He Beats Me!

Dear WISY,

I feel very embarrassed about my current situation.  I haven’t told a soul about what is going on with me.  I don’t have the courage to tell anyone and I feel alone.  I’ve never felt this isolated in my entire life. 

I met this guy about a year ago and we hit it off immediately. We were both born in third world countries so we had some things in common.  He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.  He was perfect.  He bought me gifts and he encouraged me to further my education and was very friendly with my family and friends.  Eventually, we got really serious.  We were talking about marriage and children and all the things a woman would want for her life.  

We went on a trip to his native country and he turned into a totally different person.  He told me that things were different there and my life turned upside down that same day.  He beat me for everything I’d ever done that he didn’t care for.  He called me names and told me I was nothing.  He told me I was spoiled and didn’t deserve anything good.  He only let me eat a small lunch and ate breakfast and dinner in front of me without offering me any.  He only allowed me to call my family once a week and I did so on the one day of the week he didn’t beat me (Sunday).  I endured this treatment for three weeks.  It felt like an eternity.  I vowed that I would have him arrested as soon as we touched American soil again and I told myself that I would leave him. 

On our plane ride back to the states, he told me that it was the custom of the men in his country to beat women.  He told me that if he didn’t do that then we would be frowned upon and disgraced.  I believed him.  It made sense that it was all an act; there was no way he could change so drastically.  I told him I didn’t want to ever visit his home land again and told him I forgave him. 

Stupid me.  The abuse started again that same week.  I have learned to wear make up to cover my marked up skin.  I no longer have a social life, I am always in a bad mood and I am on the verge of losing my job because I have called out sick so many times.  I know there are programs available to me but I really am afraid that someone will see me walk into one of the establishments and tell my business.  I’m afraid to call the police because he has friends that are officers and he says that he will get off and the cops will make my life a living hell.  I don’t know how to get out of this situation. Please help! 

Signed,
Abused 

WISY's Response:

Dear Abused,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation and although you may feel alone and isolated, you are not.  There are many women that feel like they are being held hostage by their abusers with no way out.  Fortunately there are laws and programs in place to help you free yourself from the grip of your abuser.  

You say you're afraid of people knowing your business.  That shouldn't be a concern large enough to keep you from safety.  Besides, there are programs which mandate confidentiality.  You are safe to reach out and get the help you need.  I'm sure the story of the police friends is just a scare tactic used to keep you silent but if you fear that your boyfriend's words are true, you can go directly to a care facility in your area and they will protect you.

You're going to need your family and friends' support.  Don't be embarrassed to tell them what has been going on with you.  Abuse does not discriminate.  It occurs in the most affluent of homes as well as those which are poverty stricken across all races, ages and sex.  Let your loved ones know.  Receiving an outpouring of love and concern will help you heal.

Don't allow anymore of this abuse to continue.  Take photos of your abuse and visit your doctor so that you have medical records to help prove your case.  Map out a plan and stick to it.  I suggest you include a family member or close friend in your plans to ensure you are not deterred.  Get the help you need and gain the confidence to stand against your boyfriend when the law gets a hold of him.  It won't be an easy task.  It will be emotionally draining for you, I'm sure but it's time to regain control of your life.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

P.S.  If you need assistance locating a program in your area, please let me know.  I'm happy to help.