He Wants me to Ditch my Friends

Dear WISY, 

I need help understanding why my man won't allow me to have male friends.  He told me that I will be perceived as a Jezebel and that's not the reputation he wants for me.  The problem is my close friends are guys.  I am a tomboy and I have always been this way.  People thought I was gay because I hung around so many guys but they are honestly just friends. 

I have a boyfriend now that has accepted me for being boyish but won't allow me to see my friends anymore.  He also says now that they know I'm in a relationship with a man, hey may think they have a chance with me.  These are my friends and I know them well; they would not do that.  

I don't know what to do now.  I love my man but I miss my friends.  Do you think there is a way I could present the innocence of having male friends to him that he will understand? 

Thank you.  Please post to Dear WISY.

Signed,
Unhappy

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WISY’s Response:

Dear Unhappy,

I can understand why your man would be leery of your friends of the opposite sex.  Your situation is uncommon and not everyone can handle another man being your close friend BUT the thing that immediately grabbed my attention in your letter was your choice of words.  You say he won’t “allow” you.  Are you a child?  The red flags are waving wildly in my face and I can’t ignore them.  Neither should you.  Professing concern for your reputation is commendable if coming from a genuine place but this could be a tactic he is using to manipulate you. 

It sounds to me like your man is seriously insecure and his attempt to isolate you from your friends is a sign of inner turmoil.  Once he has accomplished separating you from your friends what will come next…your family, your hobbies?  Will he tell you that you need to become more feminine?  It’s never a good idea to get involved with someone who wants to change such a significant part of who you are, especially when it’s an aspect which is harmless and brings you joy. 

To answer your question, I don’t think there is another route to convince him other than expressing how valuable your friends are to you.  As your man, he should want to take an interest in all that matters to you.  Invite him to hang out with your friends and see how he reacts.  If he doesn’t jump on the opportunity to get a first-hand look at the relationship between you and your friends then that means he really doesn’t care about what he claims.  

It’s important to keep friendships.  Becoming exclusive in a romantic relationship should not eliminate your platonic ones.  It just isn’t healthy.  Of course, your time with your friends will decrease and there are certain boundaries which will need to be respected because you are trying to build something significant with your new partner but omitting your close friends from your life is extreme and in my opinion unnecessary.

I could be completely wrong about all of this and my extreme caution due to current events could be clouding my judgment right now but I just want to make sure your eyes and ears are open to the signs which could be harmful to you.  Don’t settle for anything that isn’t ideal for you.  You shouldn’t “allow” that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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