My Husband Doesn't Know What I've Been Up To

 Dear WIsy,

I have something I need to get off of my chest.  I think that if I tell you then I am one step closer to becoming better.

I met my husband when I was in high school.  We dated, went to prom together and all that.  Everyone expected us to continue our relationship after high school and be that high school sweetheart couple that everyone loves and that's exactly what happened.  We went to different colleges but spent as much time together as we could (virtually and in person).  We motivated each other to do well and graduate on time.  Our families were very proud.  We got engaged and then married some time after and we have four children together.  Picture perfect as you can see.

The problem is, I became bored.  I began to look for entertainment on dating sites and followed through with a few people.  I have been entertaining men and women.  I have been entertaining younger and older people.  I just wanted to see what it all felt like! I felt like I lost out on a lot of things because I was just with my husband since high school.

I feel bad about my choices but I also feel like I want to continue to entertain other people.  To be specific, I met a younger guy who is a bartender. He has been amazing so far.  We have had a lot of fun together.  This guy is hard for me to move on from.  There is something about him that captivates me.  I am fearful that I will get caught up.  On top of that, I think my husband is suspecting something.

Is there something I can do to help separate myself from someone?  I need to regain control of my emotions before I lose everything that I love.

Signed,

Anonymous Wife

WIsy's Response:

Dear Anonymous Wife,

You said "I need to regain control of my emotions before I lose everything that I love".  Please determine what it is that you truly love.  If you truly loved your husband and family, the fear of losing them would be your reason to do right.  I understand that you may have become bored, I really do, but did you talk about any of this with your husband?  You both committed to each other at a really young age.  Perhaps, he may be feeling some of the same things that you are.  Perhaps, you two could explore things together.  Begin the conversation.  Whether or not you choose to confess is up to you, but please express how you're feeling to your partner.  If you feel that you need support during this process, please consider couples therapy.

You're human; your interests will evolve, but the way in which you have chosen to remedy your boredom is reckless. Utilize the internet for some exciting couples activities instead of dating apps.  And if you can't tear yourself away from the single life then that may be an indication that you've outgrown your marriage.  You'll only sort through all of this if you communicate.  So, please start there.

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴

My Friends Keep Ghosting Me

Dear WIsy,

I am writing because I realize that I have trouble keeping friends. It seems that I always lose friendships after I have become close with someone.  When I make friends, there is nothing that I withhold. I’m a real and genuine person who is very selfless and I would give my last for my friends. However, people still leave me high and dry. I don’t understand it. 

The most recent friendship that I lost hurt a lot. I made sure to call her everyday. I made sure that I was there any time she needed me and stuff, and she told me that she needed some time to herself. I don’t understand. If she’s going through something, she knows I would be there for her. Why would she need a break from me? I’m puzzled for real. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Anonymous

WIsy's Response:

Dear Anonymous,

I wish you provided me with a few more details, but a couple of thoughts come to mind after reading through your letter.

First, judging from your question as to why your friend would need a break from you, it sounds like you may be smothering your friends.  You do not have to call your friends everyday.  It's absolutely okay and healthy for you to miss a day or more of communication.  The number of instances of communication is not what makes a friendship strong; it's respect, love, and support that builds and sustains friendships.  These qualities are not diminished by missing a day or more of communication.  Remember:  quality over quantity.  I have some follow up questions:  How are you showing up when your friend "needs" you?  What are you telling her?  What do your actions look like?

My other thought is that your friends may be using you.  You show up for them in their time of need and once things are alright with them again, they no longer see a need to have you around.  Have you noticed this pattern?  Have any of your ex-friends tried to rekindle the relationship?  If so, what state were they in?  Did you find yourself in a position where you were helping them through an issue?

If I were you, I'd take a break to analyze my own behaviors and patterns.  What types of friends are you choosing for yourself?  How do they show up for YOU? Is the support reciprocated?  Are you unreasonable with your expectations?  What does your ideal friendship look like?

I'd love it if you would follow up with more details.  Until then...

Walk good,

#TeamWIsy🌴