Dear WISY,
I think I made a huge mistake. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost six months now. We moved in together after a short time of three weeks, but our connection was so powerful that I was sure that it was the right thing to do. We did it even though it is against our family's beliefs. I felt as though I was addicted to him and I didn't want to live away from him.
As if we are not already outside of our family's beliefs, my boyfriend has a child that he had out of wedlock. The child's mother is not very stable so my boyfriend is very hands on with his daughter. She is with us most of the time. His daughter is six years old and she is rude and doesn't like me. I told her that she has to be respectable in my house. My boyfriend thought I overstepped my boundaries and told me to leave the disciplining to him. I agreed, but I am struggling with this little girl and her nasty attitude.
Her behavior has caused some problems with me and my boyfriend. I don't think it's right for me to be uncomfortable in my own home. I do not condone rude behavior from children, and I am going to explode soon. His daughter looked me right in my eyes and told me that I am not her mother and a child did not come from my body, so I should not tell her to behave. Then she cried to her father that I am always mean to her. All I was trying to do was tell her it's time to take a bath.
I do not want to end things with my boyfriend, but his daughter is successfully driving me away. I don't want to upset him either. What should I do to make things better?
Signed,
Stepmom
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| Image by Joel McGInley from Pixabay |
WISY's Response:
Dear Stepmom,
I think that your feelings are valid in this situation. I understand that you don't want to upset your boyfriend, and I think it's wise of you to tread lightly in this delicate situation, but you should speak up.
I get the feeling that his stance on his daughter comes from him feeling the need to compensate for the instability of his daughter's mother. Perhaps he feels a sense of guilt for creating her with a woman who is unstable, so he overlooks her behavior in efforts to "over love" her. While his intent is rooted in a loving place, it is incorrect and damaging. He is doing his daughter an injustice by allowing her to be rude.
Also, it's important for us to give children an understanding heart and credit them for understanding more about their surroundings than we think. Your boyfriend's daughter is likely suffering from some sort of trauma or insecurity as a result of her parenting situation. I don't know what kind of instability baby girl's mother is experiencing, but it's likely that she has been affected from it all. He behavior is a direct result. And it's possible that she resents you simply for not being her mother.
When you talk to your boyfriend, approach it gently. Tell him that you understand the factors that I've mentioned above, but you need to feel respected, validated, appreciated, and ultimately, comfortable in your own home. Tell him that you'd love to help him nurture his daughter. Tell him that you're his partner in ever aspect of the word, and that your actions to correct his daughter are not an attack. This should open his eyes and improve the situation. If he resists, be patient, but not so patient that this situation becomes the norm for the long run.
Walk good,
#TeamWIsy
I get the feeling that his stance on his daughter comes from him feeling the need to compensate for the instability of his daughter's mother. Perhaps he feels a sense of guilt for creating her with a woman who is unstable, so he overlooks her behavior in efforts to "over love" her. While his intent is rooted in a loving place, it is incorrect and damaging. He is doing his daughter an injustice by allowing her to be rude.
Also, it's important for us to give children an understanding heart and credit them for understanding more about their surroundings than we think. Your boyfriend's daughter is likely suffering from some sort of trauma or insecurity as a result of her parenting situation. I don't know what kind of instability baby girl's mother is experiencing, but it's likely that she has been affected from it all. He behavior is a direct result. And it's possible that she resents you simply for not being her mother.
When you talk to your boyfriend, approach it gently. Tell him that you understand the factors that I've mentioned above, but you need to feel respected, validated, appreciated, and ultimately, comfortable in your own home. Tell him that you'd love to help him nurture his daughter. Tell him that you're his partner in ever aspect of the word, and that your actions to correct his daughter are not an attack. This should open his eyes and improve the situation. If he resists, be patient, but not so patient that this situation becomes the norm for the long run.
Walk good,
#TeamWIsy
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His daughter is doing what most children do when they feel like someone is replacing their parent. They should have waited to move in together so he could break things down for her
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