My Friends Keep Ghosting Me

Dear WIsy,

I am writing because I realize that I have trouble keeping friends. It seems that I always lose friendships after I have become close with someone.  When I make friends, there is nothing that I withhold. I’m a real and genuine person who is very selfless and I would give my last for my friends. However, people still leave me high and dry. I don’t understand it. 

The most recent friendship that I lost hurt a lot. I made sure to call her everyday. I made sure that I was there any time she needed me and stuff, and she told me that she needed some time to herself. I don’t understand. If she’s going through something, she knows I would be there for her. Why would she need a break from me? I’m puzzled for real. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Anonymous

WIsy's Response:

Dear Anonymous,

I wish you provided me with a few more details, but a couple of thoughts come to mind after reading through your letter.

First, judging from your question as to why your friend would need a break from you, it sounds like you may be smothering your friends.  You do not have to call your friends everyday.  It's absolutely okay and healthy for you to miss a day or more of communication.  The number of instances of communication is not what makes a friendship strong; it's respect, love, and support that builds and sustains friendships.  These qualities are not diminished by missing a day or more of communication.  Remember:  quality over quantity.  I have some follow up questions:  How are you showing up when your friend "needs" you?  What are you telling her?  What do your actions look like?

My other thought is that your friends may be using you.  You show up for them in their time of need and once things are alright with them again, they no longer see a need to have you around.  Have you noticed this pattern?  Have any of your ex-friends tried to rekindle the relationship?  If so, what state were they in?  Did you find yourself in a position where you were helping them through an issue?

If I were you, I'd take a break to analyze my own behaviors and patterns.  What types of friends are you choosing for yourself?  How do they show up for YOU? Is the support reciprocated?  Are you unreasonable with your expectations?  What does your ideal friendship look like?

I'd love it if you would follow up with more details.  Until then...

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴