the best from these young men who want to date her.  

I encourage her to only entertain boys who are from prominent families.  I want my daughter to know her worth and in my eyes she is priceless.  She should not allow mediocrity to enter her life.  I don't want any boy bringing her down.  In fact, I have told her to marry someone who will elevate her to new heights.  Women nowadays have no self worth and my daughter will be the exception!

Signed,
Only The Best

WISY's Response:

Dear Only The Best,

What you've described is just a sugar coated version of pimping your daughter.  I get that you want the best for her but mistaking material worth for  self worth will undoubtedly be detrimental to her character.  What about allowing her to experience life for herself?  Stop dictating what you think is best for her and allow her to fall in love with a boy's character and not his trust fund.  Please, for your daughter's sake and (believe it or not, her well-being), stop the madness.  Have you taught her that she is capable of providing the best for herself?  You have only taught her that she needs a man to elevate herself in life.  How about providing her with the best education possible?  Check yourself, Mom.  You've got it all wrong.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Love My Brother's BFF

Dear WISY,

My brother's friend is so hot.  I really like him and everything but I don't know if it's a good idea to date him because my brother might not like it.  
One night he came over and my brother wasn't home yet and we slept together.  It was like my body exploded because I've wanted him so bad for all this time.  I want to carry it on but he is telling me that it can't carry on.  He acts different around me now and I asked him why.  He said because when he sees me he wants to have sex and he doesn't want my brother to notice so he just pretends to not like me.  I feel bad though.  I feel like he used me.  Do u think he did?

Signed,
I <3 my brother's BFF

WISY's Response:

Dear I <3,

It sounds to me as if your brother's friend is just interested in having sex with you.  You said he told you that when he sees you all he wants to do is have sex.  He can't even treat you nicely?  He has to pretend to not like you?  That doesn't sound right.

I'm not sure you should be looking for anything more from your brother's friend.  If he was serious about you, he would express his feelings to your brother.  I am also questioning why your brother may not like it.  It shouldn't be a problem if his friend is a respectable guy.  You, yourself should be able to be a good judge of his character.  If he's your brother's BFF then you should know him pretty well too.  Think about everything and don't get caught up in the passion.  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He No Longer Excites Me

Dear WISY,

Please post my letter.  I have been having an issue with my boyfriend.  The problem is I am not excited to sleep with him anymore.  I used to love doing it with him but now I find excuses not to do it.  I tried to look within to see what may have caused me to change but I honestly don't know.

What do you think I should do about this?

Signed,

No Longer Excited

WISY's RESPONSE:

Dear NLE,

Look a little deeper.  Something had to have happened to make you change.  Whatever it is, I hope you figure it out soon.  Your boyfriend will begin to notice your change (if he hasn't already) and further issues may arise.  I suggest you talk to him about it and see if you two can figure out how to remedy this situation.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY