Guess Who's Coming to Dinner!

Dear WISY,

Please help me out.  I am reeling right now!

Ok, so we had Thanksgiving dinner this past Thursday and I love this time of year when family and friends get together to have a good time and reconnect.  I was especially excited to see my favorite cousin.  She was excited to bring her new boo and I was dying to meet him also.  She didn't tell me who he was because she said she wanted to be sure that it was going to work out before she claimed him publicly.  I understood that.

Anyway, Thanksgiving night arrived and I was impatiently waiting for her to get to the house.  While I was waiting, I got a text message from her saying that she wants me to respect her relationship and not make a big deal over the guy because they are in love.  My mouth has no filter so I thought she was just warning me not to do the usual.  I really didn't think anything more about her text.

Anyway, the door opened and she walked in with the guy.  I just about had a heart attack!  This bitch walked in with my ex!  Not an ex from years ago who I couldn't care less about, but my most recent ex!  The guy she knew I would take back in a heartbeat!  She knew I was still trying to get over our break up from earlier this year.  She had the nerve to bring HIM to our family's dinner!  The whole family was shocked!

She tried to explain herself, but the guy left out of the front door, obviously very uncomfortable and the bitch went running after him.  We can see who she really cares about!  Needless to say, Thanksgiving was a mess.  I got drunk and sent hateful messages to the both of them.  

I am HURT!  I don't know how to recover from this.  I loved the both of them and they hurt me like this.  I have no appetite, and I just want to fight them!  And now the bitch wants to talk.  She's been calling and texting me non-stop apologizing and begging to talk.  I don't know if I should talk to her after this.  What should I do?  I want to get over this whole thing like now! 

Signed,
Betrayed Cousin

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Betrayed Cousin,

WOW!!  I'm sorry that what was supposed to be a joyous occasion turned out this way.  That is indeed hurtful.  I'd really like to know how your cousin thought introducing her new relationship in this manner was a good idea. 

So, she obviously broke a couple unspoken codes, but in all reality, we can't stop people from doing what they want to do.  Instead, you have to choose how you interact with people and choose the things you will and will not tolerate.  I would advise you to approach the relationship with caution from now on.  Also, I think you should talk with her and let her know how badly she hurt you.  You are not obligated to rekindle the relationship, but I think it will help you to get it all out.  This will remove the desire to physically harm her, and most important, it'll help you feel better.  Try not to let anger overcome your conversation so that you are able to completely discharge your feelings towards her with her full understanding.  Remember, you'll likely see her at family functions.  The goal is to achieve civility between the two of you.  Anything which comes after that will be dependent upon time, actions, and YOU.

As far as your ex is concerned, I get the feeling that he knew he would hurt you and was somewhat driven by that fact to become seriously involved with your cousin.  I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I'm getting.  Leave him to his own obvious misery.  Don't fight him either.  His little ego is probably severely bruised by the unwelcome reception at dinner.  

Talk about it as much as you need to until you can laugh about it.  It'll take time, but you'll be okay.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Help! My Son is Killing Me!

Dear WISY,

I am hoping you can help me figure out what I should do with my son who is causing me to be in a continuous state of stress and depression. I am a 60-year old single mother. I have been raising my son on my own since his birth. My son is now 28 and he has a lot of issues.

When he was a teenager, he was accused of raping a girl a few years younger than him. He was never charged because the girl admitted that it was consensual and her parents forced her to say it was rape. Even though he was not charged, that brought me a lot of stress. I didn't know he was having sex.

A few years ago he met this girl who was controlling him. She was a bad influence on my son. She got him caught up in robbery and assault. He spent 5 years in prison for his involvement in her crimes.  While in prison he was assaulted.  He became depressed and was prescribed mental health medication.

Now he's out of prison, he is still depressed.  He doesn't want to go back to school, he doesn't want to work.  He wants to get high and drink every day.  I don't know what to do. I am suffering from high blood pressure and anxiety. I am afraid to leave him in my house alone because of who he might bring there and what he might do.  My son is killing me!  I need help! I can't afford anything outside of my personal upkeep.  I appreciate your time. Thank you.

Signed,
Desperate Mother

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WISY's Response:

Dear Desperate Mother,

😔 I'm sorry that you're going through this with your son. This breaks my heart.

The first thing that came to mind is family therapy.  That's why I asked where you lived. Fortunately for you, your location has family services for low income households. I've provided you with a service provider which I believe to be morally organized with professionals who are knowledgeable in areas that relate to your situation. Please, please, please contact them ASAP.

Explain to your son that you want to begin a healing process alongside him.  Ask him about his goals and dreams, and explain that talking to someone will help him overcome his hurdles and achieve those goals.  Be honest with him and gently tell him that you're hurting because he's hurting.  That may be an accelerant for change within him.  Empathize with him, shower him with love.  His healing will heal you.  I've also included training programs that include wrap around services for your son. These programs will give him a sense of purpose while teaching him a trade.  

You also need to begin taking care of yourself!  As a mother, I understand that we neglect our needs for our children, but you have to place some responsibility on your son.  He's 28.  Yes, he's had a troubled past and I'm assuming that his father is still absent because you didn't mention him, but you can't allow him to "kill" you.  Take your health and wellness seriously.  Taking care of yourself won't diminish your love for your son or your devotion as a mother.

I am hoping for the absolute best for you and your son.  Let's keep in touch.  I'm here to help.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

Is This a Lost Cause?

Dear WISY,

Please block my name and picture.  I've been "dating" this guy for two years.  Unfortunately I met, let's call him J, three months after he got out of a 9 year relationship that ended with him being really hurt in the end.  So anyway, from the beginning he's been up front that he's not looking to jump into anything which I totally understand.  Over the two years, things have progressed and we've gotten closer.  We've gone on trips, adventures, weekly dates, little traditions, he cooks for me, plans surprises, he's met my family and I've met friends of his from his hometown (he's not originally from NY) and spoken to his family (they're out of state), he's spoken about kids, he's extremely kinky in bed and I'm down for exactly what he's into, we have had threesomes and played with other couples, and over this period of time there's been no title.

We go through cycles where we get really close then all of a sudden he does something to fuck it up.  Mind you, I'm far from stupid, I'm sure he does his thing here and there.  We've had multiple arguments about where we stand and what we are because at this point it seems like it's progressing and I feel like I have the right to know where I stand.  I'm getting to the age where I want to start a family.  I've told him things are over after each of these arguments and after a few days he contacts me apologizing.  When I bring up anything about what makes it look like a relationship, he plays it off like it's nothing out of the norm.  We had a fight about a  week ago and he blurted out "maybe we spend too much time together".  Mind you, we've only spent time together over the last two months if he asked because I've started pulling back.  Since that fight I've gone silent and haven't seen him when he asks to see me.  Is this a lost cause or something to try to work through after all this time???

Signed,
What Are We?

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WISY's Advice:
Dear WAW,

I don't think this is necessarily a lost cause.  I just think that "J" hasn't allowed himself enough time to heal.  He's still holding on to whatever hurt him from his previous relationship, and he needs to address the reason(s) why commitment is a trigger for him to run away.

Although he told you that he wasn't ready to jump into anything serious, I can understand how two years with all that you've been through together could cause you to want to make things official.  However, you have been allowing him to straddle the fence and he will continue to do so until you break the pattern you've created.  It's good that you've ceased communication for now.  Continue to keep your space until J can confront and conquer his issues.  After some time apart, you both will be clear on what you want. 

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

She Left Me

Dear WISY,

My girlfriend just broke up with me.  We were together for almost a year.  We met while on a business trip and we hit it off immediately.  I moved to her city to be with her.  I did this even though my family told me it wasn't a good idea.  I fell hard for her.  I was following my heart and I was about to propose to her on Christmas day, but now she's gone.  

I asked her what the problem was and she told me that she's tired of me being too "perfect".  She said that I don't excite her like the guys she's used to dating.  She said that I'm not hood enough for her.  We are both Ivy League graduates with careers that have nothing to do with being thug.  She never showed me that side of her and all of a sudden she hits me with this.

This hit me hard, but I'll be okay.  I just want to know if I should ask her for half of my moving costs?  She's the one who convinced me to move out here and promised a future together.

Signed,
Too Perfect

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WISY's Advice:

Dear Too Perfect,

Sure, you can ask for half of the moving costs, but the real question is - will she give it to you?  In my opinion, I think you should just cut your losses and move on.  Asking for that money could potentially subject you to drama and ridicule which could affect you negatively.  If you feel strongly about this, then go ahead and ask, but remember you're not entitled to it.  If you were married, you could possibly get a court ordered payment, but that's not the case here.

Walk good,
#TeamWISY

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Is She Texting My Man?

Dear WISY,

I have a feeling that my boyfriend is creeping with my half sister.  I recently connected with her after my father got sick and called for all his children to unite.   Anyway, she met my man and I got a funny feeling immediately.  She was commenting about how fine he is and telling me how lucky I am.  It made me uncomfortable.

Fast forward to last week at my birthday dinner.  First of all, I was annoyed with my sister for trying to be in complete control of everything.  She was rubbing my guests the wrong way with her uppity attitude.  On top of that, she was all over my man! She was feeding him and flirting with him.  I asked him to stop entertaining her mess, but he thought it was hilarious and continued letting her feed him.  They ruined my birthday.

Later that night I saw his phone.  She was texting him saying she wishes she could cross the line but I'm family and that's a no no. For the past couple nights he's been coming in later, not wanting sex, just acting different.

I've been trying to get to his phone but I can't. I have a feeling they are creeping.  Does it seem that way or am I crazy?

Signed,

Suspicious Sis

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WISY's Response:

Dear SS,

Both your sister and boyfriend displayed concerning behavior.  Are they creeping?  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I would need more details to say for sure.  If you're that suspicious about it, confront them.  Invite them both to dinner, express your gripes concerning their behavior, and let them know that you saw the messages.  You should have a better idea about what's going on after you speak with them.  You should know your boyfriend well enough to know when he isn't being truthful.  Also, observe their behavior after the discussion.  Overcompensation usually means guilt.

Walk good,

#TeamWISY