💰 I Did It All For the Money 💰

Dear WISY,

Please keep me private.  I have a confession to make, but I am afraid of being exposed.  I have been carrying a burden for some time now, and I need to purge.  Please do not reveal my identity. This is long.

I met a woman at a store in the mall.  She was very friendly with me and she offered to buy my items for me.  At first I was asking myself why she would just offer me these things, but I decided not to question it and just be grateful for this unexpected blessing like my grandma always told me to do.  I started thinking about how I could use the money I saved to buy more food to eat and maybe some dinner too.  She talked to me for what felt like an eternity, but I tried to look interested in what she was saying because she bought me stuff.  I told her that I had to go and we took each other's numbers.  She asked me if it was okay for her to call me to hang out sometimes because she doesn't have a lot of friends she can trust and she wants to start fresh with some new friends.  I told her it would be cool with me.

Anyway, I went about my business and I honestly forgot about that lady.  A few weeks passed and she called me, but I couldn't pick up the phone.  A few seconds later she texted me and asked me to come hang out with her.  I did everything I could to find an excuse, but in the end I ended up telling her I was available to hang out.  We made plans and everything seemed normal.

The night comes for us to hang out and we go to a nice lounge first.  She starts to talk my head off again.  She kept the drinks flowing and she seemed to know everyone in there.  She started to get real personal with her conversation.  She told me that she was into all kinds of kinky sex and that she liked the way I looked.  She started to describe the shape of my body and what she would do to me.  She told me that she was willing to pay me to have sex with her and do the things she loves.  I laughed at first, but she told me that she was serious and took a stack of cash out of her purse to show me.  She told me it was mine if I would come home with her.  Honestly, I was blinded by the money and I was a little drunk too.  I went with her that night.  I got $2,000 for a night of pleasure I can barely remember.

So, I've been doing things with her for about a year now.  This lady is rich!  She uses her money to get whatever she wants all of the time.  She took me to get a passport and she took me on trips.  When we went to a certain country, she had some men run a train on me.  I was embarrassed about it, but I was loving the money.  I'm just being honest, I've never had that type of money before.  She advised me on how to invest and it seemed like she really cared about my well-being.   The thing is, ever since the incident in the other country, she has been asking for more and more risky things and I have been accepting it for the money.  The last thing she asked for hurt me and I want to stop doing things with her.  To be completely honest with you, I have been with her husband, her boyfriends, her friends (men and women), and some of her family members too.  

I wasn't able to see her for a while because I was injured from what she did the last time and it seemed like she didn't understand.  She was becoming really aggressive towards me and had been threatening to tell my boyfriend and parents about what I've been doing.  She is like a different person.  So, I told her that I would come out that night and she changed back into an angel.  I was scared and in pain, but I still went out with her.  Of course she asked me to do some stuff for her, but I couldn't.  She was frustrated with me because of that - like, totally turned back into a demon.  She disappeared for a while, and honestly, I was relieved, but the next thing I know, my boyfriend walks in to the place and he looked so disgusted by me.  I asked him what he was doing there and he told me that he knew it all.  The lady had told him everything.  He asked me to never contact him again or he would tell everyone.  She then told me that she paid him to keep quiet, but she could easily change that.  I love my boyfriend and I can't believe she took him from me.  Should I try to contact him even though he asked me not to?

I feel like I'm her prisoner now.  I am willing to let her tell it all at this point.  Should I call her bluff?  I'm tired and I think I have saved and invested enough money to make all of what I did worth it.  Please don't judge me. I just need help with dealing with this.

Signed,

Paid

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

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WISY's Response:

Dear Paid,

I omitted some information from your letter because it was just too much for me to publish.   The things you've been through are disturbing and I just can't.  You knew from your first encounter with this woman that something was off, but you ignored it.  From now on, learn to trust your gut.  Not every gesture of "kindness" is a blessing.  You seem young and impressionable and that's why it was so easy for you to be manipulated in this way for this long or you could just love money.  Either way, I'm glad you've reached a point where you realize that it's time to end the madness.

Take what you have gained from this situation - the lesson, the money, and the financial advice and run!  You are worth more than being someone's fantasy puppet.  If she exposes you then that means she'll be exposing herself also.  Yes, she may have the means to silence some people and pay her way back into good graces, but that shouldn't stop you from removing yourself from her company.  Her deeds will soon catch up to her and people will run out of patience.  You have time on your side.  You can rise from this and build a better future for yourself.

If that witch continues to threaten you, call the cops!  Don't let her intimidate you any longer.  Although this may be difficult, you should probably tell your parents or someone who will support you through this about what has been going on.  They will initially be shocked (an probably disgusted), but if they love you, they will realize that you are a victim and stand by you.  It's also important to speak to a therapist who will help you emotionally and psychologically.  Get your physical health checked out too.

Don't be too concerned about your boyfriend now.  He needs time to process this situation.  After all, you've been cheating on him with multiple people for a year.  Leave him a lone and focus on yourself.  You need space and time to process all you've been through as well.

Again, I'm glad you've concluded that this situation is no good for you.  Now, rise like a phoenix!

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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His Daughter Doesn't Like Me

Dear WISY,

I think I made a huge mistake.  I have been living with my boyfriend for almost six months now.  We moved in together after a short time of three weeks, but our connection was so powerful that I was sure that it was the right thing to do.  We did it even though it is against our family's beliefs.  I felt as though I was addicted to him and I didn't want to live away from him.

As if we are not already outside of our family's beliefs, my boyfriend has a child that he had out of wedlock.  The child's mother is not very stable so my boyfriend is very hands on with his daughter.  She is with us most of the time.  His daughter is six years old and she is rude and doesn't like me.  I told her that she has to be respectable in my house. My boyfriend thought I overstepped my boundaries and told me to leave the disciplining to him.  I agreed, but I am struggling with this little girl and her nasty attitude.

Her behavior has caused some problems with me and my boyfriend.  I don't think it's right for me to be uncomfortable in my own home.  I do not condone rude behavior from children, and I am going to explode soon.  His daughter looked me right in my eyes and told me that I am not her mother and a child did not come from my body, so I should not tell her to behave.  Then she cried to her father that I am always mean to her.  All I was trying to do was tell her it's time to take a bath.

I do not want to end things with my boyfriend, but his daughter is successfully driving me away.  I don't want to upset him either.  What should I do to make things better?

Signed,

Stepmom

The Stepfamily Handbook:: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to forming a "Blended Family"

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WISY's Response:

Dear Stepmom,

I think that your feelings are valid in this situation.  I understand that you don't want to upset your boyfriend, and I think it's wise of you to tread lightly in this delicate situation, but you should speak up.

I get the feeling that his stance on his daughter comes from him feeling the need to compensate for the instability of his daughter's mother.  Perhaps he feels a sense of guilt for creating her with a woman who is unstable, so he overlooks her behavior in efforts to "over love" her.  While his intent is rooted in a loving place, it is incorrect and damaging.  He is doing his daughter an injustice by allowing her to be rude.

Also, it's important for us to give children an understanding heart and credit them for understanding more about their surroundings than we think.  Your boyfriend's daughter is likely suffering from some sort of trauma or insecurity as a result of her parenting situation.  I don't know what kind of instability baby girl's mother is experiencing, but it's likely that she has been affected from it all.  He behavior is a direct result.  And it's possible that she resents you simply for not being her mother. 

When you talk to your boyfriend, approach it gently.  Tell him that you understand the factors that I've mentioned above, but you need to feel respected, validated, appreciated, and ultimately, comfortable in your own home.  Tell him that you'd love to help him nurture his daughter.  Tell him that you're his partner in ever aspect of the word, and that your actions to correct his daughter are not an attack.   This should open his eyes and improve the situation.  If he resists, be patient, but not so patient that this situation becomes the norm for the long run. 

Walk good,
#TeamWIsy

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She Started Dating Him Behind My Back

Dear WISY,

There’s this girl who I made really really good friends with in September; like an instant connection and honestly I love her to absolute bits.  Anyway, fast forward a bit to me meeting this guy who I really really like and he has an interest in me.  We’ve been talking for a couple of months and even talking about possibly dating and stuff.  They become friends too (the girl I made friends with) and she’s super hype about us both being together, but then me and the guy have an argument and he’s pretty upset at me, so blah blah blah...fast forward.  Things between him and I completely fall apart.  I’m really upset about it and I go to her and she’s there for me and everything, but is still friends with him.  I understood even though it bothered me a little bit, but I brushed it off. 

Long story short - a month later and they’re dating. I didn’t find out about it from her, but eventually she did tell me and I’m really fucking upset about it, but me being the people pleaser that I am, I tell her it’s okay and that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship over a guy. She was really happy with that and I just went along with it even though it really hurt.  To be honest, I don't trust her at all anymore.  I kind of don’t want to be her friend anymore, but I’m conflicted because I don’t want to let some guy come between us and I still really really love her.  Like I said before, we had a really instant and strong connection with each other that I don’t have with anybody else.

Signed,
People Pleaser

Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends

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WISY's Response:

Dear People Pleaser,

I appreciate you wanting to keep the peace for the sake of sisterhood, but you should always speak your truth, especially in a case where others are not afraid of speaking and living  in theirs.  I think you would be in a better place now if you had spoken on how you truly feel.

In addition, this strikes me as a case of an unbalanced friendship.  You value her more than she values you.  In my opinion, her actions speak loud and clear, and if I were you, I wouldn't spend too much more time bothered about it.  Take note and proceed accordingly.

If you feel strongly about remaining friends with her then you will have to be honest with her about how her actions made you feel.  You will also have to be okay with the new norm.  Whatever you do, be sure that you are not hurting yourself for the sake of pleasing others.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Cheated After 15 Years of Marriage

Dear WISY,

I need your advice.  I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children (10 and 12 yrs old). My husband cheated on me and I found out in very awkward way.  His girlfriend is his subordinate and she is married. His one year affair was blown up by his girlfriend's husband.  I asked my husband to resign to break the connection.  He resigned and offered to move countries to start from scratch.

While preparing our move, I was so emotional - I slapped and kicked him because I was hurt and I asked him to get out of the house in the middle of the night.  That happened in one month.  After I kicked him out of the house, he told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, but he would stick it out for our children. 

In the three months after that, our life was like a roller coaster.  I feel hurt at the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore. In the same time, my husband was under pressure to find a new job and also the situation in his office didn't help.  His girlfriend divorced and her daughter was raised by her husband.  Many blamed him in that situation. 

Two months ago we moved to Netherlands.  We look fine from the outside, but we don’t sleep together anymore.  It’s more like a business partner instead of husband and wife for the sake of our children.

If you ask me what I want, I still want to keep our marriage together.  Sometimes, I miss all the love, but he said he doesn’t love me anymore because I hurt him and didn’t help him during his bad days (after people knew about the affair).  Is it possible for love disappear like that?  What should I do?

Signed,

What Should I Do

Couples Therapy Workbook

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WISY's Response:

Dear WSID,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  I know this has to be a difficult situation to be in, especially with children involved.  I have a couple of thoughts about this, and I really hope I can help you navigate through this.

Yes, I do believe people can fall out of love.  Personal paths pertaining to career or other activities can drive distance between a couple.  That's why it's important to communicate and compromise.  It is also helpful if couples continue to "date" each other after marriage to keep the spark alive.  In your case, I don't think your husband's love for you has disappeared.  I just think he doesn't like himself right now and it's difficult to like anyone when experiencing inner conflict.

I can understand your desire to maintain some type of normalcy for your children by remaining in a living situation with your husband.  Initially, I thought of this as an exemplary display of parenting, but after some thought, I believe that it could be more damaging for your children if you are not careful.  I say this because your husband has expressed his changed feelings and you have spoken on your outbursts.  It's important to contain any negative behavior toward each other out of sight and earshot of the children.

Communication in Marriage: How to Communicate with Your Spouse Without Fighting

In situations like this, family and couples therapy will play a beneficial role in the success of the situation.  Therapy will help you figure out the direction you should take.  While going through your healing process, do not allow your husband to blame you for any part of this situation.  I think it's absurd for him to place any fault on you for not "supporting him during his bad days".  He created this situation and he needs to be mature and stop pointing the finger at you for something he caused.  Again, I believe these words are a result of his inner turmoil.

With that said, I do believe that there is hope for the marriage because of your husband's willingness to move out of the country and attempt a fresh start.  Ultimately, I think there is a lot of emotional work that needs to happen between you two if you want to salvage the marriage.  Just be sure that you both are on the same page - whether it be to rekindle the flame, live together to co-parent with established agreements or decide to call it quits.  Being on the same page will make the world of difference now and in the future.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Why Won't He Introduce Me to His Children?

Dear WISY,

My relationship is going through a rough patch right now.  I am dating a man who has three children from a previous relationship.  I am currently pregnant by him and we are engaged to be married.  The relationship has been fine and everything, but my man spends a lot of time with his other children and their mother.  I don't have an issue with him spending time with his children, but I don't know why the mother has to be involved in everything.

I don't know if my pregnancy hormones have made me more sensitive, but I feel like I no longer want to deal with this anymore.  I've never met his children.  He says they are too young to understand that him and their mother are no longer together.  I don't want to come off as selfish, but I feel like he can spend time with his children alone.  He finds reasons to validate him spending weekends away with them and he doesn't see anything wrong with leaving me alone.  I won't accept it once our baby is born.  I want to discuss this with him without seeming selfish.  How do I approach this?  My goal is to get him to be with his children without their mother or to bring them to spend time at our house.  I'm no longer putting up with him being MIA with his ex and kids! 

Signed,
Mom to Be

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships

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WISY's Response:

Dear MTB,

Hmmmm...something is off here - he won't bring the children to meet their future step-mother, he goes MIA; leaving his pregnant fiance alone without checking in, and the statement "He says they are too young to understand that him and their mother are no longer together" suggests that he's playing the role he's always played with their mother in their presence.  What is he hiding?  You are far from selfish, my dear.  In my opinion, you're far too forgiving and selfless.  Your hormones have little to do with feeling the way you do.  What you want is a common courtesy when in a relationship.

I think your discussion is a bit late, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't speak up about how you feel.  Your marriage will be filled with turmoil if you don't get this issue squared away now.  Prolonging the truth from the children will only make things more difficult for them to accept and understand.  Just approach the situation with your true feelings.  What you're requesting is completely reasonable, so don't let him manipulate the conversation to suggest otherwise.  You'll know how you should proceed once you have the conversation.

By the way, have you ever met his ex?  If you haven't then I'd assume that things are not completely over with her.  A mother would generally want to meet the significant other of her children's father - especially someone who they will be marrying soon.  I just can't shake the feeling that something is off here.  I hope I'm wrong.

Try to focus on the well-being of your unborn through all of this.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Should I Continue to Give Him Money?

Dear WISY,

So I've been talking to this dude for a little while (measured in months) and he was going through a rough time at the very beginning financially.  He never asked for money, but it is in my nature to help people. I think I fucked up by giving him money (not much, $15-30 here and there).  I fucked up in that now he's comfortable asking for money, but I long made the silent decision to stop because he's working now.

My intention was basic humanity in helping another person.  I wasn't trying to create a  dynamic in which money was moving between us.  After all, he's not my man "officially."

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road in that if I give him the money he asked for, I will probably lose interest because I would feel like I'm being used.  But on the other hand, this is the precedent I set cause this is who I am in life and in a relationship. 

Is there a line or a cut off to financial aid? Have I crossed it? Am I being used? What's the best course of action?

Regards,

The Dating Mother Theresa

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WISY's Response:

Dear TDMT,

Helping those in need is commendable, but in this case there should be a limit - especially when someone is able-bodied and can help themselves.  I think it would be best to tell him that you no longer feel comfortable assisting him since he now has a source of income.

The fact that you can identify that you may feel used isn't a good sign.  Your direction in this situation should be directly influenced by that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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I Cheated with my Man's Nephew

Dear WISY,

This is embarrassing to talk about.  I hope I will not be judged for this, but I have been unknowingly sleeping with my man's nephew for a few months.  I admit that I am wrong for even cheating in the first place, but my man is not the man he used to be when it comes to sex and affection.  I started hanging out at this spot to try to meet a friend with benefits and I did find someone.

He's younger and I started sleeping with him.  I bought him gifts sometimes, and I think that made him want to be around me more often.  That was fine because I was getting what I wanted.  I was spending so much that my man noticed the difference.  I wasn't paying the bills and we got a cut off notice from the power company.  He started to question me about what I've been doing with the money.  I think he got suspicious but I didn't admit to anything.  I told him lies about helping family.  Little did I know that I was actually helping family.

Anyway, I got my shit together and stopped spending and creeping.  I got caught up on my bills and things were looking better with me and my man.  The other guy tried reaching out a few times, but I shut him down.  Anyway, things were going so good that he decided that he wanted to go out with me for drinks.  We hit this spot up, and there he was!  The nephew!  They embraced and I got introduced.  My mind is blown at the moment!  I don't know how to carry on.  I'm scared the nephew is going to tell it all.  What do I do now?

Signed,
Needed Attention

Couple's Guide To Spice It Up: 71 Tips On How To Experiment Safely With Your Wildest Fantasies & Make Your Love Life As Hot As You Want

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WISY's Response:

Dear NA,

Well, this is awkward.  I'm not sure how to answer this.  You already know that you're wrong for cheating in the first place, so there's no need for me to get into that.  Maybe you can talk to the nephew and see where his head is regarding your relationship.  Hopefully, he won't care enough to reveal anything, but if he does, you're just going to have to face the music.  You've made a bed that you may have to lie in.

If anything, I think this experience has been a valuable lesson for you.  Hopefully you now know that communication about your dissatisfaction with your man should have happen instead of seeking a friend with benefits.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Am I Adopted?

Dear WISY,

I think I'm adopted.  I came across some documents in my father's room.  I saw some photos of a baby who I think is me and a woman who looks like me and some documents that state that my father would raise someone (not my name) and provide all the opportunities that I've been fortunate enough to have.  The paper is an unofficial document which leads me to believe that the adoption is unofficial, but there is definitely an agreement in writing detailing the procedure and promises that my father should carry out.

I don't know if the baby in the photo is me. There is a woman holding the baby in the photos who looks like me.  I'm excited to know that I may have more family out there somewhere.  I don't really have any family, and when I ask my dad about it, he tells me that his family passed away and he's all that's left.  He told me that my mom also passed away.  It's always just been us two. As I grew older, that story became less and less believable to me.

I am so curious now.  I want to ask my dad about it, but there's a possibility that I may hurt his feelings because he always says "We got each other and that's what matters".  To be honest, I have had an amazing life so far.  My father has been the best father a girl could ask for.  My upbringing was everything outlined in the agreement and more.  I know he truly loves me regardless of whether he is my blood father or not.  But, I still feel like I have the right to know. I'm an adult now.  Should I ask him to tell me the truth about the stuff I found?

Signed,

Curious Daughter

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends. (Mom’s Choice Award Winner) 

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WISY's Response:

Dear CD,

It's commendable that you are considering your father's feelings.  This quality is indicative of someone who was raised in love (kudos to your father), but I believe you have a right to know if you're adopted or if there is some unique cause for your current situation.  When you ask your father about it, be sure to ask with compassion.  Assure him that you are grateful for everything he has done for you.  Speak with love and appreciation.  This will diminish the chances of any combativeness or insecurities from your father, and may ease him into becoming comfortable with discussing this issue with you.  Express that you are an adult now and that you want to know your background in its entirety.

If those documents do in fact have something to do with you, also consider that your father may have kept the information from you to protect you.  The information may be unpleasant.  So, be sure that you are ready to hear truths which may interfere with your peace.

Ultimately, I think people should know who they are, but remember that your origin doesn't define you.  You can narrate your own story.  

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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