I am writing to you for advice on my relationship with my father. I will give you a little background information.
I remember seeing my father once when I was five years old. It was at my birthday party, and he brought me a big cake, lots of balloons, and a bicycle. He brought the gifts but he did not stay. I remember I cried for the whole day. I didn’t care about the party or the presents; I just wanted my father to stay with me. I asked my mother about him, and she would always say I should not cry over someone who does not cry over me. To this day, I live by that rule. I show people the same effort they show to me.
I never saw my father again until last month. I am now twenty-eight years old. I was packing up to leave my job when the receptionist called me to tell me that a man was inquiring about me in the lobby. I asked what his name was, and it was my father. I felt so nervous. I sat back down in my chair because I became nauseous. I actually had to use the ladies’ room before I went down to meet him.
I saw him sitting there looking like a vagrant. I was almost embarrassed to admit I know him, but my curiosity wouldn’t allow that. I approached him because he obviously has no idea of what I look like now. I asked “Sir, how may I be of assistance?” He looked at me and told me he was looking for his daughter. He still had no clue who I was. I asked his daughter’s name and he spoke my name. I asked him to follow me. I took him to my office, told him to have a seat, offered him a drink, and he still didn’t know it was me. I asked what his daughter looked like, and he said “Oh! She’s a beauty!” I told him that wasn’t much of a description. He told me that it had been a while since he’d seen her, and that his memory was affected by a bad vehicular accident. I finally had enough and told him that I’d be right back with his daughter. I re-entered my office and extended my hand and introduced myself. He was embarrassed, but I made light of the situation. Something I had grown accustomed to doing when it comes to my father.
Anyway, after talking with him for a bit, I realized that he had sought me out for monetary assistance. He came all the way down town to find me, now that I was an adult, so that he could become a dependent of mine when I was never a dependent of his. My heart softened at the fact that he was in my presence, I guess. I gave him a few thousand the next day. He took the money and ran. I didn’t hear from him for weeks. When he finally got in contact again, he asked for more money. I am tempted to give it to him, but a part of me is telling me that he is only now interested in me since I have become a business owner.
My question is: Do you think he is taking advantage of my soft spot for him? I believe family should stick together, and I also believe that I should forgive him and build a relationship with him now. Please tell me what your perception of his presence is.
Signed,
Wanna Be Daddy’s Girl
WISY’s Advice:
Dear WBDG,
I know what it’s like to desperately want that special daddy/daughter bond. I know what it’s like to want to fill the void that was left by an absent parent. I also know that these emotions of want can cloud our judgment, and cause us to be irrational; allowing behaviors that we know are abnormal and unhealthy. With that said, I hope my words will resonate with you as a means of support and of that which stem from a place of complete comprehension and empathy.
I do not think you should provide additional funds to your father. He managed to locate you once you became successful, knowing he stood a chance of leaving you with a few extra thousand dollars in his pockets. After his first hand out, he disappeared. He only thought to reconnect with you after he depleted his funds. If you give him more money, he will undoubtedly repeat this pattern.
I hope I do not offend you by saying this, but his behavior screams drug addict/alcoholic. You definitely do not want to fuel that. I suggest you ask him what he needs the money for this time. Tell him you will pay whatever it is directly and see what his reaction is. Ask him to visit his home, ask questions about his life, his friends, his JOB (or past jobs, if he isn’t employed). Do not be apprehensive about invading his privacy. He owes you that, at least. If you find that my assumptions are correct, then I see no issue with paying for his rehabilitation. That’s a step in building a healthy relationship with him.
I don’t care who it is, no one should be allowed to enter your life after such an absence, and take from you. His main concern should be to invest time, build a relationship, answer questions, APOLOGIZE, and become a positive addition to your life. Until he can do those things, you should stick by your rule: “I show people the same effort they show to me.”
Walk good,
#TeamWISY
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