He's Out on Parole

Dear WISY,

Please keep my identity private.  I really am in need of some advice.

About a year ago, I started writing to this guy in prison.  The reason why I started writing to him is because I have been on every dating site and have been trying to meet someone who I could settle down with, but I just couldn't found the right guy for me.  I even started to date a guy who lives in another country, but when we met, there was no chemistry.  I've been trying and trying my hardest to settle down, and writing to a guy in prison was my very last resort.

We wrote to each other a lot.  I sent pictures and he did when he could as well.  We formed a bond that was unlike any other I've experienced.  He was very honest with me.  He explained what caused him to commit the crime that landed him in prison.  I honestly understood him and felt bad that he experienced all that he did.  He's a victim, not a predator.  I got him and he got me.  That's all that mattered.  So, I committed to him and had his back while he was in.  

He recently got out on parole.  He came to stay with me instead of his baby's mother (who he dumped after he met me).  She never supported him so he didn't really have much to think about.  Ever since he got out, the baby's mother has been harassing us.  She is deliberately doing things to provoke him because she wants him to go back in.  She came to my house and rang the doorbell for two hours. She refused to leave without "her man". I wanted to call the cops, but he didn't want the law involved at all.  If he wants to see his daughter, he has to do it on her terms.  She is stressing him out and he's taking it out on me.

We argue all the time now.  He leaves the house all day, uses my bank card and spends hundreds of dollars, and comes back home with an attitude.  I ask him why he is shopping so much and he told me he has an image he needs to keep up 🙄.  He won't have sex with me as much (the baby mama told me he was having sex with her, so that might be why), he calls me out of my name, and has told me he doesn't even love me like that (what does that even mean?).  He is really not the guy I thought I committed to and I think I need to ask him to leave.  The only thing is, I think that will look bad on his parole.  What do I do?

Signed,
Parole Bae

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WISY's Response:

Dear PB,

Ugh...this is toxic AF.  You're being played but I think you know that already.  It's not uncommon to create "perfect" bonds with people in prison.  Inmates often need a mode of escape from their reality and can create characters and personalities that appease their penpals.  You were able to support him in prison and he wanted that support to extend on the outside.  It sounds like that's all he wanted from you.

Don't allow this drama to continue any longer.  He told you he doesn't love you "like that".  Translation:  He doesn't love you. He's saying that you're expecting him to live up to the standards he portrayed himself to be, but you're not worth it to him.  I believe there's a lot you don't know about.  Think about it.  A woman ringing your doorbell for two hours has a lot to say and believes that she is entitled to reach whomever is inside.  She told you she's having sex with him.  Believe her.

Cut your ties and move on.  Don't be concerned with what may or may not look bad for his parole.  He doesn't even like you. So, please don't waste another ounce of concern on him.  Get rid of him and send him to the woman who desperately wants him with her.  Get new banks cards and anything else he's had access to.

I think it's important for me to emphasize that you need to take the time to just be.  It's okay to be single.  You don't have to force anything.  Just exist in your truest form and what and who is for you will come along.  Just chill and heal from this madness.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy

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He Was In Prison for Two Years

Dear WISY, 

My man just came home from prison after two years. During his time in, I was loyal to him. I held it down and kept things in order while he was away. Before he went in, we were a happy couple. We both worked good jobs but he got himself tied up in some dumb shit.  So, in the end, he paid for his stupidity. 

Anyway, I held it down while he was gone and I was excited for him to come home and help me with our responsibilities but he can't because he now has a record. His options are limited even though he is an educated professional.  He f*cked up and I don't feel like I should carry his weight.  It's one thing when you're away but to be sitting up in the house all day, demanding to be treated like you used to is really getting under my skin.

He wants to act like he still runs sh!t and I got used to running things on my own. On top of that, he's accusing me of cheating on him when he was gone.  I swear I haven't even stepped foot outside unless it's to work or grocery shop.  I haven't had time for that.  I had to hold it together.

I'm getting frustrated with his attitude and his inability to contribute.  He's been back a month now.  I know Covid-19 is preventing a lot but I'm 👏🏾sick👏🏾of 👏🏾him! I want to throw him out but I don't want to seem heartless and I especially don't want to feel like an idiot for holding him down just to turn right around and throw him out.

What do you suggest I do? I don't even know if we're still in love. We've been arguing since he got back.

Signed,

Held Him Down

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WISY's Response:

Dear HHD,

You evolved while he was away, and understandably, it's difficult to revert to what once was without his support.  Your man is undoubtedly frustrated with his situation as well, but it's important he understands that he can't just pick up where he left off.  He needs to understand that he may need to reinvent himself or begin from the ground up.  Like you said, the pandemic is making it difficult to connect with employment opportunities, but there are plenty of essential job openings available.  He just has to be willing to change gears as a means to an end.  Try to get him to understand all of that.  It may change his attitude and improve your relationship.  A little therapy may be extremely beneficial for him as well.  Being in prison for 2 years can cause permanent psychological damage if not addressed and treated properly.

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I also want you to understand that you're not obligated to continue to "hold him down" if you're not feeling the love.  Life is a journey and we outgrow people and situations often.  If his energy and presence aren't serving you well, you may want to consider moving on.  You didn't do the crime, so the sentence is not yours to serve.  Don't let time and guilt trick you into staying in an unhealthy situation.

Take everything I've said into consideration and proceed how you please.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Does My Husband Have a Secret Instagram Account?

Dear WISY,

I need help.  I think I'm going crazy.  My man and I have been together for almost 10 years and a while ago this Instagram account tried to follow me but I deleted it.  I found it suspicious because they follow nothing but sexy women and porno pages and some people that me and my man know from high school (including some of HIS exes!!!).  I think it's him. 

I've talked to him about it and he says it's not him and they tried following him too, but he declined the request. Once, while lurking in his phone, I found a picture of one of the models posted on the account! He claims it's  cause he's trying to get to the bottom of who's running the account.  The account also follows people that he knows personally - people I haven't even met!  He says it's not him but I keep thinking about the coincidences. 

My man has always been very honest and trustworthy, we've never had ANY problems of this kind.  I just don't understand why (if it IS him) he would feel the need to make an account for that? 

We're about to be married too!  Please help!  I'm going crazy!!

Signed,

Slowly going insane 😭

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WISY's Response:

Dear SGI,

I don't get the feeling that this account belongs to your husband.  If he was up to no good, the last thing he would want is to draw your attention to his activities.  It may just be some creep from high school trying to stir up some trouble.

Ease your mind and have fun getting ready for your marriage!!  Wishing you two all the best!

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Confessions of a Wild Vacation

Dear WISY,

I've been a bad girl on vacation. I'm now dating a 33 year old who is married with 1 child. He met me and liked how I move. His wife is an Adventist and he sells (withheld), he's a hustling gangster. Anyway, I've got to wait until next week to find out if I'm pregnant. My man has been entertaining other women so I got my entertainment too.

Well, I would want to be the only woman, but guess what - before 7 a.m., he's already at my house in (location withheld) to bring me my daily 🍆 then he goes to work. By midday, I'm at his job and getting driven home by him or he gets somebody to take me. He doesn't like me walking on the street.

After work, if I'm not with him, he takes wifey home from work at 8 p.m. Sometimes he's back at my house within the hour or less. We've talked so we are clear I'm not to get attached. That's when he tells me "Baby, my wife can't have no more kids & I want a boy."

I'm like "f*ck baby, I have to pay $10,000 to unblock [my tubes]. Dude jumped up and said he will pay it. I'm like oh boy🤦🏾‍♀️.

So, for a while I was confused. The last week in (location withheld), I decided to tattoo his alias on my chest, we f*cked twice and he didn't notice it until the day after I got back to (location withheld). It made him smile so much.

We're taking things slow and being close friends, but the pregnancy caught me off guard. All I know is I'm in for it. I haven't broken up with my man yet. I tried.

Signed,
Oh Boy

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WISY's Response:

Dear Oh Boy,

Wow!  There's so much going through my head right now, but the first thing of concern is how you will fare knowing that this is somewhat of a transaction.  You stated that you understand that you are not to get attached and you know he is married.  You are ending your current relationship to possibly give birth to this man's child without any proper commitment.  Have you thought about your emotional state through all of that?  Have you thought about what may happen when his wife finds out about the arrangement?

I feel like you're selling yourself short here.  I want to encourage you to get involved with those who can give you 100% of themselves.  Your soon-to-be ex seems like he was playing games and now this guy is married and is very comfortable giving you daily 🍆 and a possible baby.  He seems like the type who could potentially cause you a lot of hurt and pain.  If he does it with you, he will do it to you.  You feel me?  All of what he's been doing for you would be wonderful if he wasn't already involved with someone else.  You deserve someone who is completely committed to you and your happiness.  Now, if he decides to divorce his wife and settle down with you and start a family, I could get on board with that.  I would have still advised you to end one relationship before starting another one though.

Whatever you decide, I hope you are okay in the end.  

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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I'm Pregnant. Is it My Husband's or My Boyfriend's?

Dear WISY, 

I just found out that I'm pregnant and don't know if the father is my husband or my boyfriend. 

I have been to hell and back with my husband. He has another family with a woman he never stopped seeing. She didn't know we were married; she thought he was always gone away on business. She said she got suspicious when he stopped paying bills at their house. He has cheated on me with women at his job (and many more I'm sure), he is just never here for me and I ended up seeing someone else. 

My husband supports me 100% so it's been difficult to leave him...even after I found out about the other family. I don't think the baby is my husband's because we have been unable to conceive all this time. I knew I might get pregnant with my boyfriend but we never have protected sex. I do believe the baby is his because my husband and I never got pregnant before. 

I don't know what to do. I feel some shame and embarrassment. My boyfriend is no position to financially help me or this baby. I am afraid of my husband's anger too. I am so disappointed that I have met this situation. Please advise me. This was difficult for me to send, so no judgement. 

Signed,

I Don't Know

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WISY's Advice:

Dear IDK,

My goodness. This is an unfortunate situation and there's no easy way out of it.  I know people may say to wait it out and be silent about it until the baby is born, but I don't believe there is any more room for deception (or the possibility of it) in this relationship.  Plus, I just don't believe in toying with people's emotions when it comes to these situations.  Be upfront and face the music.  You should come clean about what's been going on.  

Before you reveal the news, you should build a circle of support to lean on.  Your husband, although he has carried on with his own deception, will probably feel betrayed.  He may retaliate by removing you from his home and cutting off the financial support.  I'm hoping you have family/friends who will stand by you and assist you until you can support yourself. 

Once the baby is born, get a paternity test to confirm your assumption.  In the future, practice honesty and integrity.  Be honest about your feelings in your relationship, do not stand for a sub par commitment just because you are being supported financially, and do not practice acts that will bring you shame and embarrassment.  

This may all be an overdue blessing in disguise.  I hope for the best possible outcome for you and your baby.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY 

I Don't Want to Get Infected - She's Positive, I'm Negative

Dear WISY,

I'm a negative woman in love with a positive woman.  I really love her a lot and would like to spend the rest of my life with her, but the question is, how do I avoid getting infected?  What should I do and what should I not do?

Signed,
A Caring Lover

Teaching About Sexuality and HIV

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WISY's Advice:

Dear ACL,

I'm not sure of your location and your level of access to quality healthcare, but there are drugs currently available that reduce the chances of transmitting HIV (I'm assuming you're referring to HIV.  Please correct me if I'm wrong) from partner to partner.  You and your partner should both visit a physician for the best possible healthcare advice.  My knowledge is limited but I can say that you should always practice safe sex.  Use dental dams for oral sex, use toys to pleasure each other without exchanging body fluids.  If you can't, then abstain.  As I said previously, my knowledge is limited, so please seek the advice of a professional.

I hope everything works out for the best.
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Walk good,
#TeamWISY