My Dad is a Cheater

Dear WISY,

I've always loved my father and have always been daddy's girl but I hate my father now.  I'm so disgusted by him and have lost so much respect for him.  He's always been what I've based my choice of men on but all this time I've based everything on a lie because my father is cheating on my mom!

I'm in college and I came home last month for a long weekend.  I didn't tell my parents I was coming and couldn't wait to surprise them.  I got to my house and went upstairs quietly because I saw that my dad was at home.  I crept up the stairs and heard noises coming from my room.  At first, I thought my parents were in my room being gross but then I remembered mom's car was not in the driveway.  I knocked on the door and my father asked who it was.  When I told him it was me, I heard all kinds of commotion in my room and he told me to go downstairs until he came out.  I refused and he explained that he made my room into his gym and didn't want me to be upset that he took my room.  I pretended to go downstairs but went into the bathroom and watched to see what was really going on.  I nearly threw up when I saw this woman come out of my room with my dad.

I yelled at them both and ran downstairs.  My father just stared at me and the woman went running back into my room.  I left my house and haven't spoken to my dad since.  I don't ever want to speak with him again or see him for that matter.  My mom keeps asking me what my Thanksgiving plans are and I want to tell her what happened but I don't want to break her heart.  My mother is very sensitive and emotional.  She is the most selfless, loving person I know and she is a devoted wife.  She doesn't handle conflict well and has bouts with depression for the slightest things.  I don't think she could handle hearing this.

Do you think I should tell her or should I keep the peace?  I don't think I can ever have a relationship with my dad again.  I feel like there's an ugly side to him which he's been hiding.

Signed,
Disgusted

WISY's Response:

Dear Disgusted,

This is a tough one.  First, you should speak with your father and express your disappointment - let him know exactly how you feel about what you witnessed.  Beginning the healing process between you two is important.  He's your father and you cannot go the rest of your life without speaking to him especially since, from what you say, he's been exemplary until now.  He's human and he made a tragic mistake but try to forgive him for your own sake.  Forgiveness is key to a happy and healthy existence.

I understand that you don't want your mother to be hurt and I believe I have a good sense of the type of person she is.  Devastating her with this news could be life changing and I know you will feel guilty for bringing forth this sudden shift in her world.  Personally, I would want to know and would normally advise you to tell your mother but we're all different and I have to consider her fragile nature.  With that said, wait to see how you feel after you speak with your father.  Maybe being a disappointment to his daughter will straighten him up and motivate him to work with your mother to fill whatever voids he may have.  If you are still compelled to tell your mother then give your father the burden of delivering the news.  He needs to be at the forefront of this situation.

Again, I want to emphasize the importance of considering your mother's reaction to this and honestly, I think you've already answered your own question when describing her.  If anything, working to heal the relationship between you and your father may be the ultimate issue here.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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