My Ex Still Wants to be Friends

DearWISY,

I have an ex, we've been broken up for several years now. The reasons for the break were:

 1) long distance and 2) differences with family.

Anyhow, shortly after we broke up he started dating a new woman. The new woman started to harass me on social media. I confronted him about what she had done and he confessed to me that when they started dating he let her believe that we were still in a long distance relationship to allow himself time or avoid committing to her right away. He claimed that's  why she "cyberstalked" me. He apologized, said he would make things right and we didn't speak again for a few years.

After about 4 years of no communication, he called me one day. The conversation picked right up where we had left off. I've always been comfortable with him but in conversations, we never crossed any sexual lines as he was still dating the woman and I had moved on myself. The more we communicated the more I realized that I saw him as my "one-who-got-away". We would talk for hours about our past and future goals. We talked about the problems we both had in our relationship, careers etc.

I noticed that I kept having intimacy issues with the men in my life. I now realize I had moved from one relationship to the next trying to find what I had with him. I would always tell him about the men I dated, we would laugh at my disaster dates while he remained with her throughout the years.

Finally, I had the courage to let him know how I was feeling and asked him did he feel the same way about me. He said that he thought we had the best chemistry out of all his relationships but now he sees me as one of his best friends. I accepted that for a while but I realized I couldn't be friends with a person I still had feelings for. So, I let him know that I didn't think it was fair to me or his woman that we continued to have a "friendship" that she didn't know about. I also told him that I believed my feelings for him was hindering me from finding a lasting relationship of my own. I blocked him from all social media accounts and asked him to respect my wishes and stop calling me. He did for several months but he started calling again. I accepted his calls, foolishly I admit.

Recently, I saw him for the first time since we broke  up. He was with his woman. He totally acted like he didn't know me. We were at a social event and he had the opportunity to acknowledge me several times but didn't. Afterward, I actually cried because my feelings were so hurt.  About two weeks following that he called to apologize for how he acted but blamed his behavior on one of our mutual friends. He claimed the mutual friend had provoked him somehow and since we were hanging together he assumed I had  instigated it since he was with his woman.

This time I had enough and I told him his assumptions were childish and said that's why we couldn't  possibly be friends. If we were truly friends he would know I would never do anything like that. (Besides I never retaliated in the past when she harassed me).  I told him that he obviously has some unresolved feelings when it comes me but he was not being honest with himself. I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore because he truly hurt me. He called a couple times after this but I refused his calls.  He's always been blocked from my social media accounts but yesterday I get a request on IG from him.

My question is how do I deal with him? The younger, petty me would have accepted his request then put him on blast on IG, or contact his woman to let her know what he's been doing behind her back. My reasons are not malicious to hurt or embarrass her (even though I don't respect her for what she did to me in the past), it's more so to do something spiteful enough that he will never bother me again. The mature me says continue to ignore and he will go away but it's been years and he still tries. Also what is your take on him constantly calling to just be friends?  

Signed,

Idkwtd?

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No Contact rule: How To Get Over A Breakup And Deal With Your Ex (Divorce, Survival guide, relationship, move on, dating, recovery, heartbroken)

WISY's Advice:

Dear IDKWTD,

It's clear to me that this guy isn't over you.  His words may express one thing but actions don't lie.  If he still, after so many years, is trying to keep in contact with you then you have something that no other woman has been able to give him.  However, that doesn't mean he gets to remain in his current relationship and use you as a supplement for what she lacks.

You were right to tell him it isn't fair to you or his woman for this secret friendship to continue and that should still apply today.  Unless he becomes single and you both can work through the obstacles which caused the break up, then I don't think you should allow him back into your life.  You are holding on to what could have been and his constant communication will only continue to lock you in the past.  This is unhealthy especially since he shows no indication of leaving his woman.

It's time to let go and move forward.  Work on being content with your present and become excited for what your future relationship will bring.  Stop making him your ideal man, break that mold and start fresh!  You'll soon begin to appreciate the differences in your potential lovers.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY