She Started Dating Him Behind My Back

Dear WISY,

There’s this girl who I made really really good friends with in September; like an instant connection and honestly I love her to absolute bits.  Anyway, fast forward a bit to me meeting this guy who I really really like and he has an interest in me.  We’ve been talking for a couple of months and even talking about possibly dating and stuff.  They become friends too (the girl I made friends with) and she’s super hype about us both being together, but then me and the guy have an argument and he’s pretty upset at me, so blah blah blah...fast forward.  Things between him and I completely fall apart.  I’m really upset about it and I go to her and she’s there for me and everything, but is still friends with him.  I understood even though it bothered me a little bit, but I brushed it off. 

Long story short - a month later and they’re dating. I didn’t find out about it from her, but eventually she did tell me and I’m really fucking upset about it, but me being the people pleaser that I am, I tell her it’s okay and that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship over a guy. She was really happy with that and I just went along with it even though it really hurt.  To be honest, I don't trust her at all anymore.  I kind of don’t want to be her friend anymore, but I’m conflicted because I don’t want to let some guy come between us and I still really really love her.  Like I said before, we had a really instant and strong connection with each other that I don’t have with anybody else.

Signed,
People Pleaser

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WISY's Response:

Dear People Pleaser,

I appreciate you wanting to keep the peace for the sake of sisterhood, but you should always speak your truth, especially in a case where others are not afraid of speaking and living  in theirs.  I think you would be in a better place now if you had spoken on how you truly feel.

In addition, this strikes me as a case of an unbalanced friendship.  You value her more than she values you.  In my opinion, her actions speak loud and clear, and if I were you, I wouldn't spend too much more time bothered about it.  Take note and proceed accordingly.

If you feel strongly about remaining friends with her then you will have to be honest with her about how her actions made you feel.  You will also have to be okay with the new norm.  Whatever you do, be sure that you are not hurting yourself for the sake of pleasing others.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

He Cheated After 15 Years of Marriage

Dear WISY,

I need your advice.  I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children (10 and 12 yrs old). My husband cheated on me and I found out in very awkward way.  His girlfriend is his subordinate and she is married. His one year affair was blown up by his girlfriend's husband.  I asked my husband to resign to break the connection.  He resigned and offered to move countries to start from scratch.

While preparing our move, I was so emotional - I slapped and kicked him because I was hurt and I asked him to get out of the house in the middle of the night.  That happened in one month.  After I kicked him out of the house, he told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, but he would stick it out for our children. 

In the three months after that, our life was like a roller coaster.  I feel hurt at the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore. In the same time, my husband was under pressure to find a new job and also the situation in his office didn't help.  His girlfriend divorced and her daughter was raised by her husband.  Many blamed him in that situation. 

Two months ago we moved to Netherlands.  We look fine from the outside, but we don’t sleep together anymore.  It’s more like a business partner instead of husband and wife for the sake of our children.

If you ask me what I want, I still want to keep our marriage together.  Sometimes, I miss all the love, but he said he doesn’t love me anymore because I hurt him and didn’t help him during his bad days (after people knew about the affair).  Is it possible for love disappear like that?  What should I do?

Signed,

What Should I Do

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WISY's Response:

Dear WSID,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  I know this has to be a difficult situation to be in, especially with children involved.  I have a couple of thoughts about this, and I really hope I can help you navigate through this.

Yes, I do believe people can fall out of love.  Personal paths pertaining to career or other activities can drive distance between a couple.  That's why it's important to communicate and compromise.  It is also helpful if couples continue to "date" each other after marriage to keep the spark alive.  In your case, I don't think your husband's love for you has disappeared.  I just think he doesn't like himself right now and it's difficult to like anyone when experiencing inner conflict.

I can understand your desire to maintain some type of normalcy for your children by remaining in a living situation with your husband.  Initially, I thought of this as an exemplary display of parenting, but after some thought, I believe that it could be more damaging for your children if you are not careful.  I say this because your husband has expressed his changed feelings and you have spoken on your outbursts.  It's important to contain any negative behavior toward each other out of sight and earshot of the children.

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In situations like this, family and couples therapy will play a beneficial role in the success of the situation.  Therapy will help you figure out the direction you should take.  While going through your healing process, do not allow your husband to blame you for any part of this situation.  I think it's absurd for him to place any fault on you for not "supporting him during his bad days".  He created this situation and he needs to be mature and stop pointing the finger at you for something he caused.  Again, I believe these words are a result of his inner turmoil.

With that said, I do believe that there is hope for the marriage because of your husband's willingness to move out of the country and attempt a fresh start.  Ultimately, I think there is a lot of emotional work that needs to happen between you two if you want to salvage the marriage.  Just be sure that you both are on the same page - whether it be to rekindle the flame, live together to co-parent with established agreements or decide to call it quits.  Being on the same page will make the world of difference now and in the future.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

Why Won't He Introduce Me to His Children?

Dear WISY,

My relationship is going through a rough patch right now.  I am dating a man who has three children from a previous relationship.  I am currently pregnant by him and we are engaged to be married.  The relationship has been fine and everything, but my man spends a lot of time with his other children and their mother.  I don't have an issue with him spending time with his children, but I don't know why the mother has to be involved in everything.

I don't know if my pregnancy hormones have made me more sensitive, but I feel like I no longer want to deal with this anymore.  I've never met his children.  He says they are too young to understand that him and their mother are no longer together.  I don't want to come off as selfish, but I feel like he can spend time with his children alone.  He finds reasons to validate him spending weekends away with them and he doesn't see anything wrong with leaving me alone.  I won't accept it once our baby is born.  I want to discuss this with him without seeming selfish.  How do I approach this?  My goal is to get him to be with his children without their mother or to bring them to spend time at our house.  I'm no longer putting up with him being MIA with his ex and kids! 

Signed,
Mom to Be

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships

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WISY's Response:

Dear MTB,

Hmmmm...something is off here - he won't bring the children to meet their future step-mother, he goes MIA; leaving his pregnant fiance alone without checking in, and the statement "He says they are too young to understand that him and their mother are no longer together" suggests that he's playing the role he's always played with their mother in their presence.  What is he hiding?  You are far from selfish, my dear.  In my opinion, you're far too forgiving and selfless.  Your hormones have little to do with feeling the way you do.  What you want is a common courtesy when in a relationship.

I think your discussion is a bit late, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't speak up about how you feel.  Your marriage will be filled with turmoil if you don't get this issue squared away now.  Prolonging the truth from the children will only make things more difficult for them to accept and understand.  Just approach the situation with your true feelings.  What you're requesting is completely reasonable, so don't let him manipulate the conversation to suggest otherwise.  You'll know how you should proceed once you have the conversation.

By the way, have you ever met his ex?  If you haven't then I'd assume that things are not completely over with her.  A mother would generally want to meet the significant other of her children's father - especially someone who they will be marrying soon.  I just can't shake the feeling that something is off here.  I hope I'm wrong.

Try to focus on the well-being of your unborn through all of this.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Should I Continue to Give Him Money?

Dear WISY,

So I've been talking to this dude for a little while (measured in months) and he was going through a rough time at the very beginning financially.  He never asked for money, but it is in my nature to help people. I think I fucked up by giving him money (not much, $15-30 here and there).  I fucked up in that now he's comfortable asking for money, but I long made the silent decision to stop because he's working now.

My intention was basic humanity in helping another person.  I wasn't trying to create a  dynamic in which money was moving between us.  After all, he's not my man "officially."

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road in that if I give him the money he asked for, I will probably lose interest because I would feel like I'm being used.  But on the other hand, this is the precedent I set cause this is who I am in life and in a relationship. 

Is there a line or a cut off to financial aid? Have I crossed it? Am I being used? What's the best course of action?

Regards,

The Dating Mother Theresa

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WISY's Response:

Dear TDMT,

Helping those in need is commendable, but in this case there should be a limit - especially when someone is able-bodied and can help themselves.  I think it would be best to tell him that you no longer feel comfortable assisting him since he now has a source of income.

The fact that you can identify that you may feel used isn't a good sign.  Your direction in this situation should be directly influenced by that.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY

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