I am so hurt by my mother and family. I'm wondering if they really love me. When I was a teen my mother started dating this guy who seemed so nice in the beginning, then he started to treat my mother bad. They used to argue a lot and it would wake me up at night. One time they argued and my mother left me and my older sister in the house so she could calm down. My sister was sleeping in her room and I was in my room trying to sleep but I heard everything and was awake.
My mom's man came into my room and started to touch me up. I pushed him off of me but he kept feeling me up. I was scared he was going to rape me because he was getting aggressive. I screamed and that is when he finally left. I couldn't sleep that night. The next morning I told my sister what happened. She told me that he tried the same thing with her and that she was afraid to tell mummy because the guy said he would hire someone to burn down our house if he was ever arrested for what he did. She told me that he actually had sex with her and she wasn't a virgin and didn't want mummy to know that either. I told her I would keep her secret. We lived with this rapist and suffered silently.
He would always have sex with my sister but another time he attempted to get me again. This time my mother was at home. I screamed as soon as he came in. My mother came to my room and saw him standing by my bed. She asked what was going on so I told her. He denied it and she believed him. She went as far as to punish me.
I decided to leave and go find my father who was a drug addict. I would rather live on the streets with him then to be in that house. Thank God I didn't have to. I found my dad and he told me to stay with him. I did. Don't worry, I was much safer in my father's house than my mother's. I helped to get him back on his feet and I continued to go to school and graduate. Then I went to college and graduated too. Now I have an apartment of my own and I have a good job.
I didn't see my mother for years. My mother never came to my graduations and she never inquired about my well being. I was forgotten for the sake of a man. My sister is upset with me for leaving her. I do feel guilty about that but she knew where I was so she could have come with me.
I got the guts to reach out to my mother recently and I told her about her boyfriend and what he was up to. She blamed me for being provocative towards him. She told me men are animals and cannot help themselves. She said I should get over it because he never had sex with me. Then I asked her if she knew he had sex with my sister. She said I was making it up because I thought she would leave her man after what I told her about me but because she didn't react how I wanted, I was now trying to include another lie about my sister. I realize now that my mother is a sick woman.
I called my sister and told her. She said I should not have done that and it was her story to tell. She told me now the house is going to get burned down. She is even more angry at me now.
I don't know what to do about my family. I am so hurt by everything. What can I do? I really want to help my sister.
Signed,
Unforgiven
Dear Unforgiven,
This was extremely tough for me to read. Kudos to you for sharing your story on a public platform. The more we share, the more we can help heal those who may be suffering in silence. 💙
It may not seem like it, but yours is a happy ending. You possessed the strength to move yourself out of an unhealthy living environment as a teenager, you sought refuge in your father who was a drug addict but you continued your education and went on to pursue higher education, AND you helped your father to kick his habit! You are a phenomenal young woman, and I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. I hope you realize the power you possess.
As far as your mother is concerned, I'd like to give her a few choice words which would cause her to feel the pain felt by you (and your sister), but instead I'll tell you what a close friend of mine told me when I was having trouble understanding why my family was not reacting to a situation the way I thought they should:
"It's not that they don't care, but some people are unable to deal with the hurt your truth will cause them. They are not strong enough to get down to the nitty gritty and sort through all the emotional turmoil until peace and healing surface. They just can't, and you should stop trying to force them. I know it's difficult to walk away, but you will continue to reopen the wound each time you attempt to get them to "care". Where does that leave you?"
However, this doesn't mean you should become mum to the situation. Speak your truth, just don't expect people to always be receptive of it. Carry on your road to healing. The best thing you can do is talk it out, cry, scream, let go of all the negative emotions. You will feel lighter and FREE! Also, you may want to seek a professional to hold your hand on the emotional roller coaster. You'll need someone to guide you across each hurdle.
Now on to your sister. You'll have to assume the role of older sister in this situation. She is understandably still fearful of your mother's man, and still believes that empty threat about arson. She's going to need an enormous amount of support to break herself free from that man's grip. Be gentle with her; apologize for telling "her story" before she was ready. Explain that your motive was to stop the abuse against her, and see her happy. If you're comfortable, invite her to stay with you in your apartment, and convince her to report your mother's boyfriend to the police. The statute of limitations may have run out on child sex abuse, but she can most certainly charge him with rape since he's still forcibly having sex with her.
See if you can get another trusted family member involved who will be an additional pillar of support for you against your mother and her man. BUT if you find that this all becomes too much for you or you are unable to sway your sister, refer to the italics above.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I wish you all the best. Don't hesitate to reach out for additional assistance, if needed. 💙
Walk good,
#TeamWISY
#RIPSpyda 💚
p.s. What about your father? What's his take on all of this???
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