He Cheated! What Did I Do Wrong?

Dear WISY,

Please help me out.  I am very distraught right now because my bisexual boyfriend is cheating on me with a guy from our yoga class!

The guy from yoga told me last night that my man was sleeping with him on the low.  He said he hates how my man comes into class with me and pretends to be the perfect boyfriend knowing damn well he's screwing him, and that's why he decided to tell me.  He said he doesn't want him for a relationship, but always admired my man's body.

At first I didn't believe him but he told me to go through the dirty clothes hamper and he can tell me what color undies my man wore this week.  He knew every single pair of underwear that he wore.  He told me to check to see if they smelled like condoms because he doesn't let f*ck boys shower at his house.  I checked and they smell like condoms, and we don't use condoms.  He said he's seen him four times already this week.  So, my man has been making time throughout his days to go see this dude and STILL comes home to me to give me the business every night!  Who does that?!

I can't believe this.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to even approach him.  We've been together for three years and we've always been open and honest with each other.  We have threesomes with guys and girls.  Judge if you want to, but our relationship is amazing.  I don't know what I did to make him want more or to feel like he couldn't ask me to sleep with the guy.  I honestly would not have a problem with it.  That's just who we are.

I feel betrayed.  Please help me out with this one.  Thanks!

Signed,
Miss Open Minded

Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women

Toxic Relationships: Six Signs That You Are In A Toxic Relationship (Relationship and Dating Advice)

WISY's Response:

Dear Miss OM,

I'm not here to judge but I'll say this:  with some people, it doesn't matter how much you cater to their needs or how much you compromise for their happiness - it won't satisfy them.  When a person has internal turmoil, there's absolutely nothing you can do to completely quell the fire that burns within them.  These types of people are toxic, and will leave you emotionally drained, questioning your own self-worth.  

Since you give him a pass to sleep with other people, he probably feels minimal need to consult with you first.  Think about it - if you continually grant him his wishes, why bother asking, he already knows the answer.  It doesn't make it right, I'm trying to get you to understand his thought process.  Let this be a lesson to you.  When you are involved in an open relationship, you need to establish boundaries, otherwise these sorts of things happen.

I have an uneasy feeling that I'd like to express.  My gut is telling me that this isn't the first time your man has secretly been involved with someone.  You said you don't use condoms with him, so I hope he's protecting himself with everyone else.  I hope he at least respects you enough to do that.  When was the last time you got tested for STDs?

Confront your man and express your feelings of betrayal.  Give him the opportunity to come clean, then decide how you want to proceed from there.  If you are willing to work through his issues with him, then do so, but understand it's a long, difficult process that should be carried out with the aide of a professional therapist.  If you decide to walk away from the relationship, then do so with the lesson you learned from this one.  Whatever you decide, understand that his actions do not determine your worth.  There's no need to question what you did wrong.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY