Dear WISY,
I need your advice. I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children (10 and 12 yrs old). My husband cheated on me and I found out in very awkward way. His girlfriend is his subordinate and she is married. His one year affair was blown up by his girlfriend's husband. I asked my husband to resign to break the connection. He resigned and offered to move countries to start from scratch.
While preparing our move, I was so emotional - I slapped and kicked him because I was hurt and I asked him to get out of the house in the middle of the night. That happened in one month. After I kicked him out of the house, he told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, but he would stick it out for our children.
In the three months after that, our life was like a roller coaster. I feel hurt at the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore. In the same time, my husband was under pressure to find a new job and also the situation in his office didn't help. His girlfriend divorced and her daughter was raised by her husband. Many blamed him in that situation.
Two months ago we moved to Netherlands. We look fine from the outside, but we don’t sleep together anymore. It’s more like a business partner instead of husband and wife for the sake of our children.
If you ask me what I want, I still want to keep our marriage together. Sometimes, I miss all the love, but he said he doesn’t love me anymore because I hurt him and didn’t help him during his bad days (after people knew about the affair). Is it possible for love disappear like that? What should I do?
Signed,
Dear WSID,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know this has to be a difficult situation to be in, especially with children involved. I have a couple of thoughts about this, and I really hope I can help you navigate through this.
Yes, I do believe people can fall out of love. Personal paths pertaining to career or other activities can drive distance between a couple. That's why it's important to communicate and compromise. It is also helpful if couples continue to "date" each other after marriage to keep the spark alive. In your case, I don't think your husband's love for you has disappeared. I just think he doesn't like himself right now and it's difficult to like anyone when experiencing inner conflict.
I can understand your desire to maintain some type of normalcy for your children by remaining in a living situation with your husband. Initially, I thought of this as an exemplary display of parenting, but after some thought, I believe that it could be more damaging for your children if you are not careful. I say this because your husband has expressed his changed feelings and you have spoken on your outbursts. It's important to contain any negative behavior toward each other out of sight and earshot of the children.
In situations like this, family and couples therapy will play a beneficial role in the success of the situation. Therapy will help you figure out the direction you should take. While going through your healing process, do not allow your husband to blame you for any part of this situation. I think it's absurd for him to place any fault on you for not "supporting him during his bad days". He created this situation and he needs to be mature and stop pointing the finger at you for something he caused. Again, I believe these words are a result of his inner turmoil.
With that said, I do believe that there is hope for the marriage because of your husband's willingness to move out of the country and attempt a fresh start. Ultimately, I think there is a lot of emotional work that needs to happen between you two if you want to salvage the marriage. Just be sure that you both are on the same page - whether it be to rekindle the flame, live together to co-parent with established agreements or decide to call it quits. Being on the same page will make the world of difference now and in the future.
Walk good,
#TeamWISY
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