He Brought Another Woman Into Our Home

Dear WISY,

I’m a woman in my late 40s.  I have two children and I’ve been married for almost 15 years.  I am very career driven and travel a lot in order to maintain my position at my company.  I am determined to advance to the highest level here.  Unfortunately, my drive at work has caused some issues at home.  My children don't get to see me often and I feel terrible about it, so I spoil them with whatever they want.

My husband has been cheating on me and I’ve always had a hunch.  I knew for sure when my youngest started speaking of the woman, and said that my husband brought her to our home.  My youngest is 8 and doesn’t really understand that another woman in our home poses an issue.  My 15 year old is a boy and he’s always out playing sports and hanging with his friends.  When he’s at home he is always playing the PlayStation.  He wouldn’t know the house was burning until it’s too late, so he hasn’t noticed anything.

I asked my husband about it and he asked me what I expected if I was always gone and chose my career over my family.  I don’t see it that way; I am doing all of this for my family.  We are well off and it’s not become of my husband’s income, it’s because of mine.  I feel like my husband is being ungrateful and unreasonable.  He asked me to scale back at work and spend more time with my family or he was going to file for divorce.  I never expected this.  I thought we were fine.  I thought we were doing what we were supposed to be doing as a couple.

Do you think I should let him leave?  It’s obvious that he doesn’t respect our union because he brought someone into our private space.  I don’t think it’s fair to sacrifice my dreams to appease a man.

Please offer your advice.

Signed,

Career Woman

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WISY's Advice:

Dear CW,

Life is all about balance.  If you invest too much time into one thing, of course everything else will suffer.  While, I don't condone your husband's actions, you should take his advice and scale back a bit for the sake of your family, especially your children.  I admire your drive, and I agree that you should pursue your career to the highest level possible, but I don't want you to look up from work one day and realize that your children are grown and you never took the opportunity to establish a valuable relationship with them.  Children who feel emotionally neglected develop behavioral problems and there's no amount of gifts that can fix that.  They need their mother.

Usually I'm not the type to overlook betrayal, but if you think about it, your husband could argue that you've betrayed him also.  You've chosen to prioritize work over your family.  His talk about divorce is a cry for help.  Listen to him.  If he really wanted a divorce, he would tell you he's divorcing you instead of giving you an ultimatum.  I recommend you see a marriage counselor to work through this with your husband.  I'd just hate for your children to permanently lose a parent at home.  They're already dealing with your constant absence, please begin to consider their well-being.  

I really hope that you can work this out.  Again, balance can turn this situation around for the better.  If you are unable to see past his infidelity, then I hope you've both learned valuable lessons.  Whatever you decide, don't continue to neglect the children.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

I Caught Him Cheating with...

Dear WISY,

I'm in a very hurtful situation and I need help.  I found out that my man is having an affair with my friend.  I caught the both of them in my bed when I came home early from work.  They were so into each other that they didn't realize that I was watching them for about 30 seconds before they saw me.  My man was telling my friend that he loves her and that he can't wait until they don't have to hide anymore.

I can't believe that my friend would do this to me.  I took her in when she didn't have anywhere else to go and I have been helping her and encouraging her during this hard time.  She knows how much I love my man.  I don't understand why she would do this to me.  

Since I caught them, my man has been apologizing and being extremely nice to me.  I don't really blame him because men will be men.  I'm trying to work it out with him.  My friend is also trying to make amends, but I don't want anything to do with her.  My man told me she was the one who came on to him and seduced him.  He's really sorry and I believe him.

I need help getting over his betrayal.  What should I do?

Signed,
Hurt

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WISY's Response:

Dear Hurt,

I know this situation cut you deep and I'm sorry you had to experience it.

First, I can't ignore the fact that these words ("he loves her and that he can't wait until they don't have to hide anymore") didn't resonate with you enough to realize that you need to dump the both of them.  Second, why are you so quick to dismiss your friend and not your man?  If anything, he owes you more loyalty than she does.  Third, men will be men doesn't fly when you're in a committed relationship.

The best way to get over the betrayal is to throw out the trash, burn your sheets (maybe the  mattress too), and rally your true friends to uplift you during this difficult time.  You are probably having feelings of inadequacy, hence your willingness to forgive him and have the opportunity to prove yourself.  So, you'll need lots of honest and positive energy surrounding you now.

The truth is:  some people will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you allow it.  They will continue to push their limits until their behavior becomes the norm.  Don't get caught in the trap.  He got away with sleeping with your friend and will continue to cheat because you are indirectly allowing it.

Wash you hands, go get tested for STDs and move on.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I'm Afraid to Tell the Truth

Dear WISY,

I need your advice.  I just graduated college last month and I was expected to find a job right away, but that isn't realistic.  My family has such high expectations of me because I'm the first to graduate from high school AND college.  They don't understand that it's difficult to graduate and land your dream job right away.

Anyway, I've been seeing an older gentleman who is wealthy.  He's been helping me pay bills and staying afloat.  Actually, he's paying all my bills and is spoiling me to death.  I've been sending my parents money and they think I'm getting it from my new job.  I lied and told them I have a job with a reputable company and when I go on trips with my boo, I tell them it's for business.

My parents are coming to see me next month and I'm going to have to tell them the truth.  My boo thinks they already know the truth and is excited to meet them so that's another issue I have.  I'm really nervous about it all.  Please tell me how to approach this with my parents and my boo.

Signed,
Graduate Baby

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WISY's Response:

Dear GB,

Start explaining, love!  The last thing you want is to be caught in a big bag of confusion when your boo and your parents meet.  I'm guessing that you foresee some non approval, hence the reason to deceive your parents in the first place.  All I can say here is that honesty is the best policy.  Explain to your parents that a degree doesn't guarantee a dream job and explain to your boo that your parents may not approve of your relationship.  Ultimately, both will appreciate your honesty.

I encourage you to vigorously pursue your career.  I'm assuming your man has a business of some sort and may be well connected in the area so utilize his network to your advantage.  Don't let the trips and ease he brings deter you from your initial goals.  Being the first in your family to accomplish this level of education translates so much about your character and spirit.  I have a feeling that you are capable of great things.  There's nothing wrong with being pampered and taken care of but I think you'll feel more fulfillment if you provide some of that for yourself.  Just don't get too comfortable.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I am #TeamSideChick!

Dear WISY, 

I've been a side chick for the past 5 years, and I read your letter today and got angry.  Sometimes men are trapped by guilt and don't want to leave their wives because of kids, but they really do love the side woman. 

My man cries every single night when he has to go back home.  He doesn't even have sex with his wife. He loves me and I love him but sometimes people who are in love can't be together. It's not always black and white so stop trying to speak for the men who have side chicks.  He could really love her. 

Being a side chick has its ups and downs but I'm happy with my man and I know where he his if he isn't with me - most of you all can't say that.  Because he knows I'm holding on even though he's married I get lots of gifts.  I just got a new Benz so stay over there and keep judging me while I'm sitting pretty. 

Signed,
#TeamSideChick! 

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WISY's Response:

Dear #TSC,

I see I've struck a nerve.  I appreciate and welcome your letter.  I'll use this opportunity to help you come to a realization.

So you're telling me that material items fill the void your man leaves when he goes home to his wife and children?  I don't believe that.  At some point you will need fulfillment on a spiritual level, and deep down inside I believe you have come to that realization, but are putting up this facade.  

You stated that you got angry.  That speaks volumes.  You know you're on the short end of the stick and that letter was a reminder.  You're probably disappointed in yourself and you may be afraid that you will never have the man you love in his entirety.  I would be angry too.  However, I would drive as far away as I could in that brand new Benz, disappear into the sunset and give thanks that I didn't hold on until it was too late.  

I hope I've been a beacon of light for you.  Besides, there are many men that can provide exclusivity and perks!  Stop selling yourself short and hop on the #TeamWifey train! 😉

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

I Don't Want to be the Side Chick Anymore

Dear WISY,  

I've been with my man for 12 years and I am tired of the situation we're in. My man is married and I always have to play second fiddle, but I'm the one he loves. His wife just has the money from her family inheritance. They live in a big house with a pool and nice cars They also own a restaurant in downtown (location withheld). 

I want him for me.  I told him to divorce her and get alimony because he stays home with the kids so he can easily get custody of those boys.  I told him I'm giving him until the end of June to tell her or else I'm telling everything. 

I've been pregnant 3 times.  One time I miscarried, and the other times I had an abortion. I want to have his child now and his wife is stopping us from being happy.  I went to my friend who said she could help me but she took my money and nothing happened.  I just want him for myself now and I'm tired of hiding for 12 years.  Do u think I'm wrong? 

He said he's going to leave her but he's been saying that for years. I'm a smart woman so I know he's just stringing me along but do you think he will eventually follow my advice? I want to know if I should start messing with these men who want me badly.  Please tell me if I should start f*#!@ these other men with money and forget about love.

Regards,
Sidey

WISY's Response:

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Dear Sidey,

I get letters like this one from time to time and I often wonder what your lovers are doing to make you settle for second place, especially in your case of 12 years.  I honestly would like to know.  Are you also reaping the benefits of the family money?  

Anyway, let's move on.  Do I think he will eventually follow your advice?  Why should he?  He's had you at his disposal for 12 years, he doesn't owe you anything, you don't have children with him, and you don't have the perks to offer like his wife does.  Plus, who's to say he's not in love with her?  Maybe he's just been saying that he doesn't just like he's been saying that he's going to leave her for you.  Wise up, "smart woman".  He's not going to leave his wife.

It's best you move on quietly.  Give yourself some time to accept that the relationship is over and then find a man to have a truly committed relationship with.  I'm sorry it took you this long to realize that you should consider the other men, but don't let money be your driving force.  Engage these men with intentions to love and have an open and honest relationship with - free from all the extracurricular drama.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY