I found out that my mother is not my mother but actually my grandmother and my sister is actually my mother. It's crazy when I reminisce on how my sister and I fought like real siblings. She would chase me out of her room and get mad when she had to stay home to babysit me. My mother was always pushing me to be my best and provided every resource I needed and most of all, gave the love and support a child needs and then some. My mother spoiled us both but always had a soft spot for me. Now I know why.
I got a message on Facebook from a man who claimed to be my father. My first thought was that he was way too young to be my father. I was always told that my father was addicted to drugs and no one really knew where he was so was a little skeptical about the message but had hope that this could really be him.
I replied to the message and we've been conversing for a week now. He told me everything and suggested I confront my mother about it. She confirmed that it was true after hours of pressing her. She explained that my sister (real mother) had me when she was just 11 and that my father was sent back to his home country of Argentina. At the time, he was 14. It turns out that my aunts and uncles know the truth also and I feel like I've been this spectacle for everyone to gossip about behind my back all my life.
There's so much that has been exposed and I don't know how to deal with it. I want a relationship with my father but I'm not sure how to proceed with my mom/grandmother and sister/mother. I feel betrayed, I feel angry, I feel foolish, I feel so many things right now.
I am going to visit my father and have a DNA test performed and then work on a relationship with him.
Signed,
Betrayed
Dear Betrayed,
While I believe that transparency and honesty are always best, I can understand why some may feel the need to hide certain things. Some people are just not strong enough to deal with anything outside of society's ideals. I am not excusing what they did but want you to try and understand why they did it.
Your mother was a child when she had you. There was no way she could have provided for you the way she should. Your grandmother stepped in and protected her child the best way she saw fit. Because of your grandmother's actions, you were given a "normal" life; you escaped the ridicule that may have come from having such a young mother and the psychological damage which could arise from having a mother who isn't mature enough to raise a child or give the love and support you would've needed. I'm sure your mother benefited from this too.
It's time to complete the puzzle and move forward together. It will be difficult to transition the roles of your mother and grandmother and you will experience a range of emotions. Work through everything honestly. The days of trying to appear "normal" are over and everyone needs to learn to deal with this new truth. It won't be easy but it is necessary.
In the end, I think you will understand that the intention was never to betray you but instead to protect you. Be sure not to discredit all that has been done to raise you. Also be sure to not discredit how you feel.
Walk good,
#TeamWISY
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Sweetpea, when you get older and beyond the shock of it all, you will learn the way it was handled was the best for your mom and you. Think about it, at 11 she could not manage herself much less you. Ignore the scandal and gossip aspect cause every family has that as a part of their fabric. Go see your dad and build that bond. And find a way to appreciate your mom and grandmom and that you were able to grow with them and know them and be a family in spite of everything that happened.
ReplyDeleteWow, your grandma was doing the right thing for you I'm just sorry you had to find out this way. Don't let this break you. Learn and grow.
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ReplyDeleteYou should not feel embarrassed or disappointed. Your family was trying to do the best to protect you. What would have happened if you real mother tried to raise you at 11 years old? She wasn't even old enough to work. What could she do? Most importantly, what would have happened to you? They could have told you earlier but would that have made you feel better? Would you have rather having the girl you knew as your sister to raise you? I think they did the best thing for you and wanted to protect you from the embarrassment by not telling you. I sure they never intended to hurt you. You should thank your your grandma, your brothers/uncles, sisters/aunts for knowing and not spilling it. They just didn't want you to feel the way you're feeling right now. Don't feel foolish sweetheart. Don't make them feel guilty for loving you and protecting you. Don't make them feel guilty for not doing the easier option by taking your mother to get an abortion. Loving them for having you and allowing you to have a NORMAL childhood and not allowing you to have the shame they must have felt when she was pregnant, and the stress of keeping that secret for that long. Consider yourself blessed. Now go meet your father and find out why he was so inconsiderate. Find out why didn't he contact your family or your mother first. Seems like he was irresponsible then and still is now. I would be more upset with him for not taking your feelings and your family dynamics into consideration before dropping something like this on you. What is his motive? Shame on him for being selfish. You may have been better off not knowing him anyway.
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