I Discovered his Second Phone

Dear WISY,

I need advice about my relationship.  My man and I have been together for a little over a year.  We met at a mutual friend's house on Thanksgiving and started dating about 2 months later.  At first, I was hesitant about getting involved with him because my friend told me he's a player but he convinced me that he had changed his ways.  I didn't have any complaints until about 6 months into the relationship.  I noticed he stopped spending as much time with me and he wasn't making love to me like he used to but I brushed it off as him getting comfortable.

Anyway, I guess I had accepted that my relationship was what it was and I stopped complaining about it because every time I did, we would argue and he would leave and that would mean even less time and sex.

Last week he came over on Sunday as usual with his clothes for me to wash and iron for the week and to eat Sunday dinner with me and my kids.  As soon as he was done eating, he went into the bedroom and passed out.  While I was ironing his clothes, I noticed a black phone hanging out of his pocket.  I was confused because his phone is silver.  I tip toed over to him and gently pulled the phone out of his pocket, turned it on and to my surprise it was unlocked.  I went into his messages and didn't see anything so I went into his email and I saw messages from some girl.  He was telling her he loved her and that he enjoyed seeing her and all kinds of things.

I lost it and woke his ass up!  I asked him who she was and why he was playing me.  He told me to chill and told me it wasn't his phone and he was just holding it for his co-worker who forgot it at work.  I asked if he thought I was stupid because his co-worker and him don't share an email address.  This fool told me that his co-worker uses his email because he's not tech savvy enough to use one for himself.  Then I asked him if him and his co-worker share the same name.  He finally ran out of lies and flipped it on me and said I shouldn't have gone through his phone.  He told me he didn't trust me, that's why he had to have someone else and he was glad I proved myself.  He took his clothes and left the house.  I haven't spoken to him since.

I really miss him and I'm feeling guilty for going through his phone.  Do you think I should apologize and ask him to come back?  I've already forgiven him for cheating on me.  I feel like our bond is strong enough to overcome this.  Please tell me what you think.

Signed,
Phone Snooper

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WISY's Response:

Dear Phone Snooper,

Okay, so going through his "second" phone was wrong but I can't say that I wouldn't do the same if placed in your situation.  Your instincts directed you to do so and thank goodness you listened!

Your friend tried to tell you that this man was a player and you didn't listen, your man changed six months into the relationship and you brushed it off.  Now, you have discovered that he has another relationship and you want to apologize and reconnect?  What's with the self inflicted pain?  Aren't the red flags and evidence enough for you to see that this is not someone you should share an intimate relationship with?

I think you'd be selling yourself short if you ask him to come back.  By taking him back, you're telling him that no matter what he does, you will always forgive him.  His behavior will never change and you will continue to hurt and be disrespected.  Remember, he would rather blame you for his actions than to admit his wrongdoings and apologize.  You don't need that type of person in your life.  I know you miss him and I know it's difficult to walk away from someone you love but you need to realize that you've been involved in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship.  

Not to worry, your love story won't end here.  Give yourself some time, heal yourself, learn to love and value yourself and then you can begin to consider dating again.  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY